DH lied about SD coming to our house
Sd and her family are at our 2nd home for 2 weeks. DH goes over there every day all day. This is fine since I am working.
On Tues I went out of town for work and he decided to have a dinner party with SD. I got home last night and saw a bunch of left overs in the fridge. I asked him why he made so much food and he said, oh I thought out bio son and friend were going to be here.
then a few min later he said well I had SD and family over. well I got angry because he lied and was sneaky about it. The first min I am out of the house he invites someone who hates me and tried to break up our marriage. It's like he's sneaking around with a lover.
They have a perfectly fine place to stay and there is no reason for her to come over. They can have dinner parties there.
I was very upset and told him I don't want someone who hates me and trying to break up our marriage in our home until she starts being respectful and apologizes for being hurtful.
I understand the principle
I understand the principle you're operating under but its his home also and it sounds like he was very careful that you two didn't meet. Everything was cleaned up and put away before you returned. Apparently he has accepted your admonition so there is no problem there so lets leave it alone but if he invites her over again under similar circumstances I'd not make an issue of it.
As for the lie he rethought it in a few minutes and owned up to it. It's not likely that will happen again. Maybe his thinking was "Hey I live here too". Whatever. He was within his rights and hey you got some leftovers to use thus saving you the preparation of a future meal.
Once again, OC, right on.
Once again, OC, right on. Heck, she should be happy as she didn't have to see the SD etc.
And, as you said, even though he wasn't upfront at first, he came clean on the matter.
I know in my situation, DH can see Twit anytime he wants as long as I don't have to see her and put up with her nonsense.
And that would be a big part
And that would be a big part of my issue, her thinking she got away with something and it was her and Daaaaaadddy conspiring against and pulling something over on 20YearsAsAStep-Mom.
That's exactly how I feel.
That's exactly how I feel. Betrayed because they conspired to pull one over on me in my absence. I think it was very disrespectful by both SD and more importantly DH.
I don't know about you, but I
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't trust my SD in my home. Can you trust that SD would stay out of your private things? I can't. I would be upset if DH brought SD in while I was away, then lied about it. At least I'd want to know if I had to replace or clean personal items. Yes, this IS your DH's home too but if he he should have discussed it with you first.
I would freak my freak if DH
I would freak my freak if DH did this behind my back. Recently when we had some big marital problems, I stayed at a hotel 2 nights so we could have a break from each other. I was worried he'd have them over then. Probably would be a deal breaker for me. I'm sorry he did that to you.
This sort of thing was
This sort of thing was happening to me A LOT when I first joined Step Talk about 3 years ago now. Yes in principle OCC is right it's his house too and he can have anyone as a guest if you are away, but for me that misses the point. It's the fact that they have sneaked a secret deal behind your back, and in the process have depicted you to each other as the enemy, the bad fairy that would spoil their fun like two naughty children, the cat that's away so the mice can play. This ignorant/nasty game MUST be stopped so that you and DH can return to respecting each other, stat. It's very hard to change someone's behavior when they're as ready as this to lie, but you have to beat on at this issue with your DH and explain fully that it's not the invasion of your space that matters so much as the fact that they snuck behind your back and demonized you. As a sacrificial move in that strategy I believe that unless the SD is positively a thief or whatever, you would have to allow the visits to happen, BUT ONLY EVER BY ADVANCE AGREEMENT WITH YOU as the other householder and person who will need to be consulted as to your convenience. Thus, when one of them wants a gathering on your territory, DH needs to come to you with the proposed date and time and ask if you will be happy to exit at that time. If you aren't, he has to negotiate a date and time with you and go and put that to the SD.
I now have this situation sorted out with my SS22, who comes by actually when I am there because, by having it all out with my DH directly, we have come to a point that I don't find his presence too irritating. But with my SD25, she was so nasty and manipulative over the years that I have made it clear to my DH that she only sets foot in here once he has shown me the last 6 months' worth of texts and emails revealing that she has not said one snitchy thing about me or our BSs, AND if he has prearranged the visit, AND if he stays present in the room with her and me the whole time. (What a surprise, he still hasn't shown me a clean run of texts/emails, or indeed any, because she is always making sly jabs in them as I know from previous snooping).
I don't know how bad yours has been but I guess the first thing to do is to think whether she is still capable of harm and if she is, then confront that with your DH rather than dealing with the visits, which are secondary if she is still doing harm.
"and created an air of
"and created an air of secrecy with someone who actively hates me."
exactly. That is if he told her. Still, I assume SD would suspect SM's wishes (not to have her at their home) at the very least.
I agree w/Poodle. The point
I agree w/Poodle. The point is that he knew you wouldn't want it and he did it anyway. And it was unnecessary to boot. If DH did let SD know that you didn't want her in your house and yet he had her over behind your back, that's even worse. It's a sort of betrayal. It's not about the technical ownership of the house, it's about respecting your partner.
Yeah, it is his home too, but
Yeah, it is his home too, but that means you BOTH get to decide who's allowed in it. It does NOT mean that if one person isn't home the other gets to make unilateral decisions.
For example, my SD17 had been living with us but moved to her mom's. She wanted to come over to get some of her stuff. Since she doesn't have a car, that means either BabyDaddy or BM would be with her - and I don't trust either of them alone in my house. I told DH that SD would have to wait until we got home (she has a key, but not the alarm code). Now, since it's "his house too", would it be OK if he overruled me and allowed SD (and one of The Untrustworthy) into our home while we were out, despite me saying I wasn't OK with that? NO, absolutely not. The fact that your DH was home (and you were out) while they were there makes it no better. It's a violation. I hope your DH sees that.
What I don't understand is
What I don't understand is how people arrive at decisions like the one your DH arrived at to think it is acceptable or appropriate to invite a toxic presence in to your home even if you weren't there. :?
I doubt he will make that mistake again though.
A marital home is sacrosanct and each spouse has absolute veto rights over any use of the home.
IMHO of course.