don't think I was wrong.
DH & I have slowly been covering some of the issues we've had in blending this family. I had told him a few weeks ago when he told me he doesn't understand why his kids don't see me as their mother that they won't.
He thinks it is my fault they won't, but really if he doesn't parent them and doesn't require them to respect me, and doesnt monitor what BM says to SD12 on the rare times they talk then that's that.
Our relationship isn't for lack of trying on my part. Sd12 doesn't like me. Won't listen. And instead if I say something for her best ibterest , will push back more. Is the not showering or wearing clean clothes.
So she wants to go to a sleepover. She asks dh, dh comes and ask a me, I tell him that's not up to me, and he gets all kinds of hurt over it. Why? He is the one asked, he is the parent. If I make that choice then I'm liked for all of 2 fake seconds and if I say no, well then I'm still the resident wicked bitch.
Now I am the one home, so had he asked did SD do her chores, bath herself, change her underwear more than once this week. I would tell him, so he could make an informed decision.
I told him he had to be the one to parent her, and this wasn't even a high conflict thing, so why is he making me feel bad?
I have been standing my
I have been standing my ground with that. It's obvious that he sees it, but he just doesn't do anything about it. Even with me only saying I'm not the one to make that choice, he went to sd12 and told her that she better not be nasty and bring clean clothes and underwear.
But were I to say that, then I'd be picking on her, not trying tojust looking out that she had these basic skills.
I know he guilt parentscakot. Feels bad that BM has nothing to do with them, hasn't seen them in years. But that is not a reason to not parent. And she has a strong enough hold on them still, that I will not ever be viewed as a parent.
It really is a shame. She
It really is a shame. She doesn't pay, call, write, visit, or anything. But every few months when they call her, she fills their heads with lies and she's the best person in the world :/ apparently daily care for them means nothing compared to broken promises for vacations and returned phone calls.
...Sounds to me like His
...Sounds to me like His expectations going into this relationship were not realistic...any good counselor would tell Him that expecting you to be their mother is not realistic because you are not their mother...Once he can correctly accept your true identity in this relationship and realize you are not the replacement for his ex-wife regarding her responsibilities as being their mother...True their relationship did not work out..but their roles as parents to the children they bore cannot be replaced by someone else...the other battle you have going against you is being compared to the disney mom (since she is not there)...you are more familiar with the skids because you are there...and familiarity breeds contempt even with a bio parent...let alone a step parent...In other words...Because she is not there and they miss her...whatever she says is going to carry more wight in the arena of influence...
He has to face the fact that his previous relationship has created a state of pre existing conditions to the present relationship...and He cannot change what has already been permanently done..(like having children with someone)...He can't just change partners and expect everyone to comply with His wishes...especially when they are delusional....It dislike trying to stuff a square peg into a round hole...It just doesn't work...
He needs to own his role as their father...and you need to define your role in their lives if you are going to have one...Many of us have been down the road you are traveling and have had to, in the end, completely disengage to save our own sanity from this type of unintentional mental abuse...They don't even realize they are doing it half the time...but the dh's set the new family up for failure because of their unrealistic expectations...We try to create harmony but it only adds to the animosity and feeds the false pride fueled by rejection...
The core issue with a lot of these step kids is the fear of abandonment...because their parents damaged their foundation of security when they divorced...completely destroying the very substance that holds families together to begin with...and we inherit all the damage....We cannot fix what they broke...they cannot even fix what they broke...I know it is hard to hear but divorce to a child rips them apart on the inside...and if that isn't bad enough..when the parents aren't mature enough to get their act together throughout the lifetime of their children growing up...the legacy they leave is devastating to the next generation...i would highly suggest a good counselor now...
I do not think any of us knew what we were getting ourselves into when we took on this role...as I said in another blog...It is like showing up in the final scened of the titanic...there we stand with our bucket trying to help...only to find everyone else scrambling for lifeboats...and once we realize the degree of damage that has already been done...we start looking for our own lifeboat to save ourselves...because if you are not careful...you can lose your own personhood your individual identity. trying to fix this mess that you cannot begin to fix...
I know I did and many of us that have been in it for the long haul have..PLEASE... learn from my mistakes....at least then I will not feel like I have completely wasted so much of my life on the futility of this subject....
This is great advice, thank
This is great advice, thank you.
This has been ongoing for
This has been ongoing for years, and for the most part I've learned to let it go. I do confiscate anything left out over night. SD goes to school in nasty clothes, whatever. But the disgusting hygiene problems, I cannot get past. We have a baby in the house now and I do not want her germy butt holding him or touching his toys or the baby grabbing the greasy hair into his mouth. Ugh
That's.... weird. My DH and
That's.... weird. My DH and I have bios, we parent together. And yet it wouldn't even cross his mind to ask me if one of the kids asked something like that (whether they were "his" or "ours"). Check to see if we have plans? Sure. But ask me to make the parenting call that the child asked of him? Nope. He's a parent too, he gets to make decisions.
So I find it VERY weird that your DH is not just asking you to "help" parent - he is quite literally asking you to be THE parent, by deferring simple decisions like that to you. Why? Why doesn't he feel capable of making simple parenting decisions? I'd point that out to him and ask him what the deal is, because even if you're NOT in a step situation I don't think that's right. It's even weirder when they're not your kids!