Question for Bio Fathers With Problem Adult Daughters
This is more for the benefit of my SO but have any of you bio-fathers (or SM's with biodad husbands) felt it necessary to "disengage" to a certain degree with your adult biodaughter as a result of their behavior towards YOU specifically?
Summary: My SO has 3 biokids, one of which is a 19 yr old daughter (20 in a week actually). As a result of her mother's Golden Uterus complex as well as extreme narcissism, SD19 and her father have a very strained relationship. PAS is definitely advocated by her mother. I have been dating (now engaged) my SO for 4 1/2 yrs and been through a lot and seen a lot. SD19 is a lot like her BM, selfish and narcissistic and manipulative. She was friends with SO for a while when we were first dating but then began to "flip" to BM's side. SD19 has been in therapy when she was in high school after a suicide threat and my SO faithfully attended with her on his time with her but it eventually became a bash Dad session and he had enough. Even the therapist conceded that SD cannot be friends with both parents at once and feels it necessary to constantly play them off each other.
SD19 hates me because I refuse to allow her to disrespect her father in my presence. I have called her out on it to her face and she now uses me as an additional excuse to alienate her dad who has tried hard to be loving and keep in contact. I am totally disconnected from her (also because she uses my youngest daughter as a living doll when it suits her needs and then blows the little girl off when she isnt using her to impress a boyfriend). His texts, emails and calls are ignored or given monosyllabic responses. She used us for a while off and on to try and impress her many boyfriends and I finally had enough of her playing games and using us and I stopped it. She is lazy and unfocused on her future and makes poor choices regarding money and how she treats people but no drinking or drugs or criminal activities thank God.
She has always been her mother's pet and was used as a sounding board even before the divorce. Her mother uses her as a girlfriend and tells her inappropriate things about her relationships. Now suddenly BM is slowly realizing the monster she created. BM has never supported the relationship between SO and SD. She keeps telling him it's his problem not hers. SD continually rips on her father behind his back to her mother as well as BM's doofus boyfriend and the other two biokids (they tell us about it all the time). SD is also enabled by my SO's mother (her grandmother) but that's a whole nother story.
SO and I got in a heated discussion yesterday. He is constantly talking to SD about medical insurance over the last two months and warning her that his insurance wont keep her on unless she is a student (this is according to his HR at work). She of course is blowing off what classes she has taken and wants to move in with her latest boyfriend (of 4 months) outside of district and isnt signed up for any college classes at all. He has talked to her about this like seven times and I am tired of hearing about it. I finally snapped and went off last night telling him that she is an ADULT, says she is, claims she knows everything (she is very immature for her age however), and doesnt want his help or advice and hasnt for years. She only contacts him for money or if she wants something - only real financial tie is he has some funds saved for her college tuition only in a 529 account and once it's depleted, that's it. He actually got a Merry Christmas text because he gave her a gift. No Happy Birthday or Happy Father's Day this year however.
I told him that it was time for him to emotionally disengage and stop allowing her to treat him like shit. Yes, she is his biokid and his first child. I dont want him to cut contact or not be there for her if she truly and legitimately needs him. But at the same time, if this was not a blood relative, her behavior would not warrant any of us staying in her life. He needs to begin the cutting of the cord and stop worrying about proving himself a good father. He is an excellent dad and has two other great kids to show for it as well as how he is with my three biokids who adore him and consider him a second father.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh. Please, any insight into this that any biodads dealing with selfish ADULT kids would be very helpful. Any SM's that have SO's or DH's dealing with this as well, please, your input is greatly appreciated as well.
I get the feeling some men
I get the feeling some men would look at this situation from a totally different perspective. Some guys just want to create the feeling of two women fighting over them. It makes them feel special. So they treat the daughter like a wife and they treat the wife like she is a child. They then sit back and enjoy the ensuing fight. Only stopping to add fuel to the fire!
Good point but I will say my
Good point but I will say my SO isnt like that. Hell, I won't go for that, LOL.
My husband has 2 daughters (2
My husband has 2 daughters (2 ex-wives), I will start with the oldest.
She has been estranged from my husband since she was a child, very long story.
He has tried and tried over the years to have a relationship with her but unless she is getting something out of it, she wanted nothing to do with him. The final straw was when she was having her 3rd child, her BF called my DH to let him know, and SD was in the background calling my husband every foul name she could think of.
About a 6 mo to a year later, she called him and he told her he didn't appreciate what she had done. She tried to come up with an excuse and when that didn't work, tried to put a guilt trip on him about the past. That pretty much did it for him. He was done and we haven't heard from her since and he won't go chasing her. I am sure she will crawl back out of the woodwork at some point but I do not worry that he will be sucked in. He has finally been hurt enough by her.
The other daughter, SD22, he talks to all of the time but he has learned to keep himself somewhat emotionally detached, as she tries to use and manipulate him. Her BM has told her several serious lies over the years, which led to SD stopping her EOWE visitations when she was about 15/16. They were very close at one time but BM was determined to change that - and she did.
He loves her, he worries about her (she is very immature and not real bright) but he knows she lies a lot, she tries to get money out of him, and she lives with BM, who he refuses to have anything to do with.
So, I would say he is disengaged from SD25 and partially disengaged from SD22. He will not allow himself to be used and manipulated so he keeps his guard up. It's not always easy for him but he knows he has to for self-preservation. He tries to give SD22 advice and direction but it does no good so he just lets it go when she doesn't listen to him. Of course, then she ends up in a bind but that is her problem.
Like your SO, my husband has always worried about being a good father. I have been with him for 17 years, since SD22 was 5, and I KNOW he is a good father. He just had kids with the wrong women.
SD22 sees how my husband is with our niece and she is very jealous. But she (with BM's help) is the one who sabotaged her relationship with her dad.
If you want you can check out
If you want you can check out my bookmarks. I have all my posts in there and a lot of them speak of how DH disengaged before I even did on our SD19. He let her go, her drug issue and the way she treated us as parents was too much for him to deal with any more. I had a harder time letting go mainly because she was considered my daughter too during the majority of her growing up. Also she is pregnant. DH has grown so hardened by how she has damaged our family and caused so much chaos in our lives that he even let the fact that she is pregnant go. It was not to be an ass either, she was already using the child as a pawn in her plan. He knows that his first grandchild will be used for SD to get what ever she wants and to continue to treat him like dirt. This didn't come easy for him, I saw my husband hurt through out this and never want to see him go through that again or myself or our bio daughters. She did this, not us.
Wow - I'm so sorry both of
Wow - I'm so sorry both of you had to deal with that
I had a great relationship with both of my parents and I just dont see how some kids can treat their parents (well, deserving parents at any rate) like crap. It sounds like your husband did what he needed to do to preserve his own sanity as well as his relationship with you and the rest of the family. Some may not agree but I think that takes a lot more courage than to continue to be a doormat or whipping post for a biokid.
Thank you for what you said.
Thank you for what you said. It was the hardest thing we have ever faced in our lives and I have been through a tough life but this one, this hit our hearts and our sanity hard. Plus the sake of our little girls. We just couldn't do it anymore. All we can do now is pray that she learns and really does change. We haven't seen it yet and I have a feeling we may never.
Thank you again for
Thank you again for everyone's post - I really appreciate the feedback and the personal testimonials. I am grateful for your time and thoughtfulness. I have a lot to think about and so does SO.
Its good that you share with
Its good that you share with your SO about this site. I share with my DH and he has learned a lot from this site. Mostly he got to see what we really went through in my writing.
I was subjected to the
I was subjected to the parental alienation of my son by my ex-wife and at his 14th birthday informed my ex that he did not have to continue visitation with me. He had made it clear he did not want to visit.
I had realized its impossible to fight a ex-wife who has the kids 12 out of 14 days.
I stopped all contact, not even a birthday card, and waited about a decade for him to grow up and realize he was being manipulated by his mother which eventually he did.
To my surprise my younger son didn't buy into his mothers alienation and I continued a relationship with him to this very day. There has to come a time when one realizes that his or her begging a offspring only makes the offspring more likely to continue the behavior. Conversely by cutting off contact all that power is taken away from the offspring and the ex and in time the child will often seek out reconciliation. This may take a decade or more but its usually worth the wait.
Oh hell yes I have disengaged
Oh hell yes I have disengaged big time. My fiancé basically fathered a child with a narcassistic bitch. I am not jealous of the BM at all ~ flat out she is beautiful on the outside ~ she is perfect for the eye. She was a bikini & lingerie model. I am however ~ not at all like her. I am nice in the eyes but my personality n genuinely nice. I give people the benefit of the doubt n I believe their are three sides to every story.
My fiancé has one daughter 20 ~ BM was a short time relationship that ended with an unplanned pregnancy. They broke up a month before she found out ~ came back hoping to have him want to build a family with her. Ummmm but that was not the case at all ~ she was pregnant n alone until the daughter was born. BM n daughter moved in with him n they were off n on for 7 years ~ he struggled with his daughter a absence in his life. It was hurting him ~ I don't think he could take not seeing her daily but oh did he forget that BM came with that packaged deal. During their living together he out her through school n he sacfriced not taking promotions to take care of the child.
According to fiancé ~ their fights were vicious ~ I have never experienced his viciousness in our last 5 years of being together. I am sure the daughter has seen it all. BM constantly accused him of cheating on him ~ which I can promise you he didn't. She was the ultimate spin doctor we call her ~ unbelievably irrational n manipulative. Acts like a teenager she is 8 years younger than him. He was promiscuous n she knew this cause of how he approached her. I think her issue is ~ she is completely insecure , n a narcassist.
The twister in the whole thing ~ is when I was 21 ~ I met him while I was home for the summer of college. We have a completely tangled web we weave ~ so many unbelievable connection. Our summer was unbelievable ~ the best part was the sexual tension n we waited n waited. We formed a terrific friendship ~ everything can easy. While I was in college he sent me cookies while I was taking finals. He is the sweetest.
After college ~ we went our different way ~ I married in 92 n he was going to be a father in 94. After I had my first child we spoke for about 10 minutes on the phone ~ when his gf ( who eventually turned out to be BM) ~ called me at my job n threatened me to never speak to her bf. Territorial gf = psycho
Fast forward to 2009 ~ my husband passed away n somehow he found out n we reconnected back on friend totally on a friendship level. He is honestly my best friend through n through. At this time his daughter was 15 ~ I think she liked that her father had a friend. He was involved with other woman since his married dissolved in 2004 but those relationship to him were extremely shallow ( his words not mine). When SD told BM that Dad has a gf n that her name was "x" n she lived in "y" ~ BM put it together n figured in was me. So I can only imagine what bs lies BM told about me to the daughter.
I have 4 children ( when moved back to my home town after my husband passed) ~ in 2010 we moved in together. His daughter was great with it n so was BM. We were parenting together ~ keeping everyone on the same page. Until I made the biggest mistake of my life n basically judged BM's parenting skills ( righteously so ) BM would corner my fiancé w question n he would give his honest answer but that answer wasn't the right one for BM.
The daughter has been caught doing drugs, lying, stealing, pitting parents against each other for her own personal gain. Caught cutting my screens in my home ~ caught having sex on school property. Oh the list could go on. The last straw was 3 weeks b4 her bday ~ she started to feel uncomfortable in our home n frankly could careless. I waited up for her to come home when she was out ~ but she began to start a divide in my home. She was harassing n bullying my daughter in school ~ which I was not tolerating at all. Fiancé tried to speak to her about if but daughter was offended that her took my side on the whole thing. After all she is the apple that feel off BM's tree. She called n wanted her bday $ n wanted her dad to meet her to give her the $ I think this is when he realized all he was to her was an ATM. She came here n destroyed my daughters bedroom n told him on her way out that she would never step foot in this house again. ( I was not home for this event ) I didn't comment when I found out ~ I let him vent n boy oh boy did he vent. Everything I had been saying to my friends came out of his mouth.
My point to him was ~ she is consistently disrespectful I can not afford to have this crap around my children. This is my only home for my kids n I will not sacfrice my kids to give your daughter another chance.
Since those event he has made 2 or more attempt in repairing this relationship ~ he apologized to her for what I am not really sure. The last time I think he got some headway but currently she is still not permitted in my home for obvious reason. He can have a relationship with her outside of our home.
To me ~ she's a train wreck ~ she cares about nothing but her self ~ what can she gain from a relationship if nothing. If it's not worth it ~ it's cut off. I could care less !!!
It kills him I m sure but my kids treat him well. They adore him. They respect him. They hurt for him ~ because she has a father in the here n now ~ n refusing to spend time with him. What my kids would do for 5 minutes with there Daddy.
Sorry for the War n Peace novel but background was important.
There is a book called "It's
There is a book called "It's all your fault"...got it on amazon...great explanation for some of the craziness...