I don't know what to do.
I have a stepson 9 years old. He lives with his mother in Pennsylvania. He comes for a months sometimes more in the summer. I have been married to his dad 3 years in August. When his dad and I got together and my stepson came a few months after everything was okay we had a few issues because my ss is rather picky about food and such but nothing out of the normal and I believe it is because I did not live with him that summer. Now my Husband and I got married and soon after my ss came to spend Christmas with us, i was also pregnant with my 2nd child I have a now 5 yr ol boy. When my ss came for xmas it was difficult, he was lying, crying for things which is normal for him, he would not let me son use his toys unless we made him yet he would use my sons toys... Then the next summer came and it was even worse! The baby was here he was just a month old he was a preemie. He was lying, hurting himself not in a big way but he would scratch himself and lie about it. He scratched my son because my son didn't want the blankets on the floor and then tried to tell me that he didn't scratch my son it was the bed. Since my son at the time had many speech problems he thought he would get away with it.He didn't bring any toys that summer because he didn't want to share with my son...He said he was jealous because his dad had to spend time with the baby and all things that are normal when a new baby comes but not to his xtreme... After he went home about a month later we had cps knocking in our door because my husband had "hurt him" and such which was in no way true... Yes the case was dismissed but I am just very anxious about his coming. Every time he has come it has been with a worse attitude. My husband and I argue because my ss gets to do whatever he wants when with his mom but here I cannot allow him to do that, we do have other children that have to follow certain rules. My husband tries but he always lets him get away with certain things and when I get mad he says his only here for a month... I mean I just can't do that I have to look out for all of the kids not just let 1 do anything and the rest have to follow rules.... I feel horrible that I feel so negative about his coming soon but I am just concerned, and just simply wish he didn't have to come... I don't know what to do... I am the one that has to spend the most time with my ss and the kids when he is here and I just don't know how to feel... What can I do?
Your husband is the problem.
Your husband is the problem.
He needs to realize that HE is the parent of his older child. HIS son needs parenting, discipline and perhaps therapy. You can no longer play "mom" to him.
Protect you and yours at all costs. Tell your husband that he MUST parent his son and if he is unwilling to do so, you will do it for him. If SS and BM call CPS on you for doing so, oh well. If your husband won't parent and doesn't want you to parent SS for fear of BM or "losing" his son, tell him SS's behavior shows he is almost already lost. SS will have to stay with BM or he can exercise his "visitation" outside your home.
That is good advise but it
That is good advise but it does scare me. I mean don't get me wrong when he does something wrong my husband disciplines him but we end up arguing about other things because he keeps saying oh his only here for a month I want him to enjoy himself. And that's fine but he also needs to behave. And it scares me because what if I tell him what you said and he decides to leave? And sometimes I feel so stressed about this and on top of that my side of the family see's and feels as I do. I don't know... I do care about my ss but it is tough.... I don't want to loose my marriage over a 9 yr old boy...
"he's only here for a month
"he's only here for a month and I want him to enjoy himself"
THAT is the OLDEST excuse in the Guilty Daddy handbook! (along with many others)
We've heard them all:
"He/she is JUST A KID!!"
"Kids will be kids"
"You're the adult here!"
"I don't want to make waves with the BM"
"But he/she won't want to come over anymore"
"I want MY kid to relax and feel at home"
He has said a few of those to
He has said a few of those to me... lol But what do I do? I mean what if in a few years my ss wants to move here? or what if he stays all summer? I mean I just can't handle the anxiety and stress of all this. Plus my husband is not easy, and like I said before anytime I want to speak with him about my ss it ends up in an argument and I am so tired of that? And I just can't sit around and watch like nothing is happening.
Personally, I think a better
Personally, I think a better relationship would come from father/son Skyping regularly throughout the year. What good is it going to do the kid to spend all day w/ his stepmom while Dad works? It makes no sense. Logically, there is no benefit to the visitation plan. I mean, if Dad were a teacher or something where he was off for the summer, it would be one thing. But Dads who work and depend on a wife or child care to watch the kid, it just makes no sense and it's stressful for everyone. Your dh isn't going to budge. Just be glad it's only for a month, and talk to him about setting up something different.
I agree with you but any time
I agree with you but any time I want to speak about my ss we end up in argument unless i am saying that i miss him or something. My husband calls him and tries to skype with him but its hard because of my husbands ex and my stepson... How can I bring it up without arguing with him. I mean my stepson and I have a good relationship and he wants to come here in summer but he is going to be either with me or now in daycare since I started working 1/2 A DAY SHIFT 9-12
You won't be able to avoid
You won't be able to avoid conflict. If your DH is unwilling to calmly discuss the situation, takes IMMEDIATE offense, goes on the defense/attack and accuses you of "not liking his kid" then you have a guilty daddy on your hands. Parenting by guilt NEVER works.
You can play along and risk your own bio's safety, eventually becoming more and more of a doormat (like I did for several years). This will cause you to seeth with resentment which is unhealthy.
You must start to put your foot down--it's not pretty. It was a four year battle for me (in 10.5 yrs) eventually all three PASed out which is not the goal here. But biodad REFUSEd to listen to my advice and stand up to the BM.
How do I help someone blinded
How do I help someone blinded by guilt see this? How can I help him see? The last think I want is for him to feel like I don't like my ss which is not true but it is so hard!!!! I mean I don't know how to talk to him about this. And I have already started feeling resentment... I mean just thinking about my ss coming makes me feel all type of negative ways....
I think most of us on here
I think most of us on here are afraid of our OH's rejecting us over their skid, but that is the price we pay for giving them the power to make us feel this way.
Do NOT spend one on one time
Do NOT spend one on one time with this kid at all! His visitation should be with his PARENT, and if that parent is using you as a babysitter, that needs to stop. Given the situation, allegations, etc., your DH needs to find childcare, day camps, or a relative to watch SS when he visits. You are not and cannot be a nanny to this kid, as it puts other children's safety at risk, and puts you at risk legally.
In addition to the above, your DH needs counseling, books, or both to teach him how to PARENT (the verb) a difficult child whom he sees infrequently. It can be done!
I am so, so sorry about the abuse allegations. Been there, lived thru it...two years, though, and I'm still not recovered from it. My DH has been patient and supportive and I still struggle. Baby steps. That's the only advice I have for you on that issue.
We went to marriage
We went to marriage counseling after my stepsons last visit that how bad it got and still he would angry. he wont take advice, will NOT got to counseling, anything... UGH! SO frustrating.
Then I guess he'd rather pay
Then I guess he'd rather pay child support to you. Your husband is using you and burying his head in the sand. When this kid is in his teens it will be that much worse. What if his kid seriously injures you or your children? Odds are DH (dick head) will just excuse the behavior. YOU must come first as his partner and NOT SS. Get the book "Stepmonster" and read thoroughly.
Can you move in with
Can you move in with Mom/sister for that month?
Can you insist the boy be put in day care so he enjoys his vacation?
Can you insist that Daddy take his vacation away from home and take the kid giving you at least a week or two of relief? A inexpensive vacation is to go camping at a national or state park and stays of two weeks are not unusual.
Can you hire a babysitter to watch the kid while you take your kids to the park?
I understand the distances involved hence the long stays but can you insist that you no longer will be the babysitter? After all the point of visiting Daddy is not to be babysat but to spend time with Daddy. Insist that either Daddy watch, teach and parent the kid because you're not going to.
After CPS came I did NOT want
After CPS came I did NOT want to take care if him anymore. I am not comfortable with it. But my hubby got really pissed, and we got into a couple of BIG fights because of it... After a while I once again gave in. So when he is here and I get off of work at 12 I work 9am to 12pm I will be picking him up with my kids as well..
What happens next when SS
What happens next when SS accuses you of sexually abusing him--ask yourself: who would your hubby believe--you or his kid?
In my case, biodad saw with his OWN EYES that his kids are liars (phoney CPS report to please BM) yet continued to believe his brats over me.
dup
dup
My stepson WANTS to come here
My stepson WANTS to come here in summer. And my hubby wants him here as well. So I don't know how or if that would happen. And I don't want to see my hubby hurting either.
I don't think the love you
I don't think the love you have for your hubby is reciprocal. Any love for you he has is CONDITIONAL based on whether or not you provide free childcare for his son.
He talks with his mom
He talks with his mom everyday while he is here. But it doesn't help.
I can't stand the argument
I can't stand the argument that "they are just here for X amount of time, let them enjoy themselves." My DH has said that, too. So if I send them to their friend's house, or aunt & uncle's, or grandparents, would you tell them to just let them do whatever, because they are only there for the day or the weekend? No, of course not. And it's just as wrong to let them get away with everything when they are at Dad's. If you wouldn't expect other people to put up with whatever your kid throws at them, then don't expect me to do it either. Of course, these are the very parents in denial about their little angels doing any wrong....
Send him to summer camp or
Send him to summer camp or something & have DH drop him off & pick him up.
You do what you want for your ss. Not what your DH tells you to. & if you aren't comfortable, you need to put your foot down.
I'm SO sorry if this comes
I'm SO sorry if this comes off bitchy, but... what CAN you do? You've gotten some good suggestions here (take a vacation with your bios, tell DH you won't babysit, enroll SS in camp or daycare) and your answer is that makes DH mad so you won't do it. The only thing (apparently) that WON'T make DH mad is if you do what he wants and just suck it up. So where does that leave you? What are you looking for? There isn't another alternative. Piss DH off and stand up for yourself, or allow DH to bully you into doing what he wants and watch his kid. It really is that clear cut from what you're saying, I think. So what are you going to do?