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OT: When an apology is not an apology

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:13pm

This is not about SD21 because I am now 100% disengaged with her.

This is just about DH, who I more and more think was the source of our problems.

So, DH is a hypocrite. He likes to pull all this passive/aggressive crap and I'm just supposed to take it and smile but when I call him on it, I'm a bit#h. Make sense?

So the other night he decides to "point something out" he thinks proves him right, only he's wrong. So we argue about it, he gets pissed. Whatever. A few minutes later I ask him about the location of something he used last and put back NOT where it normally goes. I was not accusing, simply asked if he knew where it was, and he blew up at me. Yelling, pouting, the whole thing.

That night we come home, he's acting like a jerk. Rampaging through the house, throwing things (TV remote, our daughter's carefully constructed blanket fort, my toiletries in the bathroom, my shoes sitting right outside my closet).

So of course we haven't been talking because I'm tired of the temper tantrums and the passive/aggressive crap. If I confronted him about throwing my toiletries (which were next to MY sink, in the corner, nowhere near where he even normally goes, so he had to go out of his way to get to them and scatter them around), he would deny it.

He finally asks me yesterday how he can end this fight. I simply ask him what he would do if it was a coworker he yelled at. In other words, an apology, acknowledging what you did wrong, would go a long way.

Here is the "apology" I got a full day later, via text no less:
"I'm sorry I yelled at you because you made me mad."

Now, is that even an apology. I'm sorry I did something to you because you made me?!

I emailed back saying I didn't understand, and he hasn't answered.

Jerk.

Comments

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:19pm

"I'm sorry I yelled at you because you made me mad."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WOW!

How old are some of these stupid husbands? They sound like tweens.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:20pm

This is just about DH, who I more and more think was the source of our problems.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And PS...95% of the issues on this board are because of the DH's

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:22pm

I know, I look back now on all the problems we had (SD, DH and I) and in the moment I know I was mad at SD (and DH, but SD more), and I think, "You know, at least SD had the excuse of being a child without a fully formed brain and lacking proper reasoning skills. DH was just an adult jerk with a chip on his shoulder and an inability to parent rationally." Grrr.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 4:41pm

Makes me rethink that idea to not live together before marriage. Because, of course, he didn't act like this before we married, but then if I made him mad or we argued I could just go home and I guess he had to take his anger out on his own belongings?

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:28pm

Exactly! I did one time lose my temper and throw something. It was something I was handing to DH, and he was making me mad and I threw it on the floor at his feet and said something like, "Here, take it." Because he wouldn't hold out his hand and take it, he wanted to stand there and argue with me instead and I just wanted the argument to be over (it was in front of our kids). So I definitely acted badly, and I called him up not very long after it happened (certainly the same day) and said I was sorry I threw the thing, that was childish of me and wrong and I apologized. He accepted my apology. Nowhere in there did I say, "I'm sorry I threw the thing on the floor because you made me mad."

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:51pm

I once got into huge trouble with my mother when I was a kid for this apology to my younger sister:

Mom: Apologize to your sister for being such a brat!
Shaman to sister: I'm sorry you're such a brat.
Mom: Shaman! Dammit! You're grounded!

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:24pm

reminds of when someone on a public forum with very few posters took a shot at me about having a miscarriage. even her own friends were pissed off about it and told her she needed to apologize. she apologized TO THEM for doing something that made HER look bad. she never apologized to me or for what she actually did. some people cannot ever be wrong. I call those people weak.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:47pm

it was typical out of her. she had it out for me. I have no idea why. I left that board, and even after a few months, she was still posting about what a horrible person I am for not adoring sd. never mind what sd did to me, I was just awful to not love her. but it was ok that she thought it was "karma" when her skids mom got breast cancer and for some reason she never disclosed, her skids won't even speak to her.

Logisticly Speaking's picture

Submitted by Logisticly Speaking on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:27pm

It's a very back handed apology. One of those "i'm sorry you feel that way", which really isn't an apology at all.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:42pm

It's not an apology when they say "I apologize IF" or when they blame you for their actions.

A truly sorry person apologizes for what they did and their bad judgement in doing it. They also endeavor not to do it again.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 2:52pm

Not an apology. Not at all.

And yes I think most issues with the skids are really results of the parents.

I always think if DH had stepped up, if DH had talked about, if DH had required, if DH had encouraged....... things would be a lot better.....

And I see it because I do all those things with my BS and DH and I see that they have a good relationship. I step up, I talk about the issues, I make solutions, I come to resolutions, I discuss problems.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 3:00pm

OSD once told me if I could forgive her for calling me a bitch and posting nasty stuff about me on FB THEN she would forgive me for being mean to her DADDDDYYYY.

I said "Sorry I dont have to ask forgiveness from my husband's daughter for how I treated him during a fight between him and I, that you inserted your nosey ass in."

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Fri, 04/18/2014 - 7:07am

LOL DH once told me I needed to apologize to his girls (19, 16, 13 at the time) I told him to FUCK OFF.

It was the big fathers day fight 2 years ago and HIM AND I were aguring and his girls were getting involved in it. Sending me nasty texts and posting crap on FB.

We broke up for a bit and when we were trying to work things out he said "You need to apologize to my girls."

Apologize for what? I didnt say one god damned word to them. I didnt even see nor speak to them that whole day.

Yeah he pretty much knew that day I would not roll over and take crap from him and his kids. He tries to push and sometimes I think he forgets but then I just remind him.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 4:40pm

See, and the one thing I know makes him really mad is when I tell him he's acting like a child, but HE DOES! A child would go throw things belonging to the person they are mad at. By the time you are a grown adult, you should have enough self-control and reasoning abilities to determine that is not a wise move. Evidently not DH.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 4:43pm

I broke him?! He just called me and asked "You didn't like my texts?" And I was like, "That wasn't an apology." And he said "Yes it was, I said I'm sorry." So of course I had to explain why it was NOT an apology, so then he did apologize (without the qualifier). Men!

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Thu, 04/17/2014 - 6:08pm

Your DH sounds like our BM... never accepts responsibility, acts out in passive aggressive ways, is selfish, childish and immature, blames the partner all the time for everything under the sun. To him admitting he did something wrong and you were right all along must feel like an ego-annihilating experience. He cannot say, "I am sorry, it was my fault", he says, "I am sorry but it was your fault anyway! See what the horrible you made the wonderful me do!"

Long term this kind of person is pretty hard to live with.