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Telling BMs about your marriage & how I think it should be done

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 12:12pm

I think dh should tell bm about it via email right after he gets the kids for his time, so she'll hopefully have composed herself over her time away from the kids. Kids shouldn't be messengers for stuff like that. Especially when bm will likely give THEM grief over it. Dh told bm about our marriage via an email he sent right after he got the kids for visitation so she wouldn't erupt on them for one more thing.

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Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 12:50pm

How sad that anyone has to worry about breaking the news to the BM. My DH told my Skids BM face to face with kids right there. The BM was excited for us and it wasn't all fake either. Now my Skids BM is looking into remarrying after her partner finishes her schooling. We are happy for them and will help her if we can.

Gabriels Mom's picture

Submitted by Gabriels Mom on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 1:05pm

Yea DH did the same thing. He told BM about our marriage when SS was going to be spending 2 weeks with us for vacation so she had 2 weeks to get over it. According to SS's bestfriend's mom BM went to her house and screamed and yelled and acted like a crazy person.

DH tried to tell her before we got married and she told him they had nothing to discuss. He called her and said "Hey I want to talk to you about something, I've been dating someone for quite awhile, it's serious and I want to marry her." Her response was: "I have no interest in meeting any of your whores" and she promptly hung up. I said "wow babe, how many of us are there?" LOL

I agree it's sad you shouldn't have to worry about breaking the news to her. In co-parenting class/therapy whatever you want to call it- BM demanded that DH tell her when start trying for another baby. I told him not no, but hell no. That is none of her damn business. She will find out AFTER my family and his family and they will find out whenever *I* am ready for people to know.

Anne Boleyn's picture

Submitted by Anne Boleyn on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 1:15pm

I won't feel any need to tell her. We live together now. I don't care what she thinks. Kids can tell her.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 1:55pm

Isn't that kind of unfair to put the kids in that position though, seeing as she likely will flip out on them?

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 2:25pm

No, but I'm saying she probably will flip out on the kids, and the kids may act out because of it. That's a $hitty position for any kid to be put in by both parents- the parent who doesn't tell the other parent and the parent who flips out on the kids for it. I would hope that if BM flips out on the kids, Dad helps them deal with it.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 1:34pm

I have no idea if BM knows or not. I suppose she does - either from our FB status or from SS27.

Don't care.

fakemommy's picture

Submitted by fakemommy on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 1:35pm

We did not tell BM when we got engaged, got married, or found out we were expecting. Honestly, my life does not revolve around being a SM, BM, or her feelings. We call our family with good news, not BM. In fact, she wasn't even a thought during our happy moments, and we did not even consider informing her.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 1:53pm

Out of curiosity, how do you feel about her erupting on her kids about it, and them being hurt and angry about that and consequently acting out (maybe even on you, DH and your bios) about it? How do you feel for your SKs if she got angry towards them about it?

fakemommy's picture

Submitted by fakemommy on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 2:30pm

If she gets angry toward them about it, that is completely on her. She's an adult, I do not control, nor am I responsible for her actions or reactions. If a BM wants a kid to be mad at you, and the kid will fall for it, it is going to happen regardless of what you attempt to do to prevent it. The only thing I can do is be who I am and hope my skid is smart enough to realize what the deal is. Skid HAS called BM out on her bad behavior since age 3, so I don't think age is a factor if you are honest and mature with your skids (and they are going to grow up to be honest and mature people).

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 1:51pm

Same here bm was never on my mind during my happy times. I don't care how she found out. No we didn't tell the boys to and tell bm either. We told family and friends first. Its money of bm business.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 2:11pm

we handled it the same way as you- we skipped off for the weekend and came back hitched Wink we didnt tell anyone until after the fact, and i think she found out from skids.

Just on a tangent here, the ironic thing is she used to have an absolute SHITFIT about me sleeping on MIL's couch when skids were there w/ DH on his weekends- "no sleepovers" was in their papers. but now that she's homeless and dragging the skids around half the time, for the last coupla years they've gotten to see her sharing a bed both with her boyfriend of 3 years AND her other exhusband- they see first hand "Mommy's a whore!" yay! even OSS once said "stupid ho needs to make her mind up." hahahahhaaa

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 06/14/2013 - 2:20pm

I agree with the others we can't control bm and her actions or reactions. Why should that responsiblity be put on us?

Why should we have to stop and care about someone and their reactions that have no place in our lives? The kids yes but the mom no.

It doesn't matter what we say or do or how we go about it we will still be blamed!