100% fair 100% of the time....is it even possible?
I love my husband very much. I even love my stepson. I guess in a way we are lucky because there are no bio parents involved, but sometimes it would be nice to have a break. My SS and BS are the same age and actually get along really well. My SS is OK, just some regular resistance that most kids show their step parents, especially not that he is hitting puberty. The problem comes with my sweet husband who was a single Dad,(no help from mom, grandparent, anyone) who made his son his entire life and they have developed a sort of co-dependency on each other. My SS is ok when the hubby is not around but cant do anything for himself when he is.Hubby cant stand for anyone to correct or questions SS. So, if he goes into the pantry while I am preparing supper, I can't say to him, "you don't need anything to eat right now because we are having supper soon". Because according to my husband, that might hurt his feelings. It would all be well and fine, not correcting the SS if my own son and he were not the same age. As it is I am responsible for getting them up, getting them to school (I teach at the school they both attend), helping with homework, cooking supper, packing lunches etc. I do it all for both boys and do it gladly, until hubby gets home. That is when I have to go from being the silly goofy mom to watching every word that comes out of my mouth, because everything I say is scrutinized. If I use the wrong tone or ask SS not to do something that last week BS did but I did not say anything. Well right now I am tired and don't feel like hearing the dog's squeak toy squeak 100 times in 30 second but last week I was not so stressed so really did not notice. He does not get that and takes it as a personal attack against his son......anything I say to my SS gets analyzed and somehow is always the wrong thing to say and is a personal attack against my SS.
I know how my husband feels and acts is not my SS fault, but I have begun to feel resentful and just do not want to do anything with my SS anymore because the hubby puts so much pressure on mo to be perfect and 100% fair 100 % of the time.
- JenLee's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Have you and your husband
Have you and your husband ever done counseling? I think people are quick to jump to counseling and I am usually not one of them, but in this case, the co-dependency between your SS and DH seems to be the biggest obstacle/main cause and perhaps an outside person helping your DH to understand boundaries and healthy relationships would be beneficial.
I have suggested it for all
I have suggested it for all of us, but hubby refuses. I went for a while on my own, it helped me with some things (raising a teenage daughter) but not the entire family unit.
the biomom left when my SS was one and my husband had no family here so he had to do it all alone and just became very protective. I admire that quality in him, but at the same time, I wish he did not feel a need to protect my SS from me.
I told him recently he should not have married me if he thought I was going to mis treat his not and not trust me to be a part of his life.
It's impossible to be 100%
It's impossible to be 100% fair, 100% all of the time because everyone has different needs.
Also........life is a lot of four letter words. Fair is not one of them.
oh, it is definitely a
oh, it is definitely a conversation that has been had many times. Hubby cannot see how he is undermining me. His defense is that SS is sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily and he does nto want his feeling hurt. I tell him that SS is not going to be prepared for the real world if he tries to keep him in a bubble. My SS is so much more pleasant when his Dad is not around, I almost look forward to day he works late, so I can just let my guard down and be myself. My husband cannot see how SS manipulates him to get his way and when I try to point out any issues my husband takes it as a personal attack against my SS.
People are going to get their
People are going to get their feelings hurt in life. Duh.
Could you just tell him that you care so much about his son, that you're going to treat him how you would treat yours... with both tough love when they're doing something detrimental and motherly love when they're doing something beneficial?
Maybe he just needs to be assured that you love his child and you won't do anything that will hurt him. We know it's not the same as the love you feel for your own, but if adoptive parents can love their kids, surely steps can...when given the authority to build the relationship as they see fit.
And also maybe have talks when the kids are not around like "If one of our kids did ______, how would you handle this situation?" Talk about it in hypothetical situations together so as not to not have him get all defensive about HIS child. That way you are discussing parenting without pointing fingers.
I have asked him over and
I have asked him over and over to please trust me to love his son. No I am not perfect, I might sort tempered from time to time, but not just to the SS but to my kids as well....it happens. It makes it harder becaue he feels like he say whatever he wanted to my kids.....which he is good to them, but sometimes he is short with them....like any parent. I just don't have that same freedom.
Oh hell nah! I am not going
Oh hell nah! I am not going to tip toe around in my own house, walking on egg shells afraid that I am going to upset SS by the things that I say.
It sounds like you are a good and reasonable SM.
I would have a very frank discussion with DH. Explain to him that you will talk to SS the same way you talk to BS. They will have the same rules and same expectations. And if things aren't fair one day, so be it. It will all even itself out eventually.
Your DH is doing your SS a HUGE inservice by coddling him like that. Life is UNFAIR. Your SS needs to learn how to deal with people saying things he may not like.
And its not a step issue. It's YOU as the adult and PARENT need to be able to tell that SS whatever you need to tell him to make sure your house rules are followed. Or your wishes/choices as the ADULT are respected.
Is your DH 100% fair to your
Is your DH 100% fair to your BS 100% of the time? I highly doubt it. I'd turn the tables on him. Just for one day, criticize, critique and scrutinize every stupid little thing your DH says to your BS, everything he does to/for your BS and every facial expression he makes while in your BS presence and see how your DH likes it.
He is setting his kid up for a shitty adulthood, and he is setting the stage for the SS to be the King of all Entitled Brats in the very near future, if he doesn't knock this crap off.
Trust me, been there, done that and I am SUPER resentful (granted some of it is misplaced resentment) of skids because of this same crap. After years of DH telling me I said something in some perceived "tone", or I had some perceived "look" on my face etc. I don't even want to be within a 100 mile radius of skids... and he wonders why?
I don't want to be resentful.
I don't want to be resentful. I just want everyone to work together to make a harmonious home for everyone. I hate the tension in our home. The sad thing is when my husband is not home there is so much more peace. My SS is fine and interacts with the rest of the family and is no more difficult to deal with than any other preteen. But his dad comes home and his demeanor changes. He isolates himself from the rest of the famiy and acts "pitiful". So his Dad thinks that is how he always is not realizing that SS is manipulating him to get 100% of my husband's attention because my husband thinks the SS has spend all day in his room alone while me and "my" kids have had all kinds of fun. My SS does not tell my husband that we all went out for lunch, or a movie or whatever and that he had just went to his room minutes before husband got home.
But it irritates me that my SS does this and if is hurtful that my husband would think that I would let SS sit in his room all day while I ignored him. I have told him before that I am surprised he even leaves the SS in my care since I am so neglectful.