Seyonara...and you're not gonna like your return.

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Halleluja praise Jesus, Stepbrat's mom came and got her. Idk for how long but it's definitely at least a week.

My MIL noticed I've been yelling and getting annoyed with her ALL day long, and laughed at me saying "Good thing your husbands not here or you woulda got an earful for not giving her loves before she left" (Not like it matters, as soon as she saw her mom she ran outside to hug and kiss her. Her REAL mom. The one that it makes sense to love up on. lol)

She told me I gotta just put my foot down and screw DH, if she's going to live in my house I get to chew her out if I don't like something. (which I'm getting more and more comfortable doing). MIL said I don't have to play "buddies". Feels good having his own mother saying this.

Soooo, I'm going to spend the next week deep cleaning my home (because now there's a chance baby might come before 37 weeks!!!!!!) and when she gets back she's going to get a good talking to the second she gets walks in my door. The bed situation is getting taken care of within the next few weeks as well }:)

Feels good. Feels reeeal good.

If you're yelling at her all

If you're yelling at her all day long, maybe you should take parenting classes. Not that you don't have good reason for being irritated (I'm sure you do) but maybe you could benefit from learning a better way to handle her? Or tell dh to get her into daycare or summer camp to get her out of the house during the day. Yelling at her all the time might release the anger you have but it won't help in the long run.

What if he returns the favor

What if he returns the favor and he's wearing cowboy boots?

wait what pregnant woman even

wait what pregnant woman even has balls hahaha

Classes on any subject is

Classes on any subject is always a good idea. Even if you know half the stuff its worthwhile. Don't verbally beat up the kid when she walks in the door. It'll make her feel like she's unwelcome which won't help your situation at all.

Wait until she's been home a few hours and treat it as a routine "Now that you're getting older...". As time passes expect to repeat everything you tell her as it never sticks the first time around or they push the boundaries.

ahh, good point.

Update: So, since SD is gone,

Update:

So, since SD is gone, I got excited because I figured when DH got home we could finally just enjoy some alone time and chat. I really wanted to get my feelings out there now that you all on here have been telling me to address it ASAP and giving me advice.

Well when he got home the first thing he said was "Babygirl already left?" so I just said yes and sat there, he didn't even really act like I was there for a good 10 minutes. And then he initiated the convo with "This is the 3rd time I've asked you to change your behavior with her, and nothing."

This pissed me off so bad, I am SO EFFING TIRED OF BEING TOLD HOW I NEED TO ACT, I just started ranting every last feeling I've been having down to the last drop.

To keep the story short, now he's saying I need to have a serious talk with MIL because she was a stepmom of 3. And "loved them all as her own. If she did it, why can't you". And he's hurt because apparently she calls BM's boyfriend "Daddy bear", so that means I should make her comfortable with calling me "mom"...so many other things said....it doesn't even seem like he fell in love with me for any other reason than the "bond" (in all actuality tolerance)
I had for her.

He just kept repeating over and over again "well then I don't see us together a year from now. You're always going to be giving our son undivided attention and unconditional love and I'm always going to have to be there making sure I'm giving my daughter twice as much attention just so she knows she is loved!"

And what I don't get is that he STILL continued to say "all it takes is a little bit of effort, when she's playing just call her over and give her a hug or a kiss and just say "I love you" so she feels like she's part of a family in this house!"

I flat out told him that the reason I don't do that is because I DON'T LOVE HER. I just don't! Those feelings aren't there, and if I tell her that then I'm lying, and that's even worse. I could tell her I love her a thousand times, it would never be genuine, so why should I lie to her? Just to make him feel better about a non existent "bond" with his child?

I told him maybe it's different/easier for BM's boyfriend to step in and play "daddy bear". But for me, who is pregnant with my first child, my very own FLESH AND BLOOD, my feelings are different. I can't control it. That's just the way it is. I told him yes I'm going to give my boy the world, because at the end of the day he doesn't have another mom to go to, I AM his mom! BM is trying to be active in SD's life, yet he doesn't want that for BM because "she doesn't deserve that, she wasn't there for her like I was, she just uses her for the money", etc...etc..

I told him SD has PARENTS, her and BM, not me. That was the last straw and he said "wow, obviously you need to have a talk with my mom."

Sigh. Maybe I will talk to her again. At least she's understanding.

I just feel like I could talk to tons and tons of people but regardless, I don't think my feelings are going to change.

Also, I feel a little hurt

Also, I feel a little hurt because he said "I call her my pride and joy because I've fought for her and I raised her and I take pride in that, and she has always been the only joy I've had in rough situations. I don't call her that just because it's a cute name."

So apparently, by calling my son my pride and joy, it's just for show, it doesn't actually mean anything.

And he also upset me by saying "I regret getting you pregnant now because of all this"

.................

All I wanted was a happy and healthy pregnancy. I ended up with neither. Just because it's been all about SD and BM. :/

Did you tell him that you

Did you tell him that you HAVE spoken with his Mom, and what she said? Maybe you BOTH need to sit down with MIL.

What a prick

I would say I agree but I

I would say I agree but I just feel like he can't understand, no matter how many times I try to explain. He's never been pregnant and he'll never be a stepmom or biomom so he'll NEVER understand. I just don't know what it's going to take. He constantly says I don't ACCEPT his daughter. I do ACCEPT her. I ACCEPT the fact she's his. But I cannot ACCEPT her as MY OWN.

God. Why are you still with

God. Why are you still with him? This guy is a total prick AND he already treats your unborn son like shit.

I don't know. I just feel bad

I don't know. I just feel bad because he had no other reason that he loved/married me other than what he "thought" was "love" for SD. I mean...I loved him because he was protective of me, funny, we we're comfortable around each other...I fell in love with HIM. not SD. I said "I do" to HIM. not SD. But according to him, when I married him, I married her, because she is a PART of him and "made him the man I fell in love with".

and he's not willing to show

and he's not willing to show our son love because I won't do it for his daughter. Those words came straight from his mouth. So now I have to feel guilty about loving my first bio. This is all my fault, what have I doneeeeee. My poor son If I would have known what I know now I would have never gotten pregnant. I would have never married. *bangs head on wall repeatedly.*

Your DH is frustrated because

Your DH is frustrated because he knows there is someone out there who will show affection to his daughter and make this dynamic feel like a family, but he sees his wife not putting forth the effort (or enough) to make it work. How many times have we wanted our husbands to "do this more" or whatever and he fails to try or doesn't act like it matters as much to him as it does to us? It pisses us off right? Same thing for him.

It sounds like he just wants to blend the family effectively. I don't think he's doing a very good job at getting this through to you, however. I think you guys need counseling big time, as I've been following your posts.

You need to think about if...
1. You are willing to live in a shared custody situation with your DH in which you would be divorced at that time and later your DS would have a loving SM (possible calling mama bear, like DH likes lol), possible step siblings, time away from DS, if you have more kids later with someone else they will be separated from him at times when he's gone at dads), holidays alone, etc.
2. You love your DH for what he is without things that will phase out. Such as "give her loves and cuddles" or whatever. Some of the language you've quoted him to say sounds like a pretty big fucking turn off to me lol but I know that things like this phase out.

The man is being super childish. "I won't love our son unless you love my daughter!!! I wish I never knocked u up! Love my daughter or we will never last" (paraphrased) shit like that needs to be resolved in a different way, but he IS being provoked.

You should really try to give in and try to blend the family a little and make it so everyone has good memories in the home. That's what DH wants. I don't see what the big deal is in trying harder if you really want what's best for your son and you want to stay with DH

The big deal is that her

The big deal is that her husband is trying to force her to be fake. Yes, there are plenty of women out there who have no problem loving their SKs like their own bio. The OP isn't one of those women. There's nothing wrong with that.

She shouldn't have to spend the rest of her life pretending to love his daughter just to keep her family intact. That isn't fair to her, her son or SD.

You can only bend so far

You can only bend so far before you break.

Rubbish! That jerk tells her

Rubbish! That jerk tells her he wouldn't love his own son because his spoiled daughter doesn't get the same over the top attention from his wife that he and the girls mother give to her. He is sick and needs therapy and advice how to prioritize his life properly. He is heartless putting his brat on a pedestal and anyone else down below- even that poor unborn little boy!!!!!!

It really sounds like his

It really sounds like his mother needs to have the talk with HIM. Maybe she can really shed some light into his Brady bunch fantasy. You need to explain to him his Disney parenting will be the end of your relationship. It's not his kid that's the problem, it's him.

MIL may need to have a come to Jesus meeting with her son. Or she's setting you up. I don't know her.

Sigh. But see it's not even

Sigh. But see it's not even like he wants me to have no say. He WANTS...no, EXPECTS that I step in and take full responsibility for her because if I don't "then there's no reason to be married if he still feels like a single parent". But I don't WANT that responsibility...not when I'm going to be a first time mom on top of it, why do I NEED to step in and play "parent" to a child that has 2 bio parents that already love her and are active in her life. he's trying to get a bigger % of custody just out of hate for BM...always saying she doesn't "deserve" a bigger % of time because she chose to not be there the first few years, and BM trying to make up for "lost time with his daughter isn't his problem because that's what he chose. If he lets her have a bigger %, then he wasted 3 years raising her."

You're right Texas64, both him and I see a future of having 2 separate families under 1 roof.

Do I want that? No. But I can't change my feelings towards SD either. I feed her, wash her clothes, clean up after her...all basic needs I'm willing to provide. But love and affection is going to have to come from her own parents. Maybe eventually I'll grow to have some sort of feelings towards her but for now I'm feeling rushed to find those feelings I don't have, guilty for loving my own son more than anything in the world, expected to be Brady bunch step mom and new mom all at pretty much the same time, it just angers me. I tried telling DH that maybe these feelings of resentment will go away eventually, but not right now. I apologized but there really is nothing I can do.

He kept saying "you don't accept her, you don't accept her, you don't accept her" I DO accept her. I care for her to the point where I'm willing to be there for her in the future if her BM turns out to be as shady. I will be there to help her when she NEEDS it. But when I look at that girl, I can honestly say she just doesn't make me happy the way she does him. Yes, I'm glad she makes him happy but she doesn't do the same for me.

I tell him I'm not going to go out of my way to "play dolls and go play outside with her and do crafts". Not right now, I barely feel like getting up to feed myself throughout the day because I'm so tired from the pregnancy and trying to prep my home 24/7. He got mad and said "I can guarantee you with ANY other children we have, you'd be willing to do that with them when you're pregnant. You'll be chasing them around and playing with them and I'll just be sitting there wondering "why couldn't she do that for MY child?"

He doesn't really want you to

He doesn't really want you to parent and lovr his daughter unconditionally. He wants he do it within the guidelines that he sets. The minute you step out of line, he'll be on your ass.

I really hope you take what Texas posted to heart.

He doesn't understand that he

He doesn't understand that he made the decision to have two children and you decided to have one. Yes, you married into it knowing she was there, but assuming he would be handling all that stuff and then maybe you would participate if you felt like it.

He should be told by a counselor that mothers have a special attachment to the children they give birth to and that he has the ultimate responsibility for all this stuff and you are along for the ride. But him complaining about it won't bring you closer to sd.

I still think you should try to be nice to her when she's around. Obviously we don't know how it is so you might be already doing that. He can't expect you to give hugs and kisses or anything or force you to do what you don't want to do but for the sake that you want the half siblings to have a great relationship I think you should work hard to keep things fair and be nice to her.

UPDATE: I had a one on one

UPDATE:

I had a one on one with MIL this morning. She gave me a lot of good insight, having been a stepmother to 3.

She was very understanding of everything I said, and YES, she chucked a lot of it being my hormones, because she's had these feelings. We also ended up agreeing on something new, I'm VERY resentful of not only DH, but BM! All this time I said BM doesn't effect me one way or another, but in all actuality, 90% of my resentment is her!

She told me a lot of things SD has repeated about me because "Her mummy said.."

I had no CLUE. Now I'm not so sure BM IS fit to keep her daughter after all of this new stuff I've learned!

Which led to MIL telling me, just breathe, try to accept SD for now, and 6 months down the road after BS birth, if I still feel the way I do now, then yes, I will most likely have to leave the marriage. But she also said that she understands 100% how I feel, and that I'm upset because I feel like "my little family" time has been robbed because SD has to be in the picture.

She was so understanding of that that she said "that's why, if he gets custody of her as of August, I think I want to keep her here for a few months, just so you guys can build a bond with your son, and then slowly introduce his daughter back in. That way his daughter isn't left with the only option of being with her BM, and for your sanity, you get that alone time that you are wanting with the baby."

I can't believe she offered...no insisted to do that for me! She said that's what would be in everyone's best interest for the long run, because in the long run, DH and BM may be going to get shared custody of having their daughter 1 year at a time.

So in the end, she told me to try not to ignore SD, because that could hurt me more than help me, but at the same time, don't FORCE myself to feel a certain way about her. Because that'll also build more resentment. Ultimately, I want SD and BS to have a close relationship like me and my half-brother. So we think my attitude/ thoughts will change AFTER I've had my special time to bond with my first child

I'm so grateful for her. I truly do look to my MIL as a role model.

She also won't tolerate DH's behavior toward me when it comes to a lot of things I told her he's said and done, so she's having a private talk with him tonight as well. And then expects us to all 3 sit down together at some point.

"because in the long run, DH

"because in the long run, DH and BM may be going to get shared custody of having their daughter 1 year at a time."

how on earth is that in a child's best interest? You live here in 2014, mom's 2015, back to dad's 2016 - am i really interpreting that correctly??

Idk, apparently that's one of

Idk, apparently that's one of the suggestions the mediator gave them, because at least it'd provide "some stability". her mom lives 3 hours away so back and forth on weekends isn't really going to work for both of them, and apparently one thinks if the other keeps her for the school year they won't get to visit. And MIL said that if he gets her for the first year as of august, she wants SD staying with her for a few months at first to give me time to adjust once baby arrives (husband works 6 am til 7/8 pm daily so I'd virtually have no help). Plus MIL has 2 teenagers herself to help with SD and getting her to school, etc, etc.

Good point, he should be

Good point, he should be leaving me alone when it comes to trying to force my connection/feelings with her. But now after all of the NEW information I've learned about her BM, looks like whether I want to or not, I'm going to have to step up the effort in case the courts decide to do the 1-year-at-a-time thing (idk how she'll like going back and forth to different schools every year...if the court will even think that's a good idea).

I guess my MIL sat SD down and told her that she needs to listen to me when we are at home. If I say no, it means no, and not to go ask her dad. She told her that because I married her dad, now she has 2 moms, and she needs to listen and behave around both of her moms.

Well apparently she replied "No I don't, my mummy said Nikki is not my mom."

While yes, I agree with BM, I am not her mom, this irked me a bit because what else has she told her about me that could be influencing this girl's behavior during her stays? And she tells her daughter I am not her mom, even though I'm expected to care for her when she's here, yet she has SD address BM's boyfriend as "daddy bear"? Now I'm starting to see a little resentment towards me. Which makes me nervous because the night SD left home with her for this week, she texted DH saying "what is this scar on my baby's neck?? Not cool."

First of all, we have no clue where even our OWN scars came from, let alone hers. She's 5. She has a trampoline, pets, just isn't careful in general...yes I understand you want to make sure your child is in a safe environment when they aren't with you, but apparently she's never questioned DH for anything like that before until NOW. So what is she trying to get at, she thinks I'VE done something to her daughter??

Also we found out that the day she picked up SD, she went home that night and went out to a bar?? And was posting photos of it online? I know I haven't really been caring about SD, but I couldn't help but wonder who she was left with? And why would her mom spend the first night back with...no, ANY of her visit with her daughter and leave to be at a bar?

When SD is with her I guess she's been asking for even MORE money on top of CS and Daycare "for baby's clothes"...we never see any new clothes? Same old ragged stained outfits? Unless she keeps them at her place, we'll never know.

Idk...I'm starting to get some sketchy vibes, and I know DH and MIL have both told me that as much as I may not want her living with us and I've seen how much she loves and asks about when she's going to see her mummy and her BM kissing and hugging on her when she picks her up, BM is shady and the best place for her to be living would be with us.

I know I shouldn't be on a guilt trip, but now I feel like I've been selfish. This girl may not be my favorite, but idk what kind of influence her mother is on her at this point. And she never asked to be born. So I'm starting to have a LITTLE bit of my heart open up...even though I would still want some alone time with my newborn and feel like I missed my alone time with DH and yaddah yaddah, I don't want some kid being used and lied to for their BM's benefits...and being dumped off on babysitters so her mom can spend her evenings in bars either.

I think I'm having a slight change of heart ya'll.

But also my MIL scared the

But also my MIL scared the shit outta me coz she said "well that's why I wanted to be here when she got picked up, so I could have introduced you to her BM. She needs to know who you are and accept the fact that you are her stepmom and taking care of her when she is visiting here."

Personally, I don't really feel a need to "introduce" myself to BM, I want to leave her alone and stay out of any extra drama. We've never said one word to each other and I intend to keep it that way. I know how I treat her child when she's here, and I am MARRIED to her dad, so he knows too, I shouldn't have to try to make BM comfortable with me wth. lol

it sounds like you are the FT

it sounds like you are the FT caregiver of this girl?

I agree that you need to take charge of her and your home if that is the case. However, everything i have read in stepparenting books and even on here says that if that is to be the case, the word needs to come from the bio parent to child, not the stepparent to child or you will run into the classic "you arent my mother i dont have to listen to you" situation.

if your husband wants this "happy family" he needs to first and foremost set things up that you DO have authority over this child in your home, during the times when you are the only adult at home. he then needs to back you upon any decisions/punishments made during those times you are in charge of your SD.

you may not ever love her....but there is a chance where you can at least like her, get along with her and have a happier relationship.

Well her primary residency is

Well her primary residency is with her mom and the times we have her has changed so many times because BM and DH keep fighting over who gets more time with her and how to make it even, so now on august 5 we'll find out if the court settles for the 1 year here, 1 year there thing, or if they'll stick with she's with BM during school year and dad in the summer. But yes I fully agree with having him tell her she needs to listen and back me up if he's expecting me to "treat her as my own". I'm not a pushover like he is when I'm fed up with something, so there are consequences if you don't behave.

MIL's 1 on 1 with me

MIL's 1 on 1 with me yesterday also gave me a reality check and told me why her first marriage failed.

She told me that she hated her stepchildren before she ever loved them.

She hated her SD in her first marriage, hated that she was "in the way" of her relationship, and she was "daddy's girl", taking up all of her husband's time, money, and what felt like his love as well. She said that her resentment and anger grew and grew even after her first BS was born, and it actually ended up having her BS and SD hating each other, because MIL would treat her BS better/differently than SD. She said the fighting between siblings got so bad that her husband said they would have to separate because he couldn't stand seeing his daughter miserable in her own home. They felt like 2 families under one roof instead of 1, and it just wasn't working.

In turn this broke everyone's heart. The kids didn't want their parents to be sad because they were separating and the parents didn't want their kids to be miserable because they had to live together. The separation happened and eventually lead to divorce. Now get this, even though she went through what she went through in the first marriage, all because she couldn't learn to accept SD and treat her like she treated her BS, and thought she should have NEVER gotten involved with a man with a child and would NEVER do it again, sure enough...she did.

But the 2nd time was much different.

Her 2nd husband had 2 children, and the 2nd time she chose to do things differently. She took all kids (his 2, her 1) and did activities with all 3 of them. She gave all 3 of them chores and all 3 were disciplined. She chose to treat them equally so she could enjoy her husband without having to spend a marriage walking on eggshells because it revolved around kids. She told me that if she would have just done that from the get go in her first marriage, and accepted her DH's daughter and treated her the same as her BS, they would have gotten along, therefore her and her first DH would have as well and the marriage wouldn't have failed.

She told me emotion-wise, even though she had a stronger love (obviously) for her own children, she tried not to let it show, even when she was pregnant with her BS2, just because that starts resentment before the child even arrives.

Obviously it's a little late in the game for me to change my behavior, but she said now is the time to start getting SD involved in at least getting excited to meet her brother. It doesn't even have to be extreme like going out and having her help shop, but just as simple as giving her a calender with the due date circled, and asking her everyday how many days are left until she's a big sister, and having her make a gift for his arrival.

I like that idea because it saves the fun of shopping and prepping for baby as a date for DH and I but still gets her involved.

I'm just going to keep reminding myself how close my older half brother and I are, and how much I love my baby (okay well teenage) brother. I was so excited for my baby (teenage) brother to come, I remember my mom let me start helping as soon as I turned 7. I think that's the age I'll set for her as well, I don't really want her helping with much until he's a little bit older. (just for safety purposes, not resentment lol)

True, I tried telling him

True, I tried telling him that I feel pushed aside when she's here and he said "that's not true, I give you kisses and talk to you when she's around. But you have to engage yourself in the time I'm spending with her instead of going off and doing your own thing, no wonder you're feeling rejected."

lmaooooo. At that point I'm

lmaooooo. At that point I'm just gonna have to tell him to shut the hell up.

One thing that also often

One thing that also often helps an older sibling accept a new little one is if they get a "wecome" gift from the baby. An "I'm the Big Sister" shirt, a book or two about being an oldrr sibling (there are some good kids ones out there), a video she's been wanting and a few things you and your husband feel she can have now that she is a "big girl" and an "older sister". FROM the baby. Smooths they way a lot.

It sounds like your mil is a

It sounds like your mil is a great resource. Your dh sounds like an ex of mine.

I think that given you will be having a baby with dh soon, it makes sense to try to work things out.

Your feelings and behavior toward sd CAN change, and from what you have written, probably should.

BUT your dh has to step back.

AND you need to disengage from sd and work on building a positive relationship with her. Disengaging doesn't need to mean ignoring. What it means is you let go of control and responsibility. Your dh should be taking care of the child rearing responsibilities and all discipline. You should be spending time with sd playing and having fun.

Once you have a bond and have built up positive regard in both directions, *THEN* you can start to have more of a mothering role.

You can find a million articles explaining the healthiest role for a stepmother to have and why being a stepmother is MUCH different than that of being a stepfather, etc.

And you need to be clear with your dh. There are things YOU need in order to be happy and not build up resentment- I think bed time was one of the issues you raised. Explain how it is affecting you and what boundaries you need. He is her parent and gets to make the decisions about that, but her desires (and even needs) DO NOT trump yours.

For example, if her *need* to have daddy at night is interfering with your ability to sleep at night, HE needs to fix that.

He cannot expect you to take on the responsibility of being a parent and not give you any parental authority or say in HOW sd is raised. Which does he want?!

I told my dh if he wants a nanny- go hire a nanny! I am his wife.

TRUE

Idk, apparently that's one of

I have never heard of a court

I have never heard of a court approving a one year on/off or ANY experts recommending it (I've been researching a lot on these things recently, too), especially for a child that age. I don't buy it. Are you sure dh & mil are being honest with you?

And if it were approved... mil would not be allowed to have her for a few months without bm's approval. And that would not at all be good for sd.

Also, I had missed the comment about the bruise/scar. If I were you in a situation like this, I would not be left alone with their child. You do not need someone accusing you of anything.

Yep coz I saw the papers on

Yep coz I saw the papers on our counter from their mediator. I thought it was weird too, signed and dated. It doesn't make any sense because she'll have a different life every year...but what do I know lol. I like the "stay with mom in school year, stay with dad in summer" deal, but I'm not her parent fighting for who does what when, so lets just watch what happens

But when she's on her dad's visitation time, we don't need approval for MIL to keep her. She's stayed with BM's mom numerous times for long periods, DH doesn't have any say in that.(besides, MIL only lives right up the street. She said she'd just walk over every couple days after school with SD for an hour or so and then take her back to her house).

And yeah, that made me somewhat uncomfortable. My feelings towards BM aren't set in stone but I don't want her thinking I'm harming her daughter.

that makes no sense. a child

that makes no sense. a child changing schools every other year?

mom should keep her school year and dad should have her in the summers and every other holiday/school vacation break.

I know right. I think that's

I know right. I think that's best but BM and DH are too busy battling over "who deserves the most time with her" instead of thinking logically for SD's sake

Heehee, agreed. But we better

Heehee, agreed. But we better keep our voices down, wouldn't wanna get caught "siding with BM" again. It kinda sucks that I don't know her because I hear she just "sees SD as a walking $ sign" and "only loves her daughter for the benefits it gets her", yes I saw that she was indeed at a bar the first night she took SD back for the week, and I do think that's wrong but I'm not quite fully convinced that she's so horrible and does everything despite my DH. I don't believe her to be some raging alcoholic or unfit mother when she facetimes SD during her visits here and she has a nice job and a decent boyfriend that I know of at least. And how could she be such a monster to a child she carried around for 9 months...as a preggo I'm not seein this lol

Maybe, not sure. But everyone

Maybe, not sure. But everyone over here on DH's side of the family made a big deal about how horrible it is and she just got her and she's out drinking...etc, etc.

I'll admit I get a little scared about who she might be left with, but that's none of my business.

Note to self: It's frowned upon to be caught in a bar once you are a mother. (That's probably when I'd need a jack and coke the most! ahahaha)

Just to add, what would

Just to add, what would likely be the scenario in an out of state situation is one parent has the child during the school year, the other parents get a few holiday visits during the year and some or all of summer.

There would have to be some kind of good justification for something outside of that normal arrangement to be approved.

Yeah, that's why I think DH

Yeah, that's why I think DH is gonna be upset because BM left his name off of the birth certificate when SD was born so she would have primary residency and sole decision making in her daughter's life. So regardless her mom will usually have the court in her favor, which means I think I can forsee them keeping it the way it is. But at one point they were doing 6 months at a time, which made her go back and forth between schools each semester. That MAY fly now, but I doubt she'll want that after kindergarten...if that's even possible for schools to accept!

Hmmm... I think you are being

Hmmm... I think you are being fed a bunch of bull to be honest.

I would take everything either dh or mil tell you with a grain of salt.

It makes no difference whose name is on the birth certificate. Once dh has had paternity verified (which he obviously has in some matter or would have zero visitation) he is the father according to the courts. If bm has primary custody (legal and or physical) it has nothing to do with his name being on the bc or the court siding with her.

One parent cannot pawn off their child to another person during the time for extended periods (in some states even for short periods). If bm did that, dh could have fought it and won; as could she if he tried it. Both parents are 100% parents to their children ALL the time.

The courts are highly unlikely to change a current custody order unless there has been a change in circumstances. The courts do not care what bm or dh want, they care what is in the best interest of the child.

Unless there is solid proof one parent is severely neglecting or abusing the child, the court is not going to really factor in who is "more deserving".

Mediators in most states have zero power or authority, btw. They basically just give advice and help the two parties find solutions to conflict.

oh lol well idk how it is in

oh lol well idk how it is in the states but we live in Canada...maybe they're just weird up here. I've noticed they favor her mom a lot, which, given she hasn't been proven to be unfit to care for her child, I see nothing wrong with.

oh yeah and for some reason

oh yeah and for some reason MIL and BM's mother are listed as legal guardians of SD too, so I think that's why it's ok

True...I don't necessarily

True...I don't necessarily YELL all day, I just find myself repeating things over and over to the point where my patience runs too thin, I end up snapping or flat out ignoring her. And since I do feed her, do her hair, wash her clothes clean her messes, when she doesn't listen and behave the first couple of times, just the fact that she isn't my child starts to anger me. I don't want to play babysitter, especially now. I can't spank her, I can't discipline her without her crying to her daddy and telling him she wants to go live with BM. It's just too stressful, I seriously have a hard time dealing lately. Especially since I'm trying to finish my online classes that go until the middle of august, clean my home and prepare for my baby, and on the side try to get used to not being around DH all day and then when he gets home he falls asleep an hour or two later. Then we both are trying to spend time with him but neither of us get alone time with him. I just want to lock myself in a room for the next 8 weeks haha and not be responsible for a child that isn't mine. BUT that's not going to happen so I guess I continue to cringe and force myself to spend time with her until the court decides where she's gonna go as of August 5.

Thanks for more input

Thanks for more input everyone. I'm taking MIL's advice, if 6 months after BS is here, if I still feel resentful towards SD and DH has not changed his behavior, then I will have a good idea where this life is headed, and it'd be good just get out of it. She doesn't want me miserable and BS being ignored because he's not the "victim" of a separation.

And hopefully the love I originally felt for DH returns and can trump even the worst emotions I have towards his past and SD, changing my behavior as well, and yes, hopefully he works on trying to change his behavior for our marriage and son's sake as well.

You are here

Seyonara...and you're not gonna like your return.