New and need advice...going crazy
Hi all, I am new here. I was looking around on-line and found this forum and really need some help. A little background...I have 2 bio children from previous marriage that are 19 and 15. My fiancé has a daughter that is 10 and together we have a 3 year old son. We have had no problems with my two older children, but his daughter is just a nightmare. That sounds so ugly to say, but it is the truth. My fiancé has full custody of her and has since she was 2. Her BM is in her life and gets her only on EOW. Her BM has only came back in her life the last 5 years. She was on drugs and is a low life.
In the beginning the SD was not so bad, but she was also a lot younger. She lies, steals, manipulates, and just doesn't give a crap about anything. I have reached my limit and feel horrible for even feeling that way. I love my fiancé, but I have to ask myself if I can live another 8 to 9 years with a child that, if not stopped, will only get better at what she does. I even put off the wedding because of this.
I will say in fairness that I am old school when it comes to parenting. I was raised in a religious home and by God I respected my elders, and I expect no less. My older children are great kids and my 19 year old loves my fiancé to death. Neither of them can stand the 10 year old, they don't even want to be in the same room with her. It is really sad.
My SD is not corrected like she should be. Her last episode was she sold candy to the neighbor for a school fundraiser and she didn't write down their order and kept their money ($40). When the neighbors came looking for their candy, is how we found out. She lied until she couldn't keep up with it and finally told the truth. We had to give the neighbors back their $40, out of our pockets because she just cannot remember where that money went? Her correction was to tell the neighbors that she was sorry. That is all, it. So, I told her that she was grounded to her room for the weekend. On Sunday morning my fiancé felt sorry for her and told her she could come out. Needless to say I was furious. She is never going to learn and I am sick of trying when I am just made out to be the bad guy.
I just don't think that I can stomach living in a home with a disrespectful, lazy, hateful child. I have had to walk away before, because if I didn't I would have spanked her butt. I have had to take all my jewelry to my parents because she will not stay out of it. I just need to now that I am not crazy...And is there anything that I can do to make this better?
This is far more complicated
This is far more complicated because you've brought another kid into it otherwise I would say take a walk.
I'm going to assume that your husband has no fears of his ex taking custody because of her background so that isn't the reason for him to be so easy on the kid.
You got a guy who doesn't want or doesn't know how to parent. My only suggestion is to get on Amazon.com and purchase a few well chosen books for him to read. What he needs to understand that he's not doing this kid any favors. She steals $40 from a employer she could easily be talking to the police and ending any possibility of having a job involving trust or bonding if she gets a record out of it.
I'm curious as to why, with two kids already well on their way in life, you chose to start again with a kid?
Hmmm...where to start My
Hmmm...where to start
My experience was the same except I'm the dad, have 18yr daughter and had a 14 yr sd. Yep, had. It was a long road. I didn't have a bio with the ex-fiance (thk goodness), but it was years of hell because she never raised sd with boundaries or any discipline. Then there's the money and sd was spoiled all her life. Almost every argument was about her and you will find the kids can be quite manipulative at such a young age...and it gets worse as they become teens because they have learned how to get away with it and get between you and fiance. Don't know how many times her mom let her 'win'...in fact there are no winners here.
Sooo...take a deep breath, keep reading. The best suggestion anyone here can give you is to talk to the father and start going to some kind of counseling and reading up on blended families. You can then make an informed decision as to what to do and how to do it. If you stay, something has to change so both of you can can find a way to adopt a coparenting style that works. If it doesn't change, well...from experience it will get worse. You have to see progress on your partner's part here. I don't know the whole story, but it sure sounds like mine and I'm trying to save you from years of grief if your fiance can commit to you and do the things necessary to bring peace in the home...unfortunately, like most addicts, its promises and promises with no real recovery.
But at least go through a constructive route first. Then you can live with piece of mind no matter your decision. (yeah, its harder than on a blog; but you will make it either way)
Hugs
I did not plan on having
I did not plan on having another child, I had my tubes tied after my 15 year old was born, needless to say my surprise to find out I was pregnant. I cried the first 6 months of the pregnancy. But now I wouldn't change it for the world. My 19 year old daughter is on her own making a life for herself, my 15 year old is no longer with me, so my little late in life bundle is a joy and a gift to me.
My fiancé is a great parent to our son, he is wonderful, but when it comes to SD he just crumbles. I believe he feels sorry for her and she has had many years with him to learn how to manipulate him. When she gets into trouble, it veers to how she is being bullied at school and how no one loves her. And his heart then goes out to her and it is all bull, I see right through it. She is a really mean child at heart, and it kills me to say that about a child, but it is true.
She is a chubby child and has a huge eating problem that I have patiently and lovingly tried to correct. I told her to pick an activity and she went a couple of times and was done with it. I have to hide my 3 year olds snack and other food that she will sneak to her room and eat in one sitting. She comes in from school and slumps on the couch and you literally have to ask if she is awake or not. I am not use to that and think that it is just so unhealthy for her, my two had to decide what they could fit into their schedule in a day and if they could they played or did it. But that is the unhealthy life style that she is allowed, but in no way the deal breaker as I have come to call the bad behavior.
She goes to school looking horrible, I tried to start doing her hair for her and even took her shopping and organized her room for her with play clothes vrs school clothes, so that she knew what to wear for school. My fiancé got a call for her BM saying that there was a huge bump on her head and that SD said I hit her with the hair brush. I was so furious that I told him that was fine, that when he got home we would drive our happy a$$ over there to be shown this bump and for her to tell me that to my face. Then, the story changed to, there was no bump. And this is one of many things that she has lied about, so I backed up. My fiancé was not happy about that, but if you slap me for trying, I am not going to try at all. She just knows that if she is to go anywhere with me that she is to look "put together" as I call it.
My older two when they were here would get furious with her, because she would smart off and be hateful to me, and they knew better. I wouldn't even let them disrespect my fiancé, no matter the reason they were corrected. This confused them a little and it was a little tough at first with them, but I sat them down and told them that they are to respect my fiancé, but I was to do all the correcting with them. And many do not understand my reasons for this, but if he was not going to correct his own, then he damn sure wasn't going to correct mine. I was afraid that if he corrected them and not SD that mine would begin to dislike him.
And for 2 weeks now she has not smarted off to me once, because the last time (2 weeks ago) I asked her to go change her clothes and wipe off the make-up before going out for the bus and she told me no and went to go out the door anyway. Well I had steam coming from my ears, and I gave her one chance, I told her that she was going to change and do as I say herself, or that I would. She started to cry and bellow, but she changed and wiped off her make-up. I think I scared her that day or something, because she has not smarted off yet. I think she knows that I am at my limit and she has seen what I will do with mine.
I am just fed up, you have no idea how many times I say that in a week. Her spring break is coming up and I have refused to watch her. It is that bad. When I told fiancé that he actually wrote her out a list of behaviors and what happens when they are not followed. I was floored and hopeful, but he has yet to step up when they are not followed.
Heckfire-n-Tarnation, I read
Heckfire-n-Tarnation, I read your post and can see my situation exactly. I said to my fiancé just a little while ago those same words, she does not care about anything, it is what she want, when she wants and to heck with everything and everyone else. He calls every morning to see how things went. She wore the same clothes that she wore yesterday to school.
Our conversation went like this...
Me...Are those the same clothes you wore yesterday to school?
SD...Yes.
Me...How about you put on a different shirt at least?
SD...Okay.
She goes to her room and when the bus is out front comes running out with guess what, the same clothes. She just went in there and sat on the bed until she heard the bus. My fiancé told me that I needed to step up and help her with those things. My reply to him is that I have tried and my nerves and state of mind was more important, that I was no longer going to battle with her alone. I am the only one doing it and I have lost.
Ahhh a "oops" baby. Well
Ahhh a "oops" baby. Well they're often the best. Many, as in your case, profit from having a experienced parent, singular in your case. Has he been man enough to get his tubes snipped? If not you need to do it: first get a scissors, wait until he's drunk and asleep.
OK OK just kidding I meant you'll have to have yours cut not tied.
OK, Daddy still need his books so do get some from Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_13?url=search-alias%3Dstripbook...
Tell husband tonight you are disengaging and give him a copy of this article I'm linking below. Of course you need to read it first. I should have suggested this in my first reply:
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Orange County Ca, Thank you
Orange County Ca, Thank you for the article, I just read it and wow, it is exactly how I feel and will be doing. I am in the dog house now because she came home from school and got expelled from the bus again, and again no consequence. The last time I told her that I was not going to take her the next time, well oh my, I am not a supportive wife because I am disrupting his life. I just started yelling and that is not like me at all, that I am fed up and I am sick of hearing that "I will deal with it later"? Again thank you for the article, I will be sitting them down and telling them my new course of action...
Oh and believe me, after my surprise, I told the doctor to cut it, laser it, take it all out, whatever he had to do to make it to where I would not have another child. He laughed at me, but I told him that if I became pregnant after this one, I was going to make him pay child support. lol