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Resenting Step Daughter

Queenbee18's picture

It is getting worse every visit. She comes in with all the new things she bought with her biological mom (then we get all the bills). she expects everyone to be excited that she is around and serve her like a queen. It drives me nuts that at this point I cant even look at her. What should I do?

Queenbee18's picture

We get an envelope every month or two with all the receipts of her shopping sprees she does with her mom. We, of course, only pay for my step daughters stuff, which can add up...

What do you mean by disengage?

wckdpple100's picture

Why would you have to pay for the shopping sprees? There needs to be some clear guidelines set or perhaps an amount that you may be willing to allow for clothes, books, etc. If you are already paying child support then I would see what else is required if anything. Otherwise, your princess needs to get a job.

wckdpple100's picture

Why would you have to pay for the shopping sprees? There needs to be some clear guidelines set or perhaps an amount that you may be willing to allow for clothes, books, etc. If you are already paying child support then I would see what else is required if anything. Otherwise, your princess needs to get a job.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Like many others, I'm wondering why you all are paying anything for these shopping sprees! If DH is paying child support, that is supposed to cover things like clothing, shoes, makeup, toiletries, etc. They cannot stick it to DH if they have a shopping problem!

That said, I understand how you feel about your SD's attitude completely! SD14 also walks around here like I am here to serve her. Let's not forget that she feels she DESERVES the same things I buy for myself or have...I buy something she thinks is cute, she gets all jealous and mad that I didn't buy it for her (granted, she doesn't want us to be matchy, she thinks I should sacrifice and get it for her because she likes it, and find something different for me, which chances are, she would like, too). Sorry if I don't look my age, and I like to dress cool!

Anyway, this goes for makeup, too...but there, what I do is not good enough for her. I use a washcloth and inexpensive oil control face cleaner, and then use lotion (granted, I MUST use a special face cream because I suffer from psoriasis, so I need something to control the problem). I also only wear makeup about 1-2 times a week...the rest of the time I go makeup free, even if I'm going out in public. She thinks she needs disposable makeup removal cloths (which have no exfoliation). I refused to buy them, so BM bought them. This weekend SD14 gets all dramatic because she has a zit and some blackheads. she asks me if I have anything to use on her face to get rid of the blackheads. I tell her, "Yeah, it's called using a WASHCLOTH to exfoliate AND not wearing foundation!" Now, I could understand if she had problem skin, but she has good skin...the makeup is causing the problems she is having, but she will not listen to me. Her skin have even tone, doesn't usually break out, etc. She just needs to keep it clean! But no...she spends all this time on Pinterest and thinks she has to have this magazine quality makeup and skin care routine, because that is what everyone is posting about...yeah, people who have jobs and buy their own stuff!!! Sorry...she is only 14. When she has a job, then she can spend $50 for some face cream or something!

When I was her age, I had to deal with whatever makeup my mother got me, but here is the catch...because it was a want and not a need, I had to do things like chores for it. She doesn't do anything around this house! Just this past weekend, I cleaned the WHOLE house by myself...minus the hallway bathroom (which is her responsibility since she is the one who trashes it). After dinner is over, I notice all kinds of crumbs and stuff on the table where she was eating, and she has gone back to her room. When she came out again, DH was in the kitchen getting something to eat, and I made it a point to tell her right there in front of him that I was NOT her maid, and that she needed to clean up after herself...I'm tired of finding cheese wrappers everywhere, crumbs everywhere, food stains everywhere...oh, and if the trash is too full to put what you need to put into it, then take it out...don't simply put the trash on the counter next to the trash can! She rolled her eyes and was like, "OKAY!" Now, for the most part, I'm disengaged, so why did I do this? I wanted to make it clear to DH that I was going to start getting on his butt for her not picking up after herself...that I'm tired of her blaming things on my son when he isn't around (most days he doesn't even get home until 11 p.m. because of work, and he eats during his work break, not at home)...and I'm tired of my house being trashed all the time because people think I work all day only to have to clean up after them after my work day is over!

Right now, she is desperately trying to get us to go on a family store trip...first saying that she didn't have enough vitamins to last the week (until I checked, and she still has 2-3 weeks easy on them, more probably because she doesn't take them like she is supposed to)...then complaining last night about her toothpaste, saying she wants a different one because she doesn't like the taste. I told DH flat out...NO grocery store runs! I will go when there are enough items that NEED to be gotten. I was in her bathroom this morning and realized she has no more pore strips (which I won't buy because they don't work, which is obvious by the blackheads she has now, but she still insists she needs them), and I'm sure she is running out of other "beauty" products she THINKS she needs, and wants to try to talk dear sweet daddy into them like she always does. Seriously...this girl spends more time in front of a mirror daily than I do right before going to a concert or a date night, and trust me, THAT is usually when I spend the most time on myself!

I'm telling you all of this because you need to disengage for your own mental health, but, that doesn't mean that you let them just run over you! You need to make it clear to DH that things need to change about SD's attitude. She needs to be knocked down a few notches. I'm starting this process with SD14...I've made it clear to DH. Of course, now I have something to hold over his head. He has to get some dental work, but we need to save up like $500 for it...so everytime he tries to convince me that SD14 NEEDS something that she doesn't, I remind him that will come out of his dental work money. He quickly changes his mind. Wink

wckdpple100's picture

High five to you! I think you have the right idea. The BP always want to give too much to their kids because they feel guilt about the divorce. Kids get this and then use it to their full advantage against both parents. My SD use to pull that crap all the time with me and I just consistently pointing out the difference between a need and a want and had to explain to her father that he too had to quit being a doormat. I find it strange that all the posts I keep reading have the same stories and the underlying cause are the biological parents fear of losing face or love of their child. They forget children have unconditional love (for the most part) for their biological parents so they need to learn tough love so the kids can grow up to lead normal adult lives. My mantra is to teach the skids that what they are learning now will benefit them when they are older. Children only know what they are taught! I see so many bad habits that skids have been taught not only by the biological parents but how about the grandparents YIKES! I could say some scary stories about that as well. But then again it is the grandparents that taught the parents and so forth!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

The way I see it, if I make it easy for her like DH is, she will be here forever, and I'm not having that! Sure, the door is open if you have REAL need! Like when my daughter and her fiance broke up (as he has not been the same since he came back from overseas...real PTSD case right there). I told her to come home so she could reorganize and regroup. SHE is the one that said she wanted to do it on her own...that she had to prove to herself that she could do it, but that she would come home if she needed to. It has been about a year, and she has only recently hit some snags because her employer started cutting everyone's hours...but even then...she came up with a solution on her own..."I'm young, I have no kids and no one is depending on me...I'll just get a second job for a while." And that is exactly what she did! Now, if that were SD14 years from now...based on her current way of thinking? "Oh, daddy...I need you to pay my bills for me! Get a second job? But that would take away from my time to go hang out with friends!"

Nope, I want to make sure she goes running to mommy in the future, because I will NOT support her! She gets pregnant before even graduating high school (as DH is so naive and will not put her on birth control), I will NOT support her and her child...she can go move back with BM and collect welfare, and don't expect daddy to give you any money...better go to court and get that baby daddy to pay up!

Like I've said in another post, I have the advantage that I don't care if she hates me! I'm here to help provide NECESSITIES and build the foundation required to live on your own when your 18 years are done! That's it!

hippiegirl's picture

Does your dh pay support? If so, then take that stupid envelope full of receipts and burn it! Not your problem.

Freshstart's picture

OK you guys are crazy but my DH and I accepted similar rubbish.

BM and SD went shopping for formal and semi-formal and we got the bill. We agreed to half the bill. But no communication prior or healthy budget setting for SD.

I think it is the BM's way to show off to the daughter. Watch this. I will take you shopping and make them pay.

Put a stop to it. Take my advice. The sooner the better.

Freshstart's picture

OK you guys are crazy but my DH and I accepted similar rubbish.

BM and SD went shopping for formal and semi-formal and we got the bill. We agreed to half the bill. But no communication prior or healthy budget setting for SD.

I think it is the BM's way to show off to the daughter. Watch this. I will take you shopping and make them pay.

Put a stop to it. Take my advice. The sooner the better.

IslandGal's picture

Agree with majority of posters on here saying return the envelope with a copy of the CS check.

BM in our situation, pulled the same shit with DH. However, they DID have a private agreement, which he agreed to do all of this (silly, silly man!). The agreement was pretty much where he'd send her $400 p/month for SD13 and SS11. Then he'd go halves in anything and everything she brought for them. She would send him a bill fortnightly, wth receipts attached, and he'd pay for half. Worked out to about $800 - $850 p/month.

Then she got greedy. Tried to control what we did with skids on our weekends, and when DH put his foot down - she threatened to go for full child support. DH told her to go for it. We get the assessment, and see that it's $650 p/month. So she pretty much shot herself in the foot and now has to suck it up.

And yes - FULL CS covers clothing, educational, medical, extra curricular activities. BM is ready to implode she's so pissed off - but this is where I love karma - her greed got her less.

Parent Coach's picture

Separate your issues with the Mom and focus on the daughter. It's not your daughter's fault that her Mom's playing games. This is just her response. That's the relationship that's important. If you can respect her for who she is (not what she does) then you will also receive respect from her. She's not the responsible adult in this scenario so respect her for who she is not what she does. She's not going to listen to you or act any differently until you start to honour her as the lovely person you know she can be underneath the confused and confronting exterior. Play to her strengths: is she creative, a good friend, musical, artistic, sporty? Whatever it is - hone in on it and hold onto it when you're about to pull your hair out. Think about your parenting style here - it's the only thing you can change in this whole equation.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

That is all well and good advice, but there are some that are just spoiled brats...period! You treat them nicely, they try to walk over you even more. I've been in SD14's life since before she could walk...I've tried to bring out the good things in her. Instead, she leans more toward the lying, manipulative tactics taught to her by BM! SD14's whole life...when BM said jump, DH would say how high! I would try to get him to put his foot down, and all I would get from him is how much he feared he'd never see his daughter again if he did. Now that SD14 is living with us, he still refuses to put his foot down for anything. She lies about everything...even when it is obvious she is lying and the lie is stupid (like claiming my son left candy wrappers laying around when he wasn't even home, or saying she didn't dirty up the bathroom that ONLY she uses). SD14 is lazy...or just a plain slob...or both. She is always leaving her stuff and trash all over the house. She can't clean up after herself in the kitchen...always leaving crumbs and stuff wherever she fixes or eats food. She has been told multiple times that if she finds the dishwasher needs to be empty or the trash needs to go out...just do it...that we all do our share around here. No, she will leave her dishes in the sink before she will ever empty a dishwasher, and if the trash can is too full for her trash, she will put it on the counter next to it. Oh, and let's not even talk about the hall bathroom! As my daughter put it when she came to visit, "You take a shower in there, and you still don't feel clean because the bathroom is so gross!" Leaving half drunk glasses of milk in all kinds of places, and by the time I find them, I nearly puke emptying them out.

Then, there is all the drama, and her always talking about herself and how she is so much better than everyone else! Oh, and when we go to a store, she always has to buy something...but yet, she refuses to do any kind of chores around the house to earn any kind of money or special treats...no, I'm always stuck cleaning up behind her if I want my house clean. And she isn't happy with normal grocery store makeup...no, she has to have the expensive kind from the mall or Sephora or something like that (I refuse to buy it for her, but sometimes she is able to talk dear sweet dad into it).

I try to tell her anything, and it's attitude and eye rolls and the whole nine. She has no respect for me! If my own kids treated me as disrespectful as SD14 does, DH would be right in their faces, but not his sweet princess!

Some kids are just brats...and you can't let them walk over you!

IslandGal's picture

My DH USED to spoil SD13 absolutely ROTTEN. She had the best of everything - she got a brand spanking new heater just for her room. SS just got all basic stuff. When I came along and realised this, I showed DH just how unfair he was treating SS. DH stepped up to the plate, and started being fair and treated both kids fairly. SD did NOT like this. She became very resentful, spiteful and vindictive.

SD is super possessive of DH. She acts like she owns him and he should do whatever she wants and buy her whatever she wants. Since DH started putting his foot down, her resentment got worse. At the age of 8 years old she was telling her GMA what to do. If GMA punished her, SD would call DH and he would call GMA and tell her off. not anymore. My point is, from the age of 8 this girl has been manipulating her Father. She is now 13 and she's gotten much, much worse. She refuses to accept me and is outright hostile towards our relationship.

She is furious that since DH and I moved in together, his spoiling of her has completely stopped. I'm still getting over the shock of how entitled she is!