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How to Be the Worst BM Ever in 15 Easy Steps

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Pulled from the Borderline BM Handbook of Awesome Parenting:

1. Be sure to feign serious illness or threaten suicide at least once a year. Milk it for all the sympathy you can get before you "miraculaously" get all better. Make sure your kids know all about said dread disease or suicide attempt so they're terrified. That way, they'll appreciate you more.

2. Use PAS against not only your child's father, but anyone else important in his or her life you isn't you. Except your new BF or DH. He's special, and completely in a different category than the SM.

3. Lie about your child's paternity his entire life. Don't worry about the mindfuck it'll cause; your pure motherly love will heal all.

4. Write long emails to the school filled with big words and sentiments of how you're so concerned with your child's failing grades and want him tested for every disability ever discovered, wanted him in special classes, want him tutored, want extra work sent home...then do nothing. Sit and play Farmville all day and pretend the problem doesn't exist.

5. Teach your child to lie to get his way. If that fails, teach him to throw a tantrum.

6. Play favorites and don't hide it from the children. Make sure your child with your ex knows he's shit compared to your love child with your now-husband. Always take your favored child's side. Give him special privileges. Be sure the unfavored child waits hand and foot on the favored one.

7. Treat your children like babies. Do everything for them. Never allow a 9-year-old to pur his own cereal or tie his own shoes. At the same time, adult-ify said children by sharing all the sordid details of your divorce, your financial troubles, and how all your neighbors hate you for no reason. This sounds tricky, but you're a psycho BM! You can do it!

8. Excuse poor behavior in your children as well as yourself. It's not your fault people are so mean to you; they're jealous! They deserve to be screamed at, stolen from or sued.

9. Make sure your child knows he must call you daily, if not twice daily, while with his father. However, be sure to never encourage contact with the other household while the child is on "your" time.

10. Don't teach you kids basic life skills like telling time, counting money, reading a calendar or wiping their own butts. Keep them dependent on you so they'll never, ever, ever leave you. If they leave, it's because you're unloveable, not because they're, you know, grown.

11. Make sure your children are happy and entertained at all times! Don't burden them with homework, chores, bedtimes, vegetables or manners. They'll magically be imparted with all the skills they need the day they turn 18.

12. Sue your ex for full physical custody, then pawn your kid off on whoever will take him as often as you can. The bar's calling, bitches!

13. Make everyone around you completely miserable because you hate your life so much. This, of course, includes your children. Don't do anything to try to change your circumstances though; that would take effort. Also, people who aren't miserable don't get sympathy.

14. Buy your children's love, whether you can afford it or not. Buy them as many Happy Meals and dollar store toys they can handle. Take them to the amusement park till they puke. Don't worry about making memories and building relationships. Shopping is easier.

15. Grill your kid about everything that goes on in the other parent's home. Ask about everything the other parent has bought, vacations he's taken, fun things they've done with your kid. THen cry and throw a fit because you're jealous. Don't be happy that your kid is happy over there; after all, that's a betrayal of you!

Follow these simple steps, and you too can be a psycho BM!!! Smile

Comments

Harleygurl's picture

LMAO! Got them all but 12. Going to the bars would require her to actually get dressed. It's so much easier to guzzle wine and eat Xanax at home.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Alas, every one of these is my life! I'm glad I can laugh about it. Most days!

Ssamantha's picture

This is our BPD BM all the way.....except for 12 and 14. She never really wanted the responsibility of them and did everything in her power to make sure she didn't have to spend money on them. Whenever they asked her for anything, she would say ask your Dad.