Can't Get Passed Being Second in DH's Life
I have been married for seven years to DH. He has SS19, SS24, and SD22. I have three daughters, 23, 25, and 28. I also have three grandsons 6, 4, and 2. DH has always been exceptionally close to his kids. He also enables and hand-holds them all. His children are disrespectful to me, and DH never defends me. If I say anything negative about his kids, he defends them to the hilt. He also defends them right in front of them if I say something they don't like instead of coming to me in private with the problem. SD is going off to college pretty soon, SS19 is also going off to a college that's fairly close, and SS24 lives a couple of hours away and has problems finding places to live and keeping jobs.
My problem is this. DH totally puts his kids in front of me. They are his first priority. When I bring this up, he denies it. We recently went on a vacation where this problem was magnified. His kids hung on him like they were little kids. DH took just them to a different city to an amusement park one day. The rest of the days, he separated off with kids in whatever activity we were doing (even eating). This is very painful to me. Everytime I mention it to him, we just get into a big fight, and he denies he is spending more time with his kids and that they are his first priority. He told me that if he spent more time with me when his kids were there, it would be rude to his kids. I asked him to spend 20 minutes with me alone while on vacation, and he said he would be blowing off his kids.
I don't know what to do. I feel totally rejected.
His children are adults. Why
His children are adults. Why is he taking them on vacation?
Wait....never mind.....he's an idiot.
I know this is a small slice of your life, so based on this peek I'm going to assume he will not go to counseling??
Which means you need to ask yourself, do I want to feel this way the rest of my life? And what can I do to change my circumstances?
Edited - By the way......an amusement park for adult children?? Not Hawaii or Mexico or something like that?? This tells you he views skids as children still.
He IS an idiot. I haven't
He IS an idiot. I haven't asked him to go to counseling because whenever I speak to him, he escalates. The vacation was a family reunion so all the adult children went. Believe me, I wouldn't take them on a vacation with me. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do to change things.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write me and give me good advice.
woah, no, you guys need
woah, no, you guys need counseling. Look for attachment therapist model for couples counseling. It's positive, and stays away from the blame game better than other therapies. Trust me, a therapist will tell him to knock that off! And you both can reconnect.
I feel your pain. Mine
I feel your pain. Mine treats his SD's like mini wives with all the privelages and recongnition a healthy husband should give to his wife...the wife should be first. Then he lectures ME like I am his daughter??? I just recently had that ureeka moment!!! Serious role reversal here on my homefront.
I vacation with out the SKIDS. I am done with their high maintenance ways of ruining things. If he has to have them, he can go by himself with his girls, and I will go by myself, with my dogs. Much more relaxing. The beauty of it is, I can spoil me and I always get to pick, AND it is cheaper since if they come along DH always pays.
That's a good way of putting
That's a good way of putting it - "mini wives." That's exactly the way I feel. That's a good idea to just vacation separately. Thanks for taking the time to write.
Yeah, I had 2 years of that
Yeah, I had 2 years of that and I lost my attraction for dh. I can't imagine 7.
Start planning a vacation
Start planning a vacation with any one of your kids that wants to go. Tell him that's the way you're gonna vacation from now on. You don't have fun with him on his, why on earth should you go?
He will get all mad and accuse you of all kinds of things. Let it roll off your back. He has fun his way, you're going to have fun your way. Just following his example.
Or tell him this is SERIOUS. You did not get married in order to be ignored until lights out. Tell him you want to be a full romantic partner, not just a sexual one.
If he doesn't do SOMETHING that indicates you have his attention, well, start asking yourself why on earth you stay with him? Really, there are great guys out there. Don't waste your life on one who won't listen to you when you are in deep pain.
I feel for you. That's tough.
I feel for you. That's tough.
yiu have to speak up. I'm only at the beginning of this hard journey of being a SM and I'm starting to find my voice. i can't imagine 7 years of holidays with childish adult skids.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your post. I agree with every word. I feel like you really understand what I'm going through. I will definitely use these new techniques. I'm sure they will be life-changing. I will keep you informed.
I like that! I need to
I like that! I need to change my perspective! This is ridiculous. I'm getting really sick of this! I am changing my thinking to not needing him too! Life would be better without him if he continues to treat me like crap.
Wow, what a timely comment!
Wow, what a timely comment! My daughter is having her first baby on 12/22, and the plan was for DH and his grown kids to drive out to her house for Christmas (she lives 12 hours away). I was just informed by DH that he doesn't want to join me now because he doesn't want to inconvenience his kids. Wrong answer! I can't believe he actually said that. I guess his kids are his priority!
I really need help right now.
I really need help right now. The saga continues. I asked DH to drive me to my dying Father's house (which is 9 hours away). He refused. Never mind the fact that he moved his daughter (22) last weekend to a place 6 hours away, and he is moving his son to college next weekend. We got into a Hugh argument, and he left the house just to get away I guess. I feel like there is no resolution, and it's devastating me. My heart is broken, and I've given up hope.