Am I the only one? Adult SD and I no longer have relationship. SD is into drugs
Just wondering if there are other people out there in my boat. Long story short, Adult SD has been into drugs since age 15. Before she turned adult, Her father and I tried everything to get her help. She just constantly refused and reeked havoc on our lives. She was the sweetest girl growing up. I have been her SM since she was 7 and she is now going to be 19 soon. She was a beautiful girl and then one day she turned on us. She started running with the wrong crowd, got a really bad boyfriend, ran away, you name it she did it. Stole our car 7 times, got introuble with the cops, I can go on and on but trying to shorten it. Anyways 2 weeks ago I let her go. I couldn't take the emotional abuse and the threats from her and her boyfriend any longer. Her Dad let her go too. She is with us on this, does not want anything to do with us because we judge and we have rules and blah blah blah. I have 2 bio daughters with my husband and they are young, only 8 and 3. They have seen enough. She hasn't lived with us since she was 17, (chose to go to moms, our rules were too much, then moved in with her boyfriend) anyways I felt I had to make a choice, I needed to protect my little girls. She threatened me when I said she could not see them as long as she was being toxic. She is so toxic. We have to all walk on egg shells when she is around due to never knowing when she will freak out on us. I am scared of her and her boyfriend, her boyfriend has a 10 page rap sheet and that doesn't include his run ins with the law in his juvenile years. He has drug crimes, burglaries, ect. He scares the piss out of me. I check my doors and windows every night to make sure they are locked type of scared. I am thankful my hubby had a job transfer and we live a few hours from them now. I have another SD Adult (same mother between the two) Good SD is wonderful. We raised her too. We went through the whole thinking we did something wrong until my past counselor explained to me that we did nothing wrong that these are the choices that she is making. We gave her a nice loving home, everything she could want. The last fight that ended it all was us refusing to give her money. Her Dad had some money put away for both SDs 5000 each for college. Well older SD got it and is going to college and when Bad SD called after graduation she demanded her 5000 because she needed it to live. She refuses to get a job, never has had one, her and her boyfriend live off of selling drugs. Her father said no she could not have it, for two reasons, that she was not going to college and that is what it was for and the other, well she cost us 11,000 out of pocket in a year and a half time (fines unpaid, never paying us for a car that we helped her get and she was supposed to make the payments, wrecked a school issued computer while out partying..ect) She and her boyfriend both said to us that we were horrible parents for blowing her money on our move to our new house which is not true and this house is no different then the house she got to live in growing up. They say we are horrible for expecting her to get a job at 16 and pay for her own car, keep in mind we paid insurance and everything else, we just wanted to teach responsibility just like we did with her older sister and the same that I would do for my bios with her father. RESPONSIBILTY! Anyways got some threatening mean things said to me and I walked away for good. Just wondering if anyone else out there can relate.
Getting ready to go back up north to see my parents and I find myself scared of running into her, I do not want to see her, she has caused so much hurt in the past 4 years, so much pain to my bios, myself and her dad, so much fear. I am 36 and have never in my life until the crap with her needed any type of medication and now I am on anti anxieties because I am suffering from massive anxiety and panic attacks and they are very physical. I feel if I run into her I am going to have a panic episode and there is no hiding it, its very physical. I feel I cant get myself to stop thinking about her and all she has done, my mind runs all the time about it. I went from loving her so much to literally hating her. Is this normal?
There is so much more to this story but it would be a book and I am sure I am already going on and on.
Also as far as our rules,
Also as far as our rules, they were not at all overboard, they were rather relaxed. Basically no drugs and get a job...oh and one tiny detail she is now pregnant with this guy. Claims she is not on drugs during pregnancy but she still acts all wacked out and even stole her bio moms car the other day.
Well hopefully she is not
Well hopefully she is not going to be out and about shopping or walking in the park, doing everyday normal things, if she's out partying all night, chances are, she'll be sleeping all day, so fingers crossed you don't run into her. But if youdo, ignore her, don't speak, just walk on by. You've cut her out of your life, you don't want her back in again, so no need to speak. I would strongly suggest discussing the anxiety this is causing you with your doctor. He may be able to change your medication to something that can help you through.
Unfortunately you are going to a place that has bad connections for you. I liken the stress these women cause us to post traumatic stress. We never get over it, we just learn to manage it, but certain smells, sights and places trigger a physical reaction in us. For me one of the triggers is the sight of a bleached blonde with a ponytail hanging off the side of her head, it makes me shudder, my stomach turn, and remember the nightmare.
Thank you, I have talked to
Thank you, I have talked to my doctor. My meds work fine for me, Its just right before I have to go back to visit family that I get this way. As soon as Sunday hits, I will be relaxed because I know I don't have to worry.
For me its any talk of drug use. I was offered a job recently to work at a teen age group home of troubled teen agers and I had to turn it down, there is no way I could help teens who act like her which is sad, I would love to help teens but she ruined that for me after the hell I have been through. Thinking I will stick with taking care of the other population of people in my career choice.
My bios are also a great help, just spending quality time with them can help me greatly in this. I just need to shut my brain off at night. I can go all day and be fine, night time and its quiet and then I think. Last night after I wrote this I turned on the TV and that helped me fall asleep. Pulled a little biofeedback on myself. I watch the show and when the commercial comes on I shut my eyes and force myself to listen to what the commercial is saying, weird but it works for me. By 3rd commercial I am asleep :)I used to do that back when she lived with us and it was at its worse.
My SS is in prison for first
My SS is in prison for first degree sexual offenses. I dropped him like a hot rock and I hope to never see him or deal with him again.
I am sorry you had to go
I am sorry you had to go through that! I always thought in my mind that would be a horrible one too.
Watching what drugs did to my once sweet SD, made me believe all drugs are horrible. I suppose there is some genetics in there too with how she turned out. Her BM has bi polar, is a compulsive liar and has done a lot wrong in her life (another long story). Apparently, she had a cocaine addiction in her younger days. I begin to wonder if genetics play a role in stuff. We had Bad SD from 7 to 17 full time and she was raised by us and we also had other SD from 10 to college and she used to be the one to make time for her BM but she turned out more like her father in the end, she goes to college, on her last year, 3.8 over all GPA, works all the time at her job on top of it, pays her own way in her adult world asking for very little help from us, knowing she can come to us anytime. She likes her independence. We used to always think she was going to be our problem (from when she was a kid) and turns out she is not, she talks to me almost daily and we have a really good relationship. She is a wonderful big sister to her half sisters. The one we thought would turn out good was the one that ended up slapping us right in the face with nothing but trouble. Bad SD is a complete mess and facing felony charges with her boyfriend for selling drugs. She is a horrible big sister and treats us all like shit. We let her go. Had to. I will never forgive her for these years of hell. I have nothing to say to her, I think my biggest fear though is being her biological father, he will make a relationship with her again and I don't want to see her. He says he never will but she is biological to him so only time will tell. If that ever happened well I will remain neutral and not create another relationship with her. That is my one big fear. I don't want to see her face again at this point. Went from loving her to absolutely despising her. As far as her wrap sheet, POS boyfriend, I have nothing to say to him, nor will I ever and he for sure is never allowed in my home.
And you don't have to let her
And you don't have to let her in either. Her father may feel,differently, who knows. But he can see her out of your home.
Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary, a place of peace. Not a battlefield, not a war zone, and not a place where you feel anxious, uncomfortable and as though you are walking on egg shells.
You do have some control over this. Do not have her back in your home. I understand you love your husband, and for his sake think he should be allowed to have her in the home. But if she is making you so ill and distressed, then your husband needs to love you enough to understand you just can't do it, not even for him.
When we open the door to our homes to let people in, even family, it is a privilege not a God given right, not a birthright. It is a privilege given to people who care about us and respect us and our homes. When someone has proven that's not the case, they lose that privilege.
I always love what you have
I always love what you have to say, you have helped me a lot in this forum and in my previous ones. Thank you. I need support. My hubby is on my side for the time being on this but I feel like the constant nagging wife when I talk to him about how hurt I am. He is a tough guy, he doesn't need to talk about it, once his mind is made up it is, me on the other hand needs to talk and that's why I joined this forum for both me and him, to be able to let up a bit on him.
Anyways thank you so much.
Genetics do play a big role.
Genetics do play a big role. It is not anything that you did wrong. I know people from intact marriages that are just salt of the earth good people who have raised lovely normal children but have had one child just go off the tracks.
Bi-polar can be controlled with drugs so please don't think that anyone bi-polar is a bad person. Many bi-polar people lead normal lives with appropriate medication and therapy. But many people for whatever reasons choose to not take their meds and then self medicate with drugs and alcohol. One someone goes that route it is virtually impossible for them to get back into normal behavior.
BM's father was a terrible alcoholic, philanderer and someone who would spend every dime of his quite substantial income as a doctor. BM suffers from acute depression but has never turned to drugs/drink. But both SSs just have turned out horrible. Older one was actually an accomplice to murder (probably more than one with gang activities).
I say this over and over in posts. Toxic people MUST be permanently removed from your life. Congratulations on taking that step. Please just try to forget that she ever existed. The child you knew and loved is gone.
There is no reason for your and your DH to ever have anything to do with her or BM. Erase them permanently. Believe me the good SD doesn't want her sister either. A dear friend's daughter went this route (intact family). Her brothers' response when she was gone "It's so much easier without xxxx around."