Want to disengage but DH won't like it
I've had it with SS. He's been living with us for the past 7 months fulltime and has only seen BM a handful of times. We recently moved across the country with BM's consent to take SS with us. She couldn't handle him and thats why she sent him to live with "his dad" in the first place. Now, living with his dad, means I'm the one raising him, basically.
DH is gone from 6:30am-7pm Monday to SAturday, so he only sees SS and DD for about 1 hr each of those days. I have just started my own business, am going to school part time and have to watch both kids and take care of meals and everything house related. I am stressed beyond anything. SS is a problem child. He has ADHD and possibly a whole assortment of disorders. BM is and was a crappy mother and never really mothered him from birth. She was his "buddy". He does not respect adults, is aggressive and out of control. I am the one that has had to call around for support and help for him for school. I have been the one emailing back and forth with his teacher about lying at school about homework, leaving school property at lunch, hanging out with a bad group of friends, etc. DH shows no initiative when it comes to this stuff. I hate that I'm the one that has to do it. I told DH that he has to look into extra curricular stuff for SS to join because he goes stir crazy after school and when he's like that, he becomes a bad influence on our DD2. When he is home with me, he is constantly in a time out for his bad behaviour.
I cannot deal with his shit anymore. DH is too cheap to put him in after school care and says because I'm home with DD anyways, I can watch SS. But he doesn't get the fact that SS is a 3 year old in a 9 year olds body. He gets into everything, lies and destroys everything. I have recently started ignoring SS because I am just overloaded with work. But just his voice and his presence annoys the shit out of me.
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What makes you think you
What makes you think you should be fully responsible for a child that is so out of control his own mother can't handle him? Did he even ask you before making their child your responsibility, or did he and BM just decide this would be your new life?
yup!
yup!
put your foot down!!! you're
put your foot down!!! you're not free childcare just because you have a dd.
this is unbelievable. tell him deadline for when he needs to have childcare by, then stick to it. when that day comes don't pick ss up from school, etc. get out of the house, don't be available, let your DH handle it. this only works if you follow through, otherwise its just empty promises.
when DH and I moved in together, once he tried to leave to go to a bar to go out with a friend because I was "sleeping anyway." We were fighting at the time and I did not agree for him to go. I was not "free childcare" just because I lived there, so I said under no uncertain circumstances, that if he left me with his children without my consent I would call the police and tell them that he left his children alone. I refused to be forced into providing childcare. He knew I meant it and stayed home. he never tried to pull that crap again.
"Id never pawn my spawn onto
"Id never pawn my spawn onto a SM because I fear she would kill him since she didn't get attached by carrying him for 9 months or see him when he was the most gorgeous baby lol. I have no respect for mothers who just dump their difficult children off on unsuspecting SMs."
You deserve a standing ovation for stating this!!! You are my hero HollowPoints.
WOW Your DH really needs
WOW :jawdrop:
Your DH really needs to pull his weight where his son is concerned. I'd follow Echo's advice. I'd tell him that it going to cost more to pay for his attorney fee's and CS for DD if he doesn't snap out of it.
Is this the arrangement you
Is this the arrangement you agreed to before leaving the state with SS? There seems to be either a misunderstanding or you underestimated the amount of work involved. Best to break it to DH now that this is not working.
I've tried to tell DH
I've tried to tell DH numerous times that I can't handle it anymore. I feel my blood pressure soaring everytime he does anything innappropriate. I have no love, compassion or patience for him anymore. Yes, there are a few times here and there when he can be very sweet, but majoirty of the time, he's the biggest pain in the ass. I'm so sick of him and I have so much resentment. Until I started my own business and school last month, I was the SAHM, so I had to watch both kids and do everything a SAHM does. I wanted to put him in some kind of daycare for before and after school, but DH said if you want to do that then you need to get a job. I didn't think it was fair that I had to get a job just to support SS going to daycare. So we kept him at home. So I am somewhat to blame for this mess too. Although during my SAHM times, I did have a business, I just worked from home, we earned a decent income off of it and it was enough to supplement DH's regular income, but he just didn't want to spend the money he thought was unnecessary to send SS to daycare. DH also says I have a low tolerance for anything related to SS, but in reality, DH doesn't see the need to correct SS for doing most things. For ex. He doesn't see the need for SS to make his bed, clean up his toys, put plate in the sink, sit properly at the table when eating, things like that.
DH wanted custody of SS and now that he's here, I can see that he's a shitty father. He loves them both, but doesn't have the slightest clue how to properly raise them, spend time with them or take care of their daily needs. For ex. SS needs someone to watch over him 24/7 basically, so he doesn't do anything he's not supposed to. But when DH comes home, he eats, goes on the computer for a bit then goes to bed. He goes to bed before SS, so again I'm the one that has to make sure he's in bed. BTW I've stopped telling SS to brush his teeth and shower, and it's been 6 days since the last shower and about 2.5 days since he last brushed his teeth.. This kid is disgusting, but I just don't have the energy anymore. He has no communication with the school, doctors, anything. That is all up to me. He doesn't want to differentiate the 2 kids and figure since they both live here with us, they are both "ours" and I should be able to take care of them both.
Have to agree with Echo on
Have to agree with Echo on this one. Your DH knows exactly what he's doing to you. Also, stop focusing and worrying about SS behavior. Look to the real culprit. Think about this: this man would rather you cultivate hate for his son than take any responsibility. What does THAT say about him?
It's an unfortunate, yet
It's an unfortunate, yet common theme here......Dad's get full custody, then dump the kids on SM.
These ladies are all correct, you would do well to listen to their advice. This is not YOUR responsibility it is your DH's responsibility. Only you can change this situation by speaking up for yourself and your DD.
My advice is to make a plan. Research and find daycare and/or after school care. Present the plan to DH. Places, dates, times. Tell him he has until X date to make arrangements for the little beast. After X date you will NOT pick him up/take him to school, or be his babysitter. If he refuses, take SS to DH's work and drop him off at DH's desk. Only ACTION will motivate this types of men.
I do feel for you, but you do know that you are partly responsible for putting yourself in this situation. Now, take yourself out!
Good luck, keep us posted!
Also, please read Sweet Pea
Also, please read Sweet Pea 128's blogs. She has a situation very similar to yours and she put her foot down! There is a post today with the update.