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being HIS step mother

likethestatue's picture

Submitted by likethestatue on Sat, 05/31/2014 - 11:44pm

I always imagined the perfect family, when I thought of my future as a child, imagine my chagrin when I wound up the step mother of the most difficult 5 yr old (and his mother isn't easy). I find myself wondering how in the Hell I got myself into this mess, do I love my husband and darling step son, absolutely, but no one fully equipped me to a step mother at 20 and now 4 years later I find I'm still totally inadequate. :O I'm losing my sanity it feels like every time this innocent being asks me for anything I fly off the handle, It's not his fault his mother tries to make my life a living Hell, or that his mom has no discipline so I ALWAYS look like the bad guy, or that I have 3 other children under 4. But yet he seems to really grind my gears, up until I had my last child everything was manageable but now it seems I've lost control of everything, he's gotten out of hand and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reel him back in, my husband is practically no help not wanting to make my ss "hate" him.... I'm so lost!

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Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sun, 06/01/2014 - 2:07am

Wow, you sound burned and exhausted. (((HUGS)))

Perhaps you and your dh could benefit from parenting classes. Not saying you're bad parents-not at all. But it could help you both learn how to get the chaos under control and learn healthier parenting techniques.

Your dh needs to read "divorce poison." It's all over amazon. Because it'll talk about the $hit bm pulls and how HE needs to stop it.

You need to seek counseling. Hopefully that can help you find better ways to let all the anger out than doing so on ss. My method of choice is to exercise.

What kind of $hit does bm pull? She may know that you've lost control at ss when he asks for something seemingly minor. I'm not judging you or her. I think any of us would be bothered if someone lost it at our kids over something that you admit is innocent. That could be why she's pi$$ed. So I think you should seek counseling so you can identify what leads you to do this and learn healthier ways of dealing with it.

You and dh need to come up with a team plan on how to handle all the kids, including ss, when he acts out. Your dh should go to some of your counseling sessions. Good for you for admitting you need help and seeking it. That's a HUGE first step. You will be alright Smile

TJH100911's picture

Submitted by TJH100911 on Sun, 06/01/2014 - 7:22am

I think this would be happening in a nuclear family as well, but it makes it more difficult because he is a ss. Sibling rivalry drives me bonkers. The idea that because one kid is getting attention, the other needs immediate attention right then too is enough to put me through the roof. He probably sees the amount of effort being out into the smaller children and is feeling jealous and acting out doing anything - even bad things to get attention. Even bad attention is attention.

Maybe you could try to talk with him about all the things he gets to do because he is older. And make sure the younger ones don't get to do the same things. Focus on the idea with him that he is older and he can be such a big help as a result of him being older. And then praise him for being helpful.

"You were so good when I had to put the baby down: thanks for being so quiet. Can you go get me a diaper? I really need help right now. Wow! Thank you so much for your help!!"