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Birthday party, why you should share

Amazedstepmom's picture

Submitted by Amazedstepmom on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 4:00pm

I have read so many posts on here about why you should never have a combined birthday party, and I can now tell you why you should
It's about the kids....not you, not BM, not dh....the kids are what matters.

2years ago I hosted a great party for my bd, had about 30 kids, family and friends to my home. Her dad declined to come. He would be uncomfortable, he wouldn't feel right....
Nowhere did he decide to think about our daughter and her feelings and how she would feel knowing that her dad chose to miss her party.
Fast forward to now, dad invited for get together for younger daughter which includes very close friends of both ours. Dad declined. Older daughter heard him and the deep anger and resentment came out.

I held my little girl as she cried because she didn't want her sister hurt like she was.

Now I get in some cases the relationship is too hostile for this, but many cases it's not.

Bottom line, get over yourself and think about the kids. The kids who didn't ask to have 2 homes, a sm and sd, etc.

Vent over, it just broke my heart for my daughter. I explained it would be uncomfortable, it's his decision, he took her to dinner, etc.

Comments

JustAgirl42's picture

Submitted by JustAgirl42 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 9:10pm

LOL!

farting_glitter's picture

Submitted by farting_glitter on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 4:19pm

"get over yourself and think about the kids"

WHEW!...I'm so glad you told me......I had NO idea.....*insert complete total smartass face here*

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 4:21pm

I have to agree. Separate birthday parties. And I'm fine with my ex - but he has his own house/family/friends and can celebrate there. We don't need to pretend for our kid's sake.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 4:23pm

Meh. My DH told his kids he wouldn't be doing joint anything with their mother. Subsequently, there was no surprise when he didn't. They don't need therapy. It's all good.

farting_glitter's picture

Submitted by farting_glitter on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 4:26pm

WHAT?????....no therapy?....wth......... }:)

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 5:38pm

Liquid therapy is a WHOLE 'nother matter. It's the way I got through the Skid Visit of 2009.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 5:44pm

I THOUGHT that was you sitting at the next table over! Were you on your 5th margarita as well?

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 4:36pm

But then she couldn't tell the kiddies sorry daddy doesn't want to spend time with you.

The facts are you are divorced. There are two families, two households & the children should know there is no hope of their parents getting back together ... to not make sure they are prepared for the facts of life & divorce. Now that is cruel.

Missmozzer's picture

Submitted by Missmozzer on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 5:54pm

Yes simifan my parents are still dragging crap out... (I'm waaay older than my younger siblings) and by doing that it gives them false hope. I always say I wish they would just go through with the divorce, actually, I wish they would have years ago. I'm so tired of the fake family crap. Bluk

Missmozzer's picture

Submitted by Missmozzer on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 5:51pm

Yes.... Speaking of awkward, I come from a split home and HATE joint events with both parents. It's awkward. Always has been. I won't go into the details of why, but it is. We always throw sd a party here, with his fam. It works out fine, no need for any weirdness just for the sake of "bringing everyone together" :sick:

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 4:31pm

Actually did this for the first time this year. We have been divorced 10 years. There is only ONE reason I did it though. My daughter invited her ENTIRE softball team over, and that's it. No school friends, no church friends, just her softball team. Her dad is the coach. The parents always hang out when we have parties at our house. I felt obligated.

Luckily... my ex and I get along well. AND, my DH and my ex get along well. They were playing ping pong and having a beer when all the other parents showed up.

In general, I vote AGAINST a joint party, even though I did it. Yup, I am THAT kind of hypocrite. }:) Sue me. Blum 3

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 5:29pm

BSgoinon - by joint party....did you mean??? Oh wait....I get it now...

Never mind....

Putting down my doobie.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 4:36pm

I think it can work if none of the core adults involved are psychos and can all be adults. When I say core adults I include SPs. It is good for the kids to see all the core adults get along.

If any of the core adults are psychos and/or will wind up in a dispute with another core adult, then it seems like a bad idea.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 6:21pm

Shaman has a recipe for chocolate martinis that is a bit different than mine. In the end, you mix booze that tastes like chocolate with booze that warms your cockles going down. I'm about ready to stick Oreos in the blender with vodka and vanilla ice cream just to see what happens. Except it's only 3:30 here, and I still have to pickup DD in a couple of hours. Bullocks.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 6:57pm

Forget the freaking chocolate martinis!

I'll take one of your oreo shakes!

And it's nearly 5pm for me right now.

farting_glitter's picture

Submitted by farting_glitter on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 5:06pm

all together now......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......no.....

Generic's picture

Submitted by Generic on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 5:57pm

There are many parents who can put aside their "stuff" for an hour or so to be, if only for a moment, a family for their child. Birthdays, Holidays. It can be done.

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 6:03pm

Sure, but obviously her ex-husband isn't one of them. So why keep making this happen? Have to agree I feel a little niggle in my mind that she's setting the dad up to look like a jerk in her kid's eyes.

Generic's picture

Submitted by Generic on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 6:18pm

Yeah- I agree. Those kinds of arrangements should only be made way in advance and only if everyone is on the same page. It's definitely not something you spring on the kids at the last minute. Setting up a kid for certain disappointment is quite cold. I assume that wasn't the intention.

Generic's picture

Submitted by Generic on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 6:43pm

If there's a parent prone to toxicity, hysteria, drama, then a joint birthday party is out if the question. In fact, that would be the least of problems. Positive experiences can be had and I think they are worth attempting. Sometimes the negative scenarios are all we read about here. (Which is why it's a vent site )

JustAgirl42's picture

Submitted by JustAgirl42 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 10:40pm

It's not always a good thing to have everyone together even if they get along. As a kid, I remember being very uncomfortable when my divorced parents were at the same place at the same time. Sad

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 6:05pm

Probably should have stayed together "for the children" if you're gonna try to pretend to be a happy family anyway.

Generic's picture

Submitted by Generic on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 6:28pm

It's really not pretending to be a happy family. Trust me, most children are aware that their family is anything but happy. IMO there is no reason why two adults cannot give the child a couple of hours a year the comfort of their whole and present family.

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Sat, 02/01/2014 - 12:08am

But their family ISN'T whole. That's what everyone keeps pointing out. Why pretend that it is??

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 6:32pm

Trust me, SD did not want her BM and my DH in the same room. She's not bright but she was smart enough to know that.

My sister and her ex did birthdays, Christmas, and all kinds of crap together when my nephew was young and it worked for them. Her exes parents were also divorced and re-married and they all came to the birthday parties, also. Everybody got along, so yes, it can be done.

But BM is a special kind of crazy, so... no.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Sat, 02/01/2014 - 12:25am

If your going to do that, then you'd have to be fair and get the ex to invite all their friends and family too I'd think.
It's unreasonable to expect the ex to feel comfortable around your family and friends.
You would also make sure the kids weren't anywhere nearby when this is discussed.
And I wonder how the older girl knew that her dad had refused to come to her party and was crying because she didn't want her sister to be hurt the same way. The person who told that child her father refused to come is the person who broke her heart. The person who tells the younger one her father refused to come is also the person who will break her heart. Not her father.

Dolphin's picture

Submitted by Dolphin on Sat, 02/01/2014 - 8:00am

Talking from someone who suggested they (BM and FDH) do the birthday party together...it's a horrible idea and unnessary drama! The child rather have two separate events then sit through one where the parents argued over every last aspect of the party until an hour before. The child has to realize that their parents are divorced and lead separate lives ... IMO

Considering Cohabitation's picture

Submitted by Considering Coh... on Sat, 02/01/2014 - 3:17pm

It CAN be done but as PP have stated, all adults involved have to be non-psycho and all on the same page. Smile

We had FSD7 bday party at our house this year (FH and BM have always done combined bday parties for her since they split up). We invited BM, her BF, her daughter from a previous relationship, her family (mom, dad, SM, sister, BILs and kids), and FHs family (mom, SD, dad, sisters, BILs and kids). FSD had a wonderful day and enjoyed having her whole family around. Luckily BM and I get along very well and I get along well with her family as well. I have met them on a couple of occasions previously (dance recitals, etc.).

We have a display up in the kitchen that has items on it that FSD has made. One of them was a picture that read "I love you, daddy and CC". I had forgotten it was there until BMs mother and sister both commented on it and said how good it made them feel to know that FSD has a FSM that loves her and that she feels comfortable expressing love to.

It's do-able.