I'm at work. But yet, I have that tight, uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I shouldn't. The skids aren't going to be at our house until Sunday. I only have my three bios. But with the situation the way it is and the way my marriage and relationship with DH stands, I already have that feeling.

In fairness, DH has been good for the last few days...but that's not unusual for when his kids aren't there. I have so many things running through my mind and although I know we need to and I really do want to go to counseling, thinking about it on Thursday is already upsetting me. Two weeks in a row now it has not gone well. For three weeks it's not been about how to deal with this issue caused by SS together, but me saying he needs to be accountable and holding to it and DH coming up with reasons why SS hasn't done anything and why he may have done it. This only causes arguments. And more damage. I want to turn this around. I want this week to be...let's discuss our feelings and how we can support each other and yet divide the families in regards to discipline, support and caretaking.

DH has turned his anger and frustration at me so many times for the numerous issues SS creates, and this last time, because it is such a major issue it isn't over yet, and I still feel unsupported and alone and resentful towards DH and so disappointed.

DH and I use to have the most wonderful relationship. He was my best friend. Literally. I have a bff who has been such for the last 20 years of my life, through everything including my first marriage and divorce, and has always been my lean to girl, talk every day...but after a few months of the relationship with DH that relationship was not my biggest support system anymore. My partner actually became my best friend. The first one I would go to, not my girlfriend but my partner. This was a first for me, and so wonderful. I felt like no matter what, things would be okay. When I had a bad day, or was upset with exH or something was going in the wrong direction I couldn't wait to get to DH and have him wrap me in a hug and hold me, and somehow everything would feel better, a sense of peace and calm would envelop me. That's gone these days. I miss my best friend. I miss the way I knew he'd be there, helping to make things better, standing by me, supporting me. Of course this was before we moved in together, before we ran a household together, before MIL no longer had control of skids and could use them to her advantage, before she chose BM over her son and his fiancée, before she betrayed my confidence and trust and told BM personal information about me that I had shared with my MIL. This was before BM amped up her psycho behavior, before she made abuse allegations against my DH and I, before she tried to interrupt our wedding, before she came to MY home and started a scene with DH about our engagement and asking about feeling for her, before she told everyone I was a homewrecker (DH and I started a relationship 6 years AFTER their divorce was final), before she increased her efforts to turn Skids against both me and DH. This was before SS14 would intentionally try to cause problems, before SS14 wanted me out of the picture, back when SS14 wanted to be with me, loved me, and spent time with me, before BM brainwashed him that we are not his family, that we do not care about him, etc etc.

I'm sad. And I am on edge. I want my life back. I want my relationship back. I want the man I fell in love with back. I want my friend back.