How do I explain this as "bad" without seeming like I'm bad mouthing BM?
My SD7 came home from her BM's weekend, and I asked the typical stuff. What did you guys do? Did you have fun? I've been having to ask lately where they've been staying. In the custodial agreement, she's supposed to give DH a week notice in change of address, and they've been staying with other people since they had an issue with their home. We have no idea where SD stays when with her BM.
This weekend, I found that they were staying with BM's boyfriend's mother, but had to stay with one of BM's friends. Why? The boyfriend was arrested for driving without a license. /facepalm
So, here's the thing. I'm not trying to talk smack on BM to SD in any way, shape, or form. I'd LOVE to lay out everything she's done to SD, from before SD could remember, but unless she asks me specifically, I refuse to make her think her BM is a terrible person. I want her to decide that on her own. I've been in SD's life since she was 3 and, quite literally, the epitome of a wild child. Her BM has dropped her with us and disappeared for months and only made contact when she wanted money. I could go on and on, with stuff far worse, but that's the kind of person she is.
Anywho, I'm venting. I'm sorry. How do I explain to SD that doing something against the "rules" (aka, a better way for her to understand what "laws" are) is bad without making it seem like I'm trying to turn her against her BM? I just don't want her growing up thinking that it's acceptable for her to do these things because "mommy does them, so it's okay". Am I overstepping my boundaries as SM by wanting to explain these things to her? DH is a WONDERFUL father to all our kids, and I know he'd explain it to her, but she is very attached to me so I feel like when I talk to her, it sinks in more.
Help? Advice? Please?
And thanks in advance. 
I'd just let DH handle that.
I'd just let DH handle that. As well as letting DH handle asking where she's been staying.
SD is always going to be loyal to her BM & she may turn on u if she feels when she gets older that you were digging for info. If it's her dad doing it, it's a different story.
IMHO of course
Normally, that'd be the route
Normally, that'd be the route I take. However, after her mom left her the last time, she started coming to me for things. She used to be very exclusive with daddy, because daddy was an EOW parent and let her run around doing anything and everything. She didn't have structure or rules until I came around. When she gets home from school, she spills to me how her day was, shows me all her work, has me help with her homework, etc. So usually, if something needs to be talked about, it's me and her. I've always had a way with kids, I just never expected her to latch on to me as much as she did.
That's usually how I go about
That's usually how I go about it, because she's young. There's weekends where mommy hasn't come because she's had something "major" happen, which for her is something as little as not having a babysitter so she can go out that weekend, and SD has been very upset. She cries on my shoulder over daddy's, and asks me why mommy doesn't want to see her. I don't know what to say when it comes to that.
You need to stop pumping SD
You need to stop pumping SD for information. It is totally inappropriate. You are putting her right in the middle and it's gonna bite you in the ass. I've been told this by our therapist, after SD got consequences for lying to me. I had asked her how her and BM's new place was and if it was just the two of them. SD told me it was, turns out they moved in with a roommate. So, I totally understand your concern for your SD--I have been there time and again--but you have to keep your questions, thoughts, or opinions to yourself or between you and your DH. And trust me, I know it's hard. I myself had to stop asking DH, he stopped telling me anything about BM that did not affect me or my BD6.
If there is a concern about your SD's safety, or that she is being abused, contact the authorities. If there is not, stay out of it and focus on giving her stability when she is with you and DH.
I never ask specifics, just
I never ask specifics, just basic "did you have fun?", "did you get to paint your nails?" sort of things. I don't try to pry, because what happens at her mom's is just that.
However, her mother in the past has attempted to move with SD to a city a few hours away from us, and in a house with her father who is a registered sex offender. She refuses to tell us anything that she legally is supposed to tell us, and we don't push unless she makes it a huge concern. However, I'm not going to have SD think she can't tell me things. A lot of times, it's little things like her brother wouldn't play nice, and we talk about how to share right, how to speak feelings rather than acting them out, etc., because she's had some problems with that in the past.
We've contacted the authorities prior. Her BM had been living with her mom and stepdad, and stepdad hit my SD with a belt, leaving bruises. We filed reports, the police proceeded with questioning, a polygraph was inclusive, our local PD told us they knew he did it, but had to prove it now, but had to stop all things once DFS stepped in. DFS took mom's side, because "moms don't let that kind of stuff happen to their kids". We won when they tried to press child abuse charges against us, though, once the higher ups in DFS interviewed us. The investigator had no case against us, and they saw that. Thank God. But, aside from that, it's the same run and dance in our area. The moms are what matter, and the dads are just there.
Thanks for clarifying. I see
Thanks for clarifying. I see your position a little more clear now. If anything, though, your DH should be asking the more specific questions. If you still suspect abuse, report it. Don't hesitate.
ETA: If she's in violation of the CO in any way your DH should file for contempt of court.
The OP didn't really provide
The OP didn't really provide a clear picture of the circumstances in the original post. And you didn't remember my thread very clearly. That has to do with boundaries between my SD's BM and me and my BD. My advice to the OP was based on my experiences with my SD and what our therapist told me.
That's why I advised that if
That's why I advised that if the BM is in violation of the CO, that her DH should file for contempt. And as I mentioned above if anything, her DH (the child's parent) should ask the more specific questions. It is not the place of a step-parent to be getting information from the child. Our role is a supporting role to our spouses, we don't take the lead, we don't initiate. It causes problems that we can't imagine when at that moment, all we are trying to do is help. If there are signs of abuse, well, that's a different story. If that is the case, then the authorities should be contacted and the pros can ask the questions.
I'm sorry for not giving all
I'm sorry for not giving all the back story. But if I did that, it would've been a novel. There's just so much.
We have gone to our local PD about violations of the CO. They threatened to arrest DH for "being petty" because BM was just that - the BM.
Your DH needs to file for a
Your DH needs to file for a motion for contempt of court. Don't go thru the PD.
And I get what you're saying about the novel. There are so many things I wanna post about on this site, but it think to myself that I just don't wanna open that can of worms!
That's a hard one isn't it?
That's a hard one isn't it? I don't remember how I came to realize consequences for rules/laws broken at a young age. You can ask her about school and if she volunteers that so-and-so got in trouble you can ask if he broke the rules. Then with age appropriate language tell how adults have laws and they can get in trouble also etc.
Same with driving by a car pulled over by the police carefully explaining that children can always go to a policeman for help because policemen don't punish children only adults.
I'd leave mother and any transgressions she or boyfriends have made completely out of the discussion.
Try this link to a Google search I just made: http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=chr-greentree_ie&ei=utf-8&ilc=12&type=...
DH and I are talking about
DH and I are talking about contacting her school's counselor, or any sort of counselor for that matter, to find the best way to approach the issue. I just figured I'd ask some other step-parents first. I never know where or when I'm overstepping. I never try to, and I never want to replace mommy, but I'm still so in the dark on how to handle certain scenarios. Thanks!
I'm not sure where you're
I'm not sure where you're coming from. What is going on that she needs to learn is "wrong"? BM's bf broke the law and was arrested. That is a lesson that doing wrong has consequences. She is learning in school all day long about rules and what's okay/what's not okay. You don't need adult situations to show her what's right. She has her entire life to observe these things on her own. It sounds like you are trying to find ways to sneak in that her mom is bad. Follow Dizzy's advice.
No, no. I promise, that's not
No, no. I promise, that's not my intention. If I wanted to try and get her turned against her mom, I'd have more than enough to be able to do so. Her mother fills her head with things like "don't forget she's not your real mommy" and "mommy and daddy aren't together anymore because of her", as well as "mommy will get to take you all the time once she makes boss at work", and the only reason I know these things is because SD gets upset and asks if I'll "leave her like mommy does". It breaks my heart, and trust me I WANT to say so many things, but she'll always be her mommy and I can't change that, so I have to accept it. But at least I know I'll never stoop to that level.
It's hard to really explain everything without writing a book, because there's a lot of info that isn't here. But, there was one instance when SD came home from her weekend at BMs and said "I'm going to have a tea party when I go back to mommy's. And if mommy doesn't have the money for the stuff, then we'll go to the neighbor's house and take the money." Unfortunately, this is her mother's mentality through and through. I've known her mother since high school (she, my DH, myself, and a few others have been friends/acquaintances for years) and this is something that has never changed. We still don't know how to explain working for money, but we never said anything and implemented chores that work for her age in the house. She's perfectly happy with that. I just don't know how to go about handling this, because she has questions about what jail is, what happens in jail, etc. She may be 7, but she's extremely bright and curious and just so amazing. I know her mom doesn't see her that way.
That BM and my SD's BM could
That BM and my SD's BM could be BFFs! Only, my SD's BM would never take off because it would hit her right in the pocketbook.
It's a cycle in BM's world.
It's a cycle in BM's world. She got pregnant young, my DH younger, by poking holes in condoms. And she was advised by her own mother to do so. "You'll get more benefits from the state if you have a kid. Why do you think I have you and your sister?"
They disgust me.
This might be presumptuous,
This might be presumptuous, but it appears that you lack a belief system. Often Christian kids grow up learning the 10 Commandments and that's how they know what they should not do. "Do not steal." You don't even have to tie it to her mom, just teach her these or the Golden Rule and it will translate. Also, obviously, lead by example.
IMHO facts are the way to go
IMHO facts are the way to go in these situations. The most important fact in a blended family situation is the CO. Kids should be introduced to the facts of the situation in an age appropriate manner. This is IMHO the best way to prepare the kid in order for them to protect themselves from a toxic blended family opposition.
This is the tactic we used with my SS to counter the vitriolic manipulative crap from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
When the Sperm Clan would try to use the kid as a conduit of manipulation we shared the facts with the kid.
e.g.
Yes, your bio dad was married once to a 16yo when he was 26. Yes your bio dad has been arrested several times once for illegally carrying a gun in your diaper bag when you were a baby. His arrest records are in the filing cabinet in the office. No, paying Child Support does not cause your younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs to starve. CS is only $110/mo and your grandparents raise the kids in their home.
This worked well for us. My SS has grown to be a viable self supporting adult and has accomplished at 21yo far more than his Sperm Idiot has accomplished in more than twice that amount of time. With the facts he was able to protect himself from the toxic manipulations of the Sperm Clan while on Sperm Land visitation.
Good luck.