Step son sleeping in his own bed.
First, I am very happily married. My wife and I have both been married before. She has one boy and I have two. Our kids are of similar ages. My issue is this. Her son won't go to sleep unless she lays down with him, he is 8. She often falls asleep with him and then comes to bed sometime later. He will always wake up an hour later and come get in bed w us or pull her back to his room. I love him like my own, but I won't interject myself into this situation. I just want to sleep a whole night next to my wife. My kids go to sleep alone and stay in bed. Any ideas on how I can help improve this situation? I know it is delicate and nothing will change my love for them both, just want to get him to be a little more independent without making him feel like I am stealing his mom.
I am looking for helpful tips
I am looking for helpful tips to offer my wife rather than me having to put my foot down and be the one to end a habit that started long before I was around. I agree, "shitty" habits should not be started but it was and now I'm looking to fix it. If you don't have any advice to offer a reply is not needed.
I have been through hell and
I have been through hell and back trying to teach one of my bios how to fall asleep.
I never slept in his bed or allowed him in mine, so I don't know if any of these tips will help your SS but here's my trial and error.
-Cut out all snacks/sugar after dinner. My kids don't live on junk, but I cut out juice and fruit after dinner for a snack and stuck with things like goldfish, vegetables, water/milk.
-Establish a set bedtime routine with several reminders on time- so if routine is shower, snack, brush teeth etc. At 7:45 I would say, clean up your toys and at 8 you will be getting in the shower, when you are done with the shower you may have your snack. You have 15 minutes etc.
-Try not to deviate more than an hour from bedtime on the weekends or non-school nights
-Use a fan to drown out noise and hopefully keep kid asleep once they do fall asleep
-no electronics or "stimulants" at least a half hour before bed
-Get a cool night light or glow in the dark things for his room
-Have DW read him a bedtime story while laying in his bed. Once the story is over, she gets up and he is left alone to fall asleep. This way you won't be abruptly ending an established thing, but you won't be continuing something that is unhealthy either.
Very helpful! Thanks!!!
Very helpful! Thanks!!!
I want to add that if you
Also, it didn't happen over night. He is now a sound sleeper. My problems were more with him just not wanting to go to bed. So I would put him to bed and he would yell "mommy... can I have water? another pillow? my blanket smells funny? I forgot to tell you what happened today at school, I should brush my tooth again, it's too hot, it's too cold." etc. etc. etc. I would be strict and keep putting him back in his room or just ignore him but nothing worked. When I started implementing the above I would say it took about two weeks. I'm not sure what your visitation with SS is like, but it will probably be more prevalent of a problem on transition days and take longer if he doesn't have consecutive nights at your house.
All of this is great! His
All of this is great! His father has standard, every other weekend visitation. I don't believe his sleep is a problem when he is with his dad. Thanks again!!!
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing Echo....
Unless it's a joint effort, with the wife on board, then nothing will change.
Your advice was make it stop.
Your advice was make it stop. Did you offer advice, no. I didn't feel the need to include a life story bc a reasonable person would be able to comprehend the situation.
Aren't you glad you came her
Aren't you glad you came her for advice, just to get blasted! lol. Please just ignore those type of responses.
AYD..(above poster) has some good advice. But the main thing is to try and get your wife on board with this.
Does she know that you feel this way?
Thank you! We have discussed
Thank you! We have discussed it but I want to offer more to her as a resolution. Her son had medical issues as a baby so she is very protective and I understand. I am not worried about the miserable assholes who troll these forums to crap on other people. Obviously her life is miserable and surely she is the cause. I am thankful for the good advice.
Wow! Some really great
Wow! Some really great advice. Thanks everyone who helped! I have considered some of these. I think a combination of melatonin, positive reinforcement and a firm/consistent approach will get us where we need to be. We are both in agreement that it needs to change but she is largely unsure what's the best approach. She feels guilty bc she has allowed this to happen for so long.
Thanks for the comment and
Thanks for the comment and best of luck to you!
You sound so much nicer that
You sound so much nicer that I am about the situation! I am like Ms. Kaye. SD 10 has anxiety and every fear in enabled by my sucker spouse( really I think she needs meds the poor girl) but can't get my spouse on board with any of it. She is babied and coddled. Always has to be "put in bed", read to, cuddled. Why in the hell is this still happening at 10? Isn't that a bit too old? I have a daughter who is 8. She goes to be on her own. A simple hug and a "goodnight". Yet, she is super mature and well adjusted.
I cringe when the babying goes on. Once in awhile she has come into our bed when she has a bad dream. I hate it. One time I left and slept in the other room. That resulted in a heated argument between my spouse and myself. Eventually we agreed that she can sleep on his side, not in between us. She pushes and was practically sleeping on top of me. I don't like that.
Unlike this nice poster here, I don't think of my SD as my own. Hate to say it, but I just don't. I try to be fair to both of them, treat them equally, teach them the same things. The expectations are different for my daughter. I expect greater things from her. The bar is set real low for my SD and my spouse keeps it that way. AT times there are two sets of rules but so be it. My daughter is easy going and does not care.
I think the onus is on you to
I think the onus is on you to give your bride clarity that she sleeps in the marital bed. PERIOD!!
Routine, assertive discipline regarding SS-8's compliance with the bed time routine, and zero tolerance for anything more than a short story, a kiss on the forehead and a "good night".
I agree with others who have said no evening snacks, no TV after X time, and a nice walk around the block an hour or so before bed time, etc....
It is a rare 8yo has a legitimate issue going to sleep alone. What most 8yo's that exhibit this behavior have is a superiority complex that they lorde over their parents.
It will not be easy but I suggest implementing the suggested routines and adopting a zero tolerance polity towards anything other than in bed and stay there for this 8yo.
Good luck.
As long as your wife coddles
As long as your wife coddles him he will continue to do what he is doing. Let him go to bed alone period. After a couple of nights he will learn to sleep on his own.