Irresponsible parenting, big surprise

SD7 is back at our house this week, her BD dropped her off yesterday evening. DW and BD have joint custody, each has SD7 for a week. Transitions are on Sunday evenings. DW calls BD to find out when he will be dropping SD off at our house, he says around 5pm - no problem, I always plan on her eating dinner at our house. However, he proceeds to tell DW he just looked in her school folder and she has a TON of homework - like 15-20 pages of it.

SD was out of school on Friday due to a family event (with us), but teacher sent home makeup work Thursday evening. BD did not do any of the homework with her before she was dropped off to us for the Friday event. We brought her back to his house that evening - Friday around 7pm. He had her that evening, all day Saturday and Sunday. He FINALLY looks in her school binder 15 minutes before dropping her off at our house. How convenient for him to not have to do any homework with her! (In my previous blog you'll note her homework-related meltdowns). Now I have no problem doing some of it with her on Sunday night, since we borrowed her on Friday, but not ALL of it.

Anyway, BD shows up to drop SD7 off, and she is crying hysterically. DW asks him what is going on, and he tells her that he yelled at SD7 for not telling him about the homework. DW was NOT happy. She went off on him telling him he is the ADULT and it is his responsibility to make sure that his 7-year-old who HATES homework actually does it. She (and most kids) aren't going to volunteer that information. It is his responsibility to look. He offered up some excuse about her having a bday party to go to on Saturday and that she was barely at his house. Not only that but he didn't bring her school supplies back to our house, forgot her ear medicine that she needs to be given daily, etc. He got angry but didn't say anything, and my DW told him that maybe she should tell his GF things, because when she does that things actually get done. (BD's GF is another story, woo boy). And that in our house we make sure she finishes her responsibilities before she gets rewarded (by being allowed to go to a party). He just walked away, slammed the door of his car and drove away.

10 minutes later he calls and says he's coming back over with the supplies, medicine and to apologize to SD7. I realize that parents all make mistakes, but this is a common occurrence with this guy... he just wants to be SD7's best friend and doesn't want to take any responsibility for his own actions. FWIW, at our house the first thing we check every night is her folder to ensure she has done all her work - even on Fridays. She can't play until it is done. I'm not sure what is so difficult about that, it's not an earth-shattering new thought or anything.

Anyway, DW had to help SD7 with all of that homework in the hour leading up to dinner and a couple hours afterwards. SD7 was an angel while doing it, no complaints, no meltdown - so I have to give her credit for that. I expected a meltdown after her BD had her hysterical.

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I know this isn't the point

I know this isn't the point but ... 15-20 pages is an excessive amount of homework for a first grader. Is that a normal workload for her? Ss9 is at a rigorously academic private school and has two math sheets, a spelling sheet and 30 minutes o reading a night. If 15-20 sheets of work is a daily norm it's no wonder the kid is in hysterics.

I guess it wasn't truly

I guess it wasn't truly "homework" - most of it was work she would have done in her classes on Friday, but she was out of school. There were a couple of actual pages of homework from Thursday, and then in-class work from Friday.

Her school actually has a "no homework" policy. Meaning they do not assign homework. However, if you do not finish your work in class (or aftercare during homework hours), you have to take it home to finish.

Not surprisingly, SD7 has homework every night.

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See my responses below, but

See my responses below, but daily norm is 1-2 sheets. Usually because she hasn't finished it in class. She had all week to finish most of the homework, but come thursday evening hadn't done any... so 15+ pages of homework.

Both of SD7's teachers have told DW and BD that SD7 doesn't focus in class, rarely does her work (and rushes through it when she does), repeatedly gets told to stop talking, leaves her seat, etc. Her parents know this based on the fact that she has homework EVERY night, meaning she is not doing it in class.

At first we wondered if it was the teacher's methods... but when this has been the case for two years, at two different schools, with vastly different teaching styles, well something is obviously up.

If the homework was sent home

If the homework was sent home Thursday evening and she was with you Friday for a family event, why didn't YOU know she had 15-20 pages of homework?

It's BD's responsibility to check her folder for makeup work and make sure she completes her "responsibilities" before attending a birthday party, but she has this homework because you and her mom kept her out of school?

These are ridiculous expectations for a first grader.

Because we never had the

Because we never had the school folder - even though we asked BD for it, it was not dropped off. DW specifically asked BD on Thursday if SD had any homework. He said "I don't think so." SD was also asked, and she said "No." Come to find out, he never even looked.

Not only that, but before she was kept out of school, DW asked BD's permission. If he had said no, we would have let her stay in school. DW made sure he was aware, copied him on emails to the teacher, and made sure she was aware that she'd have some makeup work to complete. No complaints.

We had her for all of 5 hours between Thursday evening and Sunday morning, all of which were spent at a family event. As I said, I'd have had no problem doing some of it with her, but for BD to not even look at the folder is ridiculous. Coupled with the fact that this is nowhere near the first time this has happened, and you see how frustrating it becomes. I'd say at least once a month she comes back to our house without weekend work being finished. That is 1 out of 2 times a month.

Why does a seven year old

Why does a seven year old have homework on the weekends? I've never heard of such a thing. I think you all need to have a chat with the teachers.

We have. One of her two

We have. One of her two teachers is not easy to work with - BD, DW and I all agreed. She is a new teacher, has sent nasty emails to the parents, etc. It doesn't help that SD7 likely has undiagnosed ADHD (DW and BD don't want to have her tested).

This is all stuff she COULD have finished during the week, either in class, during aftercare homework hours, or with her dad at night. She just didn't get it done... so none of it was done and since she was out on Friday, the teacher had to send it home.

I see

My BS7 has a homework packet.

My BS7 has a homework packet. It comes home on Mondays and has to be returned the following Monday. It normally consists of a story to read, with questions to answer and both child and parent sign, then 5-10 pages with math and writing practice and a reading log with a minimum of ten minutes per day. So, as the parent it is your responsibility to decide how to fit the homework in...my problem is son is with his dad Mon and Tues comes to me for the rest of the week and we alternate weekends. Nothing done on Dad's time usually. but, BS7 know Weds evening is homework night and if he gets it all done, just reading for the rest of the time. Sometimes it needs to get done on the weekend.

I should also clarify that

I should also clarify that the 15-20 pages of work were not just assigned for Friday. The way her school works, they get their assignments in advance on Monday and have all week to work on them. (Edit: it is a Get-To-Thirty system. They have all week during class to get 30 out of 50 points on their worksheets by the end of the week. They bring the packets home each night, so they can work on them at home if they wish).

SD7 did not do any work during the week. Monday-Thursday she screwed around in class (while she was with BD), and didn't do any homework any of those other days - all leading up to having it ALL to do on Friday.

He was well aware that there

He was well aware that there may be more than usual. He would have seen it all on Monday evening... through Thursday evening. He just didn't do any of it with her.

Also, re: "Maybe they weren't

Also, re: "Maybe they weren't really home."

They were home, BD told us as much. SD7 just had her cousin's birthday sleepover to attend, so she wasn't home that evening. I'm not sure why she was even allowed to go to that anyway, seeing as how BD has told DW three times last week that SD7 was grounded due to her behavior.

"Her school actually has a

"Her school actually has a "no homework" policy. Meaning they do not assign homework. However, if you do not finish your work in class (or aftercare during homework hours), you have to take it home to finish. Not surprisingly, SD7 has homework every night."

And then you go on to state: "SD7 did not do any work during the week. Monday-Thursday she screwed around in class (while she was with BD)"

It sounds like you're just making excuses and wanting to blame all you can on BD.
In one breath you say you weren't aware she had homework on Friday but in a different statement you admit that SD goofs off in class and "has homework every night". Sorry but DW could have just as easily checked for the homework.

edited to add: even if it meant contacting the teacher. Sure BD should have been working through the week with SD but DW could have helped with some since she was out of school on Friday for an event that you guys pulled SD out for.

I see everyone's point, and

I see everyone's point, and as I said we'd have had no problem doing some of it with her on Sunday. The fact that none of it was done, and the folder wasn't even cracked open was the problem. (And that this routinely happens even when she has been in school all week). I guess DW is just responsible enough to make sure she gets her stuff done when she is with us. We can't control what happens at BD's house, so if she doesn't get it done those weeks, too bad, so sad.

Re: "In one breath you say you weren't aware she had homework on Friday but in a different statement you admit that SD goofs off in class and "has homework every night"

She does goof off, but without the folder being given to us, we have no way of knowing - short of contacting the teachers - that she has homework. I guess bad on DW for relying on her BD's assertion that he didn't think she had any homework to complete. If there is anything we've learned it is that we should not rely on his word for anything.

And we would have done some with her on Friday... if the folder with the work in it had been given to us, as DW had asked for. As it stands, it was not given to us until Sunday evening.

lol Rinodad...I think I am

lol Rinodad...I think I am the only one reading your post here.

anywho...Vent away, but there is really nothing you can do about it. It sounds like bio dad has done this before and will do so again.

At least he brought the stuff back and apologized.

Yeah, it's just a vent. I

Yeah, it's just a vent. I guess the thing that bugs me is that even though SD can really piss me off sometimes, I do care about her and want her to do well... and most of the time it seems like her actual father only cares that he's the fun guy.

I should probably disengage and let DW take care of this stuff, but then I'll get it from her about why I'm not as involved with SD as I am with BS.

At the age of 7, a child

At the age of 7, a child needs to start taking responsibility for thier homework. Then the parents need to look over it and make sure it was completed. Children may not want to "offer" that information, but it needs to be enforced. If you had the child on Friday, even without the school folder, you could of asked the child about homework and reminded the BD about it. It takes a village to raise a child.

SD was asked, and told DW

SD was asked, and told DW "No." You'll see I said that in an earlier post. Whether she lied or was told that by BD, who knows.

You are probably right. I

You are probably right. I mean, I know SD7 lies a lot (she got caught doing so to both her teachers already this year), but somehow I always want to believe the kid is doing the right thing.

She never gets punished for lying. If I tried, I'd be "too harsh." DW just says that she needs a good "talking to."

^^^This. I sat in my SD7's

^^^This. I sat in my SD7's last parent teacher conference and listened to the "teaching team" talk about how SD7 is behind as far as reading and blah blah blah which is so weird because she knows it but refuses to test out on it.

Um, yeah. The child isn't behind. I politely explained to the teacher that THIS and exactly THIS is why standardized testing on a first grader is absurd. And NO, we aren't going to have her in school from 8am until 5pm for before and after crap, every day, five days a week, and then have her doing 3-5 pages of homework per night, plus reading for half an hour, plus flash cards, plus practicing a band instrument. She's 7. I'm picking her up from school when school is out. Then we're gonna have a snack. Then she gets to be 7 for the rest of the day. BAM.

Miraculously SD7 is not a moron.

You really think a child not

You really think a child not learning how to cook will be a failure at life? I didn't learn how to cook or do laundry until I reached high school, this is when I learned time management. I'm only 26 and I'm pretty successful in life. I do think children should be responsible for other things outside of school, but school should always be number one. A person will not go far in life if they do not have a higher education. Trust me I am an HR manager for a very large corporate company and I see failures all the time.

You really think a child not

We have a reward chart. She

We have a reward chart. She gets stars for completing her work - but only at our house. That type of thing is not done at her father's house. Like I said - he is "fun dad." She has no responsibilities over there.

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Irresponsible parenting, big surprise

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