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Will I regret never being a BM?

Only a Step's picture

I'm 27 years old and have always wanted kids. The man that I love is 34 years old and has a BD9, BS6 and BS5. He has little contact with his 2 older children and split custody of his youngest. Until recently, I thought our future would include a child of our own. He has now decided he doesn't want any more kids. I'm trying to decide if I can be happy only being a SM or if we end it and I find someone who can give me kids of my own.
To all the SMs out there, are you happy our do you regret not having kids of your own?

farting_glitter's picture

do not stay with this guy...it is only going to bring you misery and bitterness....

Decade's picture

This person sums it up perfectly. You will find someone who wants kids.

If you stay with him you will regret it and grow to resent him and his kids.

SecondGeneration's picture

If you have always wanted children of your own and you have started a relationship with a man who already has children, with the future view that someday you will both have children and now hes saying no thats not what he wants then yes you will regret not having children.
Generally speaking women who want children and then end up not being able to have them due to fertility issues or so have a whole world of turmoil and regret. Women who want their own children, cant because their partner doesnt want to but have to look after their partners children? Well thats like 24/7 salt in the wound.

The only instance in which it is ok to decide you do or do not want children is if that decision has come from you, honestly and completely without pressures from a partner.
Yes ofcourse you have to be realistic, I want children however now is not the right time, I am 23 but I now I want to have a child within the next 5 years.
But to me when it comes to "right time" thats practical things that all come with solutions however the only solution when your partner says he doesnt want another child is to either leave him or try to change his mind. But in changing his mind you are risking having a baby with a man who is only allowing it to give you your way and that can lead to all kinds of resentment and issues, and you will have plenty of those with trying to blend your child with the step children.

FMSL's picture

As a step, there is no way my marriage would have survived if I was nothing more than a SM. I have a 3 yr old with DH and I know I would have felt completely unhappy and used if I was expected to be a "mom" for SD instead of my own.

I remember feeling insulted thinking that DH would be willing to have a child with crazy BM but not with me. I couldn't have survived even 1 year of marriage if DH didn't tell me that he wanted to have a child with someone he actually loves instead of his horrible past relationship.

sosikofdrama's picture

just read what others are going thru on here... and U will get smart & not have kids !! ... I don't have kids ... I have NEVER regretted it !!!! .... I see what all my friends have went thru ... most of them told me "DO NOT HAVE KIDS" !!! .... this world is so screwed up .... why bring any more in it ?!

tabby yabba do's picture

I can say, with almost 100% certainty, if I didn't have my DD11 (my own bio) my step kid issues would have pushed me over the edge. For me, I need that loving and close bio relationship as a reminder I'm not crazy and maybe JUST MAYBE I am doing things right, even when DH and skids have me doubting myself.

To each his own, but having my own bio has made step life bearable. I love that child more than life itself. I will never feel the same for my skids.

Calypso1977's picture

i would find a childless man and have kids if you want them.

having a child with a man who doesnt want one is never a good idea, and its an even worse idea when he has other kids.

DPW's picture

I think you need to do some deep thinking about what YOU want your future to look like. On your own. Not with your SO. The reason I want you to do it without him is because I don't want you to be influenced by anything he might say. I want you to decide, after this thinking, if you want children or not. Once you have that decision, you should discuss this with your SO and make future plans, whatever they might be, and they might be you separating from your SO. You are still very young and have a tremendous amount of opportunities ahead of you should you wish to take them. And honestly, if you were 40, my advice might be different, but you have many years available to you for childbearing but also many years knowing you can have a child, perhaps yearning for a child, but your SO does not want one.

In my opinion, there are deal-makers and deal-breakers in a relationship. A deal-breaker is abuse for me. A deal-maker is having similar future goals, especially in the big important life-changing areas, such as having children. You might be different than me, that's okay, but at least spend some time thinking about it all on your own.

Onefootout's picture

If you have to ask the question, then you might regret not having kids. I regret it and it's too late for me, pretty much. You are young. Find a man without kids and start your own family together. You have many good childbearing years left.

hereiam's picture

If you have always wanted kids, chances are you are going to regret that you didn't.

I never wanted kids so I was thrilled that my husband didn't want any more. We wouldn't be together if he had wanted more because I don't believe that is something a person should compromise on.

christinen's picture

I would not want to be a SM if I couldn't have my own kids. When I married DH, we had agreed to have our own children (I don't have any bios). We have been ttc for a year with no success & honestly I think every day about whether or not I will be able to stay with DH if I can't get pregnant. I don't want to have someone else's kid around all the time & not be able to have my own. I know I would only be bitter and resentful and that isn't fair to anyone. If you have always wanted kids, you will definitely regret not having them.

Rags's picture

Only if you choose to. I am a husband and a father but I have no biospawn. I do not regret it in the least. My wife had SS when she was very young and we made education, career and raising SS-21 our focus in the early years of our marriage. SS was 15mos old when we met and we married a week before he turned 2yo.

When Dw arrived in her mid 30s she decided it was time for another kid or two. I agreed but insisted that we speak to her Gyno. That put the skids on having any more kids. DW nearly died during her first pregnancy due to toxemia/preeclampsia. She had struggled with clots in her legs while on birth control and the doc said the raging hormones of pregnancy would be that much worse than the pill and that there was no way we should risk another pregnancy. My DW struggled with that for a few years but I have never had any regrets.

She is mostly past the regrets stage but will occasionally drop a "we should have had more children when we first married" or an "our babies would have been beautiful". I always respond with "our baby was beautiful and now his is a handsome 6'1" young man". I no longer point out that I would never risk her health and life to have a child of my own though that fact remains.

I am a dad. My bride gave me that honor when she agreed to marry me. In my case biology does not make a parent. Action makes a parent. My situation is notably easier than that of many SParents. My son was young when his mom and I married, my bride and I were a team in life and equity parents to the Skid (as we would have been to any BKs we might have had), and I raised SS-21 as my own.

If having a bio-kid is a show stopper for you then you should move on to find a husband to have a child with. The choice is yours. Stay and enjoy your love and your life with him or move on to a new love and start a family entirely your own.

Choose to be happy either way.

lilbitofeverything's picture

Did he know when he married you that you wanted and expected kids of your own? If so, he made a major breech in your marital contract when he decided "no more kids" unilaterally.

If you really want kids, you WILL NOT be ok never having them. You will resent the hell out of your husband for giving children to another woman but refusing to give them to you, his wife.

Make no mistake...a drive to be a mother is paralled by few others. It won't go away. Once it is too late, it's too late. Do not wait too long to decide.

HappilySelfish679's picture

2 skids no Bio kids here, never wanted kids , never wanted skids either lol

whatamess's picture

Yes, you will regret it. I married a man with 3 kids thinking being a part of their family would fulfill my "family" need. Fast forward 6 years and the bitchy SD has decided she wants nothing to do with me...and I her. She controls the other 2 and now I'm alone. My DH is my only family and his attention is divided. I'm miserable and wishing I hadn't done this. Please don't do this to yourself. NO man is worth sacrificing what you want in your heart.

Smokey_Bear's picture

I'm in a similar boat hun. 27, with DH of 37, he has 3kids of 10, 15 and 17. He had a vasectomy, and is willing to go through procedures to enable us to have a kid together, but I'm going through the 'I'm pretty sure I want that' to 'but we could be traveling a lot sooner if we don't' to the 'how does anyone raise a kid the way they want omg they cannot turn out like Skids...'

Rags's picture

My bride of 20 years and I are loving every minute of our globe trotting empty nester status and years. The Skid is doing great, he is self supporting, and we can do what we want, when we want, however we want.

No regrets at all not having any more spawn. The kid is mine in all ways but biology and not having Bio-Spawn is not a big deal for me.

Esmerelda's picture

I've struggled with it for a really long time. Some people do the whole "I'm not going to let horrible SKs dictate the choices in my life" and go and have a kid anyway and its all very hard. Some people decide that SKs have put them off ever wanting to bring children into the world. I struggled with the idea of giving up impending freedom as it is slowly getting closer for us as SS is 19 and and SD 16 get older (they live with us full time). SKs have never been "substitute kids" for me, they've never felt like mine and I don't even have a relationship with them like I have with my nieces, which is what I thought it would end up being. I struggled to justify the idea of a biokid when DH44 feels his evolutionary job is done but doesn't want to stop me from having kids should I want them. I just never knew. I never thought I wouldn't have kids, but I've never been the mothery-type. As I get older (31), I'm better with other people's children and the practical side of things that is crucial to running a busy household kicks in. If I accidentally got pregnant, I would just deal with it and do it well.

My biggest concern is that I'll be left old and grey and alone one day. And I think that's highly likely and that I'll try to fill my life up with things but what I really hold dear is family. So I think I might take the plunge. DH has said that he would like me not to be old and grey and alone, so we might embark on the craziness of kids, despite that amount his kids drive us up the wall.

Lovechickens's picture

I agree with above comments. You're young yet. Find someone who's wants kids with you. Yes I do regret not having my own bio kids. My dh sides with his kids. I feel like I don't belong, and am an outsider. There's nothing worse.

dawnibellini's picture

I was married for 22 years and tried to have my own children but it wasn't in the cards. I was lucky that time around as my SD ' S are now grown women who are independent and have their own minds and lives. We definitely did that right!
Enter the 7th ring of hell..( almost) 5 years ago.. i started dating dh and ..
I'm not so lucky.
Ss14 and Ss8.. lunatic, compulsive lying ex wife and dh with poor boundaries with his ex wife.
at 46 years old, I do not regret not being a bm. I refuse to be put into the petty one upsmanship that dh ex NEEDS.. comments like " I'm Bm I TRUMP everyone" there is freedom in knowing that your life can be your own. With SD's grown, I could choose any life I want when I want. I no longer take to heart comments from insecure , threatened people like his ex to heart.
She wants to be super mom .. ok. . She's made it clear through actions words and now Ss' s attitudes that she's the " mom". (Was there e error any question? ). And I Try To Have fun with them.. which is also a " threat" to this nut case.
my response is... " my girls are grown. Been there done that.. and they are healthy women. "
Now I'm GLAD I don't have biokids!
( I had full custody of now grown SD). If the subject of having my own bio kids came up up 15 years ago.. i wouldn't have said I was glad.. but i do now!
In every sense my SD were my own..
these two Ss are possible deal breakers. His relationship with his ex is too.. at 46.. I can honestly say freedom from none of your own and having the good experience I did. . Helps really know a very bad one when I see it.
if this guy doesn't want kids with you and you always wanted kids.. it will be a deal breaker and possibly a bitter resentment later. I had support in having my own the first time. It makes not having. Even able acceptable and even now preferred! If he denied me that. I wouldn't feel like I do now.
Current dh doesn't realize that after 22 years. . This situation is easier to accept as unhealthy and with one foot out the door for me.. the world is not scary to me anymore.
Don't choose at 26. You may change your mind at 31.. 35.. and he's selfish for not being open to it. Your not baby mamma to his kids only! You are about to enter one of the most thankless jobs ever in step parenting. It's easy to love your own.. harder to love someone elses.
At 26 the world is before you Smile

Ruby55's picture

I thought we'd have kids but when my husband became ill I knew it wasn't the right choice for us. And truthfully although I always thought I'd be a mom, I didn't have a burning desire to have children, so I don't feel regretful of my choice most of the time. I embraced his two children with open arms but now that things have gone bad and they are both creatures from hell, anytime I have a feeling of regret I just look at his to spawn and feel very grateful that I don't. I feel like there must something bad in the bloodline somewhere, LOL but seriously, if you think you want children don't ever let someone take that away from you, you'll regret it

is it just me...'s picture

Sad, but I worry if I have my own kids they might be similar to SS and then I wouldn't love them as I should. I think DH hesitates to have kids again because he doesn't want a copy of his BS. If DH really liked his son he wouldn't be so horrified of having another.

Esmerelda's picture

I'm worried that the kids I might have might be like SS and SD. However, I can see that their traits that annoy me the most are from their mother's side. DH (knowing he is definitely the bio dad) sometimes jokes that there seems to be very little of him in them sometimes. I have hope that the bio child that I'm now trying for (that I spent YEARS debating) will be better, because they'll have me in them and none of the BM! DH wasn't warm to the idea of more kids because he felt he'd done his biological duty, and in a way he has, but he won't stop me from having my own and he'll be a better dad second time around because we're completely on the same page about raising kids (unlike him and the BM).

lisamarie73's picture

I'm 41, my bf has 3 kids of his own. Never ever for one day have I regretted not having kids. I'm free to do I want. We only live once and there's nothing wrong with living this life for you. My bf is the only man I would've had kids with too, and he also decided he didn't want anymore. Unless you feel, deep in your heart and soul that you were put here to be a mother, you won't regret it. I'm very happy!!

jennaspace's picture

Two things to consider.. generally skids will likely never feel like bio kids. A biological connection is just different and wonderful. I think it would be a great loss to give this up for a guy. The trouble is, you can't know the incredible connection you'll have with your own child until you have one. I really think it will trump whatever feelings you have towards your BF.

You are young, but in a few years your options will dramatically decrease for finding a normal guy without kids. I'd say move on sooner rather than later.

I know this seems like a million years away, but I work with the elderly and have seen first hand the difference between those with kids and without. I suspect people don't take into consideration their senior years much when making this decision, but they're as real as the time you are living in now. Since men generally die before women, you are likely to live another 14 years longer than your BF (being 7 yrs younger). It may not seem like a big deal now, but when the world closes in and it's your family that matters most, having children makes a huge difference in quality of life.

In order to make an educated decision, I believe it's vital to count the cost of childlessness in the senior years as much as any other. Probably more so, because I believe these are the years when it is by far the most burdensome.

KayOh89's picture

Hun, if you know in your heart that you want children, no amount of love from your SO or skids will make that want go away. IMO This is most definitely a non-negotiable when starting a relationship with a man who already has kids. Once I found out SO had a kid, first thing I asked was if he wanted to have more? His answer thank god was, "of course!" And he explained how he wants to have his next child in a loving, stable relationship, and not blind sided with a baby used as a tool for BM to sink her claws in and keep him stuck.(SS6 was born this way. BM purposely stopped taking BC for 3 months in order to get pregnant.) As a previous poster said, running around after his kids will not fulfill your desire for children, but instead be rubbing salt in the wound permanently. It's a long the same lines of trying to fill the void of wanting BKs by becoming a teacher. These kids may grow to be fond of you, but 9 times out of 10 their loyalty will always lay with BM. Although I do not have my own BKs, it doesn't take a BM to figure out that a bio bond can NEVER compare to a bond with someone else's kids that you have zero blood relation to. If there's no sign of SO budging on this, I think you know what you need to do. Best of luck!