What to Do with SS15?
We're at the end of our rope with the lying, sneaking, and just general dishonesty and disrespect.
As a consequence for stealing from the lunch line at school, SS15 has been banned (while with us anyway) from buying his lunch at school. If he can't be trusted to go through the lunch line due to Sticky Fingers Syndrome, we'll remove the temptation. So anyway, this past week when he was with us he packed a lunch every day. We got a letter from the school yesterday stating that his lunch account is in the red, which it should not have been at that point. Our schools have a wonderful online feature where you can see everything your kid has purchased from the cafeteria. Lo and behold, SS15 BOUGHT LUNCH three of the five days he packed a lunch last week. With lunch, he also purchased several cookies or pastries or snack bars.
We don't know if he threw away the bag lunch, or if he ate both. He probably ate both. Either way, what he did was yet another example of his ingrained dishonesty. He knows we can (and do) check the online system as he's had issues in the past with buying 3-4 snacks with every lunch. (SS was a very overweight child, and still tends to go toward the heavy side when not monitored.) So did he not think about this, or did he just not care? We don't know. Probably both.
We just don't know what to do anymore. We've tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Every consuquence that can be given, we've tried. We think BM's influence is just too strong in him, and he is who he's going to be: a liar and a sneak.
We already know what he's going to say: "I was still hungry." Or "I was buying it for a friend." Or, our favorite, "Food provides me comfort and reassurance." Uh-huh. Cuz those are words that would come out of the mouth of a 15-year-old with below-average intelligence and zero insight. In his lunches, he was packing two sandwiches, two pieces of fruit, a bag of chips or crackers, a snack and a drink. Shouldn't that be enough for lunch?
Anyway, it's the lying that's the problem. I mean, if he was truly still hungry, why not just tell us? It's not like we've ever denied him food; we've just tried to limit the crap.
I know a lot of us are dealing with chronic liars. Any ideas what we can do when nothing has worked?
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Comments
Wow that's a tough situation.
Wow that's a tough situation. Does he live with your permanently?
Unfortunately, he's with his
Unfortunately, he's with his Borderline chronic liar of an egg donor 50% of the time.
Yep, it's all our fault he
Yep, it's all our fault he lies and sneaks. He "can't live up to our standards." Boo hoo!
Exactly. We refuse to lower
Exactly. We refuse to lower our standards to fit his expectations (and BM's.) We need to at least TRY to get him to rise above the dumbassery. We need to be able to say we did our best.
I have always had very high expectations for BS17. Know what he learned as he grew up? To try his best. He'll be graduating HS this June with high honors, and he's been accepted at every college he applied to. I didn't lower my expectations to make his life simple.
And the expectations we have for SS15 are FAR lower than what I've always had for BS17.
I think we will just have to
I think we will just have to close the lunch account. BM pays when he's with her, but she only ever puts in enough to cover her weeks (if that). The school will give him a PB and J and a milk if he can't pay, but he won't be able to buy the snacks.
It is tough when BM is telling him he doesn't have to listen to us or follow our house rules. Can't win.
nvm...
nvm...
LOL! no no no, she can't
LOL! }:) no no no, she can't croak till Faux's adoption is final!!
Yes, she does undermine everything we do. SS doesn't give a crap because as soon as he's back over there, all rules go out the window and it's a free for all. But we aren't going to get rid of our rules and standards just to compete. We want to be able to say we tried everything. When SS15 is a complete loser as an adult, it won't be on us!
So... putting on my behavior
So... putting on my behavior therapist's hat from years ago... what function does his lying and stealing serve? He gains access to food, which, as he very clearly articulates, gives him comfort. When you say his IQ is below average, do you know what it is? Is it a true intellectual disability? You may want to find a therapist who specializes in those issues.
Or I would get his guidance counselor or health teacher on board, and try to help him find a replacement behavior that will also provide comfort and reassuarance while presenting a healthier option. Too bad walking on the treadmill will likely not be it... but could listening to music be it? Helping out in the athletics office? Attending a lunch bunch club? My kids' high school has a day care center where teens help out with tots...
To get rid of an offending behavior try to find a more apppropriate behavior. He will still need to eat... but it could stop being his recreational activity if a better alternative presents itself. That will have to happen at the same time, and is incompatible with eating.
I know - singing!!!
His IQ is normal;when I say
His IQ is normal;when I say he's below average intelligence, I mean his grades are way below par because he doesn't try, and he doesn't utilize any common sense whatsoever. He has no learning disabilities, and he's been tested for everything. His only diagnosis is I Don't Give a Crap Syndrome. }:)
The whole "food giving him comfort" line is something he's parroted from BM. She used to use this one allllllll the time when she and DH were married, and SS15 has learned that it gets him lots of attention and sympathy from her.
The function of his behavior is to passive-aggressively show us that we can't tell him what to do. He engages in this behavior every time he's with us, the last three or four days before he goes back to BM's/ Always has. Whether it's stealing, doing what he isn't supposed to do at school, taking his phone to school, leaving messes all over his bedroom, it's his way of telling us, "Eff you guys. I'm going back to Mom's so I don't care what you say. She'll let me do whatever, and give me sympathy for having to spend half my time with you jerks who expect me to follow household rules."
It's that simple, really. He's always been this way, but it's getting worse as he gets older and as BM ramps up the PAS.
And dear God, NO, we do not want him singing!!
Make the punishment hurt more
Make the punishment hurt more then the gratification he gets from the snacks. Take away everything he loves, xbox, cell phone, free time, whatever.
All of that is already gone.
All of that is already gone. He doesn't care.
When SS was doing that a few
When SS was doing that a few years back, his dad made him earn back the money that wasn't in the budge to spend in the first place. A deal was made later that SS could ask in advance if he could earn extra lunch money but if it was discovered otherwise, then he would have added jobs getting the same pay out of it. It did the trick and SS quit lying and sneaking with his lunch money.
That's what I was wondering
That's what I was wondering too
He doesn't seem to have
He doesn't seem to have feelings about it one way or the other. He knows their SF is his brother's real father, we've talked about it, and he gets it. It's been made very clear that Dh will NOT give up custody of SS15, and if BM petitions for full custody, he is prepared to fight. I think PAS is a huge part of it, and the completely opposite parenting styles of DH and BM. I think SS merely waits out his time at our house until he can go back to BM's Fun Free For All.