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SS(now 14) is dad's second skin!

memphismama's picture

Submitted by memphismama on Wed, 09/25/2013 - 5:16pm

Anybody ever heard of a 13 yr old boy having the mini-wife syndrome? I am eight years deep into a marriage with a man that I love, but ever since his youngest son moved in with us I find myself as the third wheel! I know my husband carries guilt about not being there for his three older children, but this child (who looks just like him)is his baby. Everything is done for him and from the time they wake up until they go to bed these guys are painted on each other! (Not a jealous wife problem - I can't stand for somebody to be on me like glue!) I read the posts from another page regarding clinging step-daughters who play the mini-wife, but there was not one post about a boy doing this. He doesn't seem to be having any gender issues and dad is a strong, strapping 100% male.
Since child has been with us, everything my husband has is also said to be the child's - from the farm to the house to his truck- and I spend a lot of my time in our bedroom which is the only place besides the barn that I can go and not have to see and hear the sickening display. Husband does not allow a lot of touching from anyone but this child. He does everything for child and seems to want him to be dependant on him forever. He tells him often that he can never grow up and never leave his daddy. Neither bio parent has taught him to dress, clean himself, brush his teeth or use utensils properly to eat. I tried for a while to be involved, but all attempts have been rebuffed and I have resigned myself to the fact that I am only here to either agree that he is a most precious/wonderful/adorable baby or keep my mouth shut.So I am now at a point where I see a long miserable existence unfolding in front of me unless something changes.
Would greatly appreciate any and all thoughts and advice. Dad is returning from overseas in three months and baby will probably be at the airport to re-apply the glue. This invisible woman will provide a ride home and try not to break down in public as the two twins are reunited. With the prison sentence looming, I find that my migraines are returning with alarming increases in duration and pain, but I don't want to just quit and leave because I truly love this guy who only had his kids on alternate weekends when we got married. I think I could deal with all the usual step-kid stuff (rudeness, lying, laziness, etc) if his boy child wasn't also his second skin. And dad truly has on a pair of the best damn blinders I have ever seen or heard of!

Comments

memphismama's picture

Submitted by memphismama on Wed, 09/25/2013 - 9:07pm

Biggrin Nothing would make me happier and his dad madder! I'm surprised I haven't ground all my teeth away watching him eat with hands and play with food and then throw everything that isn't meat or bread away! Thanks for the laugh - haven't had too many of those lately!!!

leighanne's picture

Submitted by leighanne on Wed, 09/25/2013 - 6:15pm

Hello Memphismama, yes I have heard about it and lived it. It wasn't always a problem for me until step son came to live with me and my husband. He was 12yrs old and now he is 15 soon to be 16. Me and dh have a bs 6yrs. Its just me and bs 6. I couldn't live where a 15yr old punk ruled the house. Ss was jealous of me and bs6. Ss called us ugly names dh didnt do anything about it unless I got mad and said a few choice words to ss. It wasn't what ss said me but what i said to ss. Dh has guilt for ss15. Bs6 hates his step brother. I don't blame bs. Stepson took our lively hood away. We invited this child into our home. I have deep resentment for dh and ss. Yes dh comes to visit. Its been 7 1/2 months since I moved out. I don't cry anemone. It didn't kill me, it made me stronger. Now dh lives with a ruthless M.F. I'm so glad that I don't. I have a peace of mind and much happier. I used to not want to go home, now I can't wait to get home Smile . By the way Im from Shelby County. I no longer live in Tennessee. Good luck to you.

memphismama's picture

Submitted by memphismama on Wed, 09/25/2013 - 9:00pm

Isn't it crazy how things get this screwed up? I hope it doesn't come to me having to leave, but something has got to give! Glad you are happy now and not having to deal with it. I am worried about having "the talk" when husband comes back stateside, but is there anything worse than feeling like your home is a prison? Yeah, right, maybe a real prison, but seriously I don't think I can live this way again. While he's been gone (and ss is with his BM, thank goodness!) I have once again been able to spend peaceful time all over the house and in the yard and I don't want to give that up! And I'm not in Shelby County anymore either, though that is where I will always think of as home! And I'm new to this site and I still haven't figured out what DH stands for! Many wishes for your continues happiness and for your son's as well! And thanks so much for the reply - my time is dwindling and I want to have all my ducks in a row when the time for talking gets here!

step off already's picture

Submitted by step off already on Wed, 09/25/2013 - 8:57pm

DH and I moved in together and got married just a few months after SS's 11th birthday. But from the time I've known him, whenever we are our together SS(now 13.5) is all up dh's butt: trying to hold his hand, saying "I love you dad" like 5 times in a row, and asking DH for a hug - just to name a few of my favorites.

This is only something your dh can correct. I started by pointing it out to dh and saying, "when you were that age, did you want to sit on you dad's lap, or hold his hand?" eyc, etc. DH agreed that the behavior was quite opposite of his and his own friends at that age. I encouraged dh not to play the "I love you game" (you know, the one where SS keeps asking "are you sure" and then throws in "I love you more". Because it just reinforces the behavior.

Now don't get me wrong. SS13.5 still has some habits in this regard but it's eased up quite a bit with dh deflecting it.

It's really not normal/healthy for a boy at this age to be like this wih his dad so dad should really try and fix it.

memphismama's picture

Submitted by memphismama on Wed, 09/25/2013 - 9:12pm

I knew I would get some good answers here! You are brilliant! Never thought of approaching it that way and I know good and well husband wasn't like this at his age. Feel like I've been living in an airless vacuum and can't think straight so I really appreciate your response. Am writing this down and marking it with a big star! Many thanks Smile

Onewillfullstepmom's picture

Submitted by Onewillfullstepmom on Wed, 09/25/2013 - 11:01pm

I haven't lived it, but if I were in your shoes, I would use step offs point, but also make sure he sees that if he continues to baby his son, he is really hindering his development. Also try this method I learned in one of the books I read for how to get a better a response from your husband, it called soft, hard, soft. Begin with a compliment... I think it's really sweet how much you care for your son, and want to spend time with him. (Soft) However, I'm concerned that doing everything for him and being that affectionate with him is going to slow down his development and keep him from being the strong young man we would love to see. (hard). Maybe you could show him how to do something and then watch and marvel at him doing it himself..? (soft) or something like that. It's hard sometimes to watch them coddle a child too much (I think my DH does with SD) but sometimes if you give a compliment and logic and come from a place closer to their side.... it's easier to get them to see the light. It's worked for me.

Good luck

memphismama's picture

Submitted by memphismama on Thu, 09/26/2013 - 12:18am

This sounds great and I am willing to try anything to restore balance to our lives. This has been a long hard road and I want my life back to something a lot closer to normal than it's been. I used to think parenting was a pretty hard job cause I raised two girls by myself, but step-parenting is the hardest thing I have ever attempted! And I think it's that way because of how spouse is coddling this child and because this was dumped in my life without any warning because he didn't have his kids except for weekends when we got married. As long as there is hope, however, I am going to dig in my heels and try to make things better. Thanks so much!

memphismama's picture

Submitted by memphismama on Thu, 03/27/2014 - 8:21pm

Well folks, clueless bio parents have decided to switch kids so the mini-wife has gone to live with his mom and we now have the 16.5 year old son who is a pyromaniac with huge entitlement issues! And, as my luck would have it, this one has decided he never wants to see his BM anymore (she actually tried to be a parent a couple of times while my husband was deployed which royally pissed child off!) and he is here 24/7. I had a whole 12 hours w husband before BM dumped both of them off on us and it looks like that will be all the adult time I will have with him until either they launch or I do. This one isn't creepy clingy but is just as clueless/helpless as his brother. And I am back on Xanax and considering taking up drinking! Got a job to start saving up money for my life after stepkids and trying to create a dreamworld that will fill up all the empty spaces inside.

Ok, I feel better just having come back here amongst my fellow sufferers. Praying for all of us!