And we accomplished something at counseling! Other than fighting!
Counseling this afternoon, wasn't really looking forward to it after the mood of DH and the deep issues with psycho MIL in the last few days but when I went alone last week because DH wanted "a week off. It hasn't been good the last few times and we've been having a great week without the kids, I'd rather not go". Which was fine..I went along and was able to talk to the counselor about some things that were on my mind and heart that I wanted to work through.
I explained to counselor that it feels like we aren't accomplishing anything lately but large arguments that leave us both angry and distant. I told her I would like to focus and discuss parenting issues. That our conflict is usually over discipline with the kids and his mother and his ex wife. I felt we needed to come up with a "parenting plan" and discuss it. So that's what we did.
We wrote it out, it itemizes discipline, consequences, handling it together but verbalizing the consequence comes from bio parent (makes me not be the bad guy with the skids) and how they get the privileges back after the consequence period. It also states that the kids are going to do chores and do them correctly and be monitored and if they don't do them then they lose privileges. Although all of this affects and is intended for all the kids, the issues lie with my SSs as they have a much more entitled attitude and don't want to do anything to help, or as little as possible with as little effort as possible. My girls have been really great lately without even having to ask, but even before they have always been willing to do chores....just wasn't going to have them picking up after SSs while,those boys sat in front of the xbox or tv.
We made it through the session with only a slight flare up by DH for taking something I said and turning tip to me saying it was his fault, however the counselor pointed that put immediately and said "that's not what I heard. That's not what she said". Counselor doesn't even know about the drama with MIL and the convo I had with DH last night. I will say he seemed a little more like himself this evening. Not quite completely over it but maybe is mulling over what I said and working through it.
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Comments
It's nice to have someone
It's nice to have someone point out the crazy other then yourself.
All I can say is ... Hanging you are making progress just probably at a snails pace but it is progress. He listened this time instead of getting on his bike n taking off.
I think he feels like I love my mother and hate her at the same time. That's a difficult feeling to except. But he needs to understand that you are not judging HIM for her actions at all. But he does need to see what she does n says that they are not right. He feels like it's his mom n he can controll her ~ you not asking him to controll her ~ just eliminate her from our lives ~ her words n actions cause havoc. If she claims she is doing all her crap out of love ~ hmmmmm love doesn't hurt. He is no longer her child who needs her help he needs a loving n caring mother n right now she is doing everything but that.
Hope tonight is a better night for ~
If you look at the whole picture ~ I don't think your hubby realizes he can have his own ideas n feelings that aren't controlled by his mom. His interaction w his mom ~ is a mirror of how he deals w his son. But tue difference is ~ he can controll what happens in his home. And he can discipline his son.
I think you are right on
I think you are right on Easy. He can't control his mother, he can control how he allows her to influence our lives. She's played this manipulative, passive aggressive, psychotic train since he was 17, right after his dad died. I know he's having a hard time reconciling that he can still love his mother but accept what she is and that it's unhealthy for him and his family. That woman is a nightmare. It so doesn't need to be this way, but it's like this is the way she WANTS it. I honestly think she wishes we would split. I think she hoped the wedding wouldn't happen because of her wicked ways then, and when it did and that didn't work, she amped it up a few notches. She says I hate her all the time and how terrible I am to her. I asked DH, what exactly is it that I do that makes her think I hate her? And what have I done that is so terrible to her? When I see her I am cordial, polite, smile and converse if in the position that I have to. I have gone over when she has called and needed something and DH wasn't available. The only thing I have said to her, was the first time when she invited BM and SSs to Christmas dinner with my DH's sister, brother, BIL and nephews/neice and DH and I weren't, was if that's what you want it is your holiday and that is your choice. However, you need to understand that woman (BM) is NOT a part of DH (FDH at the time) life anymore, nor a part of HIS family. And the second time I said anything to her was after she repeated intimate and emotional information that I had confided in her and only her regarding DH struggling with his sister's cancer and how it was affecting him and I didn't know how to help him with it. That was a betrayal of trust and confidence. And BM used that info to send me harassing text messages. So that's when I cut that woman from my life and held her at arm's length. She threatened to not come to the wedding. Unless BM was invited to see the boys. She threatened to not come because everyone would be "mean" to her...come on...we are all adults...my family is not going to be "mean" to her. She said no one wants me there anyway. It was tearing DH apart. So I went to her home and said, "Listen, I love your son. I WILL marry your son next weekend. You have been invited. You are welcome to come. Your son WANTS you there because you are his mother. It is important to HIM and he is important to ME. If you don't come, it won't change MY day at all. My feelings won't be hurt. I could care less if you are there or not, but your son wants you to be there. I suggest you figure out what's most important, your son, or your notions and feelings about me. Either way, I WILL marry your son on Saturday, and we WILL start our lives together. You being there or not being there will not change that, and in no way will impact how I feel on that day." Otherwise...she can't say I have ever done a thing to her. Or a bad word to her. Or left her hanging with no help. If she ever had to actually try to tell someone what I have done to mistreat her or why she feels I hate her, I don't think she could come up with an answer without all out lying. I DON'T call her and chat on a regular basis anymore (she caused that by her betrayal), I don't stop over and visit and share a couple glasses of wine (she caused that by her betrayal). Otherwise...I haven't done a damn thing to that woman.
Sessions like yesterday do make me feel like we are accomplishing something...even though yes, it does feel like at a snail's pace. I guess though it's ahead of were we were two months ago. At some point the MIL and appropriate boundaries for both her and BM will need to be brought up, but yesterday wasn't the time.
Wow ~ people were going to be
Wow ~ people were going to be mean to her at your wedding ~ I wonder why lady ??!! Because you are MEAN !!
Sounds like she doesn't like the shift of DH not NEEDING her like he use to. Get over it lady ~ it's called empty nest syndrome n every parent goes through it. My god !
He is getting there ~ I think he feels as though he is betraying his mother in a sense. He is betraying her ~ he is trying to dictate to her what he WONT tolerate. That is normal. He will stand his ground ~ for some reason I believe in him. Whatever happen to treating people how you would want to be treated. With respect ~ he needs to realize that he n his mother can agree to disagree. As soon as he gets that he will see the light. Disagreeing with someone is not being disrespectful. It's simply telling someone ~ I will accept your views don't try and jam it down my throat. I have my own opinion and I see things differently than you do.
I was bless my parents brought me up to be able to agree to disagree. We all think differently !
Sorry to hear about SIL's illness.
cancer sucks !!!
Your mother in law seems to have abandonment issues ~ she needs to work out.
He needs to tell her ~ I will not tolerate you second guessing how I run my home ~ in regards to my kids, my wife and BM. BM is not a factor in my life. When we divorced that was the cutting of her from my life. If you can't respect how I live my life ~ then you will not be a part of it. Plain and simple. That he wants her in his life but you ultimately have no say in how I run my house. You are a none factor.
Remember his anger is really inward hurt n frustration