You are here

on again off again mom

Jace's picture

Any one have tips on helping kids cope with a on again off again mother? We have full custody of my three beautiful step children. Iv pretty much become mom without being mom affter thair mothers in and out of jail or running off across the country with boyfriends has left ths kids with a on and off relationship with her. She has been back for about six months affter she ran way for over a year with no phone calls. My husband lets her have every other weekend of witch they are lucky to see her one weekend a month. When they do see hee they come home withdrawn upset and offten plagued with nnightmares affter watching movies like saw and girl with the dragon tattoo all weekend. Our youngest girl is 6 middle boy is 9 and oldest is 12. They come home badmouthing both thair father and I. Being convinced they seen things that never happend. All three are convinced she is right because we do not badmouth her but she makes everything in her life our fault. How can I help the kids and myself deal with the things going on when they get home. The weekends sue bails on them they cry for days over her. They honestly where less upset when she was gone for a year and not doing this I love you I love you not routine. Please any advice helps.

Jace's picture

I wish my husband would see it that way but he is firm on they need to see who she really is. I have tried to convince him to push for supervised visitation. All I can do is try to lessen thair hurt when they are here.

PolyMom's picture

Be thankful it's only every other weekend. I have bio and step kids, and when it comes to step kids and their mom, I let DH call the shots. He shares 50/50 custody, and we constantly have to undo whatever has been said to them. We are currently in court for full custody, an endeavor that started over 18 months ago, and has no apparent end. The kids see a family therapist, which is sporadic at best, and the amount of money that has gone into these things makes me sick to even think about. There is never any guarantee, but the best you can do is love your step kids, and keep your boundaries solid in your home. They'll find out who BM is in time, and getting in the middle of that will only hinder their opinion of you. If she tell them garbage about you and DH, you have to tell them and show them it simply isn't true. I hope everything works out for you.

c-mom's picture

We took the same stance for two years. It was not our place to keep them from her. Now it has been almost a year since the family counselor, SD's psychiatrist, and the schools requested that they not be allowed to see BM. I hate it. Because now when she tries to throw a pity party saying we are keeping her from them, it is true. If she had not been so dangerous with the children, I wouldn't do it again. DH would. But the only thing trying to shelter them from her has solved is that at least now we know they are safe. They definitely are not happy and their bad behavior still remains. Just make sure your kids know that you are there to lend a shoulder to cry on and that they can trust you that you won't tell anything they say if it isn't necessary for their safety and well-being. They need someone to talk to and most kids won't "get their parent in trouble" with the other parent. As long as she is not endangering them, though, I agree that they need to see that she is the only person who has control over her.

P.S. SS10 is about to turn 11 in three days. He approached his father two days ago and said, "Daddy, would it be alright if I invited momma to my birthday party since that is the only time we can get her to come see us?" It is so heart-breaking to hear and you want to protect them, but what they really need is a friend to talk to. The story behind the birthday thing is that she missed two of his birthdays and one of SD's when we did separate birthdays and was then invited to SD's 13th because we knew how important it is for a girl to turn a teenager with their mom there. She showed up stumbling drunk with a new boyfriend at 11am when the party started at 10am. She made a complete ass of herself putting on a show about how much she missed the kids after 8 months of not contacting them and then made the kids go play with the temp boyfriend's son who she also brought ignoring them for the next 45 minutes while she made the rounds introducing the boyfriend who made "so much money". Then she left. And she missed SS's next birthday and SD's next one too but asked her mom to give SD a quarter machine bracelet from her. Our response to his request was, "I'm sorry buddy, but after the way that she acted at the birthday that she made it to, she is no longer welcome at our family functions, but you are more than welcome to call her and ask if she will be meeting you at a park to have her own birthday party for you." He didn't even ask her because he knows that she will not show up if she doesn't get to have contact with DH and I and put on a big "I'm super mom" show in front of our family.

eforest2000's picture

In my situation, DH and BM have 50 50 custody. But, the kids spend most of the time with us. Its hard because BM will lie to the kids about why she cant see them. Other parents have made comments like "the kids look happy when their with their dad. With [BM's name] its hit or miss. When the kids are with us for an extended period, they do reallly well. When they are with their mother, the older one returns a shade more bitter than she was before.

Jmtz2013's picture

The kids are just trying to figure out why BM chooses a life of running instead of them. In due time they will get it. Be patient and get into counseling. It is you who is giving them a foundation / memories / childhood. They will take what you have taught them to learn how to be parents themselves one day.