Where do I go from here?!?!
This is my first blog and it will be quite long. I just ran across this site and it seems like a perfect fit for me. So I will start with the back story... I have been married to my H for 7 1/2 years. Been with him a total of 8 1/2. He already had three children when we married a D and two S. Guess I need to add that my H is 13 years older than me. and the oldest which is the D was 8. He had full custody of the kids so I immediately became mother. Their mother was in and out of their lives due to drugs and men and jail.
With all of that being said I now have a huge dilemma. About a year and a half ago my H decided to let my SD move in with her mother after she had gotten clean. Well she has lived with her up until about three weeks ago... when the BM called my H and said that she couldn't handle her anymore that she was cussing her and trying to fight her when she got on to her about something or didn't do what she wanted her to do when she wanted it done. So of course her BM told her to get out and go to your daddy. Of course I assumed he would punish this behavior or at least address the situation better than what he did. He yelled at her for maybe 5 minutes and it was over. No punishment. Regardless of what is done or said at the end of the day that is her M and she has no right to be disrespectful. She moved back and has had a chip on her shoulder ever since. She doesn't think anyone can tell her what to do. Thinks she can stay out all hours of the night. Let's just say my H lets her manipulate him. She practically gets to do whatever she wants when she wants it. She gets to go wherever she wants whenever she wants to go. Its like he can't say no. And when I do step up and say no I'm the bad guy. I always have to be the bad guy. Guess I should mention she is 17 now and will be 18 in a few months.
But what I am getting to is that a few days ago she had a friend with her and they asked could they go grab something to eat of course my H said yes even though it was 11 at night. Well he goes to bed and I an up reading and look at the time a almost two hours have passed. So I call and ask where she is and they are at someone's house. So of course I tell her to get home asap. it's almost 2 in the morning. Needless to say I had to call again because what should have took 5 minutes took 30. So when she final does get there I am upset and annoyed. So of course I question her about her behavior. And she flies off of the handle and says she is almost grown and her daddy doesn't care if she was there. I get angry because of the attitude and disrespect she is showing me and tell her to give me the keys to the car. (which I paid for) And she starts yelling how I can take them because her daddy would just give them right back to her so it didn't matter. she gets the key and by this time I am livid so I stand up and go to take the key while she is still back talking. When I go to grab the key she pushes me and of course I am not expecting it so I stumble back and when I finally realized what she had done I asked her was she insane? And the she goes into the F you, I hate you, I hope my dad divorces you, I have never liked you, If you only knew what daddy says about you, I'll get my key back because daddy will give me what I want.
And this all happened because she was reprimanded for being somewhere she wasn't suppose to be. Of course I tell my husband what happened and so did my 15 year old step son who had to crap her and hold her back because she actually tried to hit me. And he does nothing. He tells her she is walking a thin line and she better watch it. Then I see posts on fb from her BM and her talking about my H like they are trying to break us up. I honestly don't know who this person is...this is not the same person I raised. So now I don't even want to be around her or even talk to her and I know that sounds awful. But no one will discipline this child. And when she is disciplined it's me bc no one else (her BM and BF) won't do it. Now my marriage feels like it is falling apart and I have no clue what to do but I don't think I can stay with him if he lets her get away with that kind of behavior. So HELP I need advice!!
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Comments
The facts are: 1) Your sd17
The facts are:
1) Your sd17 (nearly 18) is becoming or is uncontrollable, she is angry, violent and unstable.
2) She is being permitted to treat your home like a hotel, while she is setting an example for her younger siblings in terms of her complete disrespect for you.
3) She is NOT being parented by her father (who likely feel guilt or denial of her behaviour).
4) You are financially supporting her, along with DH, and you are also bringing up DH's younger children.
5) She has been violent towards you and you have seen evidence that both her and BM are attempting to split DH and you up.
IMO you need to throw sd17 out. She has her mother to live with if she is sooooo desperate for her mother's love, approval. The fact that it appears one of the reasons her mother kicked her out, is her attitude and behaviour, which she is now endorsing because BM is jealous of the fact you are bringing up her children and wants to stir things with you. She will use sd's teen angst to encourage her angry towards you, and you will be the scapegoat!!
This house is yours and DH's, he isn't the only one who can make huge changes to your household and tbh I would not want her influencing her younger siblings and you need to make an example of her. She is violent towards you and this is unacceptable! I also think you need to take those car keys away pronto. A person who "hates" you, who she tries to hurt therefore does not bankroll the haters privilages.
You may be extremely worried about DH's reaction in all of this, however if he will not protect you and the younger children, then he can leave with her. His behaviour strikes me as ridiculous. No consequences for sd, no discussions with you and it's like he has his head in the sand over everything. He needs to get a grip after everything you have done for him, its his responsibility as a husband to protect his wife (yes even against his children if necessary).
I appreciate that sd may be in turmoil over her mother's background and likely is confused/upset over that, but this is NOT your fault and it appears you are the target for that anger and ofcourse BM will be leaping all over that to capitalise it and try and regain some popularity with sd17!
If your marriage is falling apart then you need to consider your Fear over DH's reaction VS the fact he is destroying your marriage. Remember the only person who can change, is you. Forcing DH to change is not going to happen right now imo. Time for you change how you behave and what you are allowing to happen!
Sorry to say it, but this
Sorry to say it, but this girl is beyond going to respect you no matter if DH tells her to (disiplines her ect). SHe's got it in her mind she's all big bad and all grown up. She's a couple of months from 18. She's not going to turn back now. If Dad actually attempted to get in her face at this point (as you did last night), she'd turn on him too. DH and/or you would likely be arrested for domestic violence. If she ever pushes you and/or raises a hand against you, have 9-1-1 called immediately. The girl's not 'insane', she just don't give a rats behind what you say/think and she's out of control.
She has pushed you and threatened you. Her buns are outta there. Her using the car again are the least of your worries. I don't know where she's going to go. Don't really care where. But go she is. If DH objects, h*ll, he can go too. This is the guy afterall who was laying asleep snoring away without a clue (or a care) where SD was, what she was doing and oblivious to the scene going on when she did arrive home. I doubt you're going tto get much 'parenting' help out of him.
You cannot control his kid
You cannot control his kid for him. What you can control is what of yours you allow her to use and how you allow her to treat you.
The car is gone. Never to be seen by her again. If you do not have a use for it, sell it or give it away.
Internet? Password protect it.
If you pay for the phone? Disconnect it.
And if that kid EVER lays a hand on you again, you call the cops and have her arrested.
Right before I turned 18 I
Right before I turned 18 I had a rebellious faze and decided it was a good idea to call my SM a bitch and slam doors in her face. My BM had died so I couldn't live with her. My Dad always stood up for SM tho and I was given the choice to leave or straighten up. Thinking I knew everything I moves in with a friend and finished high-school while working to help support myself. I learned pretty quickly that I was the problem and not my SM. Shortly after hs I came back to apologize and was much closer to my SM and had a real respect for her because she wouldn't back down. I guess the difference here is that my Dad supported her and protected her even from his own kids. Sounds like she needs a dose of tough love like I did and a Dad who's not afraid to give it to her!
Follow up.... My H and I had
Follow up....
My H and I had a long conversation this afternoon and I let him know that I would not put up with her behavior and explained to him that it wasn't going to just get swept under the rug this time. That she (SD) had went to far. And I had no problem packing up the boys and myself and leaving bc I was not going to be disrespected in my home. Needless to say he realized how wrong he has been with her and apologized to me continuously. And when she got home he let her have it and when he started this I decided it best if I leave the room bc tbh I am still upset about the situation. But before I did I heard some of what he said and I have to say I am proud and relieved he stood up for me bc I honestly didn't think he was going to. after taking the keys and her cell he then sent her to me to apologize. I know this probably won't be the last time something like this happens but as long as she know that we are a united front and nothing she does or says will change that. I know the apology she gave me was fake and she was made to do it. But just having my hubby stand up and punish her for her behavior was enough. I still will be disengaging bc I feel that he needs to realize not to take what I have done all of these years for granted. I am no ones door mat and I have two bio sons that need me to be at 100%, not angry and bitter all of the time. So we will see how everything goes.