What is my place as a SM?
My soon to be SS is currently acting out (has been) and his BF & BM have got one opinion from a Doctor of ADHD. I believe it to more than that based on research i have done. What is my place here do i continue to urge them to get a second opinion or just sit back and deal with it. I feel like i am putting more into it than they are?
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Thank you, i feel like I
Thank you, i feel like I always frustrated with how his BF (my fiance) does things. I always tell him my feelings that when we have our child things are going to be different. How do you not let it get to you, i get so frustrated with BF and BM it literally ruins my days. They both slack on the important things and the BF & BM fight like crazy and then im the one he vents too.
Wow! that absolutely sums
Wow! that absolutely sums everything up, i'm literally reading this with tears in my eyes, I AM over exhausted, trying to handle things that i truly just cant, and your experience and the way you handle everything is envious. I thank you so much for your insight it was a true eye opener. I actually freaked out yesterday on SS about homework ( that i was helping with and BF was not) and BF got mad at ME. What do you say when he asks for your opinions? what is the nice way to ween yourself out of the medical, education stuff. Do you say that's between you and BM? I was worried that raising my own child (some day) in a house with SS it would be impossible to do so with different views. Do you find it puts a strain on your relationship? How do you keep your cool out in public or at Your side of the family events when SS is miserable or mean or nasty? Do you let it stress you out, find your self having to explain? or just leave it to your DH?
My Bio i am 30 never married no kids of my own, never thought id be in a relationship to a man with an ex wife and a son. I will be getting married next year. I've been helping him raise his son since he was 3 and now he is 8. I want kids of my own was in fear of it in the sense of how SS is raised but you changed my views on that tremendously thank you!
^^ This is what I strive to
I almost want to change my poster name to "RipleyV2 II" so I can "Be Like Ripley" (just like the "Be Like Mike" Gatorade commercials from *cough* a few years ago *cough.* God I'm old)
You should start a support
You should start a support group, your good at this, like extremely good! You give step parents hope. You've been there done that! Seriously consider it or write a book! i'm not kidding!
I like the No, yelling, no violence just direct action. I will definitely start to apply that.
I always feel bad when i leave the two of them alone to go out with friend or in room to read a book but your right, i need ME time. and they just a much need one on one time together. I will definitely make sure i always make enough time for myself. I will look into getting Step monster, it will help me and help BF understand what i am feeling as well. I really do appreciate all the time you have put into this conversation. THANK YOU!
"I'm calm, but when I say a
"I'm calm, but when I say a rule I mean it. No yelling, not violence. Just direct. action. now. So in time, their behavior was ALWAYS good when I was around."
^^^And that's how it's done Ripley! Bravo!
Does your DH ever get annoyed
Does your DH ever get annoyed by this. I am very much the same way and DH will sometimes say "my kids are better behaved for you than me" well, that is true, the same way they are better behaved at school. I am just consistent where DH tends to punish according to his level of annoyance that day so naturally they test the waters.
If skids wanted to go to the grocery store with me I really wouldn't have an issue, unless my DH was going too lol. (I have wised up and grocery shop on non-skid days to make sure it's a non-issue)
DH does that all the time, i
DH does that all the time, i tell him you cant give him so many chances that's why he acts that way he knows there are no consequences pretty much that "dad" is all talk and no action. then when DH does blow up he freaks out. DH is very defensive, when i try to point things out he get a "tude" and says hes only with us 3 1/2 days a week i don't want him grounded the entire time... i'm like well there's your issue. DH has been getting restless with me i think, I'm resenting SS and apparently it shows. Example, holidays christmas, birthday, easter give him gifts NO EXCITMENT AT ALL, i got the easter basket together this year, put some sports shirts in there, BF was like dont be upset if he doesnt like them. My response: "Im used to it" BF freaked was like that was just mean! So he is very defensive recently about everything, so how do i mask my negative emotions
Thank you i have about an
Thank you i have about an hour left of work i'll do that now! You are so insightful, a blessing in disguise thank you!
hmmm that's interesting, its
hmmm that's interesting, its horrible to say i feel like SS is a lost cause he is disciplined and his tv and video game time is monitored with us, when hes with BM he has all the consoles in his room, computer, and Tv so he spends the entire day in there, he is the boss at her house so as long as she continues that life style whatever we do at our household isn't going to add up. Frustrating. Thank you for the advice everyone. very helpful
Ripley is right. You exhaust
Ripley is right. You exhaust yourself until you break. Then you come here, get reassured that you did your best and let it go. It's all you can really do.
YOU don't get to decide on medication
YOU don't get to decide on doctors
YOU don't get to talk to teachers
YOU don't get to enforce anything that the bio parents didn't give the OK for
YOU don't have any rights
On the flip side:
YOU didn't choose to have this child
YOU aren't the one failing him
YOU have done all that you are allowed
It is a really shitty place to be. I am sorry you or anyone else has to go through it.
I started out that way too.
I started out that way too. It wasn't BM that I fought all the way with, it was AHH. BM was supportive that her child was actually being parented. It got to be too much to constantly battle my own husband. I quit caring. Both of them can rot together.
I talked to teachers,
I talked to teachers, principals and therapy appts with BF and BM. She actually wants me there, i feel like they want me to ask all the questions they don't. I want to disengage myself from the school aspect and the medical aspect i feel I am putting so much effort forth that its going no where with BF or BM. I can only give so much advice then i'm pissed that neither of them take it, or act on it. BM has tried to be my friend, get me close i don't get it. I think its weird. She is manipulative.
I feel like i always played the mommy role that if I don't make sure homework is done or showering or brushing teeth or making lunches BF will forget or something. I feel like i jumped in with two feet right away when i should have tested the waters of my position first. How has your disengaging affected your relationship with DH? is he like what happened why all the sudden?
I do find myself overly
I do find myself overly exhausted, overwhelmed and stressed. I find myself bringing it to work with me and out with friends. I need to learn to detach myself from things that i cannot not control. Thank you for the insight
I feel like if i try to
I feel like if i try to disengage now, BF will be weary asking whats wrong, why are you being distant, whats the right response. I feel like this almost destroyed our relationship last week. It was bad. He got kicked outta school (SS
and i carry all the weight on my shoulders. I dread bring SS to my side of the family affairs, get myself so stressed about how will be behave how do i react when a jerk, etc.
No i did not tell DH this, I
No i did not tell DH this, I never thought to talk about it that way, what a great approach. I will sit down with Wednesday night and have this conversation when SS goes to his BM for a few days. I'll will definitely keep you posted with how it all goes. Thank you so much!
I guess my main question now
I guess my main question now is how do you disengage without causing BF or SS to feel unloved from you (me). How do i explain my disengagement to BF in a way that wont hurt his feelings or make he feel like i'm quitting or giving up.