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New stepmom venting

Jes_11's picture

Submitted by Jes_11 on Fri, 06/07/2013 - 10:59pm

So I'm kinda new at this whole thing with venting online and all and I'm not sure if it actually works but I figured its worth a try for some feedback. I have read a few people's blogs and its actually made me feel alittle better as though I'm not the only one. Let me start by saying I love my boyfriend and I love his kids without a doubt. But like a lot of other step parents out there I'm kinda getting this "I'm not so important" feedback from him. My boyfriend is a lot older than me (18 years older) he has two great kids (7 and 10). We have been dating for about two years and he has went through a very nasty divorce with his ex. Which kinda makes the whole situation hostile. We pay child support and get the children every other weekend. At first everything was okay but me and my boyfriend were having some financial issues with the child support so on top of taking care of his company I picked up another job to help him with the child support. This job includes working Some Saturdays. I go out of my way to make sure everything is done before the kids get there (house cleaned, food they like there, and even alittle gift from me) but every time it's like something is always wrong with what I do and the 10 year old is quick to point it out and my boyfriend doesn't say anything. On top of that (and I know I might be wrong for saying this) but the 7 year old is ALWAYS demanding attention through the most ridiculous things like we went to the park today and every time he fell down which was like 10 times he came over and told my boyfriend and really just wanted attention. I get it but I work 6 days a week to help support him and all I want is attention from my boyfriend who is a lot older than me! On top of that the 7 year old always wants to sleep with us and he usually lets him. But the worst part is he turns away from me and holds his son. It just makes me feel very unimportant. I keep telling myself it's just a phase and it will pass but the last few months I have found myself becoming quit angry and sad to the point of tears. Don't get me wrong I am not mean or hateful towards the children or my boyfriend but I wonder why I feel this type of jealousy towards the whole situation. And the more I bring it up or try to talk to him about the situation the more angry I become because I feel as though I can't stress my true feelings towards the situation without sounding like a bad person. He has been so stressed out about the divorce and child support and his work that it seems like he has no time for me anymore. Is this common in these types of relationships? So many times I have thought about just giving up but my whole life I have given up and I don't want that to be an option anymore. I really do love my boyfriend and the kids but it is all SO stressful.

Comments

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Sat, 06/08/2013 - 3:01am

Like many if us, you love too deep and do too much. BACK OFF. Give up the second job, or use the money to buy yourself something nice each week.

He didn't ask you to take on that job, but he didn't stop you, and he accepts the support. You get pushed aside byway of thank you. It doesn't change unless you change it.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER love someone so much that you have no love left for yourself. And remember this, if you act like a fool, you will be treated as such. If you love this man, set some standards for yourself, and refuse to be treated like the cook and cleaner. You are supposed to be in arelationship with him, not his benefactor, or friends with benefits. It's all up yo you, what are you prepared to put up with.

Shook's picture

Submitted by Shook on Sat, 06/08/2013 - 9:01am

Mad house is right Sad

I'd turn around & run now sweetie. You don't need a crystal ball to figure out this won't get any easier until they turn 18 or move out of the country.

Preggo and Resentful's picture

Submitted by Preggo and Resentful on Mon, 06/10/2013 - 11:25am

This behavior will get worse if your boyfriend doesn't nip it in the bud now. You have a long time until these kids turn 18...are you really willing to do all this extra work until then? It sounds like you've been taking on a huge burden with these kids that aren't even yours...what happens if you want your own children someday? Just think about how your stepkids will view your child, and how your child will view the stepkids behaviors. You're spoling this man, let him take on the role of dad by himself for a bit and see how he likes it and how much he appreciates you afterwards.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 06/10/2013 - 11:39am

AH turning into "the ghost that orders pizza" syndrome! Have you been told when asking for an adults only nite out: "We spend enough time with each other after work--I don't get to see my kids that often." or "My kids neeeeeeed me--you go ahead without me."

Ok, let me dust off the checklist (Whooshing sound as dust is being blown off)

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him/you at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

Also, not to sound like a Debbie Downer, but the more you do for these children the more it will conflict with what the BM has been telling them about you (whether or not the BM actually knows you) and of course, the BM CANNOT be wrong, can she? This will cause internal conflict and the children will 9 times out of 10, turn their sites against you. Everything you do will become more expected and less appreciated, leaving you both resentful and in the dust. You are still young and can easily get a man who is child free--think about it!