Trying to Disengage
DH has assured me we will seek counseling this time...if not I am out of here. Cannot continue to live under the scrutiny. In the meantime, I am trying to disengage. DH wants stepson to eat eggs for breakfast everyday, so, I have taught step son how to cook his eggs AND clean up after himself. DH wants SS up by 9:00, so now if I have to tell SS to get up more than once I just tell him he can discuss it with his Dad when he gets home. I have better things to do than spend an hour begging him to get out of the bed. DH does not think it is important for him to be active, so yesterday SS played Xbox for 7 hours. In the meantime, BS and I watched a movie together, went for a walk, ran some errands, and cooked supper together. I feel guilty that SS sat in his room all day with the door closed on his Xbox, but suddenly DH has decided that is fine. I can't enforce something he is not going to back me up on.
Today I am taking BS and BD out for lunch. Of course SS is welcome to go, but DH has him convinced that I am evil incarnate, I am not sure if he will go with me or not....we will see. I am done catering to him to try to build a relationship with him when nothing I do matters to DH and I am still criticized for any little thing.
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All of your points are
All of your points are absolutely correct!! It is just not as easy as it sounds, and I feel an incredible amount of guilt treating BS one way and SS another when they are the same age. Then the fact that DH wants me to parent one day and the next day he does not. He just does not know what he wants me to do and cannot see the conflict he is causing in me. I don't mind doing anything for SS, I just get so frustrated. I get so tired of arguing with DH, who is a good husband and a good dad he is just so overprotective. SS does not know how to have a thought by himself he has to ask DH what he thinks, likes, etc. I am afraid he will never know how to survive in this world alone.......
If you are damned if you do
If you are damned if you do and damned if you don't....then DON'T.
The problem is, you are allowing your husband to control your actions. He wants you to do this. He wants you to do that. If he is going to be so wimpy then YOU do what YOU want to do!
You have no reason to feel guilty that a child doesn't have two awesome parents. It's sad but you cannot save everyone. You have to focus on you and yours.
It isn't easy to disengage.
It isn't easy to disengage. Disengaging is about you deciding that no one will play with your emotions. It's about you taking control of your life and not waiting for DH to get his parenting act together. The only way progress takes hold is if one of you makes a move towards sanity.
DH isn't going make a move, he's happy with what he does. He's got you to do what he wants when he wants it. He's choosing when you may and may not have authority. You either do or you don't. I was there 3 years ago and I still have my moments but I am much happier PERSONALLY. It's about me NOT the skids and DH.
I chose what I would disengage from with DH and the skids. I no longer do laundry, pack their bags to BM's house, clean their rooms or cook for them. They play on xbox and iPads all day long. If DH has something he wants them to do while he's at work, it's up to him to relay that to his kids.
For instance…we had a tournament to attend in another state. It required them to pack and be ready at a certain time. When DH got home and saw his kids not ready he immediately looked to me as if I was in charge of them and looking to blame me.
My answer was "I thought you gave them their marching orders?" He said he did. I gave him no answer….crickets.
The next weekend, same thing. They were not ready. My answer "Didn't you give them their marching orders?" I did. CRICKETS.
DH only has himself to answer to on how his kids behave. I'm not their parent.
I'm not mean to the skids and I do expect respect. I will not tolerate my home to be a pigsty. That's BM's home.
Bottom line is you will continue to be miserable unless you take hold of your own life.