Advice for a new SM
I have two SS's (4 and 5). BM attempted suicide in January which the oldest son found her. She has since attempted three other times. Somehow, her rights have not been taken away. We have been told that something bad has to happen before her rights are taken away. In a state that is "maternal" it seems hard to understand why the courts do what they do. We are fortunate to receive CS directly from her SSI payments. Now we are able to count on that income each month. While it's only enough to cover our grocery expenses each month, we are blessed to have it. So oldest SS is emotionally disturbed by everything. She has told him he is stupid, she doesn't want him, he's not her favorite, has locked him in his room, and would go all day sleeping instead of feeding him (back when they were a family). He has trust issues with women, and I am seen as a women but slowly earning his trust. He has his really good days (when he doesn't see or hear from BM for a while), but when he has bad days they can be really bad. He is going to therapy to help with his outbursts and learn to talk about his feelings and not use the word "hate". We went to a Halloween carnival at a local shopping mall that had trick-or-treating today. It was time to go, and SS caused a scene: he wanted to go to the store to buy a toy, but we said it was time to go have dinner; he threw himself on the ground and screamed; I said this is not okay and you are embarrassing yourself; then he said, "I hate you!" So I took the other SS and left DH there to take care of the situation. He has been disrespecting me a lot lately, and I feel childish feeling that I'm letting a five year old hurt my feelings. Is this normal to feel this way? His behavior has never really gotten between me and DH, but I feel like he shouldn't allow his son to disrespect me that way. I have read that children of divorces will act out when they don't know how to explain their emotions, and they will act out more with the parent(s) they trust the most and are comfortable with because they know what the reaction will be. Lately I have felt like nothing I am doing is right, I am running out of patience, and I am afraid to tell DH how I'm feeling without feeling like I'm the odd one out. I tend to go to my room, walk the dogs, or doing something away from DH and SS's to get out of the tension. I am very new to being a SM, almost a year. I need some advice from veterans. I know that I have to be more sensitive to the oldest SS's emotions and how I approach disciplining him; yet, I get so upset when he disrespects me or DH or cannot accept "no."
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I forgot to mention...DH was
I forgot to mention...DH was able to leave with the boys when she attempted suicide in January. Because of his stability and her diagnosis of bipolar with repeated visits to the ER just about twice a month, he has custody. Thankfully, and suprisingly, she never fought to have primary custody. She also has a 12 yr old son who lives with her parents and has been there for about 3 years. I go through the typical name calling, blaming, etc. from her every other weekend when they see her, but I care less about what she says about me and more about how to build my relationship with SS's. I have one-on-one time with each of them, and we spend lots of quality time together as a family doing activities. I still struggle, though, on a day to day basis hoping that the oldest SS won't have a breakdown. His teacher has noted his daily challenges on a daily calendar she sends home. Things have gotten a lot better over time, but I am at a "valley" right now, hoping to see light around the corner.
While I can't say I am a
While I can't say I am a veteran....I think you are an amazing woman and dooing beautifully. No, what he says shouldn't logically hurt your feelings, but it does...mine too when my ss's say something oor even my bk's. It shows you care about him. Take a deep breath, you are doing great. Keep the communication with DH open...this is a slow and time consuming process. Your ss's are young and they can learn to trust you if you are willing to do the work. I do wonder if BM is speaking ill of you on her visitation time and that may be contributing. Hang in there. Glad you're here.
My heart breaks for these
My heart breaks for these poor kids. I think you are doing such a great job. Taking a walk, going to your room, giving yourself a break when you need it just all speak to your own emotional health and you should continue to do these things as well as see a counselor for you if possible to give you strenth and advice. Of course this child is going to be a mess and lash out behaviorally. Please don't take it personally. When you hear that remember this child has been taught (by bm) that when you get mad equals hate and throw a tantrum because he has seen her do just that. Keep working with the therapist to calmly and consistently address it and know it is going to be a lifetime process for this poor kid especially when he is getting eow 'reminders' from this woman on how to be unstable. You and your dh hold close to one another and don't let go, you need to help each other through this and realize he isn't 'letting' his son disrespect you, I'm sure his own heart is breaking watching his sons go through this behavior. Have everyone keep very close records and in a few months see if you can get eow removed, if the schools/therapist can testify she continues to be a danger to the kids then then you may win her having only supervised. Also in addition to the abuse the child has suffered it is very possible he could have some underlying heredity mental health issues like she has so he may need to be watched and treated for that lifelong for best outcomes just like if he had a physical disorder. I am really impressed with your compassion and dedication for these kids.
Keep up the great work!!! It
Keep up the great work!!! It will all pay off in the long run!!! Unfortunately you have a long road ahead with BM but feel fortunate you came into these boys life while they are young!! It will take some time but they will learn who their "real" mother is because it takes more than biology to be a parent!!! and you are doing a wonderfull job!!! you may need to softly tell Dad how you sometimes feel frustrated but remind him that the love is there!!! It is still early in your relationship with these boys and they are pushing you just to see if you'll leave them too, they wouldn't do this if they didn't love you!! and they love you!!! remeber they were hurt by the one person that is always supposed to love you and be there for you, they will soon learn that you are the person who will always love them and be there for them!!! Smile!!! it gets better, and eventually they move out and bring home grandbabies to-- YOU!!!