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Kids...grr

buttercup123's picture

Submitted by buttercup123 on Fri, 10/30/2009 - 6:20pm

Why do kids have to be sooo picky about what they eat? Every night at dinner we have to listen to incessant whining and I'm so over it. Tonight there was a temper tantrum by SD10 because he had to eat turkey soup. We all have the flu and a friend dropped it off. It was really good, but a tiny bit spicy. You'd think it was the end of the world the way he carried on.
I know it's a little thing but I get annoyed when I cook and get told "eww, I hate this." BM doesn't enforce anything. If they don't like what she cooks then they can have something else. WTF! I do not slave over a hot stove for that.
What's worse is that what they like and don't like seem to change with the weather. I can't keep up!

Comments

Rabon5's picture

Submitted by Rabon5 on Fri, 10/30/2009 - 6:40pm

"We will prevail!!!!!" - You got that right! I beleive that it takes a very strong person to be a parent and at times an even stronger and braver person to be a step parent. I understand that it can also be extreamily overwheling at times. But stay strong and everything will work out. I personally do not see a problem with "setting the record straight" as long as you are tasteful and bo your best not to completely trash BM to Skids. One day they will see the truth about BM BD and you and they will know who has been tere, cared and done whatever they could (reguardless if they ever admit it - they will know).

buttercup123's picture

Submitted by buttercup123 on Fri, 10/30/2009 - 6:51pm

Thanks. I do not trash talk the BM. I simply point out to the children that she shouldn't bad mouth their dad because it makes them feel bad. She called my fiance a loser and I pointed out that that "loser" has paid for the house they live in, the car they drive etc. I pointed out all of his many accomplishments and said "does that sound like a loser to you?" The worst I have ever said is that she doesn't behave like an adult and needs to take responsibility for her actions. I think that's fair.

Being a step parent to 3 kids is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Kudos to all of us who have taken on that heavy responsibility!

Rabon5's picture

Submitted by Rabon5 on Fri, 10/30/2009 - 6:56pm

You have every right to clear any false information. It sounds like you have handled yourself like a true lady!

LotusFlower's picture

Submitted by LotusFlower on Fri, 10/30/2009 - 7:10pm

Ahhh my little buttercup...LOL...welcome to my world....I too fell in love with a man with three kids....and now they are my kids...I have no children of my own, so trust me, I know how hard it is to adjust to this new life....I too had a BM from hell...I say had, because she took off to go live her life and is no longer a mother to her children (read my past blogs)....You my dear, have every right to correct the PAS yur BM is trying to instill...chances are, if they are old enuff, they probably already know how awesome of a Dad they have, but are between a rock and a hard place with the BM.....its a long rough road....but hopefully yur DH is rock solid and won't play the BM's games....he HAS to stand up to her, with yur help, and the two of you have to be a united front for this to work....I've been doing this for years....and I truly feel like I have made a huge difference in my skids lives....you can do this....and anytime u need someone to talk to....I;m here for ya!!!! Smile

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

buttercup123's picture

Submitted by buttercup123 on Fri, 10/30/2009 - 8:04pm

Thanks so much LotusFlower. Did I mention that they aren't divorced yet and that the BM is dragging her heels and being irrational every step of the way? We finally decided to get engaged anyway because we refuse to have her dictate our lives and timelines any more than she already is.

It now looks like we have to resort to court. Argh. I wish she would get hit by lightening. maybe it would knock sense into her.

It sounds like you are an amazing mother to those children and they are very lucky to have you. Kudos.

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 8:40am

This is my take (some may not agree)...

I just won't deal with BM. Tell your FH not to tell you anything about her or the situation. Just deal with the children when you have them.

If the kids say "BM said this or that..." tell the kids --

" what happens or is said in someones home is private. Please do not tell me things that happen in BMs home, and do not tell BM about things in our home. We don't have negativity in our home, if someone said something not nice they shouldn't have. And you shouldn't repeat it."

If you wish to confront someone about what BM is saying, confront her. Not the kids. Call her, email her, have FH do it. Whatever. But I would suggest not doing it with the children.

If the say something after you told them above, I would say "no negativity..." they will catch on--my SD10 did with time.

stepoff's picture

Submitted by stepoff on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 8:44am

I have to disagree Gettingby. We tried this at first. Told SD and SS that what happens with BM is her business and what happens with us is ours. It didn't work. BM and SD were too nosey and gossipy to let it go. So it became "what happens with BM is her business and what happens with us is her business also." After telling them to keep her business away from us, SD decided 'OK, I'll just let mom know what you're up to then." Doesn't work.

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 8:53am

I am sorry that it didn't work for you. I would suggest she try it, it did work for us.

stepoff's picture

Submitted by stepoff on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 8:41am

Definitely don't take any sh!t from her. When she lies about you and BF, throw it right back and tell the truth. That's the best thing you could do, otherwise the kids will grow up thinking their dad is wrong in everything. All that will be left is for them to use him for money, as the BM also did. That's the issue with my DH and SD. BM chewed SD's ear off about how 'bad' daddy was, now they just use him for money. Once it gets to that point, there's not much you can do. But don't take any crap, and stand your ground!

kidsaplenty's picture

Submitted by kidsaplenty on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 8:49am

The best way to deal with her for years to come? DON'T deal with her. At all. Don't let her antics get to you, don't give her head space, and most certainly don't interact with her. If the kids come directly to you and say something that needs refuting give them correct information with no reference to their mom. For example, "My mom said my dad only cares about you and has no time for us". You respond calmly and directly "your Dad loves you with all his heart and would be happy to have you here more often" then move right on to the next thing you were doing no need for big huge hairy heart to hearts convos. Then let your dh handle it any further if needed. If this bm knows she is getting the two of you all worked up with her behavior it will be like throwing gas on a fire.

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 9:00am

I do agree with this if the children are very young. When they are older I would suggest what I posted above.

How old are the kids?

buttercup123's picture

Submitted by buttercup123 on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 11:40am

Thanks so much for all of your responses. It really helps.

The kids are 5, 10 and 12. The bm constantly tells the kids that she hates me (I have never met her), and runs down my fiance. I'll pick them up at school and make them a snack. Within 15 minutes or so, the 5 year old will say something like "my mommy hates you" or "daddy is a bad man". I'll calmly respond by saying "Well, I don't hate your mommy because I've never met her. Do you think it's right to hate someone you don't even know?" He will say "no, I'm smarter than mommy that way." Gotta love kids:) I'll ask why he thinks daddy is a bad man and he will say "because mommy says so." Then dad will come home and the 5 year old is in his arms squealing with delight to see him and saying how much he loves his daddy. But her bad mothing does do damage. She alienates him as a parent and I've had to talk to the older kids because they told me they thought their dad was a loser. My fiance is a successful, educated man who supported bm throughout the marriage, and continues to do so. She is a college dropout with the brain capacity of a gnat. Errrrrr. I get so mad but bite my tongue and calmly discuss reasons why their dad is not a loser and why they should be proud to have a daddy like him. What else can I do?

I do not have contact with bm but I do need to know things she has said and done so I can have the facts straight when the kids come to me and ask questions. We have told the lawyers that she is not to call the house unless there is an emergency with the kids or she wants to talk them. She emotionally abused my fiance for years so he refuses to talk to her. If her #comes up, I answer and pass the kids to her. It drives her nuts that he won't talk to her (they co-parent via e-mail) and in the latest divorce agreement draft she put all kinds of immature things in, citing "because he won't talk to me." I'm going to file a complaint against her lawyer for even allowing that crap into a legal document.

I'm with Kidsaplenty. I follow that mantra. It's just so ridiculous that we can't be civil. My ex of 6 years got married this summer and we were invited to the wedding. Granted, no kids are involved but we have always acted in a mature, adult-like fashion towards one another.

I go to the ten year olds hockey and baseball games and it drives her nuts. BM can't enjoy herself when I'm there. I'm not even anywhere near her!!! Grow up already. I tell the kids that she should be happy that her kids have another person in their lives that love and care for them. They get it.

buttercup123's picture

Submitted by buttercup123 on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 11:44am

Nomorefaking!- I agree with you 100%. I sat by quietly and watched as the kids attitude towards their dad got worse. Then I researched Parental Alienation Syndrome and knew I had to get in there and stand up for my fiance. We got the lawyers involved to get thee kids counselling (bm doesn't want them to get help because it will undermine her ability to manipulate them) and they have recently started. I now have hope that things will turn out.

stepoff's picture

Submitted by stepoff on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 1:27pm

Sitting idly by will work sometimes, but not always. If you don't stand your ground, the skids will walk all over you. Good luck to you. I hope it all works out. Enjoy Halloween too!

buttercup123's picture

Submitted by buttercup123 on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 1:46pm

Hahaha. Those skids don't dare walk over me. They love me and have a healthy respect for my authority. They are good kids and it always surprises me how well adjusted they are considering their mother. Happy Halloween to you too.

vgill's picture

Submitted by vgill on Sun, 11/01/2009 - 9:24am

I feel for you!! I have a similar situation, but he had full custody of his sons since they were in diapers now that we have started our own busines after years of struggling and things are now going well she want's the boys back and she wants child support!!! WTF!! she has only ever paid CS sparadically and only $250 a month. she is expecting $800 a month from us and she still wants us to pay the full shot for braces and she wants the CTC chq too, they don't even live with her !!she just wants to see how much money she will make before she takes them!! to top it all off he has had to fight for CS from her for over 4 years before she paid a silngle thing and it took him 3 1/2 years to get the CTC from the government because she was claiming the boys on her taxes, what a F-ing bitch !! I feel for you!!!