Jealous of Husband's Relationship with Stepson and Ex
I've been married for 1.75 years (my first, his 2nd). My husband has a son that is 7. We get him every other weekend and several days a week (you could say its 50/50 with the Mother).
Is this normal?
1. Outside of the every other weekend, my husband doesn't plan ahead with his ex wife on what days belong to who...I just get a notification from my husband on my iPhone that we will/not have my SS on whatever night - it can be a total surprise. I'm mad that he doesn't collaborate with me and just tells me when without regard to my plans or needs to be with him as well (as mentioned my first marriage). Is this normal? Do I just need to get over it? I'm so mad that my feelings aren't considered.
2. My husband still assists his very needy ex wife with chores around her house. Although I'm happy he helps her, I'm also angry that he won't tell me about before hand (I find out after I ask him where he's been for 2-4 hours at a shot without picking up his phone/texts). I'm very independent and just do stuff myself (I owned a house before so I just figure out how to be handy or hired it), so I don't understand "Damsel in Distress" mentality. I don't think anything is going on between them when he's over there, but it is shady that he won't tell me prior to him assisting her - if nothing is going on, why not be upfront about it?
3. My stepson doesn't listen to me and makes it a point to put his body physically between me and his father (at restaurants, on the couch, etc). He has begun asking why his mom and dad don't live together and has said he hates me/wants me to move out, etc. This has made it very difficult from the beginning to even try to get close to him. When I do ask him to do things, he just starts to cry ("Please go pick up your room."...he starts to cry and goes to his dad like I'm torturing the kid.) Occasionally, I'll get interrogated by my husband as to why I made SS cry. My husband has said he doesn't trust me with SS because he knows that I am not close to him. I believe my husband thinks I say terrible things to SS to make him cry - even though he knows first hand that the kid is manipulative and will cry and pitch a fit to get his way.
I've given up - whenever he is around, I just do my own thing. I remove myself from the situation. I get reprimanded for getting after SS when he throws fits or acts like an idiot in public. I have no parental control at all so I just remove myself from the situation which does nothing for my marriage or relationship with SS.
4. Related to #3: My husband will be sarcastic with me in front of him so I believe SS believes that I have no power in this house so he can run all over me as well.
I moved far away from my family and friends to a brand new town (met my husband while he was travelling for work) so I have very little local support staff. My husband and I both are attending therapy to try to work together through this new family situation.
I'm very independent and often think, "What the hell did I get myself into?". Is this normal? How do work through this? I don't want to damage the kid or my marriage by physically or mentally removing myself from our lives together. I feel like I'm stuck because we haven't made progress in any of these areas...when do you know it's time to 'cut bait' and just remove yourself permanently? I don't want a divorce but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle so I want to prepare myself for the worst. Or should I just refuse to quit and keep beating my head against the wall even though it seems like my husband and step son are not going to change?
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No it's not normal. Your
No it's not normal.
Your husband is still emotionally married to his ex if not physically.
Now: If you can't live with that (and I sure as hell would not) then do what any self respecting woman would do: get the hell out before they drive you into a bottle (be it alcohol or pills).
He needs to stop offering
He needs to stop offering assistance to his ex. He's probably doing that, though, for fear his son will go without. Nobody wants that. But if the child's going without, or starts to, then he should pursue a change in custody. Not being the go-to guy for BMs home problems.
As for his son, it's great that he's close with him. But he needs to end ss trying to sit between you. I think he needs to ask ss how he'd feel if he (dh) sat between him and a friend he had over.
As for answering why mom and dad don't live together? There are tons of articles on the web to help with that.
Also, check out meetup.com.
Also, check out meetup.com. That's a great site. You can find groups of people that share similar interests in your area and meet up with them in real life.
The bottom line is: your
The bottom line is: your husband does not respect you. It is apparent in every one of your points.
I won't even get into him being at BM's house for hours at a time without telling you and without answering your calls.
My husband still assists his
My husband still assists his very needy ex wife with chores around her house
I would flip my shit and what you are dealing with is NOT normal. To some extent it is... BM intrusion, skid acting out, daddy coming to the rescue, etc... but what you are dealing with is way over the top of the "normal" skid/BM crap.
What I see are two major problems... your DH spending wayyy too much time with BM which is giving skid (and possibly BM) a false illusion that there is a "hope" that you will go away. Your DH is also reducing you to toddler status in your own home, by questioning you and being sarcastic to you in front of skid. Totally NOT cool.
Are you sure he's spending
Are you sure he's spending all that time with BM? If he's seeing someone else, he may be using mom as his cover story..
1. Did you talk to your DH
1. Did you talk to your DH about the fact that the up in the air schedule is not acceptable to you? That you would like some order to your life? If not you need to immediatly. You have a right to a life and knowing what is going on and not have things dropped on your at the last minute.
2.And this is going to be unpopular but I am going to tell you from my own experience. Do not disrupt Mom and Dad's Mojo. Have you talked to your DH about the fact that you dont mind him doing things for her but you would like to know prior how long he will be there and when? Otherwise it feels sneaky and underhanded and you dont deserve to feel like that nor do you want to.
3. This is advice we got about SD16. SD 16 thought she was the other adult in my house at 16 she made the statement that she was glad my kids were at their Dad's for the weekend and it was nice to be "just the adults home" to which I reminded her she was not another adult in my marriage or my house. The counselor she was seeing made mention of her thinking she was another adult in our home and told DH to make a concertered effort to sit next to me at dinner, in the living room, when walking. He did it for about 2 weeks I saw a shift and then DH stopped. Unless your Hubby is willing to put in the work with this one, it will never change and only get worse
Sounds to me like you have a communcation problem here. While you are sitting around wondering if your crazy (ive been there and done this) or if this is normal I can assure you all three issues are normal. Sounds like it will be a long session at the therapist the last time. OPEN YOUR MOUTH
DO NOT DISRUPT THEIR MOJO
DO NOT DISRUPT THEIR MOJO :jawdrop:
WTF
The man is married. The only person he should have a mojo with is his wife.
OP please don't believe what you're dealing with is normal, it isn't. No woman should have to tell her husband that she is uncomfortable with him spending hours playing Mr.Fix It with another women. Men may play dumb, but they really aren't. They are pros at sniffing out women they can walk over.
I'm 100% sure he knows what he's doing is wrong. But since he doesn't respect his wife, he will continue to do it as long as he can.
On 1. I think you are going
On 1. I think you are going to have to learn to deal with this one. This used to annoy me too, (before a CO was put into place). In my case, the more my SS spends with me and DW and the less with he spends with his negligent prick of a father I consider it a good thing. Yes, my SS can be annoying and he does have tendency to sap the fun out of any plans I make, but I learned very quickly to not make plans etched in stone if you know what I mean.
On 2. Unless your husband's ex-wife is an invalid - actually you know what? - Not even then. That is definetly not normal! Your husband should not be in any way obligated to help his ex-wife to do stuff around her house whatsoever.
On 3. Yeah, this is normal behavior for a CDP. They learn very quickly to play both sides against the middle. My SS used to cry contantly to get Mommy dearest to swoop in to coddle him and console him. At 13 he still does that. What is NOT normal is your husband not trusting you with his son. If he doesn't trust you with his son, why is even with you to begin with? Ask him that. I am curious as to what his answer will be.
On 4. Yeah, I hate to say it but that is normal behavior too. Bio-parent feels they must protect their precious from step-parent and it takes a while for the bio-parent to form a partnership with the step-parent. My wife went through this phase too, (even berating me in public for daring to correct her son's behavior) So yeah, until your husband learns to trust you, you are not unified front. On this, I strongly suggest you choose your battles carefully and explain to your husband what matters to you and how you see yourself raising SS. With me I was very clear. If I see my SS do Annoying habit A and Annoying habit B, I will be all over him. Everything else, I will just point it out to my wife and let her deal with it.
Based on what I've read here, it would seem that both you and your husband need to come to some sort of a compromise (excluding situation 2 because that sh*t needs to stop - like yesterday). It's good that you are both in therapy seeking help so I wouldn't say it is too late for you. Best of luck!
My first thought was "What
My first thought was "What are the nature of these chores?" I own my house and even I feel helpless at times but there is nothing around the house that needs doing that you can't find on Youtube or some other DIY website these days. Heck, just this weekend I needed to remove the patio doors and was having a hard time (yeah, go ahead and laugh. I'm an engineer and I couldn't remove a damn door!). First hit on Youtube gave me all the info I needed.
>Cleaning the lint catcher in
>Cleaning the lint catcher in the dryer?<
Nah! Probably changing the toilet paper rolls. Yeah, that's gotta be it!
I totally understand how you
I totally understand how you feel, I am in a very similar situation but I have 2 skids. I also moved away from my family except that I come from a different country so I don't have any one here. I have also been battling the idea of disengage from the skids and my husband when ever they are here and all tough it doesn't feel like the ideal thing to do I have come to the conclusion that is the best thing for my sake. Unfortunately we are in a situation where no matter what we do or say we will always be the "bad guys". I think that man in general don't have the emotional intelligence to deal with the step family thing and everything that comes with it, they are just unable to see the whole picture. Some one here recommended the book Step Monster and it has help a lot.
Hope things get better I truly sympathize with what you are dealing with.
Sounds like he has no respect
Sounds like he has no respect for you.
The question is: Are you willing to put up with that??
Disney Dads can be taught and put on an allowance. Guilty Dads are a little tougher to deal with. But someone who doesn't respect you? Great father or not, he's not the one for you.