Needing some feedback
First of all, this is an awesome site! I'm so glad this is here. I need some feedback from other stepparents so please... any advice or things you've faced are similar please, I want to hear from you. Here is my story, sorry if it's long.
My DH and I started dating when my BD5 (almost 6!) was 2. Things were really great and he spent a lot of time with her having fun and taking her on "dates". DH has also brought with him my SS12 (was 8 in the beginning). DH and I married a little over 2 years ago, so yes, my scenario is still new, but I'm already wondering if I walked into hellfire.
Since DH and I moved in together, my BD5 is with us ALL the time- her BF is in and out of her life. Meanwhile, we only have SS12 half time. DH has been increasingly tough on BD; he makes her do chores that aren't age appropriate (who has a 5 year old load a dishwasher?!), harps on her constantly about anything and everything(toys in the living room, etc- walking around the house in her PJs) and never does anything fun with her anymore. It seems like all she has become is an annoyance to him. I've talked to him a few times about it and he agrees that he acts this way and says he'll stop and try to have a better relationship with her, but he doesn't. For example, just the other night, she woke up from a nightmare and was crying in her bed- he got out of bed, stood at her doorway and said in a mean voice "Stop your crying right now. There is no reason to cry" and walked to the bathroom. I went in, comforted her and by the time I went back to bed, he was already sleeping- no time to confront him on that.
This is all being made worse by his son. My SS12 is used to being waited on hand and foot by his BM. So when he's at our house, he wants to play video games constantly, have no chores, have all meals and snacks delivered to him, etc. My DH doesn't always let him off the hook, but does quite a bit. He's totally fine to have SS do all the things he yells at BD for, and not only that, he lets SS treat her miserably! SS is twice BD's age so he manipulates her into doing things she gets in trouble for constantly. DH doesn't believe that SS is the instigator but I see it- I've punished him (which DH quashes quickly, with a "talk"). DH doesn't even make SS say sorry when he hurts her. SS says that he doesn't have to say sorry if it's an accident. :jawdrop: Whenever I bring this up to DH he starts talking about how great our kids are and the nightmare kids that his coworkers have and that our problems are so small compared to what they could be.
UGH This is driving me mental. To top it off- BD has been acting more and more like SS the older she gets- which SCARES me. I don't want her to have the sense of entitlement he walks around with or the attitude. She also hates to be at home without me. She cries if I leave her there with DH (and sometimes SS) to even go grocery shopping.
I love my daughter and my husband. DH loves his son and he loves me. He claims to love my daughter. I do not care for his son. I'm starting to wonder if this is just the beginning "transition" period or if this will just get worse? Any advice? Am I being too over-protective of my BD? I know there are several issues involved here, but I really don't know anyone that I can get feedback from on this- so I need your help. Thanks for reading!
Well its not going to get
Well its not going to get better without a major change in his attitude which with most men I don't forecast happening there.
It would be one thing if he became indifferent to your kid after the marriage but his actions now confirms that he was being nice only to entrap you in the fold. No longer necessary his true feelings emerge and frankly he doesn't want to bother with kids not his own. In fact he's not to keen on discipline for his own. All in all I'm guessing he's not a kid person.
My only advise is to tell him that the two of you will have to read the article I've linked below. Both of you will stop dealing the opposites kid and both of you will discipline your own as you see fit. As for your kid picking up the bad habits you're initial explanation to her for the different discipline tactics is that he's older. As she ages the age difference means less and in age appropriate language you'll have to explain that you don't want her to grow up without the discipline she'll need when she's a grown-up. Further explain that parents who really love their kids will spend the time to make sure their kids are well behaved while other parents don't want to take the time. http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
If this doesn't work or you don't like the idea then you know the alternative.
PS: Beware of people who
PS: Beware of people who will advise the only out is to start WWIII or leave. Unhappy with their circumstances they want to pull you down to their level. Present readers excepted of course.
Thank you both for your
Thank you both for your replies. And Orange County Ca- thank you for the article. I appreciate both of your viewpoints. Sounds like no matter where I go from here, a change is certainly in order.
Do some reading on here and
Do some reading on here and realize that what your DH is experiencing is what most steps on here experience. They find their step child to be irritating, poorly parented, coddled, etc. Then really take a look at yourself and make sure you are doing your part. This might be hard, because it's tough to take a look at ourselves and see where our blame is in the family dynamic. We all have at least SOME. (Which isn't the same as saying any of this is your fault. I just think n fairness we should always self examine.)
Once you've come to terms with that, then it's time to address the heart of the issue, which is the disparity of how the kids are treated and come to terms with how to be united as a team. I would suggest counseling.
If he won't go.... excuse my french but I think you're fucked. Sadly, I think Orange County is right.... your DH played the part to get you, and was never really that into your kid. Sorry.
I'm not familiar with cases
I'm not familiar with cases of child abuse like sue, but I gotta tell you, I'm concerned that you're worried that you're being too over protective of your daughter....
You Know SS "treats her miserably" and your H allows this. But you leave her alone with the two of them??? Hell, you talk about H being too hard on her, talking to her meanly, basically riding her ass and you leave her alone with him? Wth?
You couldn't confront him about how he spoke to her because he was asleep? Wake his damn ass up! Tell him to shut his damn mouth as you walk by!
You're concerned about her acting like your SS as she gets older... Well you have good reason. Sounds like you aren't allowed to so much as say boo to his kid but he can treat yours however he likes. That means in your daughter's eyes, you are becoming anything but an authority. You are being over ridden, disrespected and dismissed. Why would she take you seriously either?
You are being incredibly Under protective of your child. And of your place in her life. Go or stay is on you but this sounds like a horrible situation for you to be raising that little girl in.
I agree. I didn't immediately
I agree. I didn't immediately get "predator" but you don't have to be molested to be messed up from an abusive adult.
What concerns me is that your
What concerns me is that your BD doesn't want to be left with him. That means she's not comfortable and that's a huge issue!
The normal discipline issues you can work through but the red flag is here is that it seems like he's scaring her. And that's not good. You need to have a talk with him and tell him that he needs to be hands off with disciplining your daughter until you figure out how to repair the situation. And spend some one on one time with her, try to ask some age appropriate questions to find out how she feels about him. Then you can figure out next step.
Good luck and hugs to you!
I would be worried about your
I would be worried about your daughter. The crying when you leave, the nightmares, those would be red flags to me. However, I am a completely paranoid mom. I trust no one. I have seen, been thru, experienced and heard TOO many ugly things in one lifetime and because of that, I am incredibly overprotective. Install a nanny cam in your daughters room. Find out what is going on. Pray that bastard isn't hurting your baby because if he is, I would imagine that you will set his entire life on fire.
I would like to thank you all
I would like to thank you all for your comments- yes, even the people who called me a "shitty" "useless" mother. No, my daughter is not being sexually or physically abused by my DH. But what was brought to light was that he is emotionally and verbally abusing her.
I'm glad that what I didn't hear was "you're worrying about nothing" which is what everyone who I have confided in (in "real life") tells me.
Here is what has happened in the last 24 hours:
I had a "chat" with my husband- he is no longer allowed to do any parenting of her. I have rearranged my work schedule so that I will be home every day after school, she will not be alone with my husband or his son. If her opinion of him has not changed in a few weeks then I will leave. I will not tolerate her not feeling safe and loved in our home. If it takes leaving my husband, I'll have to do it.
I appreciate the honesty on this board and if I'm to be honest, it pushed me to not hold anything back this morning when we had our "chat". We will see what the next few weeks hold. Thank you everyone.
The only way to fix this is
The only way to fix this is to bare DH's ass on it firmly and constantly. Pull him aside and explain to him clearly what he is doing and why it will stop or he and his son can leave.
As an equity partner in life you are also an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of biology. The same applies to your DH but his inconsistency in parenting between his spawn and yours and inappropriate discipline and expectations of a 5yo are the issues that must be addressed. He gets it or he goes IMHO.
I am not one to recommend ending a marriage over a kid but if your DH is so clueless that he refuses to change on the issues you have described is he really the man you want raising your daughter?
Good luck.