About to become a stepdaughter
I hope I'm not intruding, as I'm an about-to-be stepdaughter, not a stepparent.
My mom died in 2005 and my dad is getting married in two months, which I'm happy about. He's not my bio dad, but he adopted me when he married my mom when I was about 8. Since my mom died, I feel like my dad and I don't have anything in common, except our love for each other and a history. I honestly have a hard time making conversation, as we're such different people.
The good news is that soon-to-be stepmom is a great match for him, and I've really seen him blossom and develop his own interests in the two years they've been together. However, their relationship and bond has made me feel even more out of place than I already did. Again, I have felt a disconnect from dad for years, but now I feel like I have the added problem of always trying to make a good impression. I realize I'm baggage from his first marriage, and a stepdaughter probably isn't on any bride's wish list. I fear that stepmom doesn't or won't continue to like me, which would be awful for dad. I can't really tell, because they both seem kind of cold to me; as I'm a touch-feely kind of person and they are not! 
I've been wracking my brain trying to think of ways to welcome her and try to become a good stepdaughter. Do any of you have ideas for making her feel welcome? I invited her to come visit for a few days for some "girl time," but she didn't really express an interest. I am careful with my manners and try not to create any work or bring drama into their home, but I'd really like be more proactive than just not causing trouble....
I'm so sorry for the loss of
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. (((HUGS)))
You seem like a very nice person. If you live close to your dad & sm, maybe invite her out for coffee, get to know her a bit and tell her she's made a big difference in your Dad's life and made him happier, and thank her for that. If you don't live close by, write her a letter telling her that, and add that you look forward to seeing her more often and continuing to get to know her. Ask her about what's going on in her life and send her well wishes.
Best of luck!
^^^^Yes this too^^^^^
^^^^Yes this too^^^^^
Awww! I love that you care. I
Awww! I love that you care. I get that you feel that way but as a step mom you would be a dream for me to have as a step daughter. You at least want to try and make things good. Good for you on how grown up you sound!
I am sorry that she came across cold for some girl time. I would have jumped at that one! Anyways maybe ask her what she likes to do? Have you ever told them how you feel and that you are happy for them but you would love to be part of her life and even though you and your Dad are different that you would like to be part of his life as much as you can?
As far as the touchy feely type of person, that is something you wont be able to change for the most part. I know there are colder people out there when it comes to that. Me myself, I am a needy person too even at my age.
My advice, sit them both down over dinner or something like that and tell them how you feel emphasizing on the fact that you are happy for them. They need to understand that you have lost your mother, which to you, my heart goes out to and you in a sense lost your bio father too. That has to be hard on you and I know an adoptive dad is just as good as a bio dad but you need to let him know that you also need him, you need them both. I don't know how they will be all I am going by is how I would feel and honestly I would hug you if you were my soon to be step daughter.
You keep up the good behavior you sound to have. I can tell your a good person.
Take care.
I was going to say the same
I was going to say the same thing!! I would give anything if my SD would want to develop a relationship like this with me. Hang in there, sweetie. The above advice is great and I hope your future SM realizes how lucky she is to have you in her life!
ME TOOOOOO!!!
ME TOOOOOO!!!
Back off ditzy, I want her.
Back off ditzy, I want her.
what akind comment. i am
what akind comment. i am truly sorry about your loss.
most stepchildren are just plain jealous that their parent has found a new mate and a new love. i am happy that *you* are happy about your father's new spouse. that shows maturity and that you love your father, and that your interests are for your father's happiness.
jealousy is just born of selfishness.
You sound like a lovely
fallingleaves I would like to
fallingleaves
I would like to say how sorry I am about your mom.
I think a lot of us on here would love to have a daughter like you. I think the best thing you can do is just be who you are. You seem very bright. When I read your post I felt like wow this is a breath of fresh air. Baggage from a first marriage, I don't see it that way, I see you as a very loving person. Its nice to know fallingleaves that there are still very nice daughters out there that care. Like I said just be you, I don't think you will have any problems. hugs to you and thank you for sharing your post.
You were all so kind in your
You were all so kind in your comments, I thought I would update you. I made it through the wedding, but it was really hard on me. That feeling of being baggage was strong. A couple of things happened that made it more difficult. My new stepmother didn't introduce me to anyone in her family that came to the wedding, so I felt out of place. Her stepson (son of her deceased husband) and I were "best guy" and "best girl" for our parents, but when all the ladies in the wedding went to get their hair done the morning of the wedding, I wasn't included. They wrote their own vows, and my father included a line about "the second wine is the sweetest," which made me feel awful. I agree that his new wife is a much better match for him than my mom; but I didn't want everyone in the church to think my mom was a bad person. I tried really hard to remember that neither of them would deliberately hurt my feelings.
I don't think my dad or stepmom had a clue that I was upset, which is good. I actually found my dad's sister and locked myself in the bathroom with her for a quick cry. She was really sympathetic. I didn't expect the wedding to be so hard — as I've said, I really am happy about the marriage. I'm glad I found someone to listen, because the last thing I would have wanted was to detract from their day with my drama. But after my obligations for the day, I couldn't get home fast enough!
We've had good times since the wedding. They drove two hours to my town to come to a community theater play I directed, which my father also made a set piece for. My new stepmother asked me to be her backup living will person, rather than ask her stepson who she helped raise. I'm having surgery soon, and they want to come and stay with me for the first week or so to help me recuperate. So, all in all, things have gone well. I don't think we'll ever be close, but I'm probably getting too old to keep hoping for that cozy, parented feeling.
My birth father just died unexpectedly, about 18 months after we met. I was surprised to form such a deep bond with him in that short time. It's so strange to have both him and my mom die young. They married young, had a baby they shouldn't have had, split up young, and died young. Maybe I'm destined to die young, too. Probably not, but it would be so nice to see them and feel connected to someone again. Listen to me, I'm whining again. Sorry!
Again, thank you all for your advice and comments! It helped a lot.
I really wish mysoon to be
I really wish mysoon to be step daughter really liked me, but I stopped trying a long time ago. She has accused me of stealing from her, which I never have. She has taken my personal stuff without asking. So I learned to let it go because I know she wants to get under my skin. When we got engaged, instead of congratulating her dad. She was worried about me taking his pension. I think I need advice from you. I tried to be nice, but how much more can I take before I snap
Fallingleaves ~ I lost my
Fallingleaves ~
I lost my mother when I was 25 ~ dad remarried shortly after that. We ( siblings) were not included in their wedding. I noticed after Mom died what a different person my Dad was ~ I thought about it. My mom made him the man I thought he was. His image was easily changed by his "wife" ~ which I believe happens more times that not.
I think the wedding was the place you wanted to make right. Maybe your father was being distant because of the wedding ( feeling disloyal to your mother ). It was difficult for my father to say he loved his second wife in front of me. In other words ~ how do you just dismiss your feelings for your mother. Difficult concept but I understand it now.
My husband passed away ~ I was a young mother of 4 kids. I didn't leave my kids sight for a year after he passed. I rekindled a friendship with an old bf who was an excellent listener. We lived 200 miles away ~ I never saw him until almost 2 years after hubby passed away. For some weird reason Fter we would go get coffee or a movie ~ the guilt was overwhelming. How could I possibly forget about my husband that quick .....
Tell your SM and dad what you
Tell your SM and dad what you just told us. That ought to get the conversation going. Never mind I just read your update. All in all not a bad outcome with every opportunity to improve from here. They visited. That is huge. They will come during your recovery from surgery. Another huge demonstration of your dad's love and your SM's own character and reasonableness. SM asked you to be her living will POA rather than the SS she raised in her prior marriage. Huge! Big, hairy, happy deal. That demonstrates that she values the maturity and character you have show through all of this. She and your dad may never be the touchy feely group hug people that you crave but how wonderful that the respect that you have shown them and they are showing you will have a chance to grow.
You are a young woman of character and with your attitude and character there should be little issue in building a relationship with both your SM and dad that just keeps getting better and closer. Just wait until you spawn them a grand kid. That will just throw fuel on the relationship furnace.
Congratulations on the very positive situation.
Take care of yourself.