Ah, Guilt!
So unfortunately dh's estranged daughter has returned from the Middle East, where she had spent the spring semester and this summer. No sultan of Arabian nights swept her off her feet! Lol...
They have been estranged for years, and dh sticks his neck out periodically, only to get shot gunned by her and her mother. So during their last phone battle in Jan, she accused him of being a terrible father because he didn't trot 10 hrs to see her college, uninvited of course, and forget the fact the man pays the bill!
Today dh tells me that he is intending to "just visit daughter at her college for an hour" in sept. Drive 10 hrs one way unannounced??? And he doesn't know if she would even see him? I said she is home for two weeks now, 10 min from you! Call her up! What is the point of driving that distance and just showing up????
Hello......this is called chasing and it is not going to get you the respect you want. In fact, dh has a loooong history of this sad kind of behavior with ex and it was not pretty in the end.
I know what is driving this.....daughter's horrible allegations about her father not being her father. A very wise board sage once described this behavior, likening it to chasing dogs....it only gets them to run further away.
Take his rose colored glasses
Take his rose colored glasses off n smash them.
That man is in for years of torture that she wants to endure on him.
His his faith n hope that he can make a difference. 10 hour drive could end in him feeling like an ass. That's stupid
Sad.
Sad.
Let him go. If he succeeds
Let him go. If he succeeds all the better and if he fails then silence from you.
You will never show him the light and he'll see it quicker if you leave him be.
I suspect he is all talk.
I suspect he is all talk. But He never learns, has not learned in his 30 plus years of dealing with his ex.
Why drive 20 hrs rd trip to see a daughter when you can reunite in the next two weeks close to home? He didn't give me a good answer. Other than that he is feeling guilty.....the guilt that his ex and daughters have caused by twisting events to be the victims. Now dh is also manipulating I am afraid. How could she not welcome the poor man back who practically begs her to take him back don't you think?
And yet I am criticized by him when I question the logic of this little road trip. I told him all the players involved play mind games with each other.
I believe he is getting desperate. This is daughter's final year college and he worries, rightfully so, that when emancipation happens, no more money...........she will vanish. Poof......
Agreed, but I did tell him to
Agreed, but I did tell him to call her now, instead of driving 10 hrs. In hindsight, that was a mistake because likely he never would have driven up there. He still might not call her......
He emailed her for her birthday and Easter .....yet his birthday passed as well as Father's Day without a word.
I hope the hamster wheel doesn't start up again. It is a cycle in which he chases and she plays victim.
Neither one gets to what they want. She, an all or nothing relationship, and he ........respect.
No, because he is very frugal
No, because he is very frugal with his money.
He and I are actually taking a road trip in the next few weeks that will take us literally right past her college. Today I had considered suggesting he see her and her lovely campus while I shop somewhere, but why do that? It likely will not be an hour and I am so not into having the door open again......
I want our vacation to be just that.
Is he so dumb to think that
Is he so dumb to think that driving 10 hours one way to visit his daughter will somehow in her mind erase the fact that he didn't years ago when she secretly wanted him to but instead set him up for ultimate failure by not inviting him?
Good lord. Is your husband 12? Because even a 12 year old should be able to see through this one.
He lives in a state of
He lives in a state of denial. He has been shamed for years by his ex wife and daughters, all the while with them being the aggressors.
I think a lot of his problems are rooted in his childhood, he is loyal to a fault and can not tolerate anger.
Life was grand until I showed up and put some boundaries in place. He was divorced, but was essentially the built in babysitter. Ex and daughters had him wrapped around their pinkies.
Now years later, the only thing they want is the money.
I could be you !!!! I hear
I could be you !!!!
I hear from my DF's family telling me ~ she will change ~ will she ???
I think everyone involved has a piece of faith n hope that she does know how to act appriopately. Be remorseful and grow up a bit. I I like the outsider ~ see none of that happening ever. I think her mind has been poisined with PAS from the apple tree and other part would be drugs.
Should I ever hold hope she will change ever ??? Or is she just the rotten apple seed ~ I'd love to say thank god there is only one kid but the daily shit she put me through was enough for 3 other people.
I hear you. I almost think I
I hear you. I almost think I have a touch of PTSD from their number that they pulled on me when I was just diagnosed with cancer. Maybe that time period for me and the angst I feel at the thought of contact with them is all related. I swore to myself never ever again.
Yes I survived the cancer and I survived them!!!
God bless you girl !!!!
God bless you girl !!!!
Wow ~ I underwent almost 2
Wow ~ I underwent almost 2 years of her shit ~ I was coming off of losing my hubby caring for 4 small children n losing my father.
I was grieving for my children big time ~ not fighting for my life like you.
It wasn't that dire. I think
It wasn't that dire. I think just being told you actually have cancer is traumatic. At least for me. It was the fear of the unknown. I still get a bit cranked up going for my check ups. But it passes when I get a clean bill.
I just have decided no more. No further chances. I am done. And I believe that this has not been easy on his daughter. Her pain is real, just misguided. And nasty .......and she put in motion on purpose some hateful things.
Now her mother, she actually enjoyed all of that trauma. I am not even going to use the word drama, because it pained all of us greatly. But not her. She loved sending the nasty grams . Her letters reeked of it.
Who emails AND drops bills in their ex's mailbox on New Year's Eve? That sick bitch!!
Oh mine would in a minute
Oh mine would in a minute flat !!!
You have way more sympathy that I could ever dream of expressing. I tried everything with this kid ~ I asked her how she felt with myself n all my kids coming into her life ~ according to her she enjoyed. According to bm court papers ~ she said DF was taken up w me n my children n the daughter was being neglected. OMG ~ are you serious BM ??
Sure ~ I am sure you would allow your daughter to come in your home w estacy ~ pot n alcohol ~ and shredding my screens to sneak out of the house is another great idea n the topper would b asking me to not speak about how dd was caught by the entire track team n coach hàving sex in the school parking lot. ( kudos to you Mom ~ let me pin that award on you )
^^^ Me too!^^^ Pretty
^^^ Me too!^^^ Pretty convenient, eh?
Exactly. She said lots of
Exactly.
She said lots of nasty things in their phone battle in jan, but I think she struck home when she blathered on about all the things he doesn't do, like not attending her high school graduation Of course forget the fact that she never invited him, hell she wasn't even speaking with him, and she was sueing him for a fancy college, as opposed to the state univ.
So that is the big ticket item. Dh blames himself for not attending the graduation. She will be using that guilt card for a long time.
Do I think he will call her now? Yes.
Realistically, you can't drive 10 hrs without checking with her. She might be gone for the day, out, etc etc.
But he's not realistic.
But he's not realistic. Neither do you need to be. I agree with CatLettuce that this is a process in which he is about to be hit with a great pain and he is gearing up for that. It's for him to process. It's for you to forbear and get on with your own stuff. Both of them (and also the BM in the wings) are shaping up to make you the scapegoat for their drama-to-be. don't allow this. Don't say a word. let him be silly. It's his money and his time. The way I cope with this scenario (currently we're on the 2nd failed relationship and third youngest skid, my SS22) is to just pretend my DH has a hobby that excludes me, is very absorbing and expensive, and ultimately probably futile, but it is his right to pursue without interference from me. That keeps me out of it.
I watched my DH do this with my OSD25 and after a period of great confrontation when I joined ST 3 years ago where OSD was making a bid to move into our home (but was rebuffed by me), I backed off and allowed DH to operate completely solo with her and without any comment from me. OSD went thru the whole gamut that's so often described here of letting dad down, demanding stuff for herself, never contacting him except for $, etc etc etc. After 3 years of this DH has finally got to the point where he pretty much accepts the picture for what it is although in a discussion recently I learned that he still is in the mindset that I am critical of him and her and their relationship. I had to remind him that when he last mentioned taking her out for a meal I said "How nice" -- he had actually deleted that from his memory and thought I had been negative -- this because of the dynamics between us all from years back when I was still too engaged in the drama. That's how long it takes to not only back off out of their relationship, but also to be acknowledged to have done so. We are all 3 of us so much the happier that I stopped commenting.
If you back off out of it it's a win win for you. Either she will surprise the whole of ST readership by becoming nicer for whatever reason, in which case you will not mind. Or she will be true to the type that we so often see here, and he will either waste further time and money on his hobby as he is perfectly entitled to, or he will gradually see the light and be glad that you did not mock.
Thanks poodle....I love your
Thanks poodle....I love your analogy. An expensive hobby! Lol.....
That has always always been my problem....I tend to talk now, think later. Bad bad bad!!
Thanks for all your thoughts.
Thanks for all your thoughts. Now a day later, I think dh became angry because he was putting off something that gives him great angst---physical contact with his daughter. The last contacts she had been hostile, screaming at him.
I think he was telling himself a nice story--- yes I will visit her this fall at her college. All will be well.
He became angry when I told him why wait? Call her today. I understand she is home now for two weeks. Take her out to dinner....talk now.
That literally is what I said, and he said I was defensive?? Really, now I understand.
He is avoidant, look most of us would have dropped contacting this girl years ago. She IS hostile! It doesn't make him feel good.
Will he call her the next two weeks? Only if he feels more guilty...