Break time
So I've been SD14 free for 2 1/2 days and it's been really nice having a break from the stresses. She'll be back in 3 weeks for a week. That does make me panic a bit but I remind myself that things will be different from now on since I've decided to "disengage".
Even now when I walk past her room, I don't go in to make her bed or get her dirty clothes or straighten up her room. I have closed the door and walk right on by with a smile on my face only I understand. It feels good not putting myself through the frustration of finding trash or dirty clothes stuffed everywhere but where it should me. This is now my DH's job.
It hasn't been easy not giving my opinion when DH gets a phone call from BM about something SD has done. I smile a little on the inside when I see him become frustrated. Not because I'm happy to see him go through that but because I'm not putting myself through it.
I'm curious and scared for when SD does return but I keep telling myself that I can and need to do what is necessary to allow myself to be happy and stress free. The 2 weeks SD was here the stress I subjected myself to made me nauseous, sleep deprived, and caused an almost constant headache. I am starting to feel better every day. This is a motivation to make these changes.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. How true!
You have to stay on the wagon
You have to stay on the wagon for your own mental health. You've seen the relief disengagement can bring so keep your eye on that when she returns. Ignore everything she says unless its spoken directly to you in a respectful voice. Ignore what she does or fails to do unless it'll burn the house down.
Let her starve, let her wear dirty wrinkled clothing, leave the dishes unwashed or trash un-emptied if its her chore. You can always wash one dish, use it, put it back on the pile. Let Daddy discover the mess and let him handle it. Meanwhile just keep tossing more trash on the pile.
You may be amazed at the difference it makes. When you quit reacting to their antics you remove their source of power, now nothing they do provokes a reaction. Now they have to ask themselves "Now what"? and there is no answer. It's been known to happen that they turn around and start acting normally. Parents have used this same technique often calling it "Going on strike".
I have been disengaged since
I have been disengaged since 7/7/14, and fully for just a few days now. I had to figure it out and work out the kinks lol. There are NO dirty dishes because the skids are too lazy to make anything, they just eat granola bars and chips from the pantry. I bought paper plates, plastic spoons and forks....I use those for myself and just put them in the trash. The only thing I monitor with SDstb13 is the diaper on the dog. I got so tired of being on my hands and knees every other day, wiping up dog pee from SDog. The only reason there is a diaper on the dog is because the skids don't watch him. And we HAVE a dog door, but the little pecker (lol) likes to mark on my floors now! So, if I send SDog outside, I remove his diaper. If it's full of pee, I call to the skids to handle it. SD19 has done very little, but SDstb13 has done most of the SDog changing.
Over, I smiled when I read your post above...."with a smile only I understand...." I understand, too, and it's so much better now, isn't it? It's very tough not to monitor these kids but sooooo nice NOT to! Hang in there, I'm with you!
~ Moon
Did I mention that SD is a
Did I mention that SD is a vegetarian? Meals are difficult to plan and prepare when she is here. I usually prepare meals 90% of the time. Now DH will be responsible her meals as I will be preparing meals as I would if SD was not here. This will now require DH to get up off the couch and ensure SD has something to eat. Makes my job easier and his job harder.
We went through that in 2013
We went through that in 2013 with SD19. It was some kind of control thing she was trying to prove to herself. Control runs on her BM's side of the family tree. BM passed away last year. but anyway, it was tough always trying to please her. I finally just said screw it and let her have a bag of steamed veggies and a small red potato every night for dinner. SD19 was trying to be all healthy and claims that she was suffering from an eating disorder. She would eat like a bird and then eat an entire package of Oreos at night.
I just eat Oreos all day long. Whenever I want. In front of people.
~ Moon