Going to have a break down over step kids!
:jawdrop:
Where do I start ...
I am stepmother to a 9 yr old boy and 13 yr old girl. I have a 9 yr old boy of my own. They all live with me and my husband. I moved in with my husband 3 years ago and from the second week of living together his ex told him that the kids wanted to live with him and she packed there bags at the end of the week and they moved in with us. At first I thought I could do it, I thought I could look after his children and my little easy enough. Boy was I wrong. The ss and my son don't really get along. The ss had punch my son in the head, made him bleed and is always winding him up and fighting with him. The sd is a very difficult boy, he doesn't listen to a word I or his dad says and lies blatant to our faces even if we have seen him do something. He sees his mother two weekends a month and according to his sister he tells his mum every little detail about our life. Their mother asks questions about me and my husband and I just don't understand why. My sd has always been a better behaved child but recently is stropping and saying she wants to go back to her mums and then she doesn't. It seems every time she doesn't get her way she says I want to go back to mums.
When they are at their mums she is hardly ever there anyway and I just don't understand why these kids have no respect for us. The sd talks to her dad and me like a piece of crap and then expects money and things and the ss does the same. He talks back everyday and is upsetting my son, me or his sister every day.
It's causing me and my husband to argue lots and fall out for days and I just can't bare it any more. What do I do ?
Not a psychologist, just a SM
Not a psychologist, just a SM in the trenches 9 years. Also, in the short time I've become a member, I have gotten great insites from some good ladies on here, and I am borrowing terms I've seen them use. Many of them can explain this to you better, but I will give it my best shot.
If BM didn't send the kids to you because she has a serious illness or they were in some kind of danger, then you are up against a BM who wants you and your DH to break up. If so, then the skids are her willing or unknowing (doesn't really matter which) weapon in this assault on you and your nuclear family, which has become you (SM), DH, DD9, DD9, and DS13 in one fell swoop of her "sword." Notice how BM sent skids to live with you "the second week of [DH and your] living together."
You are nobody to these skids. All skids fantasize that daddy and mommy will one day reunite and it's gonna be the rainbow bridge. Only you and your son stand in their way of this fantasy. My SO's ex2 actually generously rewarded her kids when they caused us to fight (pool table even), and that is no lie.
The guilt ridden fathers are fed a load of BS from society and the "system" that they were put on this planet to make their ex-wife/wives happy and financially secure because for some insidious and hideous unspoken belief, the ex-wives are the ones with the golden uterus who laid the golden eggs (your skids).
Your DH will sit back while you try to process all the dysfunction and he will take out on you his anger over your skids bad behavior because "you won't leave him, but they might." My SS22 (then13) was PAS (parental alienation syndrome). It tore up my SO (significant other), but I breathed a sigh of relief. He was a ticking time bomb. My DH got over it after SD stabbed him in the back with false accusations, and our home has been happier and lighter and SAFER after he left. Once BM2 alienated her son from his father, she then went to court to send him back as she had lost her primary eyes, ears and weapon in our home (SD was only 8 and while she was a mess, she had not yet fully become a terrorist in our home at that point). MY DH stood up to the judge and explained the situation how we couldn't allow one boy to cause harm emotionally or physically to 4 young children. The judge understood, ruled in DH's favor and basically kept my family in tact -- my 3 young bios who had lost their bio father in Iraq. Otherwise, we would have had to separate, and we had been high school sweethearts who really are meant to be together.
You asked, "What do I do?" FIRST and foremost…stand up for your son. IN this situation he has to be your number 1 because your husband has already made you his number 4 after SD13, SS9 and BM by letting this type of behavior and therefore, lifestyle, in your home with him. Have fun with your son. Stay happy, healthy and strong for him. He needs you.
Some of the other SMs on here will give you more advice and maybe explain "why" your BM is jealous. You need to get tough. You are fighting a war for your and your son's sanity and for your husband to be a husband first, father second and abandon his Disney Dad Denial for fear he will "lose" his kids. By marrying, impregnating, and then divorcing a psychopath (I am guessing she is one by her first "attack") he already has.
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^ The BM in
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
The BM in my case would also "grill" the 3 skids after entitlement sessions, errrr,I mean "visitation." It was hell on earth as I watched daddykins unmercifully spoil his 3 demonic heathens yet were taught to hate us by the scornful BM.
All three PASed out which was a blessing of peace to me BUT caused guilty dadykins to take it out on me and blame me for his "grief." NO WAY would he put his foot down with BM or the skids which, ironically, would have slowed the PASout.
My tears came out on this
My tears came out on this one. It is sad, but somehow comforting, to know that someone you know went through this too, *beaccountable*.
It is nearly impossible to explain this to friends, family, acquaintances who don't know what went on inside your home. All they can say or think sometimes is, "How could a father "abandon" his son." Or, "His SO is such a "bit*#", that she drove away his son." That is the furthest from the truth.
What they don't know is how the BM taught the kids to abandon their father and worse. We know we are good people, but because of his BM, we sometimes think people in our community see us as the pariah because BM is a hairdresser with a big mouthful of lies.
^this^
^this^
Aww you have every sympathy
Aww you have every sympathy form me and your situation is helping me prevent this happening to me.
My OH's Son is violent and abusive to my son. I have always been tough on my son and if kids misbehave, unless you see exactly what happens, I've grouped bad together.
This has opened my eyes to making sure my son doesn't get dragged down in awfulness and I will stick up for him next time it happens. At the moment he is being coupled in and being told is the cause, which I know he isn't!
Its bloody hard, I had absolutely NO idea just how hard it could all me. Harder than a plait in lots of ways because it isn't just going to get better and easier with each day.
Yes. It is very hard. I
Yes. It is very hard. I like the idea about calling the cops, especially if your OH's son is 2 years older or more than your son.
But more importantly, I wouldn't let him harm him in the first place. If it means you move on and find a new man it could mean a better path for you and your son.
I was one of the lucky ones in that no extreme violence, physical or sexual abuse happened to my bios at the hands of a skid, it was just little physical actions in the beginning that were escalating before SD PAS'd out. Sayanora.