Step Moms.....Is This My fault....
I am a free spirited person who loves my DH dearly, like every marriage we have ups and downs....here is what i would like comments on...my teenage son, is now exploring "girls" if you know what i mean and am i wrong for asking my husband to take an active roll in talking to him about girls etc etc..i mean my son's BF is not in the picture and i really want my DH to talk to him but the issue is that my DH has told me at times that he has tried to make comments before and during one of these sessions out of frustration i told him not to talk to my son like that and that he is not his real father (i know i was wrong)...my DH is a great father and has done more for my boy than his on father, but i wont lie its hard to hear constructive criticism from him about my son because i feel like its my fault somehow when my son acts up.......i mean my DH provides for him and has taking him to ball games, movies, etc etc but how do i let go and let my DH speak to my son because i feel now that he will say to me that now i want him to be involved, i mean my DH was the one telling me things about my son initially that all turned out to be true, when he was smoking, coming home early from school etc etc, so i was feeling like he was only telling me things about him that were bad but when i look back he was just telling me because he loved my son, ladies what do i do, or do any other step moms have the same issue, how do you let your DH get involved with the step kids........
- MiseryNMissouri's blog
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Wow honey you sound like me
Wow honey you sound like me regarding my son and my DH except my son is 7:) I totally understand where you're coming from!! I hear DH talk to his daughter in a soft,sing songy tone then he reserves his, "businesslike" tone for my son. But yet he provides for him and plays with him and is otherwise wonderful. *gritting teeth* SO FRUSTRATING!!
I'm not sure how to advise you! I've always said that I will talk to my son about everything and anything involving life,girls,sex,etc... I want to be his point of contact for knowledge rather than let a man give the sex talk. I always thought that's what goes wrong with men in the first place
they've got other men teaching them about sex,women,and all that important stuff. I can totally understand if you don't feel comfortable but maybe you and DH can talk to him together?? Plan the conversation ahead of time and rehearse it with DH to make sure you're both on the same page.
I always think my DH is critical of ChooChoo just to show how much better his kid is than mine...but it's such a ridiculous notion I feel immediately awful for thinking it. So you're not alone honey! I still have to bite my tongue when DH is speaking to ChooChoo...I just try to remember the reasons he says the things he says and why he's hard on ChooChoo. He wants him to do well in life and he loves him.
Good luck
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
thanks for the comment, i
thanks for the comment, i have to agree the reason for my DH comments are because he loves my son and i have to sit back and let him speak up and not put a mozzle on him because i know if my DH feels like he can talk to him then i know my son see's it and i dont want him to feel like DH is not interested or also i dont want my son to feel like he can say anything disrepectful to DH...
So you told him to mind his
So you told him to mind his own business and that this wasn't his kid and NOW you want his help? How would you have felt if shoe was on the other foot? After all of the sacrificing and work and sweat making a relationship work with a child that isn't yours to then have your spouse cut your legs out from underneath you and say...thats not your child? News flash ALL stepparents know it's not their child! But there is an old saying...if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck it must be a duck...well if it pays the bills like a dad, and takes care of you like a dad and loves you like a dad...ITS A DAD! Maybe not a bd but a STEPDAD...one that deserves the kids and YOUR respect! And feeling like it's your fault your kid acts up is silly...if you and the BD were still together what would you feel then? Kids act up...they test their boundaries at certain ages to see what they can get away with...that is when a PARENT does what they need to do to get that child back in line. And if you want your DH to be part of your childs life in that way then you should talk to him and let him know this...sounds like he is more than willing to be the type of DAD your child needs. Good Luck!
First, WOW...really harsh
First, WOW...really harsh the way you put all this.
She was wrong in doing the whole, "he's not your son" thing. BUT, I'm sorry to tell you that a lot of stepfathers are too harsh on their stepsons for various reasons. She may not want her husband's brand of discipline with her child but she would like him to be involved to a certain extent on some subjects. As a step parent we are not guaranteed a full parental free-for-all in our spouse's child. That's just the way it is and that's why most of us struggle with our role. Her husband needs to be accepting of this if he loves her and her son.
It's rude to tell her it's "silly" for her to think her son's issues are her fault.Unless you've blogged with her before and have built up a joking relationship with her, it's wrong to tell her that her feelings are silly. I'm sure she'd feel the exact same way if she was with BD and having these issues with her son. I can speak this because I have felt this way a time or two myself.
the ideal would be for her to speak reasonably with her husband and explain to him that there are certain things she would like him to handle and she would like them handled a certain way...the boy is HER child so she has a right to request that her husband understand that she wants to handle things differently than his traditional way of handling things. Just like MY husband handles my stepchild differently than I handle my own son and we have to respect this difference. This is a typical man response, "let him do it his way or don't bother asking for him to help you later..." This train of thought sucks. Sorry. It just sucks. That's like telling someone, "I'm going to love you the way I want to love and not worry about how you want to be loved." It doesn't work like that.
She definitely has to make amends for bringing up the "not your child" mess...and hopefully he'll understand she needs his help right now with this particular issue but maybe not so much on other issues.
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
i hear you and you are right
i hear you and you are right about walking, talking and acting like a dad...i didnt think of it that way, because i feel that my son see's that my DH bites he tongue and if i want my child to respect my DH then i cant just let my DH be a dad when things are good..because yes you are right he does pay the bills and keeps a rough over our heads...i guess i would feel stupid if my DH said okay you want me out of this then tell his real dad to send over the bill money etc etc...its just hard you know, but he isnt telling my son anything that he doesnt need to hear...
" ...how do i let go and let
" ...how do i let go and let my DH speak to my son because i feel now that he will say to me that now i want him to be involved?"
You have to make a choice. Do you want him to be involved or do you not? If you want him to talk to your son about girls, then you need to walk up to him, apologize for resisting his involvement, and tell him it won't happen again. And you need to mean it, and do it.
If you don't want his help in this way, EXCEPT for this talk about girls, then you don't have a right to ask this. It's not his job, and you're setting him up for failure if, during this talk, he learns something you should know and tries to tell you. Apparently, he has tried to help you in this way in the past. It's not right to expect him to do this anymore. If you feel like he's criticizing you when he offers you constructive criticism about your son, that's your issue to deal with, not his. If you can't control that reaction, then don't set your husband up like that. Don't ask for his involvement at all.
All or nothing. Any less and you are disrespecting your H.
UCSM (BB)
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
i agree and that is what my
i agree and that is what my DH said, that he is good enough to provide financially for my child just not good enough to call him on his "you know what".....i hear you...
BBB some interesting
BBB some interesting comments you made...you used the word harsh...well all I did was use the words that Misery used toward her husband. I also never mentioned a brand of discipline at all...and neither did she which makes me wonder if the experiences you had with your dh is what made you bring this up. (i'm of the mindset that both parents biological or otherwise should come up with rules and guidelines that are enforced)And while I certainly agree we are not granted a parental free for all as a step parent, God knows many of us know this or don't even want that responsibility, the rules of my house are simple and are to be followed...and that goes for everyone child, stepchild, dog, cat, etc LOL. Now since I am new at this I will say that I did not mean to belittle or characterize negatively someones feelings by saying they were silly...that truly was not my intention so I apologize. But where did this come from...This is a typical man response, "let him do it his way or don't bother asking for him to help you later..." I'm assuming you meant what Misery was saying about her husband because I made no reference to that at all...if anything I think what I was trying to convey is that it seems she has the type of husband who is willing and able to help in the way she needs to be helped and should relay that information to him so they can BOTH work on a plan of action!...curious to see what your thoughts are about UCSMs response, since she's not a man but seems to have that "typical man" train of though LOL...
I don't know why you struck
I don't know why you struck me as harsh...you just did. Maybe it was how it was presented. No understanding for the blogger at all...just a statement of what you saw wrong in her actions. I can't tell anyone how to blog or respond, I just know as a blogger it's more comforting to know that even though someone disagrees with a bloggers actions and words, they can still understand some of it and give advice on how to fix it. I suppose that's why I thought you were harsh or should I say Abrupt.
The part about typical man response is basically what I got from what you posted...it had a tone that spoke to me in a very, "his way or no way" color.
At the end of your blog I got your message better in trying to get Misery to see her husband has tried to help in the past and she needs to talk to him but before that it just seemed like you were chastising her for her feelings and frustration. I don't know. Maybe i just read you wrong...
And I KNEW I'd get commented on for the "typical man" response. Poor word choice on my part.
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
LOL Bravo BBB I like the
LOL Bravo BBB I like the fact that you can entertain a thought provoking conversation without it leading to a disagreement where the message is lost in banter...the important thing is that no one posting here will have the right or best way to say things completely, but it helps to know that everyone that does post can have a conversation and point out things that may or may not have been misconstrued and talk about it like adults...and you had to know you were gonna get it for the "typical man" response...lol
Trust me I've had my little
Trust me I've had my little typing fingers bashed for lots of things I've said...I'd never get anything done if I let comments turn into fighting online. Besides...you seem mostly level headed (for a man)---had to throw that one in }:) I may need to use you some day for advice or perspective
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
LMAO...for a man I love it!
LMAO...for a man I love it! I'll take that as a compliment! I don't want to bash fingers btw...commuication is key and I think most of the problems that couples have when it comes to their relationship and families...
Yup...communication...it's
Yup...communication...it's the hardest part of a relationship. Living together is easy,making love is too good to be true, communication is like tippin through hell in shoes that are 5 sizes too big with bells on them...and trying not to wake the devil, it takes lots of practice
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
I take that back...honest
I take that back...honest communication, because there have been many times where my spouse and I have "communicated" only to have her tell me "well I know thats what I said, but what I meant was..." lol i'm sure everyone knows what i'm talking about
*slowly raising hand*
*slowly raising hand* guilty. but so is my husband so I don't feel so terrible
so yeah HONEST communication is key. I like honest communication but I don't respond well to "brutally" honest communication from my husband...I prefer that he wraps his honesty in a nice candy coated shell so I can get it without getting all bunged up thinking, "oh he's so insensitive!!! *weepy sob*"
i get my sensitive man, he still gets to tell me how he feels. It's a total win win.
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
LOL couldn't tell about the
LOL couldn't tell about the brutal honesty thing
lmao...this is going to be very therapeutic and fun lol
~Always forgive your
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
Getting back to the original
Getting back to the original post... I'm curious as to why you can't talk to your own son about girls and sex? I guess I'm just different but there is NO TOPIC off limits between me and perfectson. I have followed him through the house telling him things about girls and sex and what-have-you with him covering his ears and trying not to listen! LOL! I wouldn't dream of having DH try to talk to him about those topics!!
Exactly Wicked! I totally
Exactly Wicked! I totally feel the same way about my son. He can barely talk to his dad or anyone else about his feelings except for me so I can't see relying on someone else to do the girl talk thing with him. It's funny, perfectson is so much older than choochoo but your relationship with him reminds me of my relationship with choochoo
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
I hope you're as lucky
And he's never been afraid to talk to me about ANYTHING! I know on any given weekend which kid is at what party and which ones were having sex, etc.... I swear the key is to never REACT when you're told something they think will shock you. No matter how bad it does shock me I keep a poker face and actually talk about it. It's worked so far!
i can talk to him about sex
i can talk to him about sex and i have, i was just using that as an example for letting my DH be involved....i mean i was just trying to say that i have told DH that i didnt want he to comment on my son because i really take it wrong and feel bad when my DH is trying to provide guidance for him....so its not really all wrap up in the sex thing i just used that as it is the latest example.....
Its hard not to get
Its hard not to get defensive when someone says anything even remotely negative about your kid. My DH is my son's stepdad too, and I did struggle with this for a little while. But I realized that I have to let my DH be a dad the way he sees fit, and not assume that his opinions would be different if he only shared his blood. My DH does have the best intentions, and I had to learn to trust that and not take it as a strike against my parenting. All parents deal with problems with their child. And the best part is, if you let your DH be a 100% parent, then you have the right to feel that any screw ups the kid makes also reflect on him, not just you!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
You and me both, Wicked. My
You and me both, Wicked. My ex and I were in the room talking to our daughters about PMS, "Aunt Flo" and the act of sexual intercourse (which doesn't always mean making love!)...Anyway, some of my friends get totally embarassed by talking about natural body functions. Use the anatomical terms, and it becomes a science lesson. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Can you tell I used to homeschool my daughters? (i.e. science lesson!)
So I think, for the original poster, BOTH of you should be in the room and have the sex talk with your son. Just in case you can't answer certain questions, your husband can jump right in with the answers, or all of you can explore the answer online as a family and ALL learn the correct answer, instead of guessing.
~*~Cheer up! It could be worse.
I cheered up, & it got worse!~*~
Does your DH WANT to have
Does your DH WANT to have that type of bond with your son? Is son responsive toward your DH? Perfectson17 could pretty much care less what my DH thinks most of the time. He is a mama's boy through and through. DH and I have VERY different parenting styles also. I did once have to pull the 'he's my son not yours' card on DH..... from that experience we learned that DH could help me parent MY way and I would help him parent HIS way or else it wouldn't work at all. One more reason we decided it was best we never had an 'ours'!