Blueburger's picture

Complicated relationships with BM, MIL, and SD

Ok, so, I'm new at this and this is my first blog...ever. Let's start with the basics, which are complicated as the story is long.
DH was with his ex for a few months when he moved her into his parents house because she had said her dad had kicked her out. She lied of course. After a few months they got pregnant and he scrounged up some money to rent a duplex because of all the drama and hysterics and havoc she had been wreaking with his parents. After she had SD, she went batshit crazy. DH took her to the doctor because they both wanted to know what was going on with her; she was more crazy than usual. Come to find out she's bipolar. After they found that out, she gets even worse because now she had an excuse. She would fight with him for no reason, threatened to wreck his cars, threatened to take off with the baby, threatened to hurt him, she cost him one of the two jobs he had, neglected their newborn daughter (his neighbors could hear the baby crying for fifteen to twenty minutes straight without hearing her get up to feed or change her and they knew the baby wasn't colicky), didn't have a job, didn't clean or cook or do anything...all she wanted to do was sit in front of the tv or sleep. After about three months of him trying to deal with his job, BM, the baby, and trying to stay awake, he started leaving the baby at his mothers since the actual BM didn't want to do anything(he was the one to get up every hour to every two hours to feed the baby or whenever the baby was hungry or needed anything, he tended to her every need when he was home). She agreed to it. But then she started threatening again whenever she got pissed off, she started threatening to go get the baby and take off. So the police got involved only to ignore and laugh at him because she has a way of manipulating people and twisting everything to her convenience.
So, after she ripped his collar and tried to knee him in the groin(only because he needed to leave for work since she almost always made him extremely late) he finally had something on her and the police took her to jail for three days and was charged for domestic battery. He gained full custody of his daughter.
So after he finally left her and went back to live with his parents, he continued working because she had also ruined him financially. His mother took care of the SD while DH worked.
So, then the problems started with his mother. First she convinced him to give his parents custody because since he started at a new job, he didn't have insurance. So she got what she wanted because it was obviously for medical reasons and that's stated in the hearing. But then after he had been working at the new job for almost a year, she didn't want to let go. He would drop it because she started accusing him of trying to hurt her.

He would try to do all the things he used to with his daughter when he was home but his mother would constantly correct him, tell him he's not doing anything right, she should do it since she has so much experience, or it would just be easier if she just went ahead and did it. Slowly she just started doing everything he used to and he would have no say in anything whatsoever. She took over the role of mother and even encouraged the child to call her mother. Soon she started hiding her clothes so that only she would know where her granddaughters clothes were. He didn't know how to handle the situation and let it happen. Soon the comments and indirect remarks started by her telling her granddaughter that her father didn't love her because he was never home, that everyone else was better than him at being a father, he wasnt good enough, and that she didn't have to respect him if that's what she felt. So then whenever he tried to correct or discipline his own kid, his kid would go and tell on him and he would be the one to get in trouble. But then his kid and his mother started fighting as well! And the kid was only 6! So DH started resenting his own kid because she's started to become EXACTLY like his mother. And once I came into the picture it only got worse! I don't know how to handle any of this! I only know that I love him and support him in whatever he wants. He now has custody back after I convinced him it's not out of spite, no matter what she said (which of course she threw a HUGE shit fit), he got a better job after I pushed him to look for a place that would treat him better and pay what he was worth, he's moved into his own place after I begged him to get out of his parents for his own sanity and good, and he's moved his daughter in with him which is a HUGE deal. We've been married almost two years and he recently asked if I could help him with SD so, I've quit my job and am now a stay-at-home mom. So now he doesn't let SD go to grandmas as often as he had to and MIL is still taking all this as a personal attack, not what is normal for a family to do...but now that I'm spending more time with SD, I'm beginning to realize that I'm resenting her as well...all of the brainwashing done at grandmas is still intact and I don't know what to do. I feel angry with her all the time. She's just like her grandmother!! Inconsiderate, has to be center of attention, loud, spoiled, snotty, and wants everyone to like her and be like her and she HAS to know everything about everything and is NEVER wrong! And she'll argue with you until you just stop saying anything, even then she'll just keep going!
Every time I thnk she's behaving better, DH drops her off with MIL and when he picks her up she's back to the same self-centered brat. DH says it will take time but every time he tells me he's going to drop her off I get extremely upset even though I try to remind myself that it's really none of my business...but then of course I convince myself it is because I'm the one who has to deal with her again! Wtf!

Oh by the way, BM sees SD whenever she feels like it. She's texted DH saying she didn't care about SD after the first two years of her life. She hasn't seen her since January...


cfmommyof3's picture

Sounds like she shouldn't be

Sounds like she shouldn't be seeing grandma at all and especially not alone. That's friggin crazy! Your DH needs to grow a backbone. This child is still young. Young enough to be "retrained" in normal behaviors. If someone doesn't start reprimanding her now it will only get soooooo much worse. If DH wont put his foot down now just read a bunch of stuff on here and see what YOUR life will be like down the line. I know that doesn't sound very positive but its the truth.

cfmommyof3

HRNYC's picture

I don't know even know where

I don't know even know where to begin. Do you have kids of your own? If not, you are not SAHM. You are SAHSM or live-in nanny. I am not saying this to be mean, I am saying this to try to wake you up. If you guys split up, you are unlikely to get any financial support. DH seems to be dumping off child care on anyone he can find, don't let it screw up your life.

Ponygirl's picture

Wow. MIL already basically

Wow. MIL already basically stole his child from him... I would have cut her off long ago. The most I would allow would be brief supervised family visits only (honestly not even that if it were my own DD, but it's your DH's call and he'll likely be unable to be that firm with MIL). No wonder your DH was in a relationship with crazy (BM)! honestly I suspect you and he could get somewhere with SD if MIL's intentional toxic influence were removed now, while SD is still little enough to have a fighting chance. Just imagine her as a teenager, at this rate...I can see her giving you guys the finger and running off to Grandma's anyway, and Grandma totally enabling and supporting her in her defiance. You've got a nightmare ahead of you IMO...something similar actually happened in my own family with my older sister and our Grandma. Grandma meddled in pathological ways, sister gave parents the finger at 12 years of age and ran off to grandma's. Parents let her because she wanted to go plus her behavior was so out of control by then she was physically attacking mom and making false abuse allegations against mom and stepdad. But then surprise, once Granny had her and couldn't keep her in hand, she gave granny the finger too, ran off to yet another family member, then from that family member back to us, then off to a girls' group home, then at 15 she ran off on the back of a guy's motorcycle to CA. My parents were sick with worry and even posted missing child posters of her everywhere. Sister came back pregnant demanding emancipation wanting to marry the guy. And the whole time, she'd been back in touch with Grandma, who knew exactly where she was and was sending her money but didn't tell her parents where she was or that she'd heard from her. Don't underestimate the permanent damage toxic meddlers can inflict on your family. Your MIL's a real piece of work.

Don't sell your saddle. --anonymous

ksmom14's picture

I think you should go back to

I think you should go back to work and put SD in daycare. First off it would keep you from being around her constantly and help with the resentment and two it would be a good way for her to interact with other kids. Also I agree she needs to not be visiting grandma alone, its only allowing grandma to continue the "brainwashing". It seems your DH needs to pick here, is daughter or his mom, which really needs to be his daughter. Grandma will undoubtedly be upset but maybe she'll get over it any everyone can have a normal relationship in the future.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I would move to another state

I would move to another state with dh and sd and start off fresh. Both of you work, and sd in day care.

Step parenting is just a swirl of DUMB DRAMA!
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When you said the dish washer was loaded, I thought you meant mommy was drunk again.
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Step parenting is unnatural.