New relationship going sour due to SD bad interaction with SS
We have been together 5 years and wedding is booked for February. We live in my home, and my partner works for my boss. I run all of the finances and keep the home going due to his sporadic work history. I pay for his debt and bought him a new car to drive and make sure our bills, mortgages are paid, and we go on nice holidays a few times a year. It is a good life, and we are very blessed.
My only problem until now has been that he and SS (13) fight constantly. Little one has admitted he does push buttons and has tried to break us up. Today at counselling I found out it is working. But instead of him(partner) being part of the problem, it is that I emasculate him (he doesn't feel like a man) because he lives in my home and has to live by my rules in regards to my son. He is 42 and I think this is all a mid-life crisis and he is feeling bad because he is broke, doesn't contribute, and put on weight. We have not been in a great place (very intimate)since my operation in March and the following breast cancer diagnosis (incorrect thank goodness, I am fine, but it was a scary ride.)
He is very angry and has said some things that have caused by son to feel unsafe. Not a valid feeling as such, as he would never hurt him, but BF was very violent, so the feeling is understandable. My partner is extremely strict and I don't want my son raised that way. I think he can be a good man without all of the over the top rules and restrictions (don't talk unless spoken to, spend more time in your room alone, complete a 20 page list of chores before school). Little one is mostly respectful (he is 13 after all), his chores are clean his room, vaccuum house, feed dogs, and poop patrol, his own laundry and his own lunches, and cook dinner for family once a week. He has 1 hr of homework everyday and attends Navy Cadets once a week. He sees his BF once per month.
I am tired of the anger and disgust I hear in my partner's voice when he speaks to his SS. He is not that bad that he deserves it! He doesn't take drugs, is always home on time, uses his manners. What do I do? We have had discussions but it is just getting worse.
So now I am faced with what I feel is a very selfish partner who is always the victim *(due to counselling about SS into problems in our relationship, like he doesn't get enough affection instead of talking about his inappropriate interaction with SS.) and a son who is not happy. I am miserable as I now feel I have failed everyone and I don't know what to do. He said today the wedding was in doubt. He had said previously that he was the one person I could rely and he would never leave....I know, I know, they are just words, but I believed them.
Any advice on helping him how to see the light? Or honest advice if I am to blame? I don't want sides, just honest, helpful advice. Thank you so much!
He sees the light already.
He sees the light already. It's a neon sign that says "I can make this woman feel guilty w/o even lifting my little finger. Life is good w/o having to lift even a little finger. Keep it up, dude!"
Give him his freedom. Instantly. You can do a whole lot better.
I'm going to restate this
I'm going to restate this because I'm not entirely sure you're hearing yourself...
You pay for the home. You pay off fiancees debts. You pay for his car. You got him a job, and before this he has had a "sporadic" work history. Despite the fact that you (seemingly) pay for everything INCLUDING old debts, fiancee is broke. (And, apparently, fat.)
Now, add to that your fiancee must have been born in the 1800's if he still subscribes to the "children do not speak unless spoken to" guideline, he's taking the "children should be seen and not heard" and twisted it to "children shouldn't even be seen, just stay in your room", AND he's raising a farmer's kid who must complete a "20 page list of chores before breakfast". (My grandfather was a farmer's kid. And while he told some stories about how tough it was growing up like that, not even HE had to do that much on an empty stomach!) Now throw in that his dad was violent (which presumably your fiancee knows) and so is justifiably a little sensitive, and your fiancee said/did things to make the child feel unsafe in his own home.
Look, there are two sides to every story, and maybe fiancee would come here and tell us a whole bunch of crap SS did that would make us understand the tension. Maybe. And if he did, we'd tell him one of two things: disengage or leave. Because the current situation is not tenable. Since your fiancee isn't here, I'll tell YOU:
Your fiancee either needs to disengage *completely*, or you two need to call off the wedding. "Disengage" simply means he leaves ALL parenting to you. He doesn't tell the kid to brush his teeth, eat his veggies, do his chores, or any other thing. He doesn't watch the kid when you're not home, drive him to school, or take him to baseball practice. ALL parenting responsibilities, decisions, and discipline fall to YOU. He gets to be more of a "fun uncle" if he wants that role, but even something like, "Can I have some soda?" is answered by "Go ask your mom."
I'm going to tell you one other thing, and you're not going to want to hear it. DO NOT GET MARRIED. This is not going to work, long term. Your fiancee is right - he needs to man up and take care of himself before he's ready for this. He needs to straighten out his own debt, pay for his own car, and manage his own life before he's ready to share it with *anyone*. If you keep on this path, he's just going to get more and more resentful of you, and continue taking it out on your kid. And all 3 of you will be miserable. I get that you've been trying to help him - but you've heard the saying, right? "A hand UP, not a hand OUT." You've been giving him hand outs, and that needs to stop. Getting him a job was about the ONLY thing in that list you should have done. Stop the rest of it NOW.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your advice - except forever stacey - really - how did you think that would be helpful?
Akklyskoo, I agree, it should be handup not handout and I must say I have been guilty of that, and take on that part of the problem. He could get on here and tell you how it has been for him, but ultimately I think you are all right, he needs to man up and grow up before this goes any further.
Thanks again.