Preschool and dealing with BM
SD3 is going to be starting Preschool this year, and I am wondering how FDH and I should go about dealing with BM and the school?
As of now we have SD Wednesday through Saturday and every other Sunday, but once SD starts going to this Preschool (for 3 days a week because is it like a pre-Preschool because SD is still too young to go to and actual preschool, because she has a fall birthday.) We have discussed with BM about changing the schedule to one week on one week off, even though she will only be attending school for 3 days FDH and I want to change the schedule now before she gets older and actually starts weekly schooling, BM wants to wait as long as she can before agreeing to this change... of course.
We cannot Co-parent, we tried for two years, but BM made it VERY difficult for us to Co-parent, so we have adopted the parallel parenting ways, and it has been life changing!! SD3 is in a much better mood when she comes home, and there is less stress on FDH because he doesn't feel the need to let BM know exactly what's going on in our house regarding SD.
Now that I have givin you the 'run down' of how it has been before school, how would we continue this when school starts with SD?
When we go for the open house at the school should I have FDH explain to the teacher that SD has to have double of everything, and why (just not go into details)? (picture packets, Parent teacher conference info, ect.) I have been thinking about FDH giving his email to her teacher so that he can be in the loop when it comes to her schooling, only because I don't trust BM to give us all of the info, AND I don't want him to be dependent on BM to give him info regarding SD's schooling.
Also, on our weeks I will be the one picking SD up from school, but I honestly don't think that BM will put me on the form as an OK person to get SD... How would I figure out if I am okay to get SD after school? FDH and I, as well as BM and (most likely) her BF will all be attending the open house at the end of August with SD, What is the best way to handle that?! lol, I know I am not mom, but I am just as involved with SD as her parents are (if not, at times, a little more.)
I know it's a lot, lol, but I have been getting Anxiety about SD starting school because I know that things with BM could go so bad in so many ways, and I just want FDH and I to be as prepared as we can be when SD starts school. I like having Game plans, and as of now i have no plan for how we are going to get all of the information that we are going to need for SD...
Any advice? (sorry for the length, but thanks for hanging in to read)
Advice... goodness, there's a
Advice... goodness, there's a lot there! Well, let's see.
As for the visitation schedule, I wouldn't change it unless there's some sort of problem. I've heard plenty of people with mid-week custody changes who say that works out MUCH better for them than changing over on the weekend. (If every weekend is a changeover, weekends were never relaxing for anyone, even the kid. Mid-week worked better for those people.) Even when she goes to school, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Yes, the school should have both Mom and Dad's email addresses and send to both. They should have no problem with that at all. You might run into more issues with the "double of everything" (especially photo packets), and even more because the school will give those to whoever picks her up that day - asking them to hold on to something an extra week until the other parent picks SD up means things might easily be forgotten. However, you might find that sharing school info is actually easier than the co-parenting stuff. Maybe. In any case, schools see kids from divorced families all the time, so just tell them there is conflict and DH would prefer as much communication regarding schooling comes from the school as possible. They should be able to work with you (although, as I said, there will likely be problems if you rely on this exclusively).
Regarding you picking her up, I'm not sure. That's probably a question for the school. Around here, preschools are all private, so whoever writes the checks gets to put whomever they like on the pickup list. I'm not sure how it would work in a public school. (I'm an authorized contact for SD, but BM is actually the one who put me on the form. Not out of the goodness of her heart, you understand, but because if one of us has to leave work and be inconvenienced, she'd rather it wasn't her.)
I've worked in childcare.
I've worked in childcare. State laws vary from state to state in the basics, but generally in any state, a child care or preschool cannot prevent either biological parent from picking up or designating another person for pick-up.
Doesn't matter if it is private or public or who is paying.
I would just have your dh tell the teacher he wants to add you to the pick-up list. Most likely there will not even be a question about this.
At the very most, he would have to provide the court order that shows he has joint legal custody and showing what the custody schedule is.
As far as papers, etc- we have always just had a folder in the backpack and they leave the papers in it so each can see them. Sd is school age now and some teachers have been more cooperative as far as packing extras, etc. than others.
I agree don't try to change the schedule unless it is not working. IMO and from my reading, 3 would be too young for week on/week off anyhow.
Even in our most conflict-filled years, we have been all going to open houses, parties, etc. Just go, smile, say hello and sit across the room. Interact with sd as much as you can, but then back off at times to let bm interact with her. It most likely won't be so bad.
Thank you, I feel much better
Thank you, I feel much better (especially about the pick up stuff.)
Here is another question I just though of (because I didn't think that we would have to show the CO with the Schedule on it.) In our current CO it states that SD will be with us every other day (this is from when she was an infant). But since then we have changed it, because SD was starting to show signs of stress from (what I believe) being in a different house each night. In the CO it states that the old schedule shall continue, UNLESS both parties agree to a change.
We came up with our current Schedule shortly after SD3 turned 1, It took us nearly a month for BM to see that SD was a stressed little baby, and she was doing everything she could to make the schedule as difficult and confusing as possible. Mainly because things like changing the Schedule, or switching days around at times for vacation Honestly confuses the shit outta her... even if its just one day! I always tell FDH to let her know about an extra day we may need a week or two BEFORE we leave, because any sooner she would forget, not write it down ect. and any later she would throw a B*tchfit because it's too short of notice for her... This is the ONLY reason that FDH and I have been thinking about week on week off schedule. It would give us more time to plan trips and it would be less confusing for BM, Also she would have 5 week days that she could do appts, rather than Scheduling these things on our time.
So would we still bring in the CO but explain to the school that we had agreed to a schedule change and give them a copy of what it is now or if we decide to change it the revised copy?
I believe that she will be going to a private Preschool, BM asked FDH yesterday how much he can go half on for SD preschool. We will try the folders, Though I honestly don't trust the BM would keep everything we may need in it... I just don't trust her.
I am going to have FDH give Teach our email, and once I know where she will be going I am going to check their web site and bookmark it.
I would have a copy of the CO
I would have a copy of the CO and print out a couple of months of schedule showing the current schedule.
You probably would not need it, so don't over think it!!
I agree I got that vibe when
I agree I got that vibe when I first read it too..
I have to agree with you. I
I have to agree with you.
I don't think that either of the preschools that my kids went to had conferences. The teacher probably deals with divorced parents all of the time, so I dont think there is any need to giver her any of the details of the "she needs two of everything".
IME with preschool both in
IME with preschool both in working in one and with sd and other kids... there are lots of things that are sent that would need to be shared- fliers about upcoming events, field trip notices, screening notices, notices about illnesses, notices about closing and holidays, requests for materials- I could go on and on.
This has nothing to do with pressuring the kid, but being involved and informed.
Dad and sm need this info as much as biomom does, especially in a case like this where it seems that sm and dad have more than 50%, right? So I am assuming sm is quite involved in the child's life and that is just fine if it is what she and dad agree to.
A 3yo is NOT going to have
A 3yo is NOT going to have homework. That's just silly.