Frustrated
My step daughter was five when I married her father. She was cute but lived with her mother more than 1200 kilometers away from us, so not really a part of our lives. My husbands access to her was limited to the odd business trip to the area. That is, until her mother decided to move closer to us shortly after we got married. All of a sudden, from limited minimal contact to every second weekend and every other holiday for two to three weeks at a time. At first it didn't bother me at all. In fact, when I first saw my husband and his daughter together, I was really touched by it. It was one of those things about him that made me love him even more. Coming from a broken home myself and having lived through many problems with my own father and step mother, I thought I was in a good position to understand and handle this blended family dynamic.
In the beginning, I took it in my stride. I knew what I had signed up for and to be honest, I never thought i'd have a problem with being a step mom. But then I fell pregnant with my own child. The day my daughter was born and my husband brought his other daughter to the hospital to see her new "sister", I cringed. This was my new family and I didn't want an "outsider" to be part of it. I didn't want to share my daughter with this other person. It's just gone downhill from there and i'm at breaking point.
I can't say that the child is unpleasant. She's just an 11 year old kid and it's not her fault. But every weekend and holiday she spends with us is emotional torture for me. I don't enjoy it. I have nothing to say to her. I can't bond with her and it takes every ounce of my emotional intelligence to tolerate her presence while I count down the hours till she goes home. And I have no idea why I feel this way. I am not a bad person. I have a good heart and I get on just fine with other kids. Just not this one.
I thought that it would get easier as time passed by but it's actually getting harder to accept her existence in my life to the point where I'm starting to question my decision to marry her father. But I have a daughter of my own now to think of now. I would never want to put her through living in a broken home, and I love my husband very much.
His ex wife and I have had one or two altercations but for the most part, we are civil to each other and there is no jealousy or anything like that between us.
My husband is a stunning man who I love dearly. But as much as I love him and being a parent to my own daughter, the complete opposite is true of me being a step parent. These emotions are eating me up. I've read the "step parenting" for dummies book and have tried to keep my comments and feelings politically correct and in line with this reality with which I am faced. but I can't handle it anymore.
I don't enjoy going on outings as a "family" and prefer to retreat to my room when she's around. My own daughter has grown to love her big sister and has. I have never stood in the way of that. She has, on occasion, asked if she can go play at her sisters house. Thats quite a tough one. It makes no sense to let her go and play and my husbands ex-wifes house. Luckily she is not too persistent about it.
I am totally frustrated and disheartened. I sometimes even feel ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I want to run a mile from this part of my life.
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Comments
Oh, I can really understand
Oh, I can really understand where you're coming from.
I don't post much because I don't feel I have the right to. I don't have a crazy (money-grubbing, yes but she has a husband with a good job now) BM. She and SDstb14 live far far away and I see SD twice a year, max. SD is actually a good kid, especially for a teenager. DH doesn't guilt parent, takes the lead on discipline, and backs me 100% when I need him to.
Yet here I am, psyching myself up for Thanksgiving, when I'll have to deal with SD for a week. I resent her, a lot. It's not because she's a reminder that DH had another life, it's because she disrupts my house. I know she is a good kid. She's loving and sweet, and her only flaws are normal teenage ones, and the fact that she spews back BM's twisted views on life verbatim without engaging her brain. She can't help that, either - it's the environment she's steeped in 99% of the time.
Maybe I'm not a kid person. Maybe I'm not a people person, since I have issues fitting into society anyway. All I know is that my feelings toward DH's daughter range from indifference to resentment, and it's hard to hide, though I'm trying. I am counting down the months until the CS stops (54) and DH doesn't have to ever speak to BM again.
And yes, I am ashamed of myself. Aren't women supposed to be nurturing? What's wrong with me?
But you know what? Your SD isn't your blood. She's not around enough to reflect your and your husband's teaching. You haven't bonded. On the other hand, you aren't physically abusive, and I bet, since you feel the way you do, you're not emotionally abusive either.
You are not a bad person, and you're not the only one who feels this way.
~Trish
Isn't it funny that,
Isn't it funny that, becoming a parent is probably the most natural thing in the world. It's instictive. yet there is so much information around becoming a parent, from pre-natal and post-natal classes to books, magazines, websites and blogs. There are choice about how and where to give birth, how to feed your child, how to raise your child, how to apply discipline etc, and for each choice, there's a world of information out there to re-enforce stuff that most people already know.
But there is nothing natural or instinctive about being a step parent and there's very little to prepare a person for becoming a step parent. it's amazing how big a difference BLOOD makes when it comes to raising children.
The funniest thing is that most divorced dads who are looking for new relationships prefer to meet women who don't have kids. My dad was like that. He based his decisions regarding potential partners solely on whether or not they had kids. I had a step mother and a step father, as a child, and both "rejected" my presence in their lives. My step mother (who felt the same way I do about being a step mother) did not have children of her own, which suited my father because he didn't want to raise another mans children, but she had to suck up his baggage. And my step father did not want to raise another mans children either. This made my growing up years very difficult.
My sister is married to a man with two kids from a previous marriage and her husband said he was not interested in dating a woman with children. My own husband told me recently that although a "woman with children" would not have put him off completely, and he would have based his decision more on how he felt about the woman, and not the baggage she brought with her, he was glad that that I didn't have children. Look, my husband is probably the sweetest man alive and would have accepted me even if I had 10 children, but it would not have been easy for him.
being a step parent is probably one of the biggest challenges anyone can face. It does not come
naturally or easily. I personally dread every weekend and holiday with my step daughter. there is no bond and i'm not really interested in building a bond. i tried initially, thinking i could do it but i found that i was mostly inconsistent in my behaviour. one weekend i'd make a huge effort to bond and be nice and include myself in "family" activities, the next weekend i'd lock myself in my room and not talk to her a single word to her. some weekends I would hug and kiss her in greeting, other weekends, i'd simply say "hello" and move on up to my room. i thought that this inconsistency would do more damage than good. so my decision is to keep a consistent distance and not to confuse the child too much with my erratic behaviour, or to put too much pressure on myself to bond with her. Neither of us asked for this. We just both happen to love the same man, but in different ways. her relationship with her father is important, but has nothing to do with me, and i will leave them to it. perhaps i should use the time that she is with us to get some "me time" in. that way my husband can bond with his two girls and I can keep a consistently comfortable distance. so i'll plan all my hairdressing appointments, girlfriend catch-ups and a new hobby around her visits and hopefully, no-one will get hurt and my frustration can be minimised.
this blog really helps. I wish that there was more information and support for step parents. but i also think that people really need to consider their actions and decisions when it comes to having children. i think it is a decision, or perhaps, in some cases, a "mistake" that is taken far too lightly. the effect that divorce has on children is enormous. My whole life i felt rejected by my step parents and now i'm a step parent, doing the same to my step daughter and i can't help it. now is see how my step parents must have felt about me.
This is probably a different
This is probably a different opinion from everyone else....
I don't like those books. Do whatever works for YOUR family. Everyone is different. Sometimes I think most of the books had to of been written by BMs. They tell you to keep to yourself, don't disapline (in other words let the kids walk all over you) ect ect.
Do what works for you.
It is not strange that you feel this way. Being a SP is hard, and taking the leap to marry when you are unsure of a situations future is normal.
Before you get married you need to find a way to deal with FSD and know that she would be in your life forever. Just like your BD, SD is not just going to drop off into space when she turns 18. She will be around forever. BM will slowly leave your life, just hearing about her on the holidays, grandkids....major things.
I have found my way to deal with it, not that I don't get mad or upset. But I can get over it quickly and not hold resentment. Find that place before you marry, if you can't then splitting up could be better for your BD then staying.
Good luck to you
I think you'll find many of
I think you'll find many of us feel exactly the same way. Frankly it is a NORMAL feeling and very common. I don't define my family as including SD 16.5. Just because you love the father doesn't mean it automatically translates to the kid. Would you expect to automatically love your MIL because you love your DH?
Try reading Stepmonster. It addresses lots of the feelings you are having. I recently read it and received lots of good info and validation. You can find it on amazon.com or at Barnes and Noble. Lots of people on the forum have recommended it.