Meh, they say you can't compete with a ghost. As long as they accept you and treat you well I say go, perhaps say a few nice words to the effect of "although I never met her, I can tell your mother was a wonderful woman because she had such great kids" and let everyone feel happy that you're involved in their celebration. Yeah, a little creepy to make it for her birthday but, a lot of people have annual remembrance celebrations of lost loved ones.

Since everyone in the family has been so nice to you I think you should attend what is in effect a memorial. He was married. She died. He found you. It's life. There should not be anything awkward about it. Let everyone carry on and you just stay in the background unless someone comes forward and engages you in conversation or three legged races whatever the plan is.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go! Holy cow. I would NEVER expect my husband to go to something like this! My first husband died 13 years ago and his family can do whatever but I am my own person. I'm glad my DD doesn't plan stuff like this.

No, you don't have to attend these events. I'm mortified for you. I'm so sorry you husband said you have to go. That's ridiculous.

I can see both sides...I lost my mom when I was teen and will mourn her for the rest of my life. It was hard when my dad remarried and I had a hard time when the pictures of her slowly were put away. My dad and her divorced and now he is with a wonderful woman who my mom's family adores and includes her in every family event. I think the key with her was not ignoring my mom's memory. She would occasionally ask questions about her, laugh at our stories and not be threatened by her memory. My dad's former wife (never referred to her as my stepmother) forbid anything that reminded us of her and would get upset if she was mentioned, even in an indirect way.

Looks like the kids lost their mom young like I did...while planning a party and expecting you to attend may seem a bit over the top and too much to ask, everyone mourns differently.

I would try talking to your husband again and maybe even your stepson. If it really means that much to him, perhaps go just this one time with the understanding that you feel that she should be 'celebrated' with immediate family only in the future. If they are ok with you not going, perhaps send a personal note with the sentiment that kathc wrote. It's such a sensitive topic but ALL of your feelings should be respected. Good luck!

its always a tough call on this. people who have passed on tend to be made into saints regardless of the reality of their lives.

generally speaking mothers tend to be put on pedestals. when they pass they are made into saints.

hard to compete with that.

i would say let the skid have his birthday observation if it helps him with his grief.

This is a hard one. Once someone passes the memories normally turn to the good times and many times the person becomes almost unreal because of the cherished memories, an idol in some sense. you have said that you have a good relationship with the kids and really you want to keep it that way. By not attending you would being telling the family that you disapprove or don't agree with the celebration which might be the case but I think it is not about acceptance for you so much as it is SS just wanting a day to remember his mother and I do not think that is so awful. If you can, the best thing you can do is support the love he has for his mom and understand his loss.

is there something in particular that is bothersome about this get-together? Find out what it is that is giving you issues and deal with that. Perhaps you cannot celebrate your husband's dead wife's birthday because you did not have the attachment? You see that husband and his daughter have moved on and have accepted but there is something that the son is holding on to. He is the one that has to deal with his own emotions.

One of my sisters-in-law would not let go of her mother's passing and at every family gathering she was always reminiscing about her mom. I did not have the same relationship with this woman, I personally did not care for my mother-in-law but to the blood family she was very special and I had to understand that their feelings were real and should be recognized. I would be silent and I would not express my own thoughts which were not as kind, Husband and I had been married 15 years when she passed.

I hope that helps!

I think it is ridiculous to expect the new wife to go to deceased mom/wife' s memorial birthday celebration.

She never knew the woman, was not part of that life and will feel very uncomfortable in this situation.

The "party" should remain small and intimate- New wife does NOT need to be there.

My mom's dad tied in 1994 and and my GM remarried a year later. She married the man she was engaged to when she met my Grandather. She remarried on her 70th birthday. Her second husband was a very nice guy for the most part. He could get a little crotchety but he was okay. My SGF's first wife died 4yrs before my grandfather died so both he and my GM were widowed.

Her new husand would get a little sensitive occassionally about my grandfather. My GMs brothers had a nasty habbit of reminding DH#2 that the was no (grandads name).

We celebrated my GMs 90th birthday/20th anniversary in a big blow out at the church my GGF donated the land for and built the first church building. It was a blast. At the end of the celebration my GM thanked everyone for coming adn told everyone few of them would see her again.

She died one month to the day later. SGF died 5mos later at 97.

Niether side of that marriage formally celebrated the b-day of the first spouse. However, when we are visitng extended family in that area we place flowers at my baby bros grave, at my grandparents graves and at the graves of my SGF and his first wife among a few other relatives that we place flowers for. For us it is a respect thing.

Maybe you can go and bring a flower arrangement in memory of your Skid's BM. I do find it weird that SS is forcing his dad and sister to relive what is probably a very unpleasant memory. The death of a spouse or a parent has to be ruff.

It's your SS way of dealing with things- even if it is slightly bizarre to me. If he wishes to remember his Mom let him do it in the way he sees fit. Hopefully it is not a way to show you who Dad's real wife IS and exclude you from the family.
It's up to you whether you go or stay, but there is no reason to feel discomfort or think you need to compete with a dead woman. Let them honour her memory. You may get to know about someone who was instrumental in their lives before you were around - if you go - because she was part of their lives. You can take a dispassionate interest in events, but you should not feel pressured to go especially since you did not know her.

Let SS do what he needs to do to remember and grieve for his mother; I really don't think this is a sign of disrespect for you or your position in his dad's life.

It is no one's "fault" that your DH's first wife and mother of your skids passed away. There should be no hard feelings surrounding the fact that dad was lucky enough to find you and not spend the rest of his life alone, so make sure to never act as if there should be.

While it certainly wouldn't be fair to "require" you to go to this gathering, I think it would be a lovely gesture on your part if you did. It will reinforce the fact that there is nothing "wrong" with your DH finding love again after his loss, and you are a legitimate part of his life and family member. You are not in competition with the deceased first wife and BM. It will also make sure everyone knows what a classy lady you are.

My Aunt passed away...oh not a year ago yet. FDH went with me to the funeral, the memorial motorcycle run, the memorial party after that, and each month we all go out as a sort of mini memorial to her.

FDH never met her, she was...Sorry, still hard to talk about, too far gone with breast cancer to see other people towards the end.

It would utterly devastate me if he had not been there to support myself and my Mother.

ETA after OP's update:

Why are you so angry at a dead woman? As an emotionally mature adult you should know people mourn differently and you just need to accept that. Honestly, even if it is "weird" they they still do this, ten years, you should be appreciative enough to understand that they like/love you enough to invite you. They value you, enough, to ask you to come and support them emotionally during a memorial to a lost loved one. YOU mean THAT MUCH To them.

What struck me most about your post is the longing for your family to be connected to you guys in the same way as his is. I don't know your situation obviously, but isn't there any way that there couldn't be more contact between them and the two of you? Skype for example? I'm betting it would be a whole lot easier to look forward to later life if you had more connection with them still and did not have to rely on your SS for what he clearly can't give. He's worshiping at the shrine of his mom and even if he moves to a quieter form of grief, there is by definition no place in his heart for you. There may well be a lot of respect and even affection from him as time goes by, but I think you are right to assume that he won't really bond with you sufficiently for you to stay close to him once your DH passes. So in my view you need to rebalance the sense of family and somehow connect more to your own, even though they are now far away, or at least make them more real to your DH.