Kate2009's picture

Advice wanted on Strategies for dealing with Adult Stepchildren

I'm a stepmother and biological mother.

I have some issues at the moment regarding my adult stepchildren.

Their mother has never been able to get over her marriage breakdown and the fact her ex moved on and then met me.

She has been quite toxic where this is concerned without any provocation from my partner or I. She has worked very hard to destroy the relationship between my stepchildren, their father and myself.

My stepkids have for the most part always been indifferent to me. On occasion they have even been rude or condescending as well.

They can barely bring themselves to say hello, let alone hold any form of conversation with me.

When they visit, they treat me almost as though I don't exist, although I can be in the same room as them.

If they have a family even, they will extend the invitation to myself out of obligation to their father, but behave in an unwelcoming manner.

I have tried very hard to make them feel welcome. I have never tried to behave as though I was their mother. I have essentially treated them as I would any other adult I might come into contact with...with dignity and respect. This has definately not been reciprocated and I am really past caring anymore or trying.

The issue I am having now, is I don't want to spend time with them and I don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home.

I'm sick of my partner and them making excuses for their poor behavior.

They would not think it was right to treat any other adult in the same manner, why does my partner accept their behavior towards me?

Am I being unfair to my partner/their father in setting some boundaries to protect myself from this behavior by stipulating that they are not welcome in our home until they can be respectful and courteous?

Are my expectations that their father should set some strong boundaries around this behaviour too much to ask?

How have others felt in this same situation?

How have you overcome those same issues?

I am finding it difficult to find information relating to setting boundaries for Adult Stepchildren.

I feel very alone in this and have found it difficult to find much in the way of information on the subject that is not completely sympathetic towards the stepkids.

All the information I seem to be able to find just seems to validate the feelings of the stepkids and nothing on how things feel from a stepmothers perspective with adult stepkids.

I am trying to find information that I can present to my partner to help him understand how I feel about this.

Sarah101's picture

Hi Kate

You are NOT alone. There are a few of us here who struggle with issues related to adult stepchildren.

I have been dealing with 5 adult skids for just about 10 years now, and as much as I tried, things have never gotten better between us. Their dad divorced their mom years before he met me, yet the way I was treated you'd think I tore their parent's marriage apart with my own two hands.

I tried to be the "better person" for years. I tried to model good behavior. They mistook my efforts as weakness and became even more obnoxious and disrespecful toward me. Why? Looking back, I think they were rude because they knew they could get away with it. Finally, after years of hurt and anger, I disengaged. It was all I could do. They weren't going to change, so I had to change.

My H made all the excuses he could think of to rationalize their rudeness toward me. When I stopped accepting his lame excuses, he even accused me of "not trying hard enough." Finally, I told H that he could have any relationship he wanted with his adult children, but I wouldn't be involved. I wouldn't go to their homes anymore (they made it clear that they didn't want me there anyway), and I didn't want them in my home unless I wasn't there. Most importantly, none of my money would continue to be used to support their lifestyles.

I have been disengaged for well over a year now and it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. H continues to visit them, however I never ask about them like I used to. Our conversations are no longer dominated by their issues, or how appalled I am at their behavior. The only indirect contact I've had was a wedding shower invitation--seems I am still good enough to pump for gifts. I threw the invitation in the trash.

Yes, it's a sad situation. But I strongly believe that my time, energy, and love should be directed toward people who love me back. Life is too short to constantly beat my head against a brick wall and surround myself with people who despise me and my BD--whether it's H's adult children or anyone else. It's like trying to swim in an emotional black hole--I just can't win. What's worse, while dealing with the constant stress and negative energy (or trying to change it), I found that I was neglecting the very people who love me most.

I wish you well and I am sorry that you have to deal with this, Kate. Just keep in mind that you shouldn't be disrespected by anyone at any time, and that includes your H's adult children. If they choose to treat you poorly, you can choose not to place yourself in their presence anymore.

stressed out so much's picture

Wow!!! Thank you for your

Smiling Wow!!! Thank you for your comment. I totally agree with you. I have felt so bad and beating myself up for feeling the way I do for not wanting my adult step kids in my life because they have been so ungrateful but you have made me see that it is about self respect and not about having a cold or bad heart. We do deserve respect and it should matter or waver or even be compromised because they happen to be our spouse's kids. They are adults and should begin to act like it regardless of their adult tantrums.

sqstepperson's picture

The key here is the father of

The key here is the father of skids. What he does sets the tone.If you don't get any support from him and he doesn't squash the bad behavior, then it is up to you to do so.
Set rules, boundaries, whatever you have to do. State your rules calmly, don't let skids push you into getting angry. This is what they want. Speak your mind. Write it all out before you talk to skids.
In the end it will either make a difference or it won't, and you may end up deciding who needs the stress of trying to make it work.
I am in that mode right now after a week long visit by step grandaughter and stepdaughter who is spoiled, manipulative and has her father wrapped around her finger at age 38.
Remember we can never go wrong being honest, and standing up for ourselves. In the end a decent skid will respect that.

driven to tears's picture

I am in the same boat but my

I am in the same boat but my own two bio sons are also paying. Diva stepdaughter needs to be worshipped and have "friends" and family to use. She has taken normal teenage resentments and psychological problems my older bio-son has, along with his father abandonment issues and the fact that policing my Skids took much needed time away from him and turned it around. It is sickening to watch! When he really did need help-like a job or someplace to stay she didn't help him and told me that she couldn't work or live with him. But I'm the bitch who Still takes care of him and them when they needed help! This is a woman who does nothing but feed negativity and alienation to him and she plays head games acting like she cares. She does not like him and never has.Now she is trying to alienate our son-her half-brother from me and I am ready to pounce! That is the last straw! Husband of 20 years is finally starting to see but it's too late. I am so tired of everything being my fault-it is a cop-out and an evil soul that tries to destroy people because they won't play their games. I am disengaging from them and my own older bioson to maintain my sanity and give hubby a wakeup call. The total disrespect and entitlement makes me sick. I really cared about these kids and worked my butt off to make their lives easier and have a semi-normal family life! Husbands that have their heads in the sands are the cause of women everywhere turning from angels to witches and making them sick. Seriously, I already have health problems that prevent me from working so I am stuck. I am disengaging completely. Let their father take care of everything for them-I'm out of their lives or I will do something drastic. At this point, living on the street is better than the situation I am in.

The grass is always greener where the dogs are sh**ting

stopthebullies's picture

It was so great to read these

It was so great to read these posts. I've been dating BF for 2 years and his children - aged 22 and 26 STILL refuse to meet me! They insist their father attend family events but I am not allowed to go. When he finally refused to go without me, they accuse him of not caring about them or his grandchildren. I don't know if this relationship is worth continuing. From what I've read here - this is never going to end...

keeponstriving's picture

You do not want to meet Step

You do not want to meet Step kids 22 and 26 yo for as long as possible. Your problems have just begun, when step kids enter your life, and hence your relationship. In my heart I knew meeting the kids of SO would be a problem before I meet them. The daughter of SO was 24 yo when I first met her. I thought because she was an adult I had dodged a bullet. I allowed SO to pressure me into meeting her. The step daughter has been a wild cat, with her claws out ever since. She, the wild cat, has her father, the Tom Cat, wrapped around her little finger. It is pathetic. SOD wants me to; Leave her daddy ALONE. Hence he will vbe alone, because I will probably never agree to marry him (SO), because of her (DSO). Our relationship will never be about me and him. Our relationship will always be about me, him and her. He gave her the power over us, which is why I can easily cry when I think about how I must always have my own place. i cannot imagine even living with him because of his out of control psycho daughter.

Carlody's picture

Get out while you can!!! I

Get out while you can!!! I have been in this mess for 20 yrs. I 'm sure this statement sounds pretty harsh..but...It will not get better. Lots of promises/conseling/prayer and the lists goes on..Still kid/adult children if they have a mean streak or they are not willing to be sincere in their actions to move forward. Save yourself. Move on. No man is worth this much sacrifice.

Good Luck & God Bless

gwenst's picture

High five for your comment

High five for your comment Eye-wink I needed to hear someone say that. I put in 7 years and have an easy out since we don't even live together. We live in separate homes just 2 miles apart and have had an amazingly loving relationship for all 7 years. All problems surround his kids. Well, that's a cop out. All problems surround the fact that I enable him, to enable his kids. So I figure the only way to break this pattern is for me to stop enabling him. Can't continue blaming the ignoramus-adult-kids who don't have an iota of respect for me, when then aren't expected to respect their own dad. I'm 52 and spent the majority of my life watching my mother abuse the crap out of my dad as my dad stood there and took it. He's 80 and still takes it, and because I can't stand watching it, I forfeit precious time with my aging parents. Is it any wonder that I landed up with a man whose kids do the same thing to him, that my mother did to my father? Does that make me a rescuer? Probably. One thing I learned from growing up with my parents dysfunctional relationship...that no matter how many times I told my dad "save yourself!" he chose to stay and take it. I don't judge him, but I learned what i could and couldn't tolerate. Now I'm in the same bind. Telling a grown man (BF) to "save himself" and demand respect from belligerent adult children. He has no intention on putting his foot down. And if I stay in this situation, I'm no different than he is.

You are right - NO MAN is worth this much sacrifice. Thanks.

graystar55's picture

RUN... it will never change I

RUN... it will never change
I have known a few step children that loved the step mother
I have been in this boat 9 years from the get go, she did not want to meet me, and through some thing I said in anger, that were true. She will not make peace.. mom lives across street and is still in contact with husbands sister (two of a kind)... I feel like the lone ranger in all this and I am bailing out within the week....

Farmgirl69's picture

Run as fast as you can away

Run as fast as you can away from this situation!! I swore I would never be with a man who had children again, but against my better judgement, I did. I wish I would have never married into this whack family with these bratty SD's. Now they are adults and it's worse. Us women should be #1, not live in the foreshadows of step-children. You will NEVER come first. NEVER! Even the Bible says your spouse comes first, then children. Be glad you are not married to him! Get away while you can. As soon as my kids are older, I am gone. I would rather be single than be married with step-kids. My SD has tried to sabotage my marriage and I know she will try again. Of course, in my husbands eyes, what she says is gospel. I will always be second best and so will you! Please, I wish someone would have gave me this advice before I married him. I am also very grateful to have found this website bc everyone has made me out to feel like the bad guy bc I feel this way. Good luck, Hun! Anytime you need to talk to someone who understands, I would love to talk with someone who feels the same way I do.

Fed up wife

gwenst's picture

I near coughed up my water

I near coughed up my water reading what you said about everyone making you out to be the bad guy! I GET IT. It's bad enough being in a relationship with a man who enables his kids to be rude and disrespectful, but it's worse when he is a MARTYR! He dredges up sympathy from his family and friends by telling people that I'm depressed or that my business is struggling, or that I I had a tough childhood. Whatever he has to say to keep up the stellar impression he makes on people. I moved in with him within the last 6 months (I was traveling a lot, so my actual "time" there was less than 6 months) and that's all it took to WAKE ME THE HELL UP. After his daughter left the 3rd or 4th note around the house (notes that were supposed to look like I wrote them), he called me sick and twisted for leaving notes for his kids asking them to pick up after themselves. I had no idea what he was talking about! But to him, I am and would always be the outcast, so he believed what his daughter told him. It took me 9 years to agree to move in with him and before I did, I made sure we discussed Boundaries, Unity, Expectations... That heartfelt conversation (and his heartfelt agreement) wasn't worth the dirt on my shoe. From the very first "issue" involving his kids that I brought to his attention, he went into full INSULT-MODE - telling me I expect too much, I'm OCD, anal, demanding, stubborn, and he sarcastically suggested I get medicated. So it is very liberating to sit here in my very OWN apartment while he shares his house with 3 kids (18 - 24) who don't know how to wash a dish, take out trash, hold conversation, or even say "hello". I cried my eyes out last week when I left - missing the nice moments. But then I noticed how my shoulders came down into their natural position for the first time in almost 9 years - and that's proof enough I made the right decision! I am a firm believer that standing in one's power is rewarded! I LOVE THIS GROUP OF SISTERS!!!

WiseNotWicked's picture

I agree the additude of the

I agree the additude of the SK's father sets the tone, if he does not make it clear that you are family then they will never treat you that way. And most importantly they need to see that you are both happy together, it's hard for kids to be angry when they see genuine love and support in a relationship. All five of my adult steps have gone through various phases of acceptance and now after three years they tell everyone "she makes dad so happy and that makes us happy" Don't give up because even though they are your step children they are your husbands and no matter what that bond can never be broken. It's not easy but nothing good ever is... Best of luck. Note: I am not saying that you should be a doormat by any means, but this may mean you must be stronger and rise above.

keeponstriving's picture

Obviously you have reasonable

Obviously you have reasonable and rational step children. Most of us do not have such a blessing. I have tried to explain to SO that his daughter when she attacks me behind my back she is really attempting to express her deep hatred for her own father. However his heart is filled with love for his daughter, and he refuses for now to see it that way. He says, he loves me too, and maybe soon I will believe him. He has said, when he retires he would be willing to move away from his daughter. Hundreds and hundreds of miles will have to physically exist between him and his daughter for me to consider a future with a father who has a daughter wife.

Roshe's picture

Maybe a frank conversation

Maybe a frank conversation with your BF about boundaries and a relationship between the two of you. If he hasn't let her grow up yet, I doubt this will change. Moving is enticing - but probably not helpful. If the stepD is getting satisfaction of any kind, she can always move too. Dr Seuss - wherever you go, there you are! That goes for problems too. :>) I hope whatever your decision, it's informed, well considered and works out for everyone.

Gravity's picture

Unfortunately, distance

Unfortunately, distance doesn't make it easier. I live up North and my adult skids live down South. It makes it harder because when they do visit, they overstay their welcome. My SS37 just left this morning. He has already called 7 times. He invited his sister47 to our home without telling me. I found out two hours before she came down the driveway. They do everything they can to upset me and cause problems between myself and my husband. They will never stop causing trouble because their father has allowed them to do and say anything they want to me for 20 years. Their BM died of alcoholism and I don't blame her for drinking herself to death. She's at peace now. My husband has a very odd relationship with his son. I understand being close with your children but when your son is trying to set you up with other women while his mother is still alive....that is a sick relationship. My husband is very good to me until his children walk in the door. Then it is like I don't exist. Every other word out of my SS's mouth is the F word....my husband, who doesn't curse in front of me, allows this type of behavior. Both of my Skids have lied to their father to make me look like the bad SM. They lie about everything. My SD is a multi-millionaire, but is as cheap as you know what. We take her three sons for a week every summer. She can't even send us a card for the holidays, but lies and says she did AND sent a gift!! This last visit was the last straw for me. I actually thought I was getting closer to my Skids until they showed their true colors again. I had an argument with my SS because he feels he should be able to come anytime he wants and stay indefinitely. Both of my adult stepchildren (they are both married) don't feel they should have to tell me when they are coming for a visit. In fact, my SS said if he wants to surprise his father and bring ten or fifteen friends to my house, he should be able to do that without prior notice. I was humiliated when my husband took his son's side. He has never had my back, but after all these years I thought he would change. When I'm talking to my husband again, I am going to tell him to go and visit his children on his own so I don't have to be the outcast in my own home. I think they are trying to give me a heart attack! The next time my SS tells me he doesn't want me with his father, I am going to make him an offer. Okay, you want me out of the picture, if your father turns everything over to me (pension, SS, his half of property, etc) and keeps all the bills, your dad can come and live with you! I bet SS would change his toon then!

Generic's picture

I think most children feel

I think most children feel they are always welcome at their parents home. I don't ask my mom if I have permission to go home. Isn't that what "home" means? I get they are not your kids. But they are your DHs and by default, that is their home.

Generic's picture

We're not talking about going

We're not talking about going home to live or "sponge". I am welcome to pop into my childhood home whenever I feel like it. And I want my own children to feel the same way. Sometimes, they will call first to let me know. Sometimes they have to knock lol. But they are always welcome to my home.

For reasons I'm sure are valid, your SS is banned from your home. But that was a decision you and your DH have made and it was yours to make. I am just stating what my personal opinion of what home means to me, my family and other healthy families I know. What is "bullshit" to you, is not to me.

Gravity's picture

Maybe I didn't explain myself

Maybe I didn't explain myself clearly Generic. We live a long distance away. When our friends and family come to visit, they stay an average of 3 days, except for my Skids, who don't feel that I am entitled to know how long they are staying or they DO tell me and then spitefully stay an extra week. Last year my husband and I had made plans to go on vacation, which we haven't had in over 10 years. Unfortunately, we had to cancel our plans and lost a lot of money because my SS came to visit and all the plans were cancelled. This is not the home they grew up in. It is a home that my husband and I bought together. All I am asking for is some common curtesy, some advance notice that they are coming so I can prepare for overnight (or in my skids case, weeks long) guests. I wouldn't just walk in on anyone, including my extended family, without calling at least three days before I planned on visiting. That is inconsiderate and rude. I also would never overstay my welcome. People do have lives of their own and you also have to consider the expense of having extra mouths to feed. I hope I have explained myself clearer.

Generic's picture

I miss so many replies

I miss so many replies because I guess I don't understand how this forum works. I'm sorry ! No, your situation sounds more like the kids are using your home as a crash pad. They need to brush up on their etiquette

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Edited to add, this reply

Edited to add, this reply is addressed to poster Generic.

Popping in is a whole lot different than arriving with suitcases and expecting to be a houseguest for an extended period of time. SHEESH!!!

Marie Fleming's picture

Good remark. We are

Good remark. We are constantly getting pushed beyond our limits. We keep our boundaries regarding over the top request's From DH adult daughter's. It wears one down. The only peace from them is when they are not talking to us.

LyndaLou49's picture

An adult child should feel

Smiling An adult child should feel welcome in their parent's home.....But they should still not be allowed nor expect that they can come home unannounced, uninvited, and bring friends with them!! I would not allow my BC children to do that to me (as I would not do that to them) and I certainly will not allow my SC to impose on me in that way. It is called respect!!! It is NOT their home.. They are adults. They have, or should have, their own homes!!!!!!!! If they don't...then let them deal with it. On the other hand, if they call and ask, I try to make my home welcome and inviting....Simply because I married their dad does not give the SC the right to not be responsible adults.

adalenana's picture

I am right there with you. I

I am right there with you. I have a stepson who is 19 and has dropped out of school. His mom is a piece of work as well and she has brainwashed this boy to hate me etc. I have taken the mental abuse (cursing and threats) my last time. He thinks he is still suppose to come every other weekend and he has no respect for my husband (his dad) or myself. My husband said he is trying to be a smart aleck. This boy has no life and very few friends. He wants to play with remote control cars/trucks and make messes like a 5 yr old. I know he is ADHD/ODD because he can't take any orders etc from authority. We are in the same boat for sure. I just keep my faith and pray that things change. I wish you the best as well as it isn't fun to be put into this predictament.

dodgegal05's picture

I have laid down the law in

I have laid down the law in my realtionship as far as adult skids go. I did it very early in the realtionship and was point blank about my feelings. He doesnt go on vacations and things as such unless I am with him. He and I present ourselves as a team. this ofcourse drives the skids nuts. They have quit calling/coming around since df started standing up to them.
As far as the realtionship with the skids it will never happen. I have come to this relization and feel better about it. I am polite to them, but do not go out of my way to talk to or do anything for them.
Your H needs to realize how his actions have hurt you and not ever do anything like again. His actions just supported their childish treatment of you. He needs to grow a back bone.
I would never let my df go to their moms (his ex, he is the skids step dad) without me. Just as I would never go see any of my exs without him. Its common respect in my opinion.

"They never even gave me a first (chance) so I am not giving them a second." Me

stepmamablues's picture

I Agree with you!!! I have

I Agree with you!!! I have been married to my hubby for nine years now and while we have a great marriage, his two grown step-daughters have always been a dark cloud in our lives!! I came along WAY after their mother & him divorced and these two are now 40 and 36 years old!! Both are married and have children of their own, so one would THINK there would be no problems!! WRONG!! From day one, older SD made sure she staked out her territorial rights and let me know in every way possible that SHE was NOT going to accept me!! Younger one is more suble about her nasty and rude behavior!! I have done everything I could these past years to try and make friends with them, have done flip flops to win their approval all to no means!! I have quite a few friends who also have grown step-children and we have all come to the same conclusion, no matter what you do it is a NO WIn situation!! Every time one of them calls they have to ask to speak to THEIR DAD like I don't know who he is!! In the past year I have learned to just ignore them, and not even think about them any longer! My theory is this: You haven't lost anything you never had and beleive me, I can do without these two for the rest of my life!!! Now you may wonder what Dad is doing all this time! Well being that he is a passive fellow, he doesn't like to make waves in any direction and that is okay but there ARE times that boundaries need to be set and he should have done this from the first and maybe we wouldn't have had some of these problems with his girls!! But I have also found that most dads are alike in this aspect!! But anyway, i just want you to know that I agree with everything you said in your post. You couldn't have said it any better!!! Thanks girl!!!

FaithL's picture

Stepmamablues, sounds like

Stepmamablues, sounds like you and I are in alot of the same type of situation, my SDs are 33 and 35. I was just curious, does your husband stand up for you when there is conflict? My husband is also very passive and has only one time stood up to me in these situations, and only with the less agressive daughter. Please let me know how your husband handles thing - you sound like you are at a much better place than me. Thanks.

stepmamablues's picture

Hi Faith! Thanks for your

Hi Faith! Thanks for your message and yes, it does sound like we have much in common as far as our dear darling step daughters are concerned!! My hubby, like I said in last post, is a good fellow, but he will not stand up for me ever, but at the same time he doesn't actually take their side either!! I think he is caught in the middle and also knows it too, so he doesn't know what to do about it. I will tell you this, it took a long time for me to come to some sort of terms with those two. the first year of marriage, I was so upset most of the time as the oldest one was really on her campaign to do whatever she could to cause trouble! if she wasn't calling every single day to spend HOURS talking to HER dad, then she would have her mother call!! there was no reason for that as this girl like I said is now 40 years old!! Once hubby was in hospital and i did the right thing and did call his daughters and what did I get for my troubles?? Older SD informed me that her and HER mother talked and had decided that HER dad would quit work, and move close to them!!! I was livid!! Another time same one had a wild eyed hissy fit because HER DAD had made me his insurance benificiary!! We don't normally hear from older one these days. Usually once a year she rears up and starts some sort of trouble. Younger one had new baby last fall. ( second child ) I made her four or five baby blankets, several sweater sets and sent them to her. Never got a thank you!! Several years ago, same one called and said she had sent a special invitation to HER Dad to attend her oldest child's birthday party but it had come back! she did that several times trying to make it look like I had not given him his mail!! she is the same one who loves to "accidently" send her mama's photos to us on occasion. Gosh i could go on and on and probably write a book about those two evil things. LOL!! The best advice I can give you is to completely ignore them and stop trying to win their approval as it will never happen. I just don't think about mine anymore and I pretend they don't exist as that is the only way I can deal with it. If I get thinking about them, I get mad all over again. As far as your husband is concerned, he sounds like mine and is caught in the middle and probably doesn't know what to do with them. Really what CAN you do??? Live your life and go on and enjoy your husband and remember, he IS married to you!! Do write back and let me know how things are!! Believe me, stepchildren are NO picnic and if I had of known what I was in for, I don't think i would have ever married again!!

French Val's picture

I felt so alone till I read

I felt so alone till I read all your posts !!!! Thank you for REALLY helping me as I thought I was going crazy !!! Similar story here ....2 stepdaughters aged 33 and 26 who have made my life a misery from day one practically . I would just disengage totally and never allow them in my house ever again but I put up with so much because I love and respect my husband . I also have 2 daughters who live in different countries - big difference .....my girls are charming , laid back and just happy when we get together . I have tried so hard , in fact I'm still trying. I get bitchy comments all the time , I could write a book . Last week was eldest's birthday ( she has no friends and has never had a boyfriend !!!! ) I kindly suggested taking her to a restaurant , bought birthday presents , as father is always busy with working . During the meal I mentioned that we were spending Christmas with my family this year !!!! She threw a tantrum in the restaurant , crying and sobbing . The father looked at me daggers and the daughter was still crying when we took her home . I don't tghink I can take anymore of this . My husband just thinks that if he doesn't say anything everything will work itself out . He just sits there ...... I just feel like packing and leaving . I love my husband very very much but how can I live with these 2 bitches who phone all the time and demand his attention . My house is also full of their stuff . I sometimes feel that I should never have married him . I just thought they will get on with their lives and leave us alone . I kind of calm down till the next time .......


Runninmom's picture

You are not going crazy! All

You are not going crazy! All you can do is be polite but put up the boundaries and worry about yourself. Sounds selfish but you have to take care of you.

skeeter's picture

DH has never defended me! He

DH has never defended me! He just "doesn't say anything". That's his answer to it all. At least I know it's not just me, when I read these comments. It is miserable, if you let it be. I try to just have something to do or some place to go, when they show up. DH is welcome to have them to visit anytime. He is welcome to go to their place and visit anytime. If they didn't live in the same town, it would be much easier; but they do. It is very difficult; but if you are like me, you love DH and you are working at it the best you can. Just keep yourself true to yourself. I have friends, hobbies, etc. to keep me disengaged from SD52. She loves to gossip and cause trouble. I stay away from her as much as possible. She reports EVERYTHING to BM and anyone that will listen. BM live 8 hours away, thank God. I go this alone; most of the time I can handle it; there are rough times, I just try to work at it as it comes. I don't look back and I live in the moment. Of course I'm keeping in mind an escape. Good luck! I feel bad for anyone that has chosen to love a man and has to put up with the baggage. Stay cool! Cool

bakluba's picture

Wow, it was like Sarah101

Wow, it was like Sarah101 wrote this for me too. I know how you feel Kate.

The part where Sara101 writes... "I tried to be the 'better person' for years. I tried to model good behavior. They mistook my efforts as weakness and became even more obnoxious and disrespecful toward me. Why? Looking back, I think they were rude because they knew they could get away with it."........... wow, wow. its like my life and my dh says nothing to sd. I feel VERY disrespected by him... it rips my heart into. If my adult sons would even think about treating dh like that i'd put them in their place, but then again my kids wouldnt do that anyway.

For the last 10 mo. dh and i have been the caregivers for sd 3 young children. CPS took them and placed them in foster care. Sd had no problem with the children coming to live with us until CPS sees her fit to go back home instead of foster care.

Sd still continues to say the most nasty things about me... how can she hate me so much and allow me to be caring for her children.... (i honestly think she thinks it will tear our marriage apart... and its WORKING) Not due to the children... i love them so much and would do it again but sd knows she can say stuff and hurt me and he says nothing and she knows it hurts me. I'd stand by him... against ANYONE.

I feel for you Kate.... I have no advise (because I am at wits end myself as to what to do) I really do not see myself being able to disengage with out DIVORCE...I have told sd she is not welcome in my (our) home because sd cursed at me and slammed my door knocking things off the walls shortly after we took in the children. Sd will not disrespect me in my home ever again... no freakin' way. I will follow this because I too need HELP.

gotta keep on Smiling

Runninmom's picture

I can totally relate to this

I can totally relate to this one. My SD35 treats me like a bag of rocks (unless she needs money for something then she is sweet as sugar). I spent years telling my husband "I do not think she likes me" and he says "you are over reacting." He did not get it. So finally over the last few years he is starting to turn around and can see where i am coming from. He sees the little digs disrespect and passive agressiveness. I feel like i do, do, do, in order to somehow get her to like me, despite the fact that i got and will never get anything in return. And finally had my own aha moment when we had a family vacation in March. We paid for pretty much everything for her, her husband and 4 kids (because they are supposedly broke). We got back and i felt violated, why? Neither my husband or myself even got so much as a "thank you" then to top it off she puts about 150 pictures up on facebook and i am not in one! After being a part of this family for 20 years it finally dawned on me that this is where i rank, i am invisible.

So now, i guess like we all do, you think about your own boundaries and what is important. It is not her bitchy self, it is my husband and my little boy. I stopped sending cards or money or anything for holidays or birthdays. It feels good to disengage and start putting myself first instead of waiting for approval from someone that is never going to accept you or treat you more than a wallet.

Thanks for sharing your stories Smiling

marketingpro's picture

My Skids are not mean, but

My Skids are not mean, but they are ingrates!!! My SS25 is happy to ask for gifts and expensive dinners from us, but rarely can say Thank You. The last time we met them at an expensive restaurant, he and his GF ordered expensive aged alcohol on my tab, never said thanks, and they have never offered to buy us so much as a glass of wine (he takes his mother, "the victim", to expensive dinners all the time). He has never said happy birthday to me and didn't congratulate his father (my husband) when we were married. We paid for an outrageously expensive vacation to Italy for husband's two kids and SS brought his GF. They barely acknowledged me for two weeks except to make rude or hurtful remarks to me or my husband. He actually yelled at my BD and made her cry. And of course I was never thanked for the trip that I planned and paid half of. I never get a Christmas present or even a card, but they don't have any problem sending me their wishlist of expensive ipads and clothes. Hubby just keeps telling me that time will fix everything but after reading these posts I'm not feeling optimistic.

At least I know I'm not alone and if things don't improve over time I won't feel guilty about disengaging from SS and refusing to be around him. Thankfully SD20 is sweet and I feel like we are developing a relationship. Her brother is a mama's boy AND an elitist who looks down on me and most everyone else.

keeponstriving's picture

I too am the invisible woman.

I too am the invisible woman. Most significant others or step mothers in scenarios in which children exist from a previous marriage, will find their picture is never taken, or displayed. I am glad to be the invisible women for now because I fear if daughter of So sees me she can find me in her viewfinder and I become a target. i would rather be out of sight, hence out of mind.

only1zima's picture

Wow the story seems to all be

Wow the story seems to all be the same no matter what you do, no matter how you try you are just wrong. My husband and I both have daughters from our first marriage, both are over 34 years of age one is a grandmother now. We have been together for 13 years now, many of the years just the two of us celebrating holidays. At first it was so hard, I cried and cried, but as the years go by it gets easier. I have had only 1 christmas with my daughter in 13 years and two with his daughter. We tried living on the same road as his daughter result disaster! We sold and moved away. We now live in a different state away from both of them been here for 4 years, both have only visited 1 time each (strained visits). We have both tried to be there for them giving and giving of course we get none of the glory or even a simple "thank you" (same thing said over and over) The ex's get it all, we get nothing. It took me 13 years to even talk to my ex! I can actually and honestly say that I hate both of them! I pray that when and it will come that the ex's come to terms with what they have done and the girls will find it in their hearts not to hate them. This christmas we decided not to buy presents, we usually get way stupid gifts from my kid and nothing from his. I gave a computer (old one) to a neice and old used coat to a newphew lordly his daughter freaked out! First I get accused of hiding pictures of the grandkids from my husband, the one will be one next month we have now a total of two pictures of that child. Then it went like "That woman!"... on and on... because my husband forget about the picture! Acting like a 2 yr old, I couldn't believe my ears! I told me husband it is now our turn to choose, if they don't like it too bad! We are planning on moving far away from both of them in 2 years and I am looking forward to it! It is our time in life to worry about us and have fun just he and I. I will not allow them to rob us of anything else no one more minute! His daughter doesn't know us until the holidays then she calls and tells my husband to buy $500.00 headlights for her son right! Not going to happen. We are going to enjoy our life, nothing is ever going to change! I am completely over it! They both are selffish brats that need to learn to grow up! My husband is a good guy and I am a great person I will not allow them to break us down. They are the ones that are making the biggest mistake in their lives, when the ex's move on where will they be?? I never asked for this crap and I will not allow them one more second of our lives! There is no room no handouts here go back to your other parent see what you get! When you grow up let us know!

wonderwhy's picture

Awesome advice Sarah101!!

Awesome advice Sarah101!!

Thank you so much, this too has helped me. I love your statement where you believe that your time, energy and love should be directed toward people who love you back!! Awesome!!

CinderellaSucks's picture

Sarah101, I have been doing

Sarah101, I have been doing this too: "I tried to be the "better person" for years. I tried to model good behavior. They mistook my efforts as weakness and became even more obnoxious and disrespecful toward me. Why? Looking back, I think they were rude because they knew they could get away with it." But she does not openly show her disrespect, oh no, she's too clever for that. Whenever I stand up for myself and not give in to what she wanted, she goes crying to DH or if that didn't work, go to her BM. BM then harrasses DH. DH, who is trying to maintain camadarie w/ his bully-of-an-ex-wife, comes back to me to ask me to do what the diva wanted! This is her cycle of terror! After she moved back with her BM, our household became peaceful, comfortable and harmonious. No more stress or tension.

But she's in town (thankfully, just temporarily) to visit her boyfriend and she wanted to come to our house. I do not want her coming around at all, because I know she thinks I'm her PA. Her boyfriend has a young son and she used to try to ask me to babysit this boy. So that's why I think she has been calling now (when she moved out, I never heard from her at all, not even when I have sent her gifts on her birthdays); she wants to see if she can force me to babysit again and also to see if she can stay in our house (her boyfriend still lives with his parents).

I wish my BD and I can just come and go as we please without worrying about SD showing up! It's scaring my 5 year old, which makes me more irritated with SD. I wish she will just leave us all alone. I can't wait for next week when she goes back home to her BM (they live out of the country)!

I also wish every SP who find themselves in the same situation will find the their own "quiet place" and wish that adult SKs will stop spreading their misery to people who only wanted to be a part of their lives and to be truly a friend to them. I hope that one day, they will also become SPs who have SKs like them and a DH or DW like their respective mothers and fathers. Only then, would they remember and feel the situation they have put their own SPs in.

Be strong and of good courage; be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for the Lord your God is with you whenever you go.
--Joshua 1:9

Lupe's picture

So, how can a person

So, how can a person disengage from an adult step daughter who lives in YOUR home, and your husband financially supports her and ALL her actions and does everything for her so that there can be peace in the home. When the husband is the enabler and 90% of the other family members all get along, except for this one grown adult, is there really any solution besides divorce or live in a nasty and disrespectful home? Sure could use some advice.

ESMe's picture

We are in same boat Lupe. I

We are in same boat Lupe. I still don't have the answers though. Still trying to get my SD out of my home. Her father is the same way as your husbands. This is so emotionally exhausting sometimes I just can't stand it.

Pelican's picture

Hello and I think you are

Hello and I think you are doing the right thing by staying away and keeping out of the situation with your adult skids. Being a target is never a good thing but unfortunately that is what happens when the skids are allowed to disrespect us. My husband has two ex-wives and they are friends...two skids by one ex and one skid by the other. I have felt alone for so long (16 years)with no support or back-up from my husband...they are so ugly to me that I finally had to get some counseling just to keep my sanity.

The two oldest skids are in their thirties(boys)and their mother remarried and is now divorced...third skid is in his late twenties (boy) and his mother remarried and divorced. Skids always invite their mother and second ex to every function and it is very uncomfortable for me, I am positive they do that on purpose. Also, the second wife sends pictures of herself to my house (crazy) and she shows up at every funeral and just takes over..it's shocking. She sent an 8 x 10 photograph (wedding picture) of her once new husband and herself to my mother-in-law in the nursing home...it goes on and on.

My husband got a tattoo and the skids called me and cussed me out...told me it was my fault. Their dad has gained about twenty pounds since we got married as he is not very active and getting older...the constantly accuse me of his weight issue??? When they come to my house they go through my pantry with their girlfriends and take stock of what kind of food we have so they can call the other skids and ex's to stir-up stuff. They constantly complain about our house and it's contents. By the way the ex's were married to very rich men and we are just an average income family. Presents are never good enough, food is not expensive enough...I give up and that is probably the best thing that I could do.

I have also came to the conclusion that I want to keep them out of my life!! However, I will let them come to our house and I will be pleasant, but I will no longer go overboard trying to make conversation with them... for they have no desire to be kind or concerned about anything but gossip, and I don't want to live like this anymore. Finally, I got enough courage to tell my husband that I would no longer go to their houses or be a part of their lives...just want to surround myself with people that don't play games.

My advise is to stay away from their hate...we are the target and nothing we do will ever be appreciated so just have a new plan for what you will and will not accept. When a husband or partner is not helping the situation by backing you up...there's nothing you can do but get even. I have tried everything just as I am sure you all have too....nothing works but keeping distance from the situation. Plan to go out and enjoy life instead of taking all the blame for being the new spouse. I say " what goes around comes around".

Pelican Lover

MultiMom's picture

I know this is a post from

I know this is a post from some time ago, but i want you to know your writing was refreshing and very helpful. So often there is a long litany of an event instead of a simple reference to painful behaviour.

I have an added twist to my situation , i have two biological daughters that are contacted by my step son, who has unequivocally stated he only wants a relation ship with them and his dad, my husband and their father.

After 20 years I have told this young man i am no longer going to have any relationship with him, and that has been so healing for me. There is one small twist however,

Now that the Holidays are here, he calls and speaks to everyone in my home, except me , or stops by if he knows i am not here.

The problem with all of this is that i feel that my own family is engaging with someone who is treating me badly for no reason at all, and this hurts.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

farmers wife's picture

Multimom, why does SS not

Multimom, why does SS not want any contact with you?
I empathize with you in that it hurts that family members are OK with behavior of my SD, who has treated me and her father badly. I don't get that either. All I can say in my situation is that they have their own way of dealing with her and I have to try to accept that. They say "that's how she is" and just go on.
His treating you like that isn't ok in my book. What does hubby say?

The longer I'm married, the stronger my bullshit radar gets

FEDUPLADY's picture

Hi Kate, Hi Sarah, I, too

Hi Kate, Hi Sarah,

I, too have the same situation. I am dealing with 2 adult step children - female (c) is 34 and male (j) is 30. For 10 years my husband and I have given money, weekend parents to c's 3 children, given free cars paid for the registration, lavish them with lovely gifts at birthdays and Christmas. We have opened up our home to them. We have a pool and C and her 3 kids, sometimes her friends, too are at our home at least 6 days a week enjoying what we have, they wash their cars and their friends cars at our home once a week. Over the 10 years, these children of my husband have been rude, disrespectful and just plain disgusting. C likes to talk to her Dad about her sex life in GRAPHIC detail. I am only invited into C's home if it is gift giving time, birthdays and Christmas. We send them a card and cash for their birthdays and they never even send me a card for my birthday. What hurts about that is the fact that C can't even be bothered to pick up a card for the grandchildren to give to me. But, my husbands always receives cards from his children. They always thanks him for the wonderful things he does for them. The fact is that I am by his side helping. I am never told thanks. My husband thinks this is all in my head and I am over reacting. As of last April, I have banned his children from our home. I figure they don't have to like me but they do have to respect me. If they don't like me then they are not welcome to use me for what I have anymore. I have to tell you...banning them was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. It is sad in some respects. My husband and I will not be spending Xmas toghether because he would rather spend 1 hour on Christmas to see his daughter than ride up North with me to see my family. Yes, last Christmas C had to go to a party on Christmas night. We visited with C for 20 minutes before she took off to party. Her children were all over me saying that family should be together on Christmas. I told them to tell their mother to stay home. These are only a few issues I have touched. I would lover some feedback and see if there are more people out there like me who's step children are ruining our marriages.

Lifestooshort's picture

Hello, I am brand new to


I am brand new to this site ...so it is probably obvious I am a Stepmom of 3 adult children and I have 2 adult children.
We recently found ourselves in a situation where the 2 youngest, both young men, 1 BS and 1 SS lost their jobs and needed our help. We volunteered to help - to certain degrees - but not "Fix it"

Last night the SS repeated his traditional disingenuous behavior garbage and did exactly what my husband and I knew he would, but H is more passive and calm than I am.
I lost my temper and told this young man exactly how I felt about his behavior and his disrespect and told him I would remove myself from the room so my attitude did not stop the conversation that needed to take place.
He decided to leave and stay in a hotel, which he had already set up with his mother dear - and my husband took him to the hotel.
Last night was the first night since we have been together that my husband did not say I love you before going to sleep.
AAAAAARGH!!!! Not sure whether to apologize to the kid or not.

AVR1962's picture

Sarah, good advise! Your

Sarah, good advise! Your situation sounds ever bit like my own and the only way I can see sanity for myself is to disengage. My steps were allowed to be rude to me by their father and bio mom, and as much as I defended myself it was really still the bio parents that reinforce the child's actions (even as adults).

Husband and I have been married 20 years, his sons are 29 & 31. Husband had full custody but it seemed as small children he was trying to make friends out of his boys and could not step to the parent plate which caused us alot of hardship in our marriage.

Younger SS 2 years ago sent us a bunch of nasty emails telling us off, telling us we would never know his child as our grandchild. Now husband is talking to spoiled brat SS and wants to brush all his harmful words under the rug like they never happened. SS never apologized and this is not a first for this boy so I see my husband giving in once again to this brat's demands and I am expected to accept it. I flat out told him I would have nothing to do with his son, I was done, and I told him I felt he was allowing an awful lot of control from his son by never expecting anykind of an apology for what he has done. Husband feels he wants to have a relationship with his son, which I do understand, but at the same time I would NEVER allow my children to disrespect my husband so this really fries my hide!

judyrandy's picture

Sarah, you are so right! I

Sarah, you are so right! I am going through this just as I type and I just now made the decision after being married four years to my now wonderful husband, that I will no longer deal with his adult children. He feels that it will be difficult to separate ourselves this way, but I think it will take a load off me and I may start to enjoy life much more. The stress of their ignoring, their harsh actions and short answers when asked anything is just too much. I have been labeled as a "people pleaser" because I tried too hard to gain some respect and grace. Told I tried to hard and was annoying. I too, just recently was made to feel like a stranger in my own home this past 4th of July weekend and that is when I said, enough. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone in this and that I am doing the right thing for myself. Smiling

Texas Desperate

depressedstepmom's picture

Sarah, you hit it on the nail

Sarah, you hit it on the nail with your reply. Your mention that your "time, energy and love should be directed toward people who love me back and life is too short..." was excellent advice for me. I have spent the afternoon feeling depressed, crying, and all because after 10 years of trying I seem to always be doing something wrong in the eyes of my four adult stepchildren. My faith tells me to forgive and forget and for the most part I have, however, I cannot tolerate the disrespect from them anymore. What makes it even worse is that my husband is easily intimidated by them so I never feel his support. Thank you, thank you I am going to begin doing what you have and that is to try to become as disengaged from the situation as I possibly can. It won't be easy since some of them live nearby.

Cila's picture

Sarah my 1st time and

Sarah my 1st time and allready feel rhat there ia someone who knows what I'm going through.Sson mother pass away when he was 2yrs, eversince my husband took care of him, he is now 27yrs, then there is 2 other adult schildren 28 and 29 then our girls, 17 and 11.Rhe one of 27 who stayed with my H giving me trouble.My H fals for everything.He use drug, my H still give him money. He came in the house one day and point with finger in my face say he dont know whats my problem, my H didnt say anythig.I feel that its best if we stay out of site.My H blame me for not making peace with him, I dont want to for the fact that he uses my H and manipulate the situation knowing my H wont tell me when he give him money.I was looking for blog like this please tell me its gonna be ok, said to myself wont allow him to break up my marriage

bear99's picture

Thank Goodness I found this

Thank Goodness I found this page and this comment in particular. I am married to a man who has three adult children - we got together when his children were about 10 (daughter) 12 (son) and 14 (daughter). His son came to live with us when he was 14 because his mother and grandparents "couldn't handle" him anymore. This young man lived with us from the age of 14 until he was 19 and had graduated high school. At that point his dad told him to pick a branch and join the military. My SS joined the Navy and upon completion of basic training, he seemed to be going in the right direction - wrong answer. He is now just as ignorant towards me as he was when he lived here - he is a user - and now after 7 years in the Navy, he is getting out, moving back to our area, with a pregnant wife and no job on the horizon. I went through a lot of trouble with him, and after a lot of turbulance, finally had enough. He and I got into an argument on the phone, during which he called me a vulgar name....that was the final straw. I told my husband, I no longer want to be anywhere near his son - they are his children and he can visit them when ever they'll have him around - the daughters have no relationship per se with their father, but the son does. I have been blamed for their lack of a relationship (of course) and any number of things. Their father and I got together well after he split from their mother. I have asked that if the son is coming to visit, I want to know in advance so I can make other plans, if his son shows up somewhere we are at, I will leave - it's happened once after I asked not to be around his son and I left. I have also told my husband, WE will not support his son financially either - he was offered other positions in the Navy and turned them down, so he did this to himself; it would be different if he was getting discharged and had no choice - he did and made his choice and I don't feel as if I should have to support him because he didn't want to stay in. His son and family are not welcome to live with us either - he can stay with his mother. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I will no longer deal with an adult who treats me the way his son does.

Most Evil's picture


Kate, Sarah101 has laid it out perfectly. Don't feel it is something YOU can 'try harder' and solve, you alone cannot repair your relationship with adult skids - they have to contribute too.

There is little support for the stepparent role in the media or real life, as you will see if you read all the entries here.

Don't take ANY of this personally, don't let it get you down, don't let it ruin YOUR real life. You are not alone, we are all in similar boats and are here for you.

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?'
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

If you are going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill

Holly's picture

Adult Step Children

I have two adult step children, although I use the term 'adult' loosely. His daughter is 20 going on 13. Although I met their dad after he was divorced, they treated me with hostility and disrespect from the beginning. Playing ugly games, they would pit their dad against me by refusing to attend a holiday function if I was there. We went to counseling and I was routinely told by both the counselor and my husband that it was not 'me' - they would react this way to anyone.
My counselor told me to try to accept their jealousy and understand it. I was told that I should behave with greater graciousness and understanding.
I extended invitations for dinner and brunch. I emailed wonderful videos and employment ads that were specific to her major (she is not happy in her current job). I bought presents for her and encouraged her dad, my husband, to buy special small things 'just because'.
She rarely initiated any phone calls to him and never initiated any outings. When visiting she would bring over pictures of things she wanted him to buy or vacation places she wanted him to send her. It was always about what he could buy for her.
When we got married, she became very intoxicated at the wedding and began maligning me to my own children. They removed themselves from her presence and told her they did not appreciate hearing her talk about me that way. The culmination of our wedding evening was when I had to search to find my husband and followed the loud screaming voice. She was screaming at him for marrying me, telling him that he shouldn't have, telling him that she was abandoned, telling him that I was a bad person. He just took it. I went to bed alone - it was my wedding night.
Today, my husband feels it was not a big issue - his daughter was 'just hurting'. And she had a right to her opinion/view.
Today my husband thinks that all the alienation experienced between his children and himself is 'my fault'.
Today if she says anything, my husband immediately points a finger at me angrily defending his poor, poor daughter.
Today, her disrespect is greater than at the beginning.
For Father's Day, they specifically asked that I not join because "it isn't about you - it's just about us."
Their appreciation is non-existent.
Today - I'm done. I told my husband that she is no longer allowed in this house if I am here. At first my husband agreed to this - but now he is balking, claiming that I am responsible for the alienation between he and his children. That it is all my fault.
I've gone from being told it is not me and patience - to being told that I must be gracious and understanding - to being told it is all my fault.
This is a NO win situation no matter what you do FOR them.
The only thing you can do is protect your own feelings of hurt and abandonment and disrespect - and distance yourself from the beginning. Surround yourself with people who are loving.
If a step-child exhibits this behavior from the beginning - they ARE NOT going to change - their behavior is enabled and supported and will only drive you crazy as you try to understand why they hate you so much when you have done nothing!
Keep distance.

Alaskan's picture

Not that this will help with

Not that this will help with a solution to this common step problem, I have not found the solution yet. But it helped me to know this is the result of the relationship, not me or the step kids. The more I read stories from fellow stepmothers, the more I realize how our problem are mostly the same: children feeling the new wife is taking their parent away; if their dad makes a decision they don't like, it's because the new wife brainwashed him; the step mother feeling they are walking on eggshells when the step kids are around, because the step kids compete with and contradict the step mother; the step mother feeling the need to please the kids and make them like her regardless of how nasty they treat her; the step kids thinking that everything belongs to their parent, not realizing what the step mother has contributed too. This has helped me alot. But how to deal with the fact my step son just spent an hour or so complaining to my husband about how nasty I am and how I cannot get along with anyone; guess I just need to work harder to prove him wrong...but peacefully, with love not nastiness.

stepmom1705's picture

I'm in the same boat as

I'm in the same boat as several. The oldest (34) is the worst and always has been. My husbands other 2 aren't nearly as bad. I can manage their attitudes. SS34 has threatened to make sure we never see the grandkids again. Every time we buy something for ourselves, he has his hands out for something equal in price...feeling he is entitled. I have no idea why he does this and I'm not going to take the time to try and figure it out. Little does SS34 know (and all the others Skids) if their dad and I do something or buy something, it usually is on my dime, not their dads.

The final straw was this xmas. I bought all the presents for my son's family, my husbands kids and grandkids. Bought and cooked the meal for all of them. If they want to ignore me...fine. But do not go after and gang up on my one bio son. My bio son is having his first child this year. Now they decide to go after him?? I've been contemplating being removed going forward and after reading all these posts, I'm going to really do it this time. The wedge SKIDS are trying to put in between my bio son and I isn't going to work. The Skids are about to learn a very hard lesson... especially the oldest. Life as they knew it will be changing and all due to their behavior, not mine.

Everyone on this post is right. I would never allow anyone else to treat me like this and keep coming back for more. I truly hope it improves the situation but if it doesn't, the monkey will be off my back and I'll actually have some money in the bank again. My husband is fully aware of their conduct and, like others have said, has his head in the sand. He knows the changes that will have to be made and is OK with it. Doesn't seem to have any issues with me doing this....right now. Time will tell if that will hold.

StepAside's picture

Can't figure out if this

Can't figure out if this thread was brought back from a spammer or not. But if it's still active, amen to keeping the distance!


Orange County Ca's picture

Stop trying.

From what I've experienced and from what I've read about the experiences of others trying to win the kids over is a waste of your time and emotions.

In my experience once you stop trying two things happen. First you divorce yourself from the expectations you're harboring. It takes two sides to play this game. They are needed so they can reject you. You are needed to be rejected. Once you're not in the game the game is over.

Second - once they come to realize you're not fazed by their behavoir they MAY start to thaw. Leave yourself open to their reaching out if they do. It may take years - meanwhile act in the following manner:

You're polite to them when in their company. You graciously accept any invitations given and don't question the motives with your husband or anyone else. You ignore low remarks - you simply don't respond. You don't walk away. You're a guest in their home you do not act rudely no matter what. You either fall silent (not in a condescending way) or you change the subject (but not with false cheerfulness).

If you are in your own home when they visit you leave them with your husband. You greet them politely when they arrive and as soon as you see they're continuing their behavoir you give your excuses to leave. It doesn't have to be elaborate but if you're going to read the newspaper do it in the other room. I.e. don't be rude while keeping away from them. An excellent way is to have another engagement. You're "visiting a girlfriend". It's OK if they see that you're just making excuses but don't elaborate on the issue. Go see a movie if necessary.

Be straight forward with your husband about all of this. Not angrily or argumentative just straight forward. You don't have to explain why he already knows why.

Listen: you lived decades without these people - you'll survive nicely without them in the future.


There's an exception to everything I say.


I've observed humans for 70 years and dogs for 10. I prefer the dogs.

sammysgirl's picture

thank you for this blog. it

thank you for this blog. it helped me.

coolmom's picture

adult sd and grandkids

I agree with everyone when they say if you cant get the respect you deserve in your own home from kids that should know how to act than I would be done also. I've been in the similiar situation with our grown sd who just came into our lives a year ago. You give and give like you treat your own kids only to be kicked in the teeth for whatever reason that the kid and their mothers have made them believe that we (the wives) are the reason they couldnt hold it together in the first place. It never matters what is said or done if they dont want to be civil and grown up what is the point to have these resentful little snobs in our lives. We wouldnt let others treat us like that why should we let their kids do it. We dont let our kids run over us they should be no exception. And Im sorry any man that would let them treat their wives like this also should be kicked to the curb also. I know my husband would never let his or our kids treat me like crap it makes no difference in my opinion.

Kate2009's picture

I've posted a lengthy

I've posted a lengthy response that seems to have gone astray. So in short I wanted to say thank-you to each of you for your responses.

I feel a lot more resolve now that I have done the right thing and that I am not merely being selfish.

Sarah, you have summed up my thoughts and feelings perfectly. Your situation with your stepkids sounds very much like mine, even the bit about blaming us in some strange way for their parents marriage falling apart. Even though I did not meet my partner until well after they were separated and already living in seperate houses.

I have discussed this many times with my partner, but he has failed to take them to task on it or set boundaries with regards to it as strongly as he should. I think he just buries his head in the sand hoping it goes away so that he doesn't have to deal with it.

Now that I've put my foot down and told him no more and have refused to accept this latest invite, he is upset enough with having to attend on his own that he has told me he will be dealing with it. I'm just not convinced he will stand strong with them on it and I honestly don't know that I have the energy right now to give it another go for the time being.

I would always leave the door open for them in the future, but just need to distance myself from it now until I feel that I have the emotional strength to give them that opportunity to reject me again.

I have two great little stepkids who live with us for the majority of the time, who I just adore and have no qualms about devoting time and energy to. The older ones though I feel are not deserving of it and I'm just through being the one who tries without any form of reciprocation.

forever3's picture

All of these responses sound

All of these responses sound so familiar! I have three "adult" stepchildren, with the oldest only being 5 years younger than myself and a female no less. I have been married to their father for almost 18 months; they mother passed away when both were in a horrible car accident in 2008. I know that they have gone through alot; however, I didn't cause the accident to occur or want to uproot their family in any way. While we were dating, my relationship with each one of them, their spouse and children, was great! We visited often and enjoyed time with everyone. Since that time, hubby and I have built a new home and are completely in love with one another. Given this brief summary, I was confronted by the oldest and told that I was only with hubby for money, stability and that me or my bio children respected or were grateful for him. All of my children love and respect him and consider him "their" father image within a short period of time. Even though he is 15 years older than me, I truly love and care about him in every way. I was single for almost four years prior to meeting him with no intent to ever engage in another relationship no matter what. He is just what I've been looking for forever! Not sure how to respond to his children at this point, given the confrontation that happened. I remained calm and reassured her that I loved her father dearly and was grateful for him. For everything else that was accused of me, I decided not to respond further. She discussed everything with her two siblings and one of them told her that he was very proud of her! I absolutely was not aware that there were issues between us! I have made sure that they are treated with respect, welcomed into our home and I dearly love all 11 grandchildren! There is a family gettogether this Saturday and I thinking I'm going to opt to skip this one! I may be wrong, but until hubby decides to put a stop to this type of behavior from his adult children (in their 30's), then he can chose to attend functions alone? By the way, he was present when his daughter made the accusatory remarks to me and didn't comment the entire time. Afterwards, he didn't feel that she attacked me and I felt very betrayed. Any advice would be so much appreciated!!!!!!

new2 me's picture

I don't know where to begin.

I don't know where to begin. I'm engaged to a man who is 12 yrs older than me. His oldest son is 6 yrs younger than me. He has 4 adult children that range from 24 to 33 yrs old and 4 grandchildren.When we first met the first thing came to my mind was no baby mama drama. Well, I have grown kids drama Jawdropping!.We been together for 4 years and his kids dont disrespect me or anything like that. He told me in January that his youngest son (24)and grandson (1) want to come and live with us.I was dumbfounded WTF! A MEN DON'T THINK THEY JUST DO! I tried to tell him that his son shouldn't bring his son here until he get on his feet like getting a job. MY finance'and I work 12 hour shift and rotate from days to nights. The SS was to come here with his baby and get a job with his father. He took the drug test at the job and didn't pass. Dad was so embarrassed that he stuck his neck out to get him the job and he wasn't honest about it. Let me remind you his grandson is here and the SS cant buy food,diapers or anything for him or for HIS baby. OF course, My finance' is footing the bill and giving him extra money to put gas in his car. Well it get worse, the SS takes the baby back to his mother for 30 day and brought back his 30 yrs old brother. YES, I have 2 GROWN ASS ADULT MEN here and I was so overwhelmed and my Finance' told me the day he was coming. Sad The youngest finally decided to go school and if not everyday its every other day he need gas money and my Finance gives it even when he dont have it. They don't do S@#t! They dont cook, clean or even cut the grass. Oh the other SS (30) was to come here to better his life. Dad also stuck his neck out to get him a job with him. Didn't pass the backgroung check and now he is here jobless and Dad is walking around like here like we are one big happy family. My Finance' takes care of everybody (financially)his daugher(31)his mother and these 2 that are here with us. WHY?? He can't afford it but he'll neglect a bill here so he can give them what they want. I'm sick of this!! I cant married this man and he forever take care of these grown ass kids.I can go on and on but I'm going to wait for some help b4 I tell more and believe me there's more.Should I leave him b4 we get married?

bakluba's picture

To new2me.... if you do not

To new2me....
if you do not leave him b4 u get married.... u will probably be doing so after the fact... IF THESE ISSUES ARE NOT NIPPED IN THE BUD NOW...... best of luck and may you make the best decision for yourself....

gotta keep on Smiling

SammyJo58's picture

Hi forever3 - so sorry to

Hi forever3 - so sorry to hear about your problems with your adult stepchildren. I have been on both ends of the spectrum. I am a stepmom to a 25 year old SD (who hates me) who has two children (that I have been told recently I am NOT their grandma and I am NOT to use their pictures on Facebook...and on and on). You can read my blog for the hairy details. I have decided to detach myself from her and her hate, and am leaving it for my husband to deal with. He has yet to truly stand up for me.
On the other hand, I was also an adult step-child. My dad divorced my mom after 40 years of marriage - about a year later, he met a woman (that I liked), moved in with her, and married her four years later. Let me just say, I would have killed for a step-mom like you. I was my dad's only bio child, he parented my half-brother (who always called him Dad) since the age of 10. My brother had 2 kids (who always called him Grandpa) and I had one son - age 5 when dad met my step-mom. My SM had 7 kids and 27 grandkids. They became my father's life, and he dropped us like a hot potatoe. I used to think nothing could ever come between me and my dad. I was wrong. My little boy said to me shortly after they got together - Mommy, why doesn't Grandpa come and play hockey with me in the morning - doesn't he love me anymore?" (My dad used to drop in daily). Now, I never expected that things would stay the same. But my dad made her and her family his life. We perhaps saw him once every 3 months or so. In ten years, we never had an invite for dinner on our own - always as part of a group, and then only maybe four times. We had them over many times. I talked to both of them - even took her out for tea asking if she could convince my dad to spend the occasional day with us, just drop in for coffee. I begged, pleaded, and finally learned to accept the situation.
Four years this July, my dad passed away. She watched him get so sick with pneumonia he was alternately wrapping himself up in a winter coat to stay warm, and jumping in their pool to stay cool. And never called the ambulance, until he finally could not get out of bed. I was never contacted, until he was in ICU with double pneumonia. At the time, I did not blame her. But my dad never should have passed away. I thank God that I had an hour with him alone before he relapsed (she did not even call me when he was put back into ICU at 2am. By the time I was called and got to the hospital, he was on a ventilator and couldn't talk.) During that time, I got to say "I love you" and he said "I love you too Sammy".
When I started having real problems with my step-daughter, I bought the book "Step Wars". If you haven't read it, go out and buy it and do so. It gave me so much perspective on both sides of the issue - I wish I had read it when my dad was alive. There are things I would have done differently. Better yet, if you think it would help, give a copy of the book to your step-kids.
Jealousy is a powerful emotion. And the sense of betrayal can go both ways. Money can be a huge issue. In my case, I never expected anything from my dad. A month before he passed, the suject of inheritance came up, and I said to my dad - I only want the ceramic dog and chess set I made you, the quilt I made you, the navy clock, grandpa's owl, and the old rock from the farm. These were six items that had a huge sentimental value to me. My brother was expecting what had been promised to us long ago. Long story short - we were not even mentioned in the will. Not even to say "I leave my love to my children". Ever dollar my dad had had been poured into her house (he sold his to move in with her). My brother was devastated that we were so dismissed from his life. Money was never an issue. If he had left us some small token, it would not have hurt. But it was like we had not existed. So perhaps his children are fearing this. Has inheritance ever been discussed? If not, it should be. I read after the fact that children should not be surprised after the fact and parents should make clear their intent. Sad to say, in my case, my stepmom did not want me to have anything my dad promised me. I clenched my teeth and worked it through by talking with her children, and eventually obtained most of the items I wanted, although she held onto a couple, telling me that I would get them when she passes away. Well, four years later, and now I hear she is dating someone else. She is 80 by the way.....
My advice to you - don't skip any future family gatherings, but don't tolerate any disrespect. If you get confronted in the future, perhaps say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. However, I will not tolerate a personal attack simply because I love your father." Then walk away. Don't let them engage you.
I truly hope this has helped, and do go buy the book....let me know how things go.

Just as it takes maturity to be able to offer love, it takes maturity to be able to walk away when that love is rejected.
Life is a song.......sing along!

12345's picture

This says that you wrote in

This says that you wrote in July 2010 that you have been married for about 18 months. I guess you married late 2008 or early 2009? Not only are these poor people dealing with the tragic loss of their mother, but their father remarries within about a year. How long did you date prior to marriage? It seems to me that your relationship was very sudden and you're closer in age to his children than to him. I'm not accusing you of any of the things his daughter did but surely you can understand her concern. Many people in her situation would feel the same way. I'm not saying she handled it well, but for you to minimize her grief by saying you did not cause the accident is extremely insensitive. I hope that by now the two of you have worked out your problems but if not, try being a little more sympathetic. No matter how old you are, it is never easy to lose a parent and it is certainly not easy to feel like your other parent is moving on and forgetting the one who was lost...especially since it happened so quickly here! Give them time and space and try putting your own feelings aside for a while.

Andy Pandy's picture

I'm an adult step-child

You are right in wanting some respect in your own home!
I'm 27 this year and my dad and step-mum have been together for about 7 years and my mum and step-dad have been together for about 5.

I won't say that I love my step-parents, but I will say that I am VERY fond of both of them. I am glad that they have made my parents happy. But even in the beginning we (my sisters and I) treated them with respect, or we didn't see them because we didn't want to inflict our bad feelings on them, simple as that. My middle sister had a hard time accepting my step-mum for a while due to my dad being the one to leave and taking up with her less than a month later and then he moved right in with her, it devistated my mum and my middle sister is a mummy's girl. But rather than being rude and obnoxious she distanced herself from my Dad and step-mum until she felt that she could deal with it appropriately. She let my Dad have it at the time but has never been anything but polite to my step-mum and now that we have all gotten used to the situation she is friendly, more often than not our step-mum will get a hug before Dad does.

We are currently experiencing problems in our family due to Dad's seeming preference for our step-brother and sisters, he brushes over our accomplishments (such as buying a house, getting a high distinction at university etc) to tell us that the kids had an assembly at school or that that had a horse-riding lesson, mundane things that they do regularly - yeah I know I sound jealous and bratty but he literally walked into my sisters brand new house that she had just moved into less than 2 weeks before and didn't mention how well she's doing (new house at 24!!) and started talking for 2 hours straight about how our oldest step sister was doing school, and drama, and singing etc. We love our step-siblings and so would never take it out on them, we love to spoil them a little when we can! But it gets a little wearing after a while.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a very roundabout way is 6that yes your husband should definately have set boundaries if the girls weren't capable of setting them for themselves. But maybe the girls are feeling left out?

Kate2009's picture

Sorry Andy Pandy, your

Sorry Andy Pandy, your response had not come up for some reason so only just read it now.

I also have a stepmother and father who I was estranged from for over 20 years as a result of my mother (who I love dearly), being a stubborn woman who really new how to hold a grudge.

My mother over the years of our childhood belittled my father, and constantly reinforced to us by every little action or word he spoke to us that it was because he didn't love us.

I now know that has a name: Parental Alienation.

I honestly don't believe my mother understood the impact it had on us.

It is only after going through this very same thing with my partner that I had a lightbulb moment and could finally see with the utmost clarity what had transpired during my parents divorce and my mothers persistent denigration of my father.

All of a sudden I could remember the amazing things my father did do. And the fact that my father HAD in fact tried to see us...many times.

I'm glad to say that I now have a fantastic relationship with my father and an extremely close bond with my stepmother. I love my mother dearly, but I feel I can actually relate to my stepmother better than I can either of my parents. She really is an amazing lady.

So, from their point of view, I really do understand what they are feeling and how they've been affected.

Between my partner and I, we have 7 children and 3 grandchildren. I have 2 adult sons and my partner has 5 children and 1 grandchild. Two of his youngest children their siblings(8 year olds) live with us.

Like yourself, my kids have been very willing to accept my partner and my eldest son even sat him down and had the chat to him that a father might usually have with a potential son in-law...saying that he loves me and is so happy that he has made me happy but if you hurt her we'll break your legs, before giving him a big hug and saying welcome to the family.

My kids have opened their hearts to him and as a result have a very fulfilling relationship with him as well.

I think the difference here was that I spent 4 years on my own after separating from my husband on purpose to 'find myself' and to work through that time relieving myself of all past baggage. My kids had an enormous amount of time to 'get over it' and by the time I did enter a serious relationship, we were all ready for it.

My kids have never said anything and I doubt they would, but I think they are the ones who may feel a little jealousy over the little ones living with us now.

I spend a considerable amount of time now helping to bring up someone else's children and having had a few years behind us now, you learn a lot and your financial situation is dramatically improved. So it's probably fair to say that each one of them may look at the youngest ones and think, 'why didn't we ever get that'.

The youngest ones are an enormous part of our lives and still very dependent on us, so I guess you talk about where you spend a considerable amount of your time and emotional energy.

I too forget sometimes to tell my children how very proud I am of them...and I am, more than my words can express. I guess your response has made me take note of that and it's something I plan to focus more on.

It might be worth highlighting this to your dad so that he understands that his acceptance and aproval of things that you do is just as important as yours is to him. He honestly may not realise he is doing it.

I wish you all the best. You sound like an incredible person.

StepAside's picture


My relationship with my skids is identical to those you have described. Wish I had found this forum sooner. I have been on another forum for second wives for years, but the issue of dealing with adult stepkids is more specific than what we've chatted about.

I've been married for 17 years. I was so used to being expected to take my stepkid's torturous abuse that when I spoke with a counselor and he said, "you have choices", I was shocked that I hadn't thought of it sooner.

After the years my DH denied their behavior, minimized it, excused it and otherwise was okay with his wife being degraded, I really did have the right not to want to participate anymore without fearing the end of our relationship. It wasn't as if I was asking him to end his relationship with them. Amazingly enough, he went to counseling with me and flat out said he would never ask me to go to their hometown again. We have kids together and his mother lives in the same town as his kids. His mother is a master manipulator and key negative influence in our marriage. He also declared that he would never ask me to go to her house again, nor would he ask anymore to take our kids there without me. BTW, the past several years his mother and his adult stepkids have hounded him to bring our kids and leave me at home. Why? Because that would have been much more fun than to actually act civil to me. I'm not sacrificing the two people I love most in this world, to adults who can't play nice. I saw my MIL trash BM to my stepkids when they were young. I have no doubt she'd do the same with my kids if I wasn't around.

And to appease them, I even went one time and stayed in a hotel nearby. DH and the kids slept at the hotel with me, but spent the days at MIL's house. One of my adult stepchildren protested that I was disrespecting MIL by not staying at her house. That was yet another nail in the coffin. Go, get spit on. Stay in a hotel, get criticized. Stay home with the kids, and I'm braining washing the kids to hate them. I simply CAN NOT WIN.

I've only had peace about the past year since I stopped having hope that we might someday get along. I could kick myself for not taking a stand earlier.

Winning is all my skids care about. They have thrown fits since learning that I won't be accompanying DH to their hometown with our kids. They are welcome to come to our house anytime, where oddly enough, they manage to behave to my face. Yet, in the past year they (including MIL) have been here once or twice and they live 4 hours away. Seeing our kids isn't what they want. Winning is what they want, it's what they've always wanted. They want the opposite of what I want. They want to own their father and make sure I know it. They want our money whenever they ask for it.

Without my participation, they can't get to me. When I realized DH can't force me to participate, I stopped. It was my own ideas that he was forcing me to. Honestly, what was he going to do, divorce me because I didn't want to see his family? He knows how they are. Was doubtful that he'd choose their behavior over our marriage.

We hardly discuss them. I think they are avoiding coming here because they hate the fact that I took a stand. They have to be top dog, the ones calling the shots. It's been wonderful for not only me, but for our marriage and even for DH. I think he used to think being in the middle of us was wearing him out. But now that he doesn't see them as often either, I think he's enjoying our marriage more and liking not having to deal with so much drama! I don't stop him from going there, but he loves me and wants to spend his time with me and our kids. Now he just doesn't see them as often. I'm sure that pisses them off too. In fact, the oldest said recently that there needs to be more balance in the family. I told her that when "adults" have relationships, both parties need to take responsibility for their actions. Hope she got the hint.

I am curious as to stories from people who have disengaged for a while, and if anything changed.

What happens after this? They just go on with their lives apart from us? They involvement in our lives dwindles to zero? Or do they someday get on with their lives, stop being total bitches to me and actually learn how to be loving family members?


empty nest step's picture

I disengaged about five years

I disengaged about five years ago when my sd13 wanted to go live with her mom. We didn't have a great relationship but, she lived with me and i loved her for eight years. She never called me again after she went to live with her mom. We moved about two years after that and she never called or emailed or included me or my husband again. My husband is heart broken and only receives calls when she wants money. She is 18 and still lives with her mom and has now included her boyfriend into their home. She has never asked how we are or show any interest in ever visiting us or include us to visit her or see our grandson. So, that is the likelihood of disengaging......

Kate2009's picture

Wow, it's nasty business

Wow, it's nasty business isn't it and absolutely no need for it either.

Well I wrote a letter to them and basically outlined their behaviour and how it has affected not only me, but my own family as well...my family hurt, and get resentful, when I'm hurt. So it's more than just me.

I've told them that I won't stand between them and their father, but I most certainly won't be placing myself in that environment again, nor will they be welcome in my home. Their relationship with their father will have to take place elsewhere.

This is my home too and I deserve to be respected in it as they would have an expectation to be respected in theirs. On that point I'm standing firm.

At the end of it I've noted that the door will always be open if they decide they've made a mistake but I've bullet pointed the expectations if they walk through it again, ie: you will treat me with respect and dignity, you will treat my family with respect and dignity, you will foster a positive and supportive relationship between your younger siblings and myself and not communicate with them in a way that is alienating, etc.

Anyway, I've sat on that for 24 hours before sending.

My partner also rang me yesterday to say he'd sat his 21 year old daughter down and read her the riot act. Which surprised me, because he's usually one to just hide from confrontation with his kids.

She told him that she thinks I'm a good person and acknowledges wholeheartedly that she is not being fair in her treatment of me, then she went on with the excuses again. I just can't get over the divorce, I miss my siblings, all me me me again. Like her pain is a valid reason for treating me like a wart on her fathers nose for the past few years.

My partner basically told her, 'I will NOT be attending events like this on my own again, because of something you've done'. He knows I won't go, so I can only take that to mean he's given her an ultimatum of either you're polite to her or neither of us will be there.

Which for me was a nice feeling, but probably not the right thing to say to his kids.

He pretty much laid it on the line for her. Told her that it's been x amount of years now and she needs to get over it or get help. That she can't keep taking it out on me and through alienating herself she is missing out on a great deal by extending her family networks.

It sounded from what he said like she was also jealous of what the two younger siblings are getting now they are living with us, which has a ring of truth to it as well. I remember her sitting her last Christmas and making a curt comment along the lines of 'yeah, well, we never got this when we were younger'.

He also stood very firmly on her attempts at alienating the younger siblings from us. Which is something I've been pointing out for a great deal of time and he's denied time and time again.

He left the call to me with, 'I think something very positive will come out of this and from how she has responded during the chat, we may just end up with a very strong relationship in the end'. Time will tell. But I do feel better that it's off my chest now and I'm no longer the one taking responsibility for someone else's actions.

He was going to sit down with the eldest one some time last night as well and have the same chat with her.

I'm just glad that their father has finally seen through it. It sounds like he's made a fairly strong stand by you never know with him. So I feel like my letter will back that up and ensure that it is all out there now.

sillybullydog's picture

My situation is a little

My situation is a little different, and I hope some of you will reply to my situation. My husband had custody of his son since Scotty was 3 yrs old. The ex had several issues; alcohol and drug problems,infidelity with every single "friend" he had, not to mention strangers. She resented her children-Scotty and his older sister from a previous "relationship" . She gladly let my husb have custody, then let Scotty down every time she was supposed to have visitation w/him or take him somewhere. My husb decided he had seen Scotty miserable too many times, told her to stay away or he would tip off the authorities to any of several illegal/immoral activities in which she was involved. My husband sacrificed throughout Scotty's childhood to make sure every academic, cultural and sports opportunity was available to his son, working several jobs at odd hours so he could really be a part of Scotty's life-coaching, field trips, vacations-and just being there for him. Scotty missed having a mommy. He rebelled as a teenager...

sillybullydog's picture

and this is where I came in.

and this is where I came in. I had 2 grown children I'd raised by myself since the ages 4 & 2 years old. College graduates, happy, healthy, fun, both of them-they embraced my new husband and loved him because he is such a good man and good to me. It is now 10 years into our marriage and Scotty has had a DUI, been to jail for a year, is a felon,has had several jobs which he quits as soon as benefits, promotions or raises are offered, married & divorced, is now living w/a girl who has a 2 yr old son who she once hit in front of me (we do not hit our children), Scotty was not in the room at the time, and yes, we had a discussion about anger and discipline on the spot. Scotty has told his common-law bride that he was heavily involved in drugs to seem "mysterious" or something-he is an alcoholic & they met at an AA meeting, and although they have both been clean & sober for several mos. I cannot STAND him, or her! Not the sight of either of them!

sillybullydog's picture

I do not like feeling this

I do not like feeling this way, and I vacillate between not saying much and saying something really horrible, but honest. These are not people I would have anything to do with if not connected by marriage. Am I being a snob? Yes! I have a hard time showing sympathy for someone who whines about money one minute & then shows up with a new tattoo they spent over $100 on-or buys a 60 inch flatscreen tv and goes out to dinner 3 nights a week, then complains about gas money to get to work! We do not contribute. My problem is that this is the only child my husband has, I can't stand this kid mostly because he has let my husband down countless times, and I really don't want to be such a mean shrew about him, but I am becoming less able to keep my big mouth shut! Do any of you have any ideas as to how I can be civil about a person who literally disgusts me?

BooBoo's picture

Your SS sounds like my SD22

Your SS sounds like my SD22 and her partner, and they have a son (my husb grandson). They take no steps to help themselves, blame everyone but themselves for their situation, whine about the lack of money and then get a new tattoo along with all the other nonessentials of life. When they got their tax refund, they bought a TV, exercise stuff, more nonessentials but didn't pay for any of bills that are severely outstanding.

My husband is so disappointed and down about her behavior. He talks about it and I listen. If he asks for my opinion or even when he doesn't ask, I am blunt and honest - no sugarcoating. I know he's just trying to work through it...wrap his mind around and accept his daughters lack of responsibility and accountability.

I know how you feel about wanting to protect your husband. You're not a snob, you're not being mean and when you open your "big mouth"...it's justified. You're a wife that's indignant for her husband. I know my husband will come to me when he's ready to bounce something around but on the flip, I can see when he's pre-occupied so I'll ask what's on his mind...does he want to talk.

Does that help?

Splash some water on your faces and take notice.

StepAside's picture

I would not send the letter.

I would not send the letter. I have had it out with my MIL numerous times over the years. My dad used to say that she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. It had to come from my DH and HE WAS RIGHT. She never did listen to a word I said. In fact, arguing with her was like fighting with fly paper. I could not get her to listen and she would not stop the attacks.

I made my decision to disengage from DH's family and talked to HIM about it. Whether or not he wanted to deliver the message was up to him. How he wanted to deliver the message was up to him. But HIS ACTIONS were what had gotten us to where we wound up, so I no longer cared how his kids received the message. I had taken the action. No more words. No more communications from me. I'm out, done. And the silence from me has made a huge statement.

If you send the letter, you could give your SD reason to cry to your DH. Who knows what she'll say exactly, but the message will be that you attacked her. If your DH has a history of folding, or not wanting confrontations with her, you could likely get a backlash if she cries hard enough. Why risk it? Let him deal with it. Just stick to your guns.

I'm pretty sure your SD will figure out what she needs to do to make things better. She just doesn't want to. Likewise, my SD's have been nothing but hideous to me for almost 2 decades. They were quite creative when it came to showing me their disrespect. I assume if they use those same creative skills, they can figure out how not to be complete asses as well.


Kate2009's picture

DH would read the letter

DH would read the letter before I sent it. This is a copy of it so far. I don't see that they could take anything in there as a personal attack to be honest.

Dear Stepdaughter 1 and 2,

I have tried very hard over the past years to understand and sympathise with your position regarding your parents divorce and your feelings of being torn between your loyalty to your mother. Believe me, my parents are divorced so I know it hasn’t been easy for you.

But you have to remember this hasn’t been easy on me or my own family either.

I have welcomed you both and your siblings with open arms and feel that I have always treated you both and your partners/child with dignity and respect.

I have never tried to replace your mother with any of you, or drive a wedge between you guys and either of your parents. My past communications and actions are testament to this.

I have invested considerable time, effort and emotional energy into making you feel welcome and in considering your needs and understanding your position. Even at the detriment of that time being spent with my own family.

I don’t feel that has been reciprocated. By your body language, actions, inactions, communication and lack of willingness to engage I have rarely felt that same welcoming spirit in return. I feel that you guys have rarely shown me anything but indifference, or rudeness.

During the time that your father was in hospital and I phoned to inform you both. I don’t feel you guys really took on board the fact that I thought enough of you at the time to want to inform you. Although I have no obligation to you to do so and it was against the wishes of your father.

Not once did either of you consider how I felt about the person I love being in hospital or if there was anything you could do for us.

I feel that you were so focussed on your own feelings, anger and desire to attack me, that you completely discounted my own feelings and needs and I was actually quite hurt by the tone of the communication, especially when you made things very personal and drew disparaging reference to the parallels between our different upbringings.

I feel as though you guys want to have your cake and eat it to. I feel that you don’t want to accept me as part of your family yet want the same obligations and considerations from me that go with being part of my family.

I did not choose to come into your lives because I had nothing better to do than bring havoc or pain into it. I fell in love with your father and I make no apologies for that.

I am not responsible for the destruction of your parents marriage – that was done well before I came into the picture.

I did not wake up one morning and decide, ‘hey, my kids have left home now. I think I might go out and ‘steal’ somebody else’s’. Nor have I ever felt the need to use my relationship with any of you as a means of getting to your mother. I have a bit more self respect than that.

I have never tried to assume the role of mother towards ANY of you kids, including younger stepsibling 1 and 2. I love them to pieces, but I see myself as more of an aunty figure who is supporting my partner in helping to raise them.

I’m a well balanced, level headed lady who doesn’t like to play games, doesn’t need confrontation or drama in her life and doesn’t need to take on someone else’s children and assume the role of their mother to feel whole or to fill a gap missing in my life or to point score.

I feel saddened by the fact that things have not been different and that your perception of me could not be changed. That you have allowed your sense of loyalty to one family member to cloud your judgment of how you should behave towards another.

My own children have been affected by this directly through other members of your family and indirectly by seeing that I have been affected by it and they in turn feel quite hurt and resentful as a result. That for me is the most unacceptable part of this whole thing.

I want you to be assured that I would never disrespect the bond between your father and yourself and would always encourage his relationship with his children no matter what the circumstances. But the fact of the matter is, I can’t change how you feel and I now need to direct my time, energy and love towards the people who are deserving and willing to love and respect me back.

You guys are adults now and old enough to make your own decisions regarding this. You are also old enough now to know that your treatment of me has been unfair and inexcusable whatever your circumstances.

I can’t control your behaviour, your perception of me, how you feel about me or how you behave towards me.

HOWEVER, I can control whether I divorce myself from the situation so that I don’t afford you the opportunity to behave that way towards me in the future and exclude you from the opportunity of doing this to me in our own home.

The door is always open, but my expectations if you choose to walk back through it are:

• I will never under any circumstance accept your indifference, disrespect or rudeness towards me.
• You will not treat me as the target of your misplaced feelings about your parents divorce nor will I be the whipping boy for the pain you are feeling that is not of my doing.
• I will not be the target of your misguided demonstration of loyalty to your mother or accept your treatment of me as the whipping boy for your mothers feelings of insecurity towards me or her inability to move on either. I understand and respect your loyalty and love for your mother but I won’t be treated unfairly by anyone because of it either.
• I will not be treated like a leper in my own home. This is my home too and I deserve to be treated respectfully within it as much as you would have those very same expectations of anyone else within your own home.
• I expect that you will be able to afford me the same courtesy, dignity and respect that you would afford any other partner of a loved one.
• I will expect you to work towards fostering and support a positive relationship between myself and your younger siblings and not continue to communicate with them in a way that can be seen as alienating or undermining. I treat those kids 100% as I would expect anybody else to treat my own children under the same circumstances and I believe it is important that you allow them to feel that it is finally ok to accept that their parents marriage is over and that there is a new family dynamic that does not demean their relationship with either parent. They are very happy with the current situation but feel torn between being able to enjoy their new family dynamics (which now includes both their parents and subsequent partners on an equal basis) and feeling that they need to honour what should have been. They see both of you as role models for this and when they see that you are not coping with it, it makes it very difficult for them to move on as well.



gwenst's picture

I could have written that

I could have written that letter Kate. As a matter of fact, I've written similar ones. Sorry to hear what you go through - as much as I'm sorry for me - having stuck by a man for over 7 years who enables his adult kids to act like asses. Thankfully I have my own house about 2 miles from him, because living with him would land me in the looney bin. I just read so many posts on this thread and came to the same conclusion that I've thought many times - the fantasy that things can get better is just that - a fantasy. The BF's adult kids have no incentive to change and to treat me with any level of respect, because they aren't held accountable to give their father any respect. I've blamed all 3 kids, when all along it's his issue. And although he will miss me terribly, I'm quite sure he is willing to risk losing me rather than put an end to the belligerence of his children. I've put in my time and hard is it is to walk away from someone I love so much, I'd rather lose a relationship, than lose myself.

I feel better knowing I'm not alone. I've never found anyone that related to this situation - and tonight I found tons of others. That really helped.


StepAside's picture

I'm not lecturing you. I've

I'm not lecturing you. I've written letters to my skids before also, and not sent them. Our counselor was adamant that DH step up and be the husband to me that he should have been all along, and stop his family's crazy behavior. The counselor said all of my problems with all of his family members are a result of DH's lack of action. My DH used to say, "What do you expect me to do?" when his family would act like hyenas. It was like he was clueless. BS, he knew what to do, he just didn't want to do it. My family would never treat my husband as I've been treated, and if they ever would have tried, it would have been the last time.

I suggested to the counselor that we have some sort of sit down with DH's adult children so they could understand my side. He just kept saying my problem is with DH, not with his kids.

There are parts of your letter that would be painful for them. Your DH may be on board for it now, but if his kids carve him out of their lives for signing off on that letter, I'm just saying you could wind up eating more crow than you've ever dreamed of before. I think you can give your simple list of what behaviors you will not tolerate in your home and have your DH go over it with them as what BOTH of you won't tolerate any longer.

The rest just opens you up to bad ramifications. I can not picture that they read the letter, think "Wow, she's right. We've been really nasty to her. We really should be thankful that she let us know dad was in the hospital." I only envision their venom towards you increasing. And I think they are naturally going to think of new ways to shut you out, even if that includes completely shutting their father out. I can imagine the first thing they'll do is show their mother the letter. Any chance she'd call your DH at work to tell him about the letter and her opinion of it? How much emotional hell can they bring to your DH? And given his years of tolerating their behavior, how much hell do you think he's really going to be able to take before he turns on you?

Listen, I'd love nothing more than to write a book to my stepdivas outlining their completely hideous behavior. Actually, I'd love to have them seated in my living room with duct tape over their mouths, so that I could seriously give them a piece of my mind for all the intentional, devious, malicious crap they've pulled over the years. But they don't regret it and they don't plan to stop. Only my DH can make them stop, and only my boundaries can make it difficult for them to get to me.

I know you're upset, I know you're hurt and I know your pain.


shorty50's picture

>>> My family would never

>>> My family would never treat my husband as I've been treated, and if they ever would have tried, it would have been the last time.<<<

I have told my husband this many times. He only has one brother, a niece and nephew and then his daughter. Only family he has in the world and he thinks that we have to put up with their crap because they are all he has. I come from a large family who welcomed him and his DD with open arms and they shun them. My family are indifferent to DH and SD now. They don't want to be a part of the family, so be it. They still treat them nicer than what his family treats me.

Kate2009's picture

I've decided not to send the

I've decided not to send the letter.

You're right. My issue is with my partner. Obviously I have issues with them as well, but that all stems from my relationship with their father.

DH had a chat with the eldest daughter now as well. They do both acknowledge that they have not been fair to me (not that this means that they accept they should be nice to me either), that I haven't deserved it and that they genuinely believe I am a good person. Which I guess was a nice thing.

The younger of the two's reasons (excuses) were slightly different from the eldest ones. The youngest ones reasons are born very strongly out of a strong sense of loyalty to her mum.

The eldest one has the perfect picture in her mind of what constitutes a family, that picture is: her mother, her father and all her siblings in one nuclear family. She felt like she was a very strong head of that as the eldest sibling and she was very proud of what she felt her family was. That has been torn to pieces and she wants to reject anything else, including extended relatives on both sides.

The eldest daughter can't stand her mothers family. They're rough and pretty ferral, so she want's nothing to do with them. She now feels that because she won't have anything to do with her mothers family she needs to balance that by not having anything to do with her fathers side as well.

Dh made reference to their stepfather and said that they should also be trying to show him respect for their mothers sake and the eldest daughter snapped straight away, saying NO, it's different, he really is an idiot. Kate is not, it's just that it's too painful.

DH reinforced that their behaviour is not fair to me, it's damaging and that by rejecting us and isolating themselves they are not only shutting themselves off to the incredible opportunities that can come from this, but shutting their own children off from that as well.

I've done all I can now and would only be enabling both DH and my stepdaughters by continuing to allow them the opportunity to do this to me.

DH wanted me to sit down with them as well and have the same chat, but I am going to follow your advice above and just leave the ball in their court.

I've done all the work so far. The next step needs to be their's.

Gosh, I so know that duct tape feeling!

StepAside's picture

Bravo! When my DH spoke


When my DH spoke with the oldest last year (she's 27 and has a psych degree) about how she and her sisters have treated me over the years, she replied "she dug her own grave". Now, if I had a chat with her about her behavior towards me over the years, she could have said something spiteful to me. But instead, she said it to DH. And what an eye-opener that was for him. When he finally decided not to tolerate their behavior towards me, he got involved. She did me a world of favor by saying that I deserved their wrath. DH couldn't deny it! If she had said it to me in a sit down between the three of us, he could have been focusing on me. But I wasn't even in the same state when it happened.

And there's something else happening with my situation. Any time I engage my stepdarlings on a personal level, that gives them the signal that they can be crappy to me. I'm assuming it's because they feel comfortable enough around me to predict my response. Does that make sense? For the past 17 years we've been playing a game. I see them, they do something crappy, I talk to DH about it, he gets annoyed that he's in the middle, he says he talked to them and told them my side and they won't do it anymore. The next time I see them, we go through it all again. If I were to tell them exactly how much I hate their behavior, they'd laugh, and we'd still do it all over again.

By bowing out, the consequence of their behavior (including my MIL and my DH for feeding it) isn't just mine anymore. They don't see our kids except 1-2 times a year, we spend our vacations with my family, MIL doesn't see the grandkids, none of them see DH as much and DH rarely has all of his kids in the same room. Sounds fair to me. They, of course, don't like it. Oddly enough, my DH completely understands and has apologized for his part. His family members haven't changed though.

By not communicating with my stepdivas in any way, shape or form, unless I happen to be in their presence under conditions I willingly participate in, they can't predict what my silence means. The signal I'm trying to send is that I've had enough. I'm through. And if they continue, I want them to think I might react unpredictably (and I have plans to). They don't get to talk personal with me. Only people I choose to speak on a personal level get to speak personal with me. I'm a stranger to them. Kinda hard to be crappy with a stranger, as you don't know how they will react.

Does that make sense? Sounds like your stepdaughters are a bit nicer than mine, so turning into an ice cube may not be what you choose to do. But it was long overdue for me. I don't want my stepdivas to know if or how much they've hurt me. I don't want them to know which behaviors of their I despise the most. I don't want them to know what the minimum behaviors are that I expect from them (hoping I'll get the most if they don't know the minimum). I don't want them in my inner circle. We are not family, they have made sure of that for the past many years. Whilst the oldest one (the one with the psych degree that we paid for from a top university and which she does not use) professes that family means more to her than anything, what she has really wanted to say is her family does not include me. That used to hurt. But now I realize that my family does not include her. There's a bit of a difference there. My family includes DH every single day. The more she continues to alienate me, to continue the hate campaign, the less he's a part of her family. She still hasn't figured it out. Maybe one day.

Good luck to you. I'm so glad you didn't send the letter. I think the benefit was just not worth the risk, besides you would be exposing yourself so much. They could shred you and really work your DH over. Your silence will send a very clear signal I think. Now, if they want to be a part of your family, they'll need to ACT like a part of the family and stop taking their daddy and you for granted.

Why is it so hard for these darlings to act civilized? So many Paris Hilton wannabes running around. My oldest just could not wait for Paris Hilton's perfume to come out. She just had to have it. Ick.


Kate2009's picture

StepAside, I agree, I don't

StepAside, I agree, I don't think any of my stepdaughters are malicious or completely devoid of any form of compassion. They're very self absorbed, primadonna's and have forgotten some of the basic rules of human decency.

They're also highly emotional and spend too much time looking at the negatives in EVERY situation, not just me. They both wallow in self pity and are so blinded by all they have lost to all that they are losing if that makes sense.

I know that they have to live with the consequences of how they live their lives and if I continue to allow it into my life, I too have to live with the consequences...shame on your if you hurt me once, shame on me if you hurt me twice sort of thing.

When my partner arrived home last night after the weekend with them and started talking about 'the children issue', I sat him down and explained to him the 'two issues' here for me.

One of course is the issue with the stepkids, but for me, the most important issue at hand is the issue of my partner allowing ANY other person to be disrespectful to me and that by allowing it, he in turn was showing me disrespect.

At first he didn't get it, but after breaking it down for him a little bit, he actually broke down and was quite upset that he personally had hurt me this way. He apologised for not considering my needs, and for not protecting me from his children's poor behaviour.

He continued to talk about how to handle this moving forward and one of the things he talked about was sending the letter and having a face to face with each of them ie: my partner, myself and each of the stepdaughters.

I've told him based on a considerable amount of reading I've done and what I feel as an instinct that he's had a two hour discussion with them now. He personally should back that up with a letter of his own and that we have to allow them to heal in their own time, so that when they do make the decision to enter my family it is at a time, they feel comfortable, that they are willing to do so and at a time that they feel emotionally strong enough to do so.

Their father is also going to look into a counsellor for them both to help them overcome some of their feelings and to help them work through some of the roadblocks they've put up in their lives.

From what I understand, they are willing to take up that option, so it can't hurt.

StepAside's picture

Your partner sounds like a

Your partner sounds like a keeper. How wonderful that he didn't get defensive, listened to you and felt your anguish. That is so terrific.

The more my DH stops tolerating his children's behavior towards me, the more I trust and love him. It's a wonderful feeling.


Kate2009's picture

StepAside, he is a good

StepAside, he is a good person. He does tend to start out defensive, but does get it in the end Smiling

I'm with you...the more DH stands united with me, the more I want to support him and understand him.

The stepfamily relationship can be so two pronged. When you feel that your partner has your back, you feel like you can face anything together. When you feel betrayed by them, then it only makes you dig your heels in against the relationship even more.

StepAside's picture

Yeah, exactly. And others

Yeah, exactly. And others can tell when you start digging in your heels. Gives them a rush. Sort of like letting the kids know there are problem with you and DH. We keep my skids out of our marriage now. And I love it! We're going on vacation again this year without the skids, and that pisses them off!! I'd really be in trouble if they ever nicely asked DH if the could join us and pay their own way. He'd be so tickled! But instead they want to know how come they don't get invited and why we don't pay for them when we pay for our young children to go. I digress. Keeping them and their outstretched hands away from me is a good thing.


Kate2009's picture

Holidays are definately

Holidays are definately coming into things for us as well.

Next year we're taking the 3 youngest stepkids skiing, they've never seen snow before and they're very excited about it.

I said to my partner I'm thinking of also inviting my sons, grandchildren and daughter in-law along. He instantly thought it was a fantastic idea and started to talk about taking the two eldest stepdaughters along as well.

I couldn't think of anything worse and told him this. I would be spending my whole holiday, walking on eggshells around them on a holiday we paid for.

These are the things that not only they miss out on, but their children will as well. It's not just about the holiday itself they are losing out on, it's some very special family memories that their younger siblings will remember forever.

BUT, a committment to family doesn't just apply when you want a gift, or a holiday. You can't just pick out the pieces you want.

12345's picture

What happened with the

What happened with the holiday trip? Did you exclude the oldest two? Did the lack of a free vacation make them come running back to you or cause more drama? Did you know your husband had children when you married him? You can't just pick out the pieces of his former life you want either. I'm sorry they've made your life difficult but I can't imagine telling my husband his children weren't welcome in our home (as in mine AND HIS- THEIR FATHER) or on a "family" vacation. If they choose to decline the invitation, that's wonderful for you. But even though they're adults, they're his children. So as his wife, it's your job to be more of an adult. If you are the one to force them out of your lives to "punish" them, he'll grow to resent you. Obviously boundaries need to be set but I'm appalled by some of the comments people on this board have made. When you get married, you marry the entire family. No, my step-kids aren't perfect by any means. But I love their father so I will do what I have to to keep them close, not to make me happy.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I agree with you 12345, when

I agree with you 12345, when you marry, you don't just marry the person you marry the family, you can't generalize these things everyone's circumstances are different. When I met and married my husband, he was estranged from his children and according to him it was all the ex-wifes doing. He was a loving dad, his kids adored him, but the wicked mother had made these adults feel guilty if they had a relationship with their dad. Such a sad situation for this loving, caring family man. I married him, and two years later the step adults came into our lives, and this was made possible by me, and without going into all the ways I gently tried to encourage my husband and his children to have some sort of relationship with each other, let me tell you what I found. I married, the man, and I married the fantasy of what his family were like. The children he said he had, were not the children that came into our life, he doesn't give a rats tail about his two sons, and only wants a reltaionship with his precious daughter, intrestingly enough the bully of the family, so much for him missing and loving ALL his children. I got hoodwinked, he lied and whilst in theory the marry the person, marry the family is a fair call, when you get lied to and believe the lies because you think this man is the love of your life and trust him blindly it puts things in a completly different arena. I think it would be fair to say, if this has happened to me, then it would have happened to others. So as much as I have tried for 8 years now because I do love my husband, the situation has only become worse and worse, they came into my home in which I tried to make them feel welcome, and in every visit they made I always stepped out of the room for a few minutes to allow them time to talk in private to their dad, even just to say to him we'd like to see you alone or something along those lines, I helped them time and time again without a word of thanks, but still continued I wanted my husband to have a relationship with his kids, and for them to have a relationship with him. But, what they all wanted was for me to get out of their father's life and then he could get back to giving them his pay packet. Despite me working full time, they think everything is their fathers, nothing belongs to me, and in the end, anything we have will go to them and nothing to my 3 kids. These precious children who loved him dearly that I was told about, never existed, and he is certainly not the father he claimed to be. The problems most people are complaining about are the lack of support for the wife by their husbands and fathers of these brats with over inflated senses of entitlement. I have been married to my husband for 10 years, and I do love him faults and all, but I am entitled to be respected in my own home, and he should if he loves me, tell his adult children (yes, these people are adults too you know), to stop the nonsense. To say that the wife should be the adult in these situations would be a fair comment if the kids were babies, toddlers, children or teenagers, but to put it back on the wife when we are dealing with ADULTS in there 30's and 40's is a bit unfair. We are not raising these people they have already been raised and it would appear in most cases by a mum and dad who have done an appalling job.

StepAside's picture




dogmom's picture

My husband and I just got

My husband and I just got this letter from his daughter. I am at a loss for words.
How do you deal with this?
She writes:
Dear Pap and (Dogmom),
I just got back from my trip which was great, but am to be honest
very irritated annoyed and angry at both of you as I hear some story
regarding your visit at M......'s and I think it's time for me to
clear the air and tell the perhaps brutally truth. Yes I am in an
emotianal and agry state as I write this, but frankly I do not give a
flying (F...) at this point. (Dogmom) how dare you getting it in your head
to even think you could be called Oma or see
yourself as our "Stephmom" in any kind of way other then by LAW which
freankly does not mean a thing other then MONEY! Remember Pap you
were married to mom by law which didn;t stop you from cheating on her
either so..( f...) the law! I'm so so angry and probaply dad you might
never want to talk to me after this but that would only proof that I'm
right. (Dogmom)WE you and I are NOT friends. I am nice to you because
you are a human being and because my dad says he loves you. I love my
dad and therefore respect his choices. However I do feel that you are
selfish and are always trying to weezle your way in between the
relationship I try to have with my father. I'm even more angry that
YOU dad, let this happen and don't actually show that you want to
spend time with us alone and show that you alway put (Dogmom) first for
everything??! I feel you guys are playing family with your dog, yet
you dad actually have four daughters and if I recall correctly when we
used to have animals at home you made it very clear that animals are
animals and humans humans, you even hated our cat when it would sit on
youoffice desk! And then to think of the idea that your dog goes to
all these ridiculous expensive hotels/grooming shit when you say
financially you are not doing well at all..?!?! Dad I'm mad at you for
many things and I think you are afraid to be around all four of your
daughters because you are scared of the confrontation you might get. I
know you love us and I really hope you know I Love you too. But I feel
you are not yourself anymore already for years and are caught up in
the pretentious fake world of LA living. I just wish you would for
once be honest and real with your emotions and feelings and hope that
one day you will become yourself again and be truly happy because
freankly I don't beleive you are happy. (Dogmom) if you really want a
chance to be accepted by me and by any people you will have to learn
to back off and give room for something real to grow. When we were in
Paris and you made this drama about how I went of on my own. You were
saying things how you were so looking forward to spending this time in
Paris with me. First of all this DAD, is something I wish you would
say and second, the whole reason I wanted to come to Paris or at any
time I see you guys is because it gives me the opportunity to see my
father! This has NOTHING to do with you (Dogmom). You don't and never
have felt your place, this is how I feel.
(Dogmom) I know you are going to be hurt by this email and you will probably
convince my dad that on how disrespectful and root I am and that he
should not allow me to talk to you both this way etc. I Know you
manipulate him because I SEE IT I know you also don't realize all the
time that you do this.. and I also know that you are a very lonley and
hurt human being due to proabaly things that have happpened to you.
However you are not the only one. DAD, (Dogmom), I'm scared for sending
this and for the affect this might have, but feel if I don't you will
never know how I feel and I would rather have you know how I feel and
you not wanting to talk to me again then to keep it inside. You have a
right to know.

StepAside's picture

What a self-centered

Jawdropping! What a self-centered BITCH!!!!! “When we were in Paris..” WTF???? Barf! Did her father pay for her vacation?? What a diva!!! OMG, how nauseating. Oh boohoo, her evil stepmother actually looked forward to spending time with her. Poor dear.

And she must be a mind reader. She knows how everybody really feels deep inside. What a judgmental, spiteful, small-minded rant this little shit gave. If she were my bio-kid, I’d have a talk with her alright.

Guess in one aspect, you can let go of hoping to have a relationship with her, just as she claims. She’s not the type of person you’d want to befriend anyway. Seriously, with that huge of an entitlement issue, I bet she is difficult for anyone to be friends with, nonetheless you.

Screw her. I’d be done. There is nothing you can respond with that she’d listen to. She’s made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you. She refuses to show you respect as her father’s wife, unlike her hypocritical statement, “I love my dad and therefore respect his choices.” That is totally BS. She clearly doesn’t respect her father at all. How insulting to him that she bashes his choice in a wife (hey, her mother was once his choice of a wife too, same rule apply?), bashes his choice in lifestyle, place to live, how to care for his dog, his true level of happiness. I mean, she all but called him braindead.

What is his response?

I’ve gotten into these email banters with a few of my SD’s before. But mine have never said that kind of crap. I seriously wouldn’t respond. Your DH owns this whole ball of wax. His princess has crossed way too many lines. I’m fuming for you.

Her email was cruel, ruthless, cold, cutting and INTENDED to hurt you and your husband. With intentions like that, she doesn’t need to be anywhere around you. And it’d be a cold day in hell when I agreed to fund her going anywhere in this world, most notedly Paris!!!! Oh my God. When I read Paris my eyes nearly crossed. What a spoiled princess. Good riddance!


mylifetimepunishment's picture

I am new on this site and

I am new on this site and all the postings on this rather sad subject brought tears to my eyes as it's very close to home. I've been married longer (20 years and counting) to the father of my 3 adult stepchildren. Their mother passed away 9 years ago but was replaced in true form and spirit by the eldest adult stepchild and staunchly supported by the other 2 adult siblings. The nastiness and everything - I've experienced it all (been there, done that). I tend to bottle things up a bit so I've never made it known to them how much i get hurt by all the mindgames and undermining being done to me. Every meeting is traumatizing and it takes me a week or two to get it all out of my system (every bone and muscle is stressed out, so to speak). It's an unwinnable battle and not really worth my while especially if their partners are also in on the act (ganging up on me). I should have found this site sooner as somehow it gives me renewed strength to keep going with the cross I've been carrying for the last 20 years and more to come. Time and time again, I'd promise/remind myself to just stop trying (it being a lost cause and all) then out of my strong love for my husband, I would put myself through it all over again....sometimes, I'm starting to think that I am being unkind to myself as when will I ever learn my lesson....

StepAside's picture

I know exactly how you feel.

I know exactly how you feel. DH's ex didn't die, but she moved back to her native country 12 years ago and left her kids with my MIL. OSD took up the cause. She tries to pretend that she's the peacemaker (should be, we spent $60k on the psych degree she doesn't use). I don't trust her intentions because I've heard what she says about me behind my back. When she was younger, she used to make the other two take pacts not to speak to me or our "bastard" child (who was a toddler at the time) when they would visit. Neither she nor her sisters have any remorse at all for the way they've treated me. In fact, OSD told DH about a year ago that I have deserved everything they've shelled out to date ("she dug her own grave").

There are always mindgames, demands, emotional blackmail, attempts to divide me and DH, threats, tantrums, alienation, mob mentality. It hurts. It just does. Nobody should have to contend with all this crap that comes with a marriage. I know for a fact not one of my stepdaughters would want this for their own marriages. They'll expect to be number 1. So I don't get how they can justify being such bitches to DH and me.

I digress. I've tried not to take it personally anymore. I see them as damaged goods, products of the dysfunctional upbringing they had and the dysfunctional folks who were raising them. Fear, shame and resentment were what they grew to know and it's what they contend with today. Lashing out at me is merely a symptom. They can't show love because they don't love themselves. They do everything they can to throw out huge smoke screens to protect themselves from anyone speaking the truth. For instance, my 25-yr-old SD is notorious for drive-bys at family events. Something will happen and she'll huff and puff and leave. But, when asked if she'd like to sit down and talk about things, her answer is no. I'm not worth her time. It's because she's too afraid of being told how shitty her behavior is. She already knows. I'm just sick of being the one who gets to be her punching bag. And the other two have done the same thing.

My only answer to date has been to tell DH to go there alone. MSD has never even been to our house and I doubt she will be coming here anytime soon. OSD comes about once every few years. YSD has been here a few times, but has since said she hates me too much to visit. So now I rarely see them. Consequences, our kids don't go anywhere I don't go, so they don't see our kids either. And DH rarely goes anywhere without us, so they just don't see him often. They are pissed as hell right now and feel like I've "won the war", as they have claimed. My terms for inclusion have been very simple, "BE NICE". They can't do it or refuse. To be closer to their father, they still refuse. And he has really picked up on how little they actually love him. He's hurt deeply that they can't suck up their pride and be civil on his behalf. It's really gross.

Anyway, holding them accountable for their behavior is all you can do. And for me, that means keeping me and my kids away from shitty acting people. I hear you saying that you feel for your husband. I used to feel bad for mine too. But here's the difference. I would NEVER EVER have allowed any child of mine to treat another human being as horrible as his kids have treated me. Where was the compassion for me? Why wasn't he defending me? How come he didn't reign them in long ago? Because it served his purpose back then. Years ago, it made him feel closer to them by maligning me. They could complain about me to him and he'd bond with them and be their hero. Now that all backfired, because they expected him to be divorced by now. Well, he's not. So, in essence, that means he choose me over them.

He never listened to me about not allowing disrespect from kids towards adults. For some reason, as a stepmother, I was the exception. Well, I wasn't the only exception. They sharpened their claws on me, and now they can fly off the handle at whomever they please. Treating others with respect is their last priority.

My DH grew their behavior. I would never have done that to him. That's where my compassion for him now ends. He asked for this. And he knows it. We've talked plenty about it.

I don't know what the future for us holds, but I do know nothing changes unless we change it. I changed by not going to see them anymore. And it's driving my psycho MIL crazy because that also means I'm not bringing our kids to her town either. Too bad, she contributed to this nasty shit as well. They used to hound DH to leave me at home and bring the kids without me. Not unless he plans to be visited by the police. He finally told them to stop asking, it's not happening.

I have the right to make decisions the protect me and so do you. And when you show them you are through with the games, only then do I think any of us stand a chance at resetting the terms of our relationship. My SD's are showing some signs that they are considering changing their behavior. Not that I hold out too much hope, but at least the thought is crossing their minds. They realize what they are losing, their father, permanently. I think they imagined he'd just keep chasing them and I'd just keep handing them my ass to kick. They are seeing that we are adapting to not having them in our lives. So, we'll see how that goes.

But I know the last time I was there, something happened that made me so furious, I thought about it nonstop for several months. I vowed never to make myself that vulnerable again. Until they can be trusted, they will have to visit under our roof. And if they can't behave, their asses will be tossed out.


LONGTIME SM's picture

I don't know step - my

I don't know step - my stepkids are rude to me in my own house! I have never had the nerve to toss them out and I am not sure that my husband would support me if I tried - even though it is my house! For this reason I have vowed not to invite them to my house again as I never know how they will act. At least somnewhere else I and my children can leave if they are ugly to me.

Longtime SM

"When people show you who they are believe them" - OPRAH

StepAside's picture

That's crap. Your house is

That's crap. Your house is your sanctuary. You're place to feel peace and love. There's not a picture of any of my SD's or MIL on any wall in my house. This is where I feel safe and warm and secure. Their chosen attitude isn't going to enter my sanctuary, not an option. If DH feels that they are entitled to do that in our house, than my sanctuary will be somewhere else.


LONGTIME SM's picture

I hear what you're saying

I hear what you're saying and you're right but if I tried to kick them out it would make a scene that all other attendees would witness. Now mind you if it was just my family there I would do it as they would help me throw them out but usually it is a larger gathering! In this situation I can not trust my husband to back me up as he is oblivious to their ugliness and would tell me they did not mean it.

Hence much to my husband's dismay I have informed him that the grown skids are not invited back even if they start talking to him again. That way I don't have to deal with this situation ever again!!! Both of his grown kids live locally so if he feels strongly enough about this he can make his own choice about how to see them but visits will not happen in my house!

I used to have pictures of them in the house but after noticing none in my SDs house of her half sisters ( my BDs) I no longer feel obligated to have any of the skid's pictures in mine! I also no longer waste money sending SD any pictures of her sisters.

Longtime SM

"When people show you who they are believe them" - OPRAH

StepAside's picture

Nobody can say squat to you

Nobody can say squat to you if you ask questions. It's been my experience that my SKids absolutely do not plan on having their behavior addressed.

You could bat your pretty eyes, and say "Is something wrong?", "Why would you say that?", "Is there something in your eye?", "That hurt, did you mean for it to hurt?"

When YOU ask questions, THEY have to answer. That gives them the choice to 1) ramp it up so that you DH can't pretend not to notice, or 2) back down and eat crow.

But you weren't mean in the least. You just asked some questions.


mylifetimepunishment's picture

i cried while reading your

i cried while reading your reply as it is the first time that somebody has taken the time to understand me and emphatized with my plight---and a total stranger at that who turned out to be the best person i've met in such a long time. thank you, dear sister. you see, i'm an extremely private person and this is not my native country (although i've lived in it far longer) so having no relatives nor real friends to confide in, it's quite hard. worse is, we were never able to have our own kids together so I am completely alone today in my struggles with DH's 3 adult sons. In the early years, i told my sister-in-law about these issues which later turned out to be a bad decision as being the minority and the outsider with no one to back me up, i may have been misconstrued. That was 1 lesson learned and earned. So, everytime I managed to save some dough, I would encourage my husband to spend time overseas (especially around Xmas time) so we avoid the hypocrisy and covert nastiness that takes place over xmas with his adult sons and their partners. It's a constant - when they echo each other's effort to put me down and be dismissive of whatever I'm saying with matching facial expressions. Lately, every meeting with them I'm finding that the deceased BM is always included in the conversation which really puzzles me. DH - deep down inside knows they would have preferred that he died instead of the BM. You see, during and after the divorce the BM demonized my husband in order to justify her marrying a very close of theirs (which in the process destroyed another family). My husband did not meet me until after a year after the BM's marriage to their close friend. So the demonizing continued on well into my term with both of us mostly me being the bad guy. If things don't go their way, they would hate DH but eventually make up with him (blood, family thing). Which of course leaves me as the one they dump on, naturally. Anyway, I wasn't there when it all happened so for me to get dumped on is just pathetic. My husband was not the one that cheated but he comes across as he has to compensate for something. He tells me that I've never been a parent so I won't be able to relate to his predicament. But we're talking about grownups in their mid-to-late 30's here...I could tell you a lot more but i'm really teary now. I just want to thank you for your kindness and support. My wish is someday to have someone like you at this very rare meal events with us - an observer and my support. I tell you, DH is oblivious to what's going on and i've given up on him in this area. It just adds to my misery having to explain what I go through with his mob and all. Therefore, because I have a hard time switching off after an hour or 2 with them (recovery time for me is 2 weeks at least), I tend to see them only twice a year for DH's sake. Perhaps, to have someone like you with me at these gatherings, won't be it nice to see these mob (3 ssons & partners) switch it on for appearance sake (they're pretty good at that, you know, the typical bully profile). I hope you don't mind that I've added you to my buddy list. thanks again, dear friend.

StepAside's picture

I don't have a lot of time

I don't have a lot of time to answer. But you can do this. In truth, you are the last person they want to talk about their mother with. No doubt they have given her sainthood status. They use her name to hurt you. That is it. However, when they bring her into the subject, now her name is fair game. Ask questions about her.

Let's say your ss says, "Dad, remember that time Mom bought us matching snow suits?"

You: "So your mom love the snow? Did she snow ski? Was that something she did as a kid? Did she teach you guys how to ski? What were her favorite things to do?"

I've done that to my SD's several times. Works like a charm. Because they really don't want to discuss their mother with me, the enemy. The only want to hurt me with driveby mentions of her. So once she's up for discussion, I ask all sorts of questions about her. You can see them get uncomfortable and the subject changes pretty quick.


eyes2blue68's picture

Right on StepAside! I

Right on StepAside! I really don't want to know what the mother is doing either but when crap is flung with me about the family life prior to me being in it, I'm a lot like you. Of course I went a little step farther. My comments would be like "Was it really all that great knowing your mom was sleeping around on your dad and now she's on her 4th marriage? Do you enjoy having a bunch of half sibings? What a role model. I know you hope your life turns out just like hers." Then I get comments like they remember all the fighting, feuding, their mom kicking their dad out and dad not wanting the marriage to end, etc. and I look like a dang saint. It's especially effective around the holidays as we always play 2nd fiddle to the bio moms. Then I say "Just think if your parents had stayed together and your mom hadn't filed for divorce, you wouldn't have to figure out who you spend the holidays with." I can be mean spirited but I get tired of being told when they can conveniently see us. They no longer tell me their mother is unhappy in her current marriage. Every now and then I hear a "slip up" and just ignore it.

Me (41). DH (turns 54 late November). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

***** Follow me on my blog! Me (41). DH (54). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

mylifetimepunishment's picture

thanks heaps stepaside.

thanks heaps stepaside. great advice and definitely do-able. Will keep this strategy in mind for the next hit-me-with-your-best-shot meet-up with the 3 pretend adult stoogies. Meanwhile, DH and I are off somewhere for the holidays. Have a great Xmas and NY and thanks for your support. I hope to return the kind gesture in the future. Bless you.

Tryingherbest's picture

Hello,I have found myself in

Hello,I have found myself in a very silat situation,I have felt like saying the same thing to my partner,however now it has turned out my ss does not want to come round and after seeing how he is hurting over it,I'm glad I never said that to him.but I totally know where yourcoming from.I cant offer youany advice as I haven't a clue within my own situation Wich sounds like the same with the ex etc but can tell you you not alone and there are people out there that know exactly how you feel.

Tryingherbest's picture

Hello,I have found myself in

Hello,I have found myself in a very silat situation,I have felt like saying the same thing to my partner,however now it has turned out my ss does not want to come round and after seeing how he is hurting over it,I'm glad I never said that to him.but I totally know where yourcoming from.I cant offer youany advice as I haven't a clue within my own situation Wich sounds like the same with the ex etc but can tell you you not alone and there are people out there that know exactly how you feel.

donna123's picture

Hello, all you wicked, evil

Hello, all you wicked, evil stepmothers with erhum shall we call them ADULT stepchildren? I just received my Christmas birthday/Christmas gift and it was a much too small birthday hat with four candles on it, and a diaper bag. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Gawd who ever thought passive aggression would relate to gifts...oh wait a minute of course I knew that! And that is our reward for sending a very generous cheque:@ Perhaps I may send back the diaper bag with some very dirty, shitty, diapers in it! No wait, what a waste of my money.

Let me tell you ladies, I have been married to my husband for 16 years with his two so called adult children who are SD 36 and SS33 and it has never become easier, and as all the research shows, when the children don't warm up to stepmom it is almost always because of mother. Ya, So? So now I know it's mom's interferrence? Now what? Do you think that biatch is actually going to admit to causing the trouble? Not on your life! She is going to keep on pretending that she is an innocent little victim. Do you think husband is going to admit to it? Not on your life! Do you think the "children" are going to admit to treating you like shit and causing a lot of pain? Not on your life!

It has to be YOU that is causing all the trouble...YOU, the flawed, evil. wicked woman who has hoodwinked our sweet loveable father! He used to be such a a great guy and we used to be so close to him until SHE came along! So she "dug her own grave" and you deserve it. We can treat her anyway we want to, and our unchecked hostility is very ugly and we know our sweet loveable dad won't EVER defend HER from our attacks, so we can do whatever we want to do to HER.

Take off the kid gloves and fight back! They aren't little kids, they are fully grown adults who should get their just deserts.

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people"...Jack Handey

vgill's picture



LONGTIME SM's picture

Amen to your amen!

Amen to your amen!

Longtime SM

"When people show you who they are believe them" - OPRAH

Evil_Step's picture

Where to start - I have to

Where to start - I have to get this off my chest before I burst and say something totally awful to this kid who I will call "Cain" (kid, who am I kidding.....he's 27) and alienate him (not worried about alienating him from me but rather his father) I hate my youngest stepson - well I don't really hate him, but he makes it more difficult all the time to like him - His father and I met long after his parents had divorced - when we met, Cain was in prison for malicious property damage.

From all accounts, Cain and his father apparently have never had a great relationship, in large part due to the biomom, who would allow the Cain to do/say anything he wanted without consequences (this has been told to me by several family members, including my other step son (Abel), now, my husband is not perfect, but does have a strong set of values and beliefs which have never quite meshed w/ Cain.

It seems the only time we ever hear from Cain is when he wants something (usually money) or wants to brag about something (what he has bought, his latest raise from his job etc) Cain has 2 girls from 2 different girls who he sees as often as he can (I will give him points for being there as a dad, although w/ his warped sense of entitlement, I'm really not sure that these girls will grow up well adjusted at all) - his choice of baby mothers are less than stellar, the 1st girl is a drug addict and his daughter is being raised primarily by the mothers parents, but he has liberal visitation. The 2nd baby mother is a girl who has 4 children, all with different men and met Cain thru a website promoting one night stands (most politically correct way I can say this)

So there's all the background, so the latest issue that has me so ticked off is that I had a surprise 50th birthday party for his dad, which I told Cain about 2.5 months in advance so he could arrange to take part or all of the night off from work, this milestone was apparently NOT important to him at all, he told me flat out he would not be making it as he had to work, however, when he was told 2 weeks in advance of the family Christmas party, he could make arrangements to take that night off. So frustrating, especially since his father has bet over backwards trying to strengthen their relationship, so what this tells me is that the effort is totally one sided (my husbands) I really want to tell this ungrateful sh*t how much I despise him, that he is selfish and insensitive, but I can't because I know he will use that as an excuse to lash out at his father.

I also do not want to see him and goodness knows that when Cain next needs money, I am not going to want to help (this is always a decision that my husband and I make together, given I take care of the bills, it's usually in terms of "what can we afford") I know this is going to be an issue - so what next - how do I get past my feelings of resentment and yes in large part my hurt feelings!

StepAside's picture

No solid answers, because

No solid answers, because this is a common ongoing situation many of us face.

But I think you and your DH should try going to a counselor together and talk about it. I think it helps men to hear from other men what is happening. Then, the counselor will tell you two to get on the same page and stop funneling cash to this grown (con)man. You sound like you have resentment over the past and dread over the future, because you fear your DH won't say no and you'll get used again. Can't fix the past. But what if through counseling, your DH got on the same page with you and stopped allowing you both to get used? Might feel pretty good.

Successful relationships are based on mutual respect.


llwillia's picture

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with the SS. I am not so noble about keeping those thoughts to myself!

It is a positive thing that your hubby makes decisions about giving money to the SS with you. I am worried that if I marry the guy I'm dating that he will not consult me about such decisions, which makes me now consider alternatives, such as completely separate accounts. And even if he did, it would become frustrating because he continually supports his adult children (one with his own family, and a wife that works) without regard to creating a dependency on that support (and that is the only time he hears from one of them).

llwillia's picture

I find myself in a similar

I find myself in a similar situation, although we are not yet married. I am dealing with two of my soon to be husband's "adult" children on a dating basis, and I am at my wits end already! Reading your posts, I'm not sure if I want to put myself through marrying this man and then tolerating the "adults" behavior. One of the adults lives with him, and routinely refuses to speak to me and disrespects me at every turn. I cannot understand why my BF will not give him an ultimatum; either act like you have some common courtesy or move! I have a 16 year old that behaves more maturely, and who knows I would never tolerate insolence toward him even if she didn't like him.

Yet another issue is that this man has been divorced since November 2008, and some of his ex-wife's things are still on his property, in his house, in his garage.

I'm not sure this is someone I can marry, as I have enough of my own dysfunctional family (from childhood) stuff to work out. There is so much more I can say that is just way weird in that family, but that is for another forum.

If you had to do this all over again, any of you, under these circumstances, would you?

dianalg's picture

OMG, my story is the same,

OMG, my story is the same, except the adult ss lives with my fiance and I, and there is also a 16 yr old that bounces back and forth and takes over when he is here. It is unbearable, i do not want the twenty yr old here. he will not work, wont get a licence, and lays in bed all day and eats every fifteen minutes, he treats me the same way. Barely says hello in my own home, i spend most my time out of work in my bedroom. I dont know what to do either. I just didnt think anyone else was in the same boat as me, but, you are exactly in the same boat as me.

llwillia's picture

I am so frustrated that

I am so frustrated that starting tonight, I will be seeing a therapist/relationship coach on this and the other issues.

stepgin's picture

WOW!! She sounds like a

WOW!! She sounds like a sister from another mother to my SD32! Good luck, honey, because you're going to need it!

"When someone shows you who they are...BELIEVE THEM!" - Oprah Winfrey

unhappy step's picture

I have been a step mother for

Sad I have been a step mother for 18 yrs. I think I have bent over backwards to be good to my steps & the grand child.....but I keep having my heart broke. The step daughter is so nice to my face but her actions are not the same. I baby sit more than anyone for her. This post is more to vent....Mothers Day's nothing but a text. The Monday following she did bring cards from her and the grandson but only when she brought him over for me to babysit. My husbsand defends her and he never says anything unless to vent to me sometimes. I have children of my own and sometimes feel like I treat her better than my own.

glynne's picture

Disengagement is the key. I

Disengagement is the key. I met SD when she was 9 and she's 27 now. I disengaged about the time she was 20. Tried joint counseling with her after that and of course she no-showed for each appt: migraines, work conflict, blah blah. DH believed her excuses and still does. Finally - I just gave up. That was a sad day for me because I'm not a quitter and I like to "fix" things and I thought that I could help SD and SD/DH's relationship. I did counseling on my own and per my counselor's advice attended Alanon so that I could understand my role in this 3 ring circus.

I finally learned a few things:
I cannot make SD behave in way that I want her to behave
I cannot make SD like/love me
I cannot fix SD and DH's relationship
How DH parents SD is not my business
I determine how SD treats me
I deserve the same respect and courtesy that I extend to SD and others
I have the right to take care of myself and set fair bounderies
I have the right to exclude toxic people from my life.

So - I rarely interact with SD and that's okay by me. No 1 on 1 time with SD. She is welcome in our home as long as she leaves her baggage and drama at the door and DH is home.

Does it still make me sad - sure. Do I miss the little girl that I was close to once - yes. Do I feel guilty - no. Am I okay with the disengagement and do I have my home back - ABSOLUTELY.


"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Yogi Berra

unhappy2happy's picture

Nothing changed in my

Nothing changed in my situation with my SD until my DH stepped in a basically told her... That regardless of how she feels about me I am his wife.. And when she saw me she had better think of him.. and how she treated me he was going to treat her.. Until he put his foot down with his child she did not stop.. Once he did things have been much better.. I told him she does not have to love me but she will respect me and be polite to me in my presence. I also told him he had better handle the problem because I was not going to live the rest of my life with him being her Daddy and me being a piece of Shiot under her feet.. Not going to happen..

You would be amazed how things have changed since he told her you are not going to ruin my marriage.. I love you but I will not have a relationship with you if things don't change..

Marbear's picture

Like so many of the above, I

Like so many of the above, I too have had to deal with rude, obnoxious, adult sc. In the beginning I tried to me pleasant,polite and even helped them out on several occasions, but none of this helped. I agree that the best thing to do is to disengage and accept the fact that they will probably never change.

I also used to complain to DH, about his kids and like so many of you, got nothing but excuses for the way they behaved from him.

Things came to a head when I was chatting with somebody on Facebook and both SD's started making snide remarks when they joined in the conversation, contradicting everything I said and making me out to be a liar and worse. I immediately blocked them from my Facebook and this is when the s-t, literally hit the proverbial fan. Shortly after this, I went with DH to one of the SD's house on the birthday of her little girl and was told to leave and to take the gifts I had bought the child with me. Actually she used a lot of profanities and my DH was beyond shocked and for the first time ever, stood up for me and we left together.

Soon after this SD sent me an email telling me what a bitch I am and going on and on about all the things she dislikes about me. I replied by saying that there are always 2 sides to every coin and that there are many things about her that I find annoying and frustrating, but I ended the email by saying that this was now all in the past and suggested that we start again afresh and try to get along together. She replied by going on an on ad nausea about how she hates me, blah, blah blah...!!

I have come to the conclusion that I have acted in a mature and adult manner and that I gave her the opportunity to make amends, but obviously to no avail. So, I am done now and want nothing further to do with her or her sister. They are no longer allowed to come to our home if I am at home, as I refuse to be abused any further in my own home. I don't need them to like me or even get along with me if this is their choice.

Since making this decision, I feel so liberated, so much better about who I am and what I am all about and their hating me now just makes me laugh. If they do not possess the emotional intelligence or maturity to behave like the adults they are supposed to be, then why on earth should I care!!

I have many great and wonderful friends in my life and life is way to short to be giving away my power to people who clearly don't deserve my respect or acknowledgment!!

So, don't go beating yourself up on the futile mission of trying to get along with sk who are intent on making your life a misery!!! It is just not worth it in the bigger scheme of things.

Love, laugh and live, this is my motto!!

glynne's picture

Amen Marbear! I like you

Amen Marbear!

I like you finally disengaged and am so much happier. The only regret I have about my disengagement is that I should've done it sooner.


"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Yogi Berra

StepAside's picture

I agree so much with you. I

I agree so much with you. I wish I had figured out sooner how common it is to be treated like dirt by your adult stepchildren, so that I didn't take it personally. I'm used to trying to "fix" problems. Not used to problems being unresolved just forever. It's a weird concept. Most of the issues in my life are resolved. I've had disagreements with family members, but we've quickly made up. That just doesn't happen with HATEFUL, spiteful, resentful, mean, backstabbing, vicious, entitlement-rich, drama-addicted, daddy owning, fist pumping, feet stomping, jealous, grown stepchildren (can we call them stepadults? because that's what they are, even if they don't act that way).

They often don't WANT to resolve anything. Every attempt we make is often just more opportunities for them to remind us that they don't want to resolve anything.

But you know, with support from others who are in our shoes, we can grow to let it go and be resolved with ourselves and our efforts. Screw it. That's my motto. And I'm pretty okay with it. Smiling


AVR1962's picture

It's great to meet so many

It's great to meet so many going thru the exact situation as myself. I didn't read all the old posts as there are alot here but I read is so familiar. I too tried to be the perfect mom as bio mom wasn't a consistant part of the picture and stepsons were small. I thought the troubles we were dealing with with all be worth it in time and that one day the boys would be able to see what I had done for them and see their mom for who she was. If I wasn't ever mistaken. I too had the husband who just thought I wasn't trying hard enough and wouldn't put a foot down to his sons. I took so much disrespect and I did everything to defend myself. I finally went to an attorney at the point the younger boy was 18, I wanted to know my legal righst as a stepmom, found out it was basically nothing. I told him of the trouble and the attorney asked me why the 18 year old was still in the house. I then went home and told my husband that stepson goes or I will, he asked his son to leave. Stepson did not speak to me for several years, and it's been real rocky since. At one point I had disconnected but my husband wants me to be a part and he will not let that go. I then get to feeling guilty for not being more "kind" or "caring" and it all blows up in my face again. I know no other way to get this all to stop that to disconnect completely and stand my ground with my husband on the subject.

HappyB4's picture

I went to a meeting of Al

I went to a meeting of Al Anon last night- it's for people with family or emotional issues as well as people with alcoholics is the family.

I was stirred up & very emotionally upset. People who had been going to the meetings for a while got somewhat calmer, and people who had been going for longer were not only calmer; some talked about how when they changed, they were able to change their relationships with family members.

Part of the thing is "detachment" - not being emotionally affected by the behavior of others. That may mean staying away from the difficult family members (a solution that doesn't work if the family members are living in your home).

I wish you strength & happiness.

AVR1962's picture

I think detachment is exactly

I think detachment is exactly what I need to do, thanks for your post!

LolaDog61's picture

Thank you for this, also. I

Thank you for this, also. I believe Alanon is precisely what I need. My family is so nuts, and they are driving me crazy. Of course, every single one of them points his/her finger at me to scream that I am the one who is crazy. And while I'm crazy as a loon, secretly I know I've always been a little bit batty. Nevertheless, a little peace would help me immensely.

Hmmm's picture

One thing that helps is to

One thing that helps is to simply acknowledge it to everyone. Just talk about it at family gatherings, like "Oh, they don't talk to me." If there is any sign of improvement, announce that. Say, "So and so said hello to me." You need to act with utter confidence and stop treating it like it is a sign that you have a contagious disease. Banning them from the house is only a reminder of how much they can, and have hurt you, and how much power they have over you.

The problem is that you are ashamed and angry. You are internalizing their behavior as a reflection of your value and then seeking reassurance that you are worth something. Of course you're worth something. A lot. That is the message that you have to remind yourself. And that is regardless of whether they say hello to you or not.

AVR1962's picture

For those of you who have

For those of you who have been struggling imbalance over the stepchildren you might find this quote from the book I am reading very informative. Like many of you, I tried to get husband more involved with the kids, including his own, asking him what he felt should be done, we'd agree and then no action was taken on his part. Basiclly time and time again it was me taking care of issues and then when I did the boys would go to the dad all upset and he would come up with something to say to them. Then he'd tell me how I over reacted and with time lots of resentment built up in all directions. Husband wanted to just let his boys run and do anything they wanted and I think that came from his own childhood where his mom was very controlling and over-bearing and he did not want to be the same for his sons but he was going the extreme opposite direction. First quote is about the intellectualizer and many of you will be able to identify with this as well, and the second quote is about imbalance:

Emotional Unavailability by Bryn C Collin. ".....When you are in the middle of an emtional moment, you are lost in the emotion itself and don't have the ability to step back from it to break it down into crunchable little bits that can be analyzed and catergorized......People who intellectualize, on the other hand, keep everything and everyone at a distance all the time. They manage the emotional impact of feeling by discussing it from a safe, distant perch on which they sit.....A intellectualizer sees himself as a rational, controlled, thoughtful peson who doesn't do things impulsively and doesn't make decisions based only on feelings." (The book gives an example about a man named Peter and his wife named Sylvia.) "Sylvia has been unable over their years together to encourage Peter to break out of his pattern of distance because he doesn't see that his style is emotionally damaging to her." (this is so my husband)

The next chapter talked about power balances. "Signs of power imbalances include the feeling that you don't have a voice in a relationship or that you are always the one who is not important. If you find yourself doing things you don't like, eating food you don't like in restaurants you don't care for, being with friends you don't find interesting, or going places you don't want to go at times that are inconvenient, you may want to look at the power base in your relationship. You may also want to ask yourself how much of the power you've simply offered up because it's the path of least resistance." (BINGO, our sitaution exactly! I have said it all repeatedly and this is how it has been being a stepmom and second wife.) "Being in the disempowered position can have all sorts of negative consequences. First, your self-esteem takes a battering over time as you struggle to retain your personal worth in the face of evidence that you aren't worthy. Second, you begin to extend this powerlessness into other relationships, almost as though you are justifying the surrender to power in the primary relationship. You begin handing off power to your boss, your job peers, the guy down the block. It's as if you're trying to make everything OK by spreading your power around. All that does is lower your self-esteem." This is what I have to stop!

StepAside's picture

Wow, love that part about the

Wow, love that part about the power imbalances. The day I told DH I was done with his family and I wasn't going back, felt soooooooo good. Probably because I was taking my power back. I still give it up too readily though, but not nearly like I used to. I do appreciate reading the consequences, and they make so much sense. Now that I know it's a proven fact that these consequences are to be expected, maybe I'll stop being so damned surprised every time they happen, and finally stop giving a rat's arse.


Stepmartyr's picture

What you wrote hit everything

What you wrote hit everything on the head for me. Yes, I'm ashamed when people ask me about my step kids..like why we don't get together on Xmas. It's embarrassing. You're so right on the internalizing of their behavior. I just have to really digest this now.

How do you know this stuff? Are you a therapist or is there a book you can recommend?

Thx much.

socalgal's picture

I guess my question is how do

I guess my question is how do you continue to care about the husband when he hasn't supported you. My husband is so manipulated by his kids out of guilt that he will put himself in financial jeapordy to support them. They are all grown up. I did the same thing, I disengaged from his family. I am much too old to be putting myself into situations that make me feel bad. After 6 yrs of marriage, I resent my husband now. We can't even have a discussion about his kids. The last time we did, I told him that I was sick of not having his support and he threw a soda all over the inside of my car out of frustration. That was the day I decided I would never utter a word about them again. It's kept the peace in the house but now I just want to be alone and not married. There's just too much water under that bridge now. By the way... my grown kids NEVER treated him badly. His kids treated my kids like crap and looked down their nose at them. The oldest kid is the instigator and sets the scene on how the others react. I am glad to know that I'm not alone with this stuff. If I ever get married again, I'm not ever going to make the first move with step kids. They are going to have to want to know me first.

outof hope's picture

I feel for all of the posts I

I feel for all of the posts I have been reading and am in the exact situation with my two grown adult stepchildren. Bottom line: They never wanted a relationship with me. Having a relationship with me means they would be accepting the fact that Dad has moved on and isn't "in love" with their mom anymore. They didn't want that. They also couldn't accept the fact that they were adult children and needed to learn how to take financial responsibility for themselves. I don't know how long they expected to live on the dole, but they got cut off before they thought they should have. They were both out of the house before the money stopped flowing. And guess who they were pointing the finger at for the blame....me. They made up ideas that I "thought I was better than them". I think that's their own insecurities coming through because I never made any disparaging remarks to them. But again, I'm the one that's hated.

I don't care anymore. I finally got tired of trying to please and getting no where fast. It is so much easier to rid your mind of futile ideas of a wonderful relationship with the skids. When they don't want it, and being in drama all the time is to their benefit, then it is never going to be resolved. Just accept the fact that you cannot change what you didn't create....and hope the best for them. They are not welcome in my home.....I have drawn that line. I am taking their power away by setting some of my OWN boundaries with them. Live and let live. They can go their way and I'll go mine. My husband is supportive of my decisions and cannot understand his children's behavior...although the behavior is not a surprise. He had problems with them before I came into the picture. I could see issues when I was dating my husband, but I didn't take heed. Probably in hindsight I would have thought about what I was getting into a little more. It has been hard feeling hated and thinking you have to watch your back. Not a good way to live. But I feel I may have crossed the gully and am climbing up the other side. Life is better now that I have released myself of the responsibility of trying to establish a relationship where one was never wanted.

outof hope's picture

And in response to "how do

And in response to "how do you continue to care for someone who isn't supportive"....it's not easy. I have very hurt feelings over all of this. Husband has tried to be as compassionate to me as he can be. But just think of it this way. How can you go against your own flesh and blood? He knows they are rotten, but in the end they ARE his kids. You have to respect that. Be patient, but don't get bullied......don't give away the power you have over your OWN feelings.

AVR1962's picture

Socalgal, I think Outofhope

Socalgal, I think Outofhope described it well.....it's really hard to see your own flesh and blood objectively. I think as the children grow up (I have 3 bios myself) we learn to cater to their needs and I think that is hard to turn off for some parents for a fear of losing the child or making the child upset when we have tried all their lives to support and make them happy.

There was a change for me at one point and I think it would have been real hard to continue had this not happened. There was a huge incident with the kids after they had all moved out. Oldest boy asked to meet with his dad. SS then proceeded to berate me and tell his dad that I shoudl not have done this, I should not have said that, he went on to tell him things I had never done, never said. Husband then knew that his son was only trying to create trouble. That was 3 years ago. Husband send a eCard on holidays to this son and that is basically it. He saw what I had been talking about all these years.

With the younger boy, his baby, it was alot harder for him to see but he finally messed up too. Husband told me last night that SS is being a "Little shit." He and I both got a email telling me off basically. I told him that I had to step away from the kids all together (raised both boys from 5 & 7) but stepmom was full of hate and made sure she implanted the same in the boys. He said he understood.

Blender, what a story about your XH's family at your wedding, and good for you standing up to the situation!

kimatham's picture

Hi, I am definately able to

Hi, I am definately able to relate to all the posts here and I apologise for the length of this one, but this is not even half of it..
I have been living with my partner for 6 years. He was still married to his estranged wife until recently. He has an adopted son, who is a decent, caring man with a very laid back attitude to life. His half-sister, my partners daughter however is not like her brother. She has never had a full time job that has lasted more than a few weeks, she spends all her money on fake tan, makeup and going to clubs, well I say her money, she has always sponged off anyone who had money. Friends are no longer in existance and her boyfriend finally had enough, he was besotted with her but her nasty, malicious tongue wore him into the ground bless him. She has Daddy trapped on a permanent gulit trip after her mother abandoned them and moved abroad and a relationship that daughter says was physically and emotionally abusive. She still keeps in touch with them though.
Our relationship started out ok, with her telling everyone how good I was for her Dad and I'd seemed to have cracked it, being aware of her past I always tried to be kind and caring, it meant alot to her Dad that we got on too.
However in recent years there have been so many occassions when Her tirades on me have left me in tears. The basis always being 'how I don't like her or care about her' having bailed her out with final demands,taken her shopping, listened to her when she was upset etc etc...
The final straw has now been reached:
She is single, was staying with a friend about 150 miles away, we always visited every weekend and I know Dad gave her money and we always restocked the food cupboard. She was on benefits so had a small amount of money on a regular basis which she spent on her looks, hair extensions, fake tan etc. Her friend got pregnant and she and her partner wanted the house back for them, quite reasonable. I had put my house on the market as we were going to buy a house abroad and live in my partners house to stay here working to pay the holiday home mortgage. My partner has a house near mine as an investment, so our plans were put on hold and she moved in, dad paying for everything again.
After 2 weeks she said she couldn't stay here because she had no friends and she didn't fit in. Dad wasn't running round to her every five minutes and off she went back to yet another so called friend.
Another two months or so passedSold my car and house back on the market) and then she arrived on the doorstep in a bit of a state, telling us that she was pregnant. Only 7 weeks but she wanted the baby. So she moved back here, all plans completely and has been here ever since, my daughters and son trying to get her to go out with them, offering to take her to the doctors, benefits office etc. She had them running round for her too. I was always polite and welcoming but didn't run round after her, I didn't do it for mine either, so I was the 'evil bitch'(her words)and I hated her. A bit strong, did'nt like her, annoyed with her, yes.
My partner was in a difficult place, trying to maintain some normality but keep the peace with his daughter.
It finally came to a head when he took me out for dinner and told me I hadn't been supportive of her at all and that he wasn't going to miss out on his grandson and I had to, as the adult, make amends with his daughter, I wasn't aware that there was a major problem as such, just she didn't come round for dinner as much. Then he dropped the bombshell that he was moving out because of the rift and that he couldn't live with my son anymore. Up until that evening they had been mates, laughing and joking all the time, so it was all a bit of a shock. I reacted badly, I walked out of the restaurant and called my son to pick me up.
My partner says he loves me and if it was just us everything would be fantastic but his daughter and new grandchild have to come first, and that he won't give them up and that through my unreasonable attitude I was making him choose.
I am totally devastated,he is the best thing to ever happen to me and we are soulmates. I am a kind, caring person, an ex nurse and now a teacher. I'm not a bad person and have tried really hard to get along with his daughter, I don't know what i have done or said to cause all this but he says the only time we'll be together now is when the kids have gone. How do I get out of this I desperately want our relationship back to how it was.....

Dory's picture

This just sounds awful for

This just sounds awful for you - and like many others' situation - full of drama. Please buy yourself the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin, you'll notice that a lot of the posters here have read it, and make sure your husband also reads it. I have stepkids in their twenties, and I've been married to their father for 12 years, and there are still moments of drama. Your stepdaughter sounds highly manipulative. I have read a number of posts here - lots of them - where the stepmothers report that once a grandchild arrives in the family, the stepdaughters use their babies as bargaining tools. They may threaten their father that they won't have a chance to see their own grandchild, unless you dump your wife - or words to that effect. Have you read many other posts on Step Talk? If you do you will see that there is very much a recurring theme. Good luck to you and sorry for your bad situation. Please please, buy the book - it makes sense of our ridiculous situations!

kimatham's picture

Thank you for your post, I

Thank you for your post, I was just venting really, I am afraid his daughter will use the baby as a bargaining tool. It's already worked, she had told him, now he tells me, that she was getting the baby adopted as she knew she couldn't cope on her own. Hence his decision to move out. I will definately get the book as you suggest, but in the meantime try to carry on as best I can.

pistol1993's picture

i have been married for 11

i have been married for 11 years he has four kids ranging from 34 to 23. i have two kids 40 and 33. i have had each one of this kids live with us since we have been together. my oldest son had to move in with us because of health issues he is on disability now. his son last year is on crack which he is in jail now. his grandkids came to visit us for a couple of days his son was trying to take them out of our house and i was trying to keep the kids here because he was high on drugs he put his hands on me and got the kids out of my house anyway i had him arrested for dv. which my husband said he didn't hurt me why did i do that. i lived in a abusive relationship for 22 years and when i got out of it i am not going to have another man or anybody put their hands on me. i am going to dv classes now to try and work though all my problems which i should of done before i married again. now his 34 years old daughter has moved in with us to go back to school. which she went for 3 months and quit because she didn't like the teacher. she is atarting another school in dec. she gives us nothing she is barely makig it working at a bar. she bought her dog which i buy its dogfood and take care of it. she works nights sleeps all day gets up just in time to eat and get ready to go back to work. she sits on the couch on her off day watching tv and watches ma and her dad clean house she leaves her s--- all over the house doesn't turn her hands to do anything. i can't tell you how many times i have had to pickup her clothes out of the bathroom. my husband's excuse is that is just the way she is please that is not the way i was raised i am 61 and my husband is 62. i have got atleast another year and a half to put up with this s--- and it is causing me and my husbamd a lot of problems with our marriage and i don't know how to fix it.i am at my wits end if somebody has been in this situation please help with this for now me and his daughter is barely talking. it just burns my a-- she isn't thankful that she has a place that is free and she can go back to school and she can't even help do things around the house and my husband takes up for her please help

KathyB's picture

When I stepped outside of my

When I stepped outside of my SD's life when she went off to college, it was the same behaviors she exhibited towards me that you speak of with your step-children. I told her not to contact me again until she was ready to have a mature relationship with me. I raised her since she was 9 and we were very close until college. It seemed to have fallen apart and was just irreparable. Unfortunately, my DH did not support me either. I was out there on my own. Trying to be happy with my own BC. I told her I would never close the door, but if she wanted to come back through it, it was up to her, but on my terms. My DH continued to have a relationship with her, but it was strained After about 4 years, she did come back to me. She wrote me a note and told me that she didn't know what happened all those years ago but she just wanted to put them behind her and move on. I took her at her word and we slowly developed a relationship again. I think it could be good, but whenever her father is in the picture, it's very strained. I can have a relationship with him, and I can have one with her, but not with them together. It's too hard. Also, now her brother, my ss20, is living off of her because we refused to let him live and sponge off of us, and now I feel as though that is going to ruin our relationship again. But, I just cannot be bogged down with their drama anymore. I have my own life. Good luck! You are most def NOT alone.

Be like a duck: Above the surface, look composed and unruffled. Below the surface, paddle like hell!

Theresa's picture

I've read advice telling

I've read advice telling S-parents not to try to be "the" parent. My problem is opposite, boundaries with the Adult S-children. Bare with me while I offer a little background info that will set up the family dynamics I walked into.

First, two of the adult children (now 26 and 28) are my husband's step children from his last marriage. I did not know about them until we had been together for one year. Second, the youngest was age 10 when we got together. Though most of the past ten years we have lived virtually next door, my husband was still held to a strict "pick him up at 5 on Fri drop him off by 5 on Sunday Schedule." The oldest was 30 when we met, and had been estranged from his father for two years already.

First mistake I made, taking on the issue of getting dad and oldest back together. Husband had told me that the only time this son had ever showed up for years was money, leave it alone. I got involved, he ended up moving in for a couple of months, I thought to help him get on his feet, but hubby was right. All he wanted was money,not family, he set around the house and had issues that were not good for the health of my bio son (then 10) so hubby set him up in an apt. in a city of his choice. Me, I'm the badguy, we haven't heard from him since. 5 years.

Second, think about the dynamics of living next door yet being held to such a strict schedule of visitation. Yet the SS told me each visit he wanted to move it with dad. When SS was 12 dad spent $3500 to gain custody, and ultimately SS told judge he did not want to live with dad. Mom had told him he would not be seeing his 3 new bb bros if he did. I have never been able to build a close relationship with him, but always tried to be kind and considerate. He basically cut us off, talks to dad on phone daily, but rarely seen him though he still lives next door. 2 years. (He is now 20 years old.)

Weirdest of all - the two adult Hubby's SS (yes he raised them, yes he thinks of them as his own, I am cool with this, he is their Dad,) but that does not make me their Mom. When I met my husband he rarely had contact with either. I made several efforts in the early years to invite them for casual family functions. It appeared pretty clear to me that the interest they did have was in what their dad did or did not own, and what was their right to his property in the future. Funny thing is (not!) I am the financial provider in this home. Both were adults when I met them. Both came in as adults when they saw their dad was serious about me and asked him to adopt them. Both run either hot or cold. Both have repeatedly come into my husband and I's home berating their mother. I have refused to play the good mom, bad mom game! I was not rude about this, but would suggest that they attempt to give their mom a chance. The son comes in a year ago (after only having seen him perhaps four or five times in 9 years), wanting to call me Mom along with his young child who ran into the home calling me Grandma. Sorry, but this freaks me out a little. It made me uncomfortable. For one thing I know that soon I would be the bad guy. Sure enough, since I did not play the game, next door mom is now the "good grandma." News Flash, I am not grandma at all. Now they all hate me and blame me that they do not have a relationship with their dad.

My stance is, and has always been, Hubby has the responsibility for his relationship with his children/step children. I have all I can manage being both mother and father to my own four children (3 are adults) whose fathers have never made much effort. My children have never tried to put my hubby in the role of father, and would never do all the game playing his children have perpetrated for 10 years now!

I am done. I have let it be known that I am not here to live up to any of their expectations of me. I encourage him to have whatever relationship with them he wants, but leave me out of it. We live in a small community and they have all (including their mom) done their best to make me look ugly to everyone. I just keep my mouth shut. I don't want to play their games. I don't want to be part of their drama. I also think that the much more public notion I keep hearing from so many step parents ("oh no, they are not my step children, I love them just like my own,") is a bunch of bull for the most part. What happened to boundaries? I was very willing and looked forward to being a friend to all these children, but since I cannot meet their criteria for being a substitute "mom" I choose to just be out of the picture.

Sounds like I have it all figured out, huh? Well, I do in my mind, but my heart continues to ache often, and I really feel alienated. This is not a topic I've had success with discussion with my husband. I guess I just have to come to terms with what I have personally decided, and give up on the fact that anyone involved will ever understand my side (including the community).

I really could use some feedback.

Theresa's picture

I just want to add also that

I just want to add also that in my experience, most of the situations where people maintain that the Schildren are just "like mine," and visa versa with the children maintaining that the SP is "just like mine," I have found that somewhere there is a bio parent that has been left out. That is not good for anyone either, unless the bio parent truly is seriously dysfunctional (ie on drugs or something.) I added "truly" and "seriously" because my experience is also that the SPs in these situations always maintain that the Bio Parent is screwed up ( good defense mechanism for them,) when they have actually aligned with the children preventing them from having the good relationship with their bio parent they deserve.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I see what you are saying

I see what you are saying there are a lot of people on the site who are saying the biological parent is screwed up, and that may or may not be true, but reading further into the situation, whilst they are complaining that the screwed up bio parent isn't helping things, for the most part I see, like myself, they are not laying the blame wholly and sholly at the feet of the bio parent - they are laying it where it belongs - at the feet of the father/husband. My thoughts are it took two parents to raise these selfish young men and women, and if the father has chosen to bring a new wife into the picture, then he has the responsibility of making sure his children treat her with respect and are at the very very least civil to her.

kassie's picture

Hello Everyone I am new to

Hello Everyone I am new to this site.

I am having troubles making a decision with my problems. My husband and I have been together for three years now. I have three kids of my own who just adore him. His children who are 23 and 25 do not feel the same way. They do not speak to me or even acknowlege that I am here. They wont even call the house to speak with there father they call his cell phone as they do not want me to answer.Well the problems are getting worse and worse in the beginning they would invite there father out to dinner and coffee, but was told not to bring me. This has never changed any over the years. My husband goes even though it cause grief. He keeps saying they will change and ignores the subject. Well things are at there worst now. His son has just had a baby his first grandson, he went to the hospital to see the baby. He asked son if he could bring me to see the baby and was politely told by his daughter that he had to choose between them or me. Now he will not speak to me or anything. I am so confused do I let him go and be with his kids or do I try and tough it out hoping things will get better? He keeps saying to give them a chance and they will change, which hasen't happened yet. Now he tells me that he will no longer try to get them to get along with me or except me as he feels if he ignores the situation it will go away. I am so confused and am at the point where I don't care if he stays or goes anymore as it is always a fight anymore.

ybarra357's picture

I hear you. Your DH probably

I hear you. Your DH probably makes excuses for his kids on a consistent basis. My own DH did the same thing with his adult daughter. And it worked - for a while. Until I stepped up and confronted her fat ass. Anyway different story.

Just because DH has discarded his sack, don't let him be the one who decides who to 'choose'. YOU choose. Leave this loser! Not trying to come across as being harsh, but you deserve to be treated like the wife, not his kids.

emotionaly beat up's picture

My husband like yours has

My husband like yours has ignored it, and said it would change, 8 years later it has not changed, and it is not going to. These SK are not kids at all, they are grown men and women and have the right to make up their own minds. If they choose to dislike us, that is their right, but they do not have the right to be rude to us, and their fathers will not tell them even something as simple as that. I am so very sorry for you, but if you read all the stories here it seems we are all living the same life, and it will not change unless you make the change. My children all adore my husband, and now my grandchildren have fallen in love with him and yet he still accepts crap for himself and for me from his children..............8 years and I am ready for walking out. Don't worry about the three years you have invested into the relationship, because like me you will turn around one day and find 8 or 10 years have gone by and you have been miserable for most of that time. Talk to your husband, and if he wants to go, let him go, it is a shame but they have raised selfish children who would rather see their fathers dead than happy in most cases, but we do not have to live with it. So lay your cards on the table, and see what happens, having said that, I have only just laid my cards down, and yes, I am worried about the marriage ending because of it, but I think I would rather that than go on living with the hatred of his three kids, and a husband who allows them to treat me with such disrespect. Best of wishes to you. Sincerely hope it all works out.

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Amen! DH comes from the MOST

Amen! DH comes from the MOST enabling bunch of people I've ever met. No matter what any of them does, there's an excuse for it. I finally got to the point with the Skadults that I just gave up. It's beyond my scope of reality to even try to deal with them. He can defend them all he wants. I am not their mother, so I see them as society sees them, not as DH sees them. One of these days he'll get a reality check....sigh....

puddles's picture

Your post has really been

Your post has really been about my marriage of 23 years. I was 19 when I got married and have raised my stepkids since they were nine and six. Their mother despised me from day one. I can almost understand where she is coming from, when another woman comes into the picture and she thinks you will try to take her place as her children's mother. But I was never given a chance to show that all I wanted was to be their friend and support them. My husband and I were put through living hell because of her jealousy and with her working for the police department and her connections within the county and high society, we never had a moments peace until the children turned eighteen. We went through several custody battles, constant visits from the Children's social service, and nosey neighbors who later I found out were her friends. I can almost say we are in heaven now and allowed to live our own life without having it put under a microscope everyday.

She was a horrible mother who worked at night and left her children alone without a sitter. We could never say anything because of the consequences. I still have a lot of hate built up for what we went through and all that I gave up to be married to my husband. And I'm disgusted for all that I did to make sure they kept up with their mother's birthday, teaching the kids to grow up and rely on each other and they won't even call their father on Father's day or his birthday. All he ever gets is a mention on Facebook, which he never is on, or a text on his phone for Christmas. Their mother remarried into money and I believe that is why we never hear anything...because we don't give money out to buy their affection.

Yes, I can relate to your problem and then some. I can't give you advice but I can tell you that I have learned to live my own life and try not to think about what they think of me and all of the horrible nightmares we went through to try and keep them in a normal childhood. If I have to be around them for a family function, I put on my plastic face and pretend nothing is wrong for the sake of my father-in-law. He isn't feeling well and I don't want him passing knowing there are family problems. My husband knows how I feel and yes he is surprised that I stayed around after all that we went through. If I were to give you advice, the only thing I could tell you is be honest with your spouse and let him know how you feel. He will respect you and he may not be able to do anything to help. It is the price you pay to marry into a ready-made family. I wish you the best of luck!

tomscandy's picture

Kate's story I agree was like

Kate's story I agree was like she was telling my lifes story..I have been married to my husband for almost 17 years, and Step son is 39, and step daughter is 34, and my husband still sees them at their elemetary age...He just cant see what they are doing..But If you dont have your spouces support, its a losing war...

PoulsboLady's picture

I have a step daughter who

I have a step daughter who now is 19. I've been in her life since she has been 6 1/2 years old. The past several years she has been becoming more difficult to deal with mostly not helping out in doing her part around the house. She is a good person, goes to college, works and volunteers. Since she is busy, I try to do some things for her to take the slack off so she can focused on school. Lately, she feels she doesn't need to partake in any chores, doing the dishes or even cleaning her room, etc. Her father doesn't believe she needs to help out either. She calls at the last minute to let us know she has other plans. When she does decide to show up, all she does is eat, make a mess, play on the computer and do homework. Since her father won't support me in asking her to help out, I've become the "bad" step mom. I've had enough of the rudeness, her being lazy and going behind my back. We recently had an argument and I told her, if she doesn't want to help with anything when she is here, then to make arrangement to see her dad elsewhere. Since then, she hasn't been over and then she just shows up and says, I need to talk with my dad. I feel disrespected and not sure what else to do.

witsend71's picture

Wow, you've had a lot of

Wow, you've had a lot of responses. You aren't going to get their love or respect. You can't keep them away from their dad. You can leave when they come over. You can ask your DH to meet them elsewhere everyother time so that you don't have to vacate. Maybe when they have kids things will get better. Kids are selfish and oblivious. Maybe one day our culture will change to allow for friendships between blended families...until then we're stuck with bitching on steptalk. Going to a counselor that specializes in the pitfalls of blended families might help. At least you'll get your thoughts out. DH can't change his kids. He could have a talk with them about making more of an effort around you. I was always nice to my SM. I knew that she was a better parent than my dad was.


tomscandy's picture

Wow, I cant believe there are

Wow, I cant believe there are so many of us..I have even contenplated divorce.I cant deal with them anymore..I have had 2 heart attacks, and Cancer x2, with a kidney and rib removed...But not feeling up to battle is not enough to even get my husband to stand with me..He said I just hate his kids, and dont want them around..it may be like that now, but for yrs. I took their rudeness, and mental abuse , but I'm done...just cant take it anymore...My heart breaks to know that there are so many, and just not enough help to deal with this problem, and it is a life changing, life altering problem...I am praying for all of you...

AVR1962's picture

You've got alot of great

You've got alot of great responses here and I hope you feel some confirmation for your thoughts and feelings. I too am a stepmom of 2 boys ages 27 & 29, have been their stepmom for 25 years, husband had custody of his sons, bio mom saw the boys once a year for about 4-5 weeks (and not every year)....she walked out of their lives when the boys were 2 & 4, if you can even imagine.

The oldest boy had a deep attachment to his mother and yearned for her call, a letter, anything from her and it never came. The younger boy wanted all of his dad's attention and would have crying fits over the littlest of situation to get his dad's attention. They both were thrilled with me and my kids, we had all kinds of fun for the first 2 years. the minute we told the kid we were getting married things changed. My girls thought it was great but the boys did not and it never got better.

The boys now have no relationship with their father or I. After several hate letters (emails) from the younger boy in the past year I finally had to disconnect completely. I decided I needed to get counseling to help me understand what had happened thru the years as ALOT of blame had landed in my lap, and all the while I really was trying. Counselor told me that she felt bio mom wanted all of the attention and could not share the spotlight so she had to tear me, the girls and their father down to make herself look good. The boys had already experienced her walk-out and knew all too well she was capable of it again and have never been able to risk that loss in their lives. Counselor said i could have been Mother Theresa and this would have happened.....nothing I did or didn't do, said or didn't say was good enough. The boys refused to accept me, were encouraged to hate by their bio mom, and I was the perfect target for all their hurt. My inlaws undermined my position as the main parent to these boys and stepped in when they would not have with the bio parents which again was detrimental to the relationship.

Seeing it this way, I realized I never stood a chance from the start. Counselor said that the boys may never be able to see that their anger towards me was actually the hurt they were dealing with from their mother's abandonment. I have equally disconnected from my inlaws as well. I do not email with them, do not go to family functions with them, didn't attend the last 2 funerals in the family. I ahve nothing to do with any of them. Did I do it in hate? NO! but I did decide that nothing positive was ever going to come from my involvement and I chose to save my sanity instead.

I husband wanted to keep me involved for the longest time. He wanted to show a united front to his family and to his sons but it was so uncomfortable for me. When his sons started attacking him, he then realized what I had been thru and distanced himself. he will be able to forgive before I will as he loves his children dearly and should but I am finished. I focus on my children, my family minus the boys, me and my marriage.

secondtimearound62's picture

I am so happy to have

I am so happy to have stumbled on this site. I have known my skids for over 15 years and they have never treated me with anything but disrespect. Their parents were divorced long before I came on the scene. Even after their dad and I were engaged, they would ask him to go to the movies and then they would show up with their mom!

Not once have either one asked how I am, wished me happy birthday, asked about my job or anything. All they do is hang out with each other and ask their dad to do things with them. The SS is particularly rude to me. Mutters under his breath and rolls his eyes at every word I say. They are constantly wanting him to do things with them. That's nice, but how many adult children constantly want their dad to hang out with them??? I guess it makes my H feel good that his kids like him. I feel that they just want to separate him from me as much as they can.

I finally told my husband that I would not do anything at all with the SS. The SD is ok, but since she spends most of her social time with her brother, it's likely I won't be seeing her at all. I will not 'entertain' SS in my home again. Family dinners at holidays just will not happen any more, especially at MY home. My H can go see them at their homes.

I am pretty sick of my H not supporting me - I feel for the people who have posted that their spouse says that it's their 'fault'... that I should be the adult... (obviously since the skids don't now how to be). Well, I'm done with that after all this time. It is not going to get better and the only solution is to totally disengage. H can do what he wants with them, but leave me out of it!


bakluba's picture

I am so glad i came upon

I am so glad i came upon this.... i really needed this tonight. I commented on a few comments. But thank you everyone for your insite. Not that it is a good thing..but i am so glad that there are so many ppl with thse same issues... almost the same story...

This may be helpful to some.... i havent read the whole thing... but the little i did read is helpful.... found it on step talk.. http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/13430_Chapter9.pdf

gotta keep on Smiling

AVR1962's picture

You have so described what I

You have so described what I have been dealing with for 22 years! My personal take is that both bio parents are the key to the success or failure of the stepfamily. You an outsider to the kids, you come in with welcoming arms full of hope for relationships and a door is slammed in your face because the kids feel threatened, are jealous and angry that parents are not together. The bio mom needs to give the children permission in a sense to love and accept the stepmom, same with bio da towards stepdad. Then both bio parents need to accept and support any call that stepmom or stepdad makes so there is not the running back and forth with hurt feelings that get suported when they should not. A bio parent can understand the child (even if adult) while lending support to the step parent. This is not easy but many make it harder than it should be as I think most times parents are too possesive of their children to let their child love anotehr parent equally, and the issues in the marriage between bio parents really become a roaring issue later without any resolve, all blame.

Let me give you a great example of what actually played out in our family and I think this will help you see the difference. Husband had 2 boys from previous marriage, I had 2 girls from previous marriage. Our exes had both abandoned their children and neither husband or I knew if they were coming back into the picture. We both came from intact families and we talked about the importance of trying to provide that intact home as much as we could. We told the kids they had 2 moms and 2 dads (my ex and his ex had also remarried). I gave my children permission to love their new stpmom and I tried to welcome not only my stepchildren with open arms but I did the same with my ex's new wife and my husband's ex. Ex husband's wife accepted, husband's ex did not and she made sure I knew that I ws not the mom to her boys and once she finally realized someone else was in the picture we had a fight on our hands....lies to the boys trying to get them to favor her over us, she was threatening legal action to file for custody and she made sure the boys knew. It was ugly to say the least.

The situation with my ex was not good as he too ws trying all the alienation tactics but I did not talk him down to the girls and I supported any decision for disapline his wife chose with the girls when they visited, she and I got along. Fast forward to today, 22 years later.....the boys are angry and bitter, have told us we did them wrong. The gilrs dad went thru another divorce and they now have a new lady to accept. Knowing again how important this is, I actually talked with my daughter and let her know that I have no problem with her hving a relationship with the new lady. I know who I am, I know my position in my girls' lives and I know that this new possible step mom has her arms open and it is important that my daughters be receptive. But some people just do not get that and I find it real unfortunate.

Aside from the ideal, if you are struggling with a situation like myself with my stepsons where they are being disrespectful and hateful towards you, I personally feel there is nothing you can do but back off. I ended up going to counseling after a real rough years of games and lies with one of my grown stepsons. My counselor told me that I was their scapegoat. The issues they had were with the parents and the lack of relationship with them but I ws the easy target for their blame. She told me to totally and completely disconnect and encourage my husband to deal with his sons and try to have a relationship with them himself, and that is exactly what I have done.

I feel my inlaws are angry at me and have supported the boys and now see me too as the problem but I had to let it all go. I know what has been happening inside this family and my inlaws do not. They are merely supporting their own flesh and blood. They may see me as cold and unloving which is not the case but by stepping back I have saved my sanity. That may sound really selfish to say but I was in a damned if I do, damned if I don't sitaution and the only thing I could do was back out. My husbadn was used to me taking care of emotional issues with family, including the boys, and I think this has caused us some feelings of seperation in a sense but really in all honesty it was always his respoonsible and not mine so I am just putting this back into perspective.

I hope that helps! this is not easy.

sophia123's picture

I think that the fathers are

I think that the fathers are the issue. If they stood up to these bratty kids once in a while we may get the chance to develop a relationship. I have to admit that I am ashamed that I lower myself to my step daughters level. When she is behaving in an appalling way I put it out there, by saying that is a very nasty way to behave so the whole situation escalates. My husband takes her side always. I have learnt so much from your stories, mostly that the effort to keeping hitting your head against a brick wall is fruitless. Thanks so much for that. I do try to ignore the nasty comments but she repeats them over and over to get a reaction and she is 24. when her boyfriend is with her is rarely makes trouble. Anyway I am sure I contribute as I feel so tense at the thought of her trouble making I never want to see or speak to her and relieved she lives 8 hours by plane away.
Keep strong everyone, deep down we know we are good people and our own kids and family love us.

peepalala's picture

hi , i also can understand

hi ,
i also can understand your situation better , my cousin also facing the same situation and she told me how insulted she feels some time when her step kids ignore her in public events .

Information Can Save You From Devastation

stepmom2008's picture

The original post by Kate2009

The original post by Kate2009 could have been written by me. Her experience is the exact same as mine. If you read that post, you have also read my story. However I have more info that I would like to add to my story. In Kate2009's post where it gets to the part where she asks "Are my expectations that their father should set some strong boundaries around this behaviour too much to ask?" is where I will pick up on my story.

My husbands adult children were 23, 28, and 31 when we got married three years ago. I have two biological adult children that were 22 and 27 when we got married.

Keep in mind,that kate2009 story is identical to mine. I'm now at the point where I referenced her comment about the childrens father setting strong boundaries around such behavior . My husband would never step up to the plate and let them know that their actions were disrespectful and unacceptable. The only thing that he would say to them was " I just want everyone to get along". That was the extent of his "so called setting boundaries".

After we had been married for four months I'd had enough of the entire situation. I told him that I loved him but I was not going to continue to put up with it and that I would be moving out soon and going back to my home that I own , where I was living before he and I married, which was 120 miles away from where we were living at his house. We had to live there because of his work , where he had been employed for 20 yrs.

I gave him a date that I planned to move out and be gone. I told him that I was not leaving him, nor did I want a divorce. I also let him know that I did not care at all if he continued to have a relationship with his children but that I would never have anything to do with them ever again. This was a very destructive and volatile situation. Everyday was some form of explosive encounters with, or regarding his children. For my own sanity, I told him I had to leave.

I reminded him that this was for my own peace of mind and that I would not live the remainder of my life in such a horrible situation. I had already been through enough heartbreaking devastation in my life the past 5 yrs and that I would not allow myself to live in constant controversy with his children.

I never gave him any ultimatum about choosing me or his kids. I did let him know that he was welcome to move with me if he chose to do so, or else he could remain in " hell " with the current situation. He chose to leave and fortunately he was able to get a job transfer with the company that he worked for , into the city where I previously lived and was moving back to.

I encouraged him to remain in contact and communication with his adult children as I knew he loved them, and I would never ask him to put them out of his life, however I let him know to leave me out of it entirely. We did move to my home and he made attempts at staying connected with his children. Because he had chosen to move from his original home ( in the same city where his children live) into my home 2 hours away.. they accused me of "taking" their father away from them. Keep in mind these are grown ups. His children have now decided that they do not have a father and that in their minds he is " dead " All because of ME. Those were their words to him... the last time they spoke, they said you are no longer our dad and you are " dead " and GoodBye. This is very disturbing to me that they could do this to him all because of me. Even more disturbing is to hear someone say such a thing, after having lost my first husband to a sudden death from cardiac arrest and that my biological adult children would never see their father again. I just couldn't then and can't now figure out how my step children now consider their father "dead".

As for myself I no longer care that they hate me, nor do I have any desire to make any attempts to have them a part of my life. My husband knows that his children are not welcome in my home, which is now our home, but I would not have them in my home ever, but that he was free to go visit them at any point in time that he chose to , outside our home. But it doesn't matter now, because to them ,he no longer exists. I see that this hurts him deeply that his children will not talk to him and consider him dead and gone.

On a good note... my two adult children were totally open, warm, accepting and respectful of my new husband. Even after losing their own father to sudden death when they were ages 17 and 22... they were still open to me finding someone new to spend my life with. There has never been one unkind or disrespectful word between my children and my husband. They even call him dad and are more like children to him than his own biological children.

I guess the biggest issue , once again , is that I see how hurt my husband is over his children never wanting to have anything to do with him in this life , ever again ! Yes he and I have had some rough battles over that horrible situation we were in with his children and the meddlesome ex wife of his. We have come to terms and made our peace with everything and continue to live a happy life and marriage. The only bad thing now is the anguish and hurt he feels with being considered no longer living according to his own kids. Its a bit difficult when people ask him if he has children and where they live, whether he has grandchildren , etc.... and he has a pained hurt look on his face as though he doesn't know what to say.

He does have grandchildren, ages 12, 10 and 2.. and has never even been allowed to see the 2 yr old and will never see the other two again, unless, when they are adults , they chose to make contact with him.

Sorry this became such a long post to this thread... I get started sometimes and don't know when to stop, but I wanted you all to know more of the story. If anyone has comments, or thoughts, or questions, please feel free to ask..

bakluba's picture

My life... like yours

My life... like yours stepmom2008, is identical to Kate2009. I am new to this site and found all this interesting. I do plan to disengage as soon as i can... one, actually three, things in the way... my sd children whom we have been caregivers for about 10 months now.

I really had a hard time understanding how she could HATE me so bad but have no problem with me having her kids all but 2 hours on thursdays... whe she gets a visit... and 5 hours on sundays when bm has them for visits. I care 99% for them... dh is the fun one for about 1-2 hrs after he get home from work. I now understand where she is coming from... I was talking to the supervisor of CPS and i ask him why?... he replied.." i really do not care for my mother in law at all but she can take my kids anytime". Oh great now she really gets to use me... and i bet she is lovin' it.

Besides the fact that she has been disrespectful since day 1... since i met her about 9 years ago... sd25... she now tells her small children nasty things, even though i am taking care of them... They told me the other day that their mom told them a secret "Mommy said u have a big fat hugh butt" they knew it is mean to say that.. we teach them not to say things like that even if it is true... oh, and i am a stupid witch too. I tell them, i love their mommy anyway... (i wonder if they can tell i am soooo lying) and yeah my butt is big.. gained weight while i was in nursing school from aug. 09- aug 10. i do not take care of myself.... i am depressed over all things that have taken place and my dh says nothing.... he to just wants everyone to get along.... well he knows that no matter what i would do... (if caring for her children so they didnt get split into diffrent homes cause no one had room for 3 kids) she will never like me... and she out right tells him that. He has never once stood up for me.... i really despise him... i was thinking about leaving him once these kids go home.... ppl talk about disengagement but i can not see me doing that.... why should he have to live 2 seperate lives for her satisfaction...

i really think if he would stand up for me one of these times 1 of 2 things would happen..... sd (and he also needs to stand up to bm) she would be shocked that he had the nerve and actually listen to him.... or she would tell him to go to you know where... i'd bet on the 2nd outcome but then.... it would then somehow be my fault like always.... I am at the end of my rope in all this... but cannot even think about ending right now.... because of these kids.....

we own our home together ...we built it with our hands... everything in here... i bought new... when we built it.. and some things i had for years..... he came into our relationship with nothing... ex got it all even though she was the cheater.... oh well, gave it to her just to get away... got some money and bought this land cheap.... then our good credit and pay checks together paid for it almost all with out much of a loan... sd feels this should be hers and she should be able to come anytime... not a chance..... she disrespected me one toooo many times and the last was in my home... so she is to never return... is that fair to do that since it is his home too??? (she is a thief too)

i do not care if he has a relationship with her or not... I just want him to say something.... anything... I feel so disrespectd by him... her disrespect doesnt even bother me anymore... but his eats at me... any suggestions.... HELP!!!

good to hear your dh followed u.... too bad his kids cut him off completly.... we r pretty sure that is the same thing that will happen to us... it was tear us up... we love these kids...sooooooooo much.... this family is really messed up... not an ounce of respect for each other.. but dont upset one (even if u dont mean too) cause the whole clan will be after u. thanks every one...... this site is so helpful....

gotta keep on Smiling

stepmom2008's picture

I had the same problem

I had the same problem Bakluba with the fact that if one of them got mad about me about something... then the whole crew of his kids got mad. They would then run to their mom, raising hell about it. Then she would end up calling and jumping on my husband. This was a regular routine.

Anything at all that came out of my mouth during a normal conversation with any of the step kids, they always took some exception to it. Things were always twisted around by them and then they would go make up some type of lie to the rest of the family , who in turn whined and moaned to their mom. I am almost 54 years old and you know I had never had anyone in my life, tell me to my face that they hated me until the step kids. They are all dirty rotten scoundrels ! I came into my husbands life way after he and his wife split. I was not a party to any thing that broke them apart. I didn't even know my husband at that point in time. His wife is the one that cheated, lied, and got pregnant with another mans baby.. and then left to go to that man. Everything happened long before I came along. His three kids claim they would never want their parents back together because it was always an arguments and much unhappiness. So I have never been told exactly what they have against me or why.

I had been threatened by them, called every possible dirty name in the book, and looked at as a total outsider. I never tried to be a second mom, nor did i try to be their best friend. I came into the family only expecting respect and hopefully they would like me. I never tried to keep their dad from seeing them or talking to them or from having any type of relationship with them..They all seemed jealous that he didn't have all the time in the world any longer to be at their "beckon call". You would think grownup children would realize that their father has to have a life too... and when he got married again, that yes there is another person added to the family that will get a portion of his time.

But as I said in my other post, I am done with them. I no longer have to deal with any of it other than my husbands hurt that they consider him dead. I think he is somewhat coming to terms with it, but its been a while coming. I'm glad I found this site even though I am no longer having the constant problems with the, it still helps me to talk about it and actually be able to tell others that are going thru the same thing that I have. ANd to listen to the problems that others are having and if I can be of any help with telling my story.

stepmom2008's picture

oops some how I had a reply

oops some how I had a reply posted twice of the same thing Puzzled ! But the second one is gone now. It wouldnt let me totally deleted the second one ,so I had to remove all the text from the second one and just put this in here... Gosh if there was a way to delete a post i would have just deleted the entire second one. Puzzled

emotionaly beat up's picture

Bakluba, the disrespect from

Bakluba, the disrespect from my adult sk has never been the major issue for me, it has always been the fact that my husband has done nothing about it. That hurt more than anything ever could. I would stick up for my husband to anyone (and have), no matter what, meanwhile he sits back and says, she didn't mean it that way, I didn't hear her, see her, do that, you're too sensitive, once I caught her out on a major lie, and my husband's response " everyone lies". Letting these men and women wreck our marriages and sitting back waiting for the axe to fall shouldn't be an option for us. I have only in the last 3 weeks taken a stance and forbidden the daughter to come back to my home even though it is jointly owned by my husband and myself, and yes I think that is fair. Certainly it is legally acceptable here as I have spoken to the police about this problem, and not only do I have the right to ban her, I also have the right to take an itervention order for mental anguish against her. May I just put something forward for you to think about. You say you are staying for the sake of her kids, do you think that is wise, clearly these kids are being affected by this as she is saying bad things about you and that does mental harm to young kids, also you are making it easy for her to keep this going. Why not give some thought to saying - no respect, no child minding. Perhaps the thought of these kids being sent in care may make your husband grow some balls and stand up for you. Everybody will use the doormat if you lay it out for them.............stop being their doormat. Life without abuse should be our right but it appears as stepmothers society automatically assumes we are all wicked and don'd deserve anything but abuse from these adult men and women, I think we should all, in our own time, think about standing up to them and saying no more - the worst that can happen is the marriage will end, but surely life on our own is preferably to a life of being abused. These children are ultimately not your responsibility, and Iunderstand you love them, but are you harming them in the long run by leaving them in a situation where their mother is twisting their minds over you. For the sake of the little ones I hope something in your situation changes very soon, but I think I can say with confidence - you will have to be the one to change it. I have been married for 10 years, putting up with my husbands adult daughter and sons for 8 of them, and as much as I am sad I had to tell them no more you are not welcome here, to be honest inside I feel relief, I no longer has to worry about the next visit, and I think from here I can start to heal myself, my husband has now I(because I took the step of banning his children from the house), been put in the position of having to decide if he wants a wife or his kids - this unfortunate situation for him, is a direct result of his children's actions, and to be honest I think it is a good thing because we now have change, the situation as it was for 10 years was not healthy for any of us, so he either works or our marriage or goes with his kids. I love him, but I won't put up with his or their disrespect anymore. Good Luck to you.

AVR1962's picture

Good for you! I so

Good for you! I so understand. I actually raised my stepsons. They were 5 & 7 when husband and I met 22 years ago. Their mom had abandoned them and was not intrested in them in the slightest until she learned I ws in the picture, about a year into the relationship and then it went downhill. Logic tells me that if your children are being raised by another person, you want to trya nd get along and work with this person to insure proper care for your children. Not with BM. The damage she reaped was awful. In the end when I drew my boundaries as you did I was tugged back and forth emotionally and got sucked in several more times before I finally said "no more."

My husband wanted peace also until the kids started attacking him and then he drew his boundaries also. I have no doubt that I have been blamed for poisoning their dad's mind and I know my inlaws will support that. However, none of them have anyway to comprehend what I have dealt with and until they go thru what I endured they have no way of knowing. None of them sat down and asked me how I felt, how I was doing.....no one cared. I was tool, I was a scapegoat and as long as I sat in that position I was going to continue to be that taget for them so I removed myself.

Mindygirl1's picture

Kate 2009, I have come to

Kate 2009,

I have come to realize that my husband needs to have a healthy relationship with his kids that does not necessarily have to include me. I am in control of the level of disrespect I will tolerate from his grown children. I have to come to understand with step-children you don't have to "DO" anything. For some crazy reason you are not liked from the very beginning. My SD still wants her mother and father to get back together after 15 years of being apart. Even knowing how miserable her father was being with a woman that constantly cheated on him and then walked out on the kids when they were all teen-agers. There is no logic in that and therefore I most of us step-parents are not dealing with logic. I treat my step-children like I would a misbeahing 10 year old. I don't pay them any attention unless they behave.... Believe me I sleep better now that I have adopted this outlook...

emotionaly beat up's picture

Wow, how good does this page

Wow, how good does this page make me feel. Kate, you are telling my life story. 3 weeks ago I finally told my adult stepdaughter she was not welcome in my house. I did this after giving my husband the opportunity to tell her as she had arrived unannounced and unexpectedly at our front door. He of course declined and told me to do it. Once again I am the bad guy. She had turned up some 3 weeks earlier and my husband's solution to that visit was to tell me not to open the door. This woman has been in my life for almost 8 years now, and like you has gone out of her way to make me feel unwelcome in my own home. My husband's children have never used my name, no need really, because they don't speak to me. After being invited to the SD's birthday party I found myself sitting alone on the sofa, whilst everyone else including my husband had gathered round the kitchen bench, and had all been offered and given drinks, everyone except me that is. At the cutting of the cake she passed cake around until she got to my husband, gave him a slice of cake, then started going around the other way so she could avoid giving me a slice. I felt horrible sitting at the table and being treated like that, my husbands solution - to pass me his bit of cake and ask this little cow for another slice for him. He just sticks his head in the sand and pretends that it will all go away. Her fiance has told my husband and myself that she has every intention of breaking us up, and once she has done that whe would like to see us both dead. My husband's reaction to that - she wouldn't say that, he's lying. She is a blood sucking parasite, and even after my husband had been put off work after 42 years with the same industry, this girl's fiance had the cheek to ask if he had been given a pay out, when my husband said he had, his darling daughter said "Oh good, now you can buy me a boat, I've always wanted a boat". Husband thinks she didn't mean it. Anyway, far too much has been said and done by this piece of work and her smart mouth has been heard in my home once too often, she verbally abuses her father and is flat out trying to make him feel guilty for leaving her mother, even him being diagnosed with prostate cancer didn't stop her from pushing and pushing him, yet he still doesn't see it. I have given this girl every chance, and the first 3 years she was in my life I bent over backwards to make her feel welcome, however, she took my kindness for a weakness and instead of being friendly or at least civil, she just kept on dismissing me in my own home and demanding things from her father. 3 weeks ago, I had had enough and told her never to come back. Don't know where this will all end up, as my husband thinks as I am the adult here (she is almost 30), I should have given her yet another chance, I have given her chance after chance after chance, and I discussed with my husband late last year what would happen when her first child arrived (she got herself pregnant), we both agreed if she kept it up then we had to acknowledge there was no hope. Sure enough the night after the baby was born, my husband and I went along, he assured me she knew I was coming and was happy for me to come.....well, she was so happy when I approached her with gift in hand - she turned her head and looked at the mattress, wouldn't even acknowledge I was in the room. At that point I was done with her and my husband was well aware of that decision, he agreed to it. He did at first stand by me (for once), until my father in law interfered, and that has led to a whole new set of problems. She put some photos of the baby in our letterbox addressed to Nono P, I saw that as being provocotive as I have three biological grandchildren and nothing has ever come to this house addressed to Nana - always Nana and Pa, he says it didn't mean anything. Yes it did, it meant what she has always maintained - she does not want me in her life, and she certainly does not want to be a part of mine, nor will she allow any child of hers to be in my life. So now the decision to keep her out has been made, and I am glad I made it, I am wondering where it will go. My husband on the surface seems fine, but I know he is annoyed, so the cards could still fall against me here, and I still feel under pressure. However, I honestly believe that my husband had 8 years to shut this girls smart mouth, and did nothing, so he's missed the boat and that is his own doing. I have told him time and time again to pull her into line and he has time and time again failed to do so. I cannot for the life of me figure out why these father's all seem to be so weak, my own father would never have allowed this kind of nonsense from any of his three daughters. Anyway Kate, I don't think there is a solution, these SK are adults, they have made up their minds, and right or wrong they are sticking to it. If we want change here I think we are the ones who are going to have to make it happen. I have taken the first step by banning her from my home, and if my husband does not settle down with that decision, then I will end the marriage as I cannot live with the hatred spewed out by his daughter towards him and myself, and I cannot stand the fact that all 3 of his children two older boys and the princess, can come into my home and with no embarrasment whatsoever, pretend I am not in the room. If I offer drinks, they ignore me, the girls fiance will then repeat the question to her, she will tell him yes or no and he will turn around and give me the answer...........WTF is that. Sick to the back teeth with the whole damn lot of them. So,very, very sorry for the ranting guys, but it sure feels good to get some of this black stuff out from inside of me. Good Luck to each and every one of you, I hope you make decisions that are right for you, and in the end obtain some happiness, life is far to short for this nonsense to be going on in our lives Smiling

StepAside's picture

"she took my kindness for a

"she took my kindness for a weakness and instead of being friendly or at least civil, she just kept on dismissing me in my own home and demanding things from her father."

Kindness equaled doormat. I know exactly what you mean. In hindsight, I wish I had chosen to be seen as a cold bitch who didn't put up with disrespect. Would have been a much better choice than being seen as the patsy my SD's have thought they could treat me as. I was too caught up in trying to win them over. Futile.

"he assured me she knew I was coming and was happy for me to come.....well, she was so happy when I approached her with gift in hand - she turned her head and looked at the mattress, wouldn't even acknowledge I was in the room."

I can't count the number of times I've fallen for this trap. "They said they are ready to men fences this time.", "We had a long talk about building bridges.", "They said they promise to be civil." And like you, I've had them pretend I wasn't even in the room, and had a whole room of their relatives not say a word to them. Everybody was in on the joke. Real nice. Like hell if that will ever happen again. I'll be on my way out the front door, and taking somebody's scalp with me.

"At that point I was done with her and my husband was well aware of that decision, he agreed to it."

Mine did too. When I finally said no more, my DH said he was embarrassed at how his family behaves toward me, that I never deserved it, and he begged me to forgive him. He said he'd never pressure me to see them again, and he hasn't. Now they bitch that I have cut off his balls, because I don't come and don't bring our kids. They will NEVER take responsibility for their behavior. Everything is always my fault. I WISH I had their father's words on tape. How I'd love for them to hear him acknowledge to me how vicious, immature, horrible and hateful they have been. No, it's not just in my imagination.

"However, I honestly believe that my husband had 8 years to shut this girls smart mouth, and did nothing, so he's missed the boat and that is his own doing."

My husband had 18 years to get them to shut their mouths. And yes, I do blame mine for not standing up for me. They saw his actions as encouraging their behavior. He condoned it, so he must be on their team. He had plenty of opportunities to tell them to shut their mouths and get rid of their attitudes, or they would be going home or we would be leaving, period. Never happened. There has still never been any consequences for my SD's behaviors, never.

"I have told him time and time again to pull her into line and he has time and time again failed to do so."

Actually, our counselor said one time that my DH is incapable of standing up to the women in his family, and to give up hope that he ever will. It's a flaw he has, and he's frozen when it comes to them.

"I don't think there is a solution, these SK are adults, they have made up their minds, and right or wrong they are sticking to it. If we want change here I think we are the ones who are going to have to make it happen."

I think these types are emotionally stunted, fractured, damaged and suffer from deep insecurities. I think they are narcissists to the core. By definition, they are only capable of thinking of themselves, they drain the life out of everyone around them, they believe they are "special" and they are incapable of remorse or empathy. I think they have very low emotional IQ's, and that's not just a matter of them growing up. It's more a personality disorder. Narcissists are the most difficult personality traits to treat, because part of their condition is to get offended at the slightest hint that they are at fault, so the shrinks have to tread very carefully or their clients will walk out and never return. Got to handle these darlings with kid gloves, or else they get their fee fees hurt, and we all know the level of temper tantrums they are capable of pitching.

"I have taken the first step by banning her from my home"

Good. I have done the same. My DH has nothing to say on the matter. It's long overdue. Life is too short to have vicious, self-absorbed brats in your life who intentionally work their hardest to give you hell, EVEN if they are daughters. My OSD has said she is #1 to her daddy, #1 to her grandmother and #1 to her fiance. She believes she is #1 to every person she has a relationship with. It's why she doesn't have many friends, and the ones she does have are "sluts" and screwed in the head. Low self-esteems unite. I'm over her need to suck the air out of every room she is in. She can go be #1 somewhere else. In my marriage, I am #1.


emotionaly beat up's picture

Hi StepAside, I realise from

Hi StepAside, I realise from the signature just-a-mom that your are American, and you are possibly living in Amercia whilst I am in Australia, but is it possible we are both dealing with the same adult step-daughter, has this little piece of work spewed her hatred far across the seas. Smiling It really is amazing how we all have the same story over and over. My piece of grief also feels hat she is no:1 is everyone's life she never rang her grandfather to tell him she was pregnant, she rang him 2 weeks after the birth because her father said she should, which is intresting in itself, my husband will not let her embarass him in front of his family, but I am fair game. However, her 87 year old grandfather recently went through surgery for bowel cancer, and none of my husband's three children have rung him once to see how he is, the surgery took place at the end of June, and here we are early September. The day I said no more, you are not welcome here, she said I am going to ring my nono about this..........I told her to leave that old man out of it and not to get him to fight her battles he had enough problems to deal with right now, but I should have asked, how come you haven't rung him once since his surgery and now you want to ring him to fight your battles - damn and blast, hate it when you come up with something too late for the argument. She has her brothers, and her fiance running circles for her, because she is the little sister, and she is the fiance's princess, she is also daddy's princess, just ask her. She has sat in my home and shameless said aloud, she is a princess, she is daddy's favourite, nono's favourite, everyone loves me, I am pretty etc., etc., I can't believe she says these things without embarrasement, but she does - not normal behaviour and yes your right naricissism plays a huge role here, and perhaps it is not to strong to suggest that this young woman has crossed the line from that to being a psychopath. She is never wrong, she continually puts people down, God forbid you say anything to her about her behaviour, she even according to her fiance' tried to jump out of a moving car once, why - because they had been at our home and she had been giving myself and my husband a serve, and he didn't say anything to us, he should have abused us as well, and he needed to hate us because she did....so, let's try to jump out of a moving car to emotionally blackmail the fiance' - it worked, he is very meek and mild now she controls him beautifully. Neither she or her brothers contacted my husband last Sunday for father's day, because I said she wasn't welcome here, so she made sure the brothers took her side, God help them if they don't, so none of his children so much as sent a text msg. This of course will be all my fault. From the beginning all I ever wanted was to have peace and civility, I was happy to treat them with respect, and expected the same from them, but they came into my life from day one hating me without even knowing me and although dad wants me to give them chance after chance after chance, he funnily enough hasn't even noticed that these grown men and women haven't given me one single chance, and God forbid he should ask them to. You know I still feel sick to the stomach over all this, since I told her to bug off, my husband has been upset, he tries not to show it, but he is and it affecting his work, and I know I could make life easier for him by saying okay do what you like, but I don't want to live with him spending time with his kids, and time with me for one reason, his inability to say No to the daughter. He knows as well as I do, her plan was to get him away from me at all costs, and there is no point in trying to be generous here, she will overstep the mark, they only live 5 minutes drive from us, she will, like she has one in the past, need daddy to turn on the tap, need daddy to show her how to work the washing machine, need daddy to look at the dishwasher, need daddy to help her sweep the floor (NO ABSOLUTELY NOT JOKING WITH THAT ONE). Now she has the baby, there will be all sorts of family occassions where daddy will be welcome and the wicked step-mother will be left home alone, with no husband and no car. If I give in again, it will not be long before he is spending all his time with his daughter helping her even though she lives with her fiance and her brother (who is in his mid thirties), she will still need daddy constantly. So unfortunately that for us is not an option. God Bless Us All, he must know we need it.

StepAside's picture

I think your DH will get over

I think your DH will get over it. He was okay when his daughter was being disrespectful to you and making you feel like an outcast. He didn't take measures to stop her. So I don't think you need to feel bad for him. Focus on you, and not on him. That's what he did.

And I have one more thing to add.

Narcissistic, self-absorbed, high-maintenance, attention-demanding, self-professed "princesses" with nasty attitudes are extremely apparent to all.

I've seen types like this who weren't related to me at all. And when the SM can't show her face at functions, my assumption is that her SD is a nightmare narcissistic bitch. And that the father has no spine to stand up for what is right, and his wife.

So I suppose these princesses think they've won when their father HAS to show up to every family function, because she's a pit vipor, but to everyone else who has half a brain, I think her nasty behavior is only that much more apparent. Those types don't have good relationships with anyone because they are too self-centered.


sandye21's picture

My story is very similar to

My story is very similar to yours and I could go on and on with incidents such as being invisible, constant sideline conversations, sadistic games, being a tight-wad and treated very disrespectfully. I thought if I was nice, they would finally like me. This went on for over 20 years and HD did nothing about it. He continued to accuse me of 'Making them uncomfortable' but could never quite tell me HOW I was making them uncomfortable. Once on my birthday DH said 'Happy Birthday' but they said nothing and treated me like I was invisible. When I said, "Good morning to SD's hubby he stared at me with so much hostility! I asked DH why. He replied, "He's just trying to protect her." I asked, "From what?" DH had no answer but never had the guts to set limits for SD and hubby. Finally, when they were having one of their many sideline conversations, I asked if they would please speak up. They both came unglued, screamed and ranted, SD pushing her finger into my face, threatening. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I will not allow her around me or in my house. I am not stopping DH from visiting her whenever he wants but he will have to do it in another location. She and her hubby have done some pretty nasty things and I do not trust them in my house. It has been 8 months since I have disengaged and it has been pure heaven!

StepAside's picture

Would love to create a short

Would love to create a short film, with clips of all of our grown SD's shooting the same evil eye, of all our grown stepchildren pretending we're not in the room, of them one right after another spinning on their heel rather than greet us. Would be comical to see how they all act exactly the same and all look exactly the same.


sandye21's picture

Ya, how come they only put

Ya, how come they only put films out like 'Parent Trap' and all of that BS? I also saw one about how the SM won over her SD. Wonder who wrote THAT script! I'd like to see one that is more realistic. You know, with the vengful BM, coniving SD and wimpy DH? It WOULD be interesting to put a hidden camera in the room while SDs were visiting. Wouldn't it be fun to show it after dinner? LOL

emotionaly beat up's picture

I'd love to see that film

I'd love to see that film StepAside.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I'd love to see that film

I'd love to see that film StepAside.

emotionaly beat up's picture

My problem Ymint is my

My problem Ymint is my partner I know 100% knows exactly what his children are like, but will not acknowledge it, he constantly defends them and I know that is from pure guilt, he left his former wife when his yougest (the princess) was 19, he says he stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids - well they have thanked him nicely for that, I don't think. Anyway he still feels raw guilt, despite leaving when they were grown up, and giving over every single thing, a house with clear title, 3 cars, along with all the bits and pieces, he literally did walk out with the clothes on his back. He actually handed over 3 months wages (in full) and lived off family so they could get a good start, yet he feels guilt. I know that possessions would not have made his leaving any easier, but it could have been worse he could have demanded half of everything and they would have had dad gone, and no where to live. However back to your issue, you think your biggest mistake was to let your partner deal with his son's behaviour without getting involved, and think it you had your time over you would dealt directly with the 24 year old with his father present............Been there - Done that. Because you are absolutely right, the outcome would have still been the same, please stop feeling that had you gotten more involved it would have changed things, it would not. In fact there is a good possibility it would have only made things worse, because they step adults are not going to take any insruction from parents, the people whose gravy train they are riding, what makes you think they will take it from you. Trust me they won't. As I said I've done it heaps of times, my husband because his dear daugter got really angry at me one day for daring to have an opinion in my own home, told me I needed to take a step back when it came to his kids that he should be the one to deal with them, this was about 5 years ago and I'm still laughing at that. My response to him them was "you are exactly right, you should be the one to deal with them, and I should absolutely take a step back, they are your children and it is your place to pull them into line - So, when you man up and take some action with them, I will gladly step back, however if they continue to be rude, and insulting to you, to me or to both of us, and you continually do nothing about it, I will not take a step back. Up until 3 weeks ago, it was still me who was dealing with the crap, the day she arrived on our door step, I went into the study, told him she was here, and said, do you want to tell her she is not welcome here or do you want me to do it? Funny thing, the man who had told me I needed to step back and let him deal with his children, actually said to me YOU DO IT. That makes him still the nice guy and me the bitch. So the status quo for him and his kids stays the same, God forbid change should occur. Anyway, as soon as I had told her how it was going to be, and came back inside, my big brave husband then said, I think you could have given her another chance. Don't know how this will finally end, but end it must, but as for you please don't waste any time thinking if you had done something differently the outcome would have been different, it wouldn't have, because at the end of the day, these kids don't give a rats behind about us or our opinions, so no matter what we do, we can make them even madder at us, but they will never change for us, the people who have to change, and who have to change the way they deal with these adult children are the biiological parents, the rot starts at the top, and it only takes one parent to start the rot. In my case I think both of the parents played a huge role in spoiling these 3 immature brats, so there really is no hope of anything changing now. Their mum passed away almost two years ago, and I thought in time they might settle down, however, it just made things worse right from the beginning, they have now decided that they will avenge their poor dead mother from the grave, and guess what....daddy understands that, but the are taking their vengance out on me, and daddy is happy about that, because he thinks they love him. They have taken both parents for granted their entire lives, and treated both parents as a source of income, cars, clothes, make-up etc.,etc., etc., and not shown an ounce of gratitude or respect to either parent, now mum is gone, from a build up of fluid around her heart, which is common if you have a chest infection that goes untreated -as their mother's did, and guess what, the pricess is a nurse, Yet she left her mother go untreated for weeks, now I am the one to pay for her mother's death. I don't think so.

sandye21's picture

It's like beating your head

It's like beating your head against a wall - definitely no win. I finally got to the point where I don't care if I am thought of as a b$%ch as I don't plan on seeing SD again anyway. I know DH tries to pass himself off to SD as this poor stiff who is emotionally abused by me but that's OK too. They are going to have to deal with it. If he doesn't like ti he is free to leave but he won't because in reality, SD is not first in his life and niether am I. HE and his comforts ARE.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Hi Sandye21. I have been

Hi Sandye21. I have been thinking along the same lines for a very long time now, long before I took the step of telling his adult baby daughter to take a hike. I think my husband is here today for one reason only, he knows where his bread is buttered. He says he loves his kids, but I swear he has difficulty loving anyone, because he has given all his love to himself and there is none left to share around.

emotionaly beat up's picture

So glad he/she agreed with

So glad he/she agreed with me, that must make you feel better. We have both done the right thing by us, and we deserve peace in our own homes. These children are their parents problem, not ours and we need to put the problem where it belongs....with the parents. I have had 4 peacful weekends since throwing her out, and I now wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings (she always came around sat or sun afternoons), and I am so relaxed knowing I don't have to put up with her. Each day that passes since I told her she was never to come here again I get stronger and stronger in my resolve. Neither she or her brothers contacted my husband for father's day, shame for him, but he should have brought his children up better. I think even he caught on that because she was offended she stopped her brothers from contacting their father, too bad. What I can see now that I am beginning my journey out of the hatred and bitterness is that this little piece of work wants to run everyone's life. My husband and I have 6 children 3 mine, 3 his, and only Princess Natalie is unhappy, and because the Princess is unhappy, we are all unhappy. She would like to dictate to all of us how our lives will run. Well, she will never again come into my home and decide who goes where and when. To think that she could stop her brothers and as a direct result 2 other grandchildren from contacting their father/grandfather on father's day with no conscience whatsoever shows what a bitch she is, and how much her elder brothers are under her control. God help them, she is also ruining their lives, but she will never again interfere with mine. Enjoy the beginning of your new life, and every day they are not in it. Smiling

emotionaly beat up's picture

Ymint, I couldn't agree more,

Ymint, I couldn't agree more, the peace I feel inside is amazing, and every day that passes my resolve to be finished with the 3 step adults grows stronger and stronger. You seem to know the lovely Natalie well. But you see, she controls her brothers totally, and she doesn't have to make up stories (but she would have anyway), her brothers even though both of them are older than her, have always done what she commands. You'll probably think I am stretching the truth here (but seriously I am not). If you ask one of her brothers do they want a drink, they look to her, if you ask them a direct question, such as how are you, she will answer for them, and both these men let her do it. She moved in with her fiance almost two years ago, and now he is not allowed to answer for himself either. Stop calling me a liar YMint............ Smiling Serously, it is true. Not pick yourself up off the floor and stop laughing. When she first moved in with the boyfriend he was a nice guy, but he has been put well and truly in his place now, at her feet. He came around here one day when she was at work, and begged her father to help him get her some help, said he wouldn't marry her, or have children with her until she got some help, well, she put having children over him, but he still hasn't married her, and of course daddy refused to step in and advise her to get professional help. His request for help came after he and Natalie had left our home one afternoon, after she had been particularly mouthy, on the way home she was yelling and screaming at him for not chipping in on the abuse, she wanted him to hate us every bit as much as she did, anyway to make sure he knew she meant business and to pull him into line, she waited until they got onto a very busy intersection, and opened the car door with the pretence of jumping out. Unfortunately for planet earth he stopped her. But that little bit of emotional blackmail had its desired effect. He pulled his head in, and on every occassion he came here after that he never spoke a word to me. What a tragic life the three of them, the boyfriend and the new baby will lead given that she refuses to see she has a problem. I struggle to believe that someone like her who clearly has mental health issues, and is incapable of empathy could actually be allowed to become a nurse. Mind you, since her second year out she has parked herself in recovery and never moved out, so pretty much just takes the obs of unconcious patients, gives them a cup of tea when they wake, then sends the down to the word for the real nursing to happen. You know what, this page is the best thing I could ever have found, I feel so normal now, I love it. After years of questioning myself, looking at myself inside out, trying hard to think, did I say something to cause this, did I perhaps give a look that I didn't mean to give, did I really take her the wrong way, I now realise............t'wasnt me at all, it really was her. Thank God that I have found the strength after 8 years to stand up to this family and tell the cow to go. Step-aside made me realise that I shouldn't feel sorry for my husband because of this, as he didn't feel sorry for me. I thought that was a bit harsh for a few days, but the more I thought about it, she's right, absolutely right. I don't have to be cruel, I don't have to rub it in, but I do have to remember, he didn't give a damn about how much all of this was hurting me, and worse still, making me ill. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. Yeah, happy days are here again. Ymint, you are so right the resentment fades and peace reigns supreme I am so happy she is gone from my life. I have noticed a distinct change in my husband as well, he is starting to relax a bit more. I am sure he is upset about this, but I think he also realises it was never going to change, and on the plus side for him. I am the bitch (ONCE MORE) and appears to his children just to be one of my victims. Don't care what any of his children think about me now and that is so good. Fingers crossed for both of us actually all of us on this site that they stay away forever. In just 4 little weeks I am feeling so much better. I will never go back to that life again.

emotionaly beat up's picture

lifegoeson, I don't believe

lifegoeson, I don't believe for one second that DIVORCE causes ugly souls. I have three grown children of my own whose father I divorced when the were very young. I encouraged a relationship between them and their father, right up until their father refused to see them anymore. When that happened, I just explained that he wasn't brought up to be the affectioned type, and that having them on their own was probably very hard for him, I explained that he did love them, in his own way, and just because that was different to my way, didn't mean he didn't love them. Along with anything else I could think of to make them feel okay about themselves. Truth is, he didn't give a rats behind about them and never did. They lost contact with him for many years (his doing), and during that time I never ever allowed them to badmouth him, or to be disrepectful about him. They were brought up by myself in a loving, caring, kissing and cuddling househould, and they were taught to care about other people not just themselves. When they finally contacted him after 15 years, they went around for a vist which he agreed to. A few weeks later my eldest then 24 tried to ring him to wish him Happy Easter - guess what, he had changed his phone number, and when they went to see him. Funny thing, he doesn't want to see them now, he's a bit busy. I think the ugly souls you speak of were created long before the divorce ever came along. Possibly because mum and dad didn't think much of each other, and focused all their attention onto the offspring, therefore creating spoilt selfish brats whose souls became ugly after the divorce, not because of the divorce, but because they couldn't get everything they wanted anymore. Divorce didn't cause the problem, spoiling them, and not teaching respect is the root of the problem.
Point of this post is this. I have three physically, mentally and emotionally stable grown children who treat me, my husband, each other and other people with respect. Two have professions and the third is a fully qualified tradesman, they have never been unemployed and have always been productive members of the community - in spite of going through the divorce of their parents. If my three are okay, then I am sure there are lots and lots and lots of others out there that are okay, why, because they were not spoilt selfish brats before the divorce. It's too easy to blame divorce for the bad behaviour of people.

Mominator's picture

"Possibly because mum and dad

"Possibly because mum and dad didn't think much of each other, and focused all their attention onto the offspring, therefore creating spoilt selfish brats whose souls became ugly after the divorce, not because of the divorce, but because they couldn't get everything they wanted anymore. Divorce didn't cause the problem, spoiling them, and not teaching respect is the root of the problem."

YOU NAILED IT! That is exactly what happened with my DH and BM. They had a ZERO relationship. DH worked TWO jobs to support the family, whilest his wife spent all his hard earned cash on guess who???? Yep, the two darling step-brats!! He use to BRAG to me when we were first dating that the whole neighborhood thought his (self-entitled) darlings came from a rich family. NOOOOOO, that's the reason why you had to work TWO jobs...to support BM's spending habits......and even that wasn't enough....two years before they split, she BURIED them into bankruptcy.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Ymint and StepAside.

Ymint and StepAside. After joining this site and reading all the comments not only do I feel that I am not going insane anymore, but I have come to realise that I have very much done the right thing in banishing my husbands daughter from my home. I am left with just one question now - is it possible we have all married the same man and are dealing with the same adult step daughter.

Thank you all so much, even though we are strangers the support I have found here on this site makes me feel as though we are all the best of friends. Thank you StepAside and Ymint in particular.

sandye21's picture

It DOES make you wonder if we

It DOES make you wonder if we married the same guy and wound up with the same SD. I think the problem is we married guys from the same generation - one that thought about family values giving the skids what they didn't have. When the marriage failed they felt they failed their children. The skids used Daddy's guilt to their advantage, using it to mold Daddy instead of the other way around. The point that these skids were like that prior to the divorce rings SO true with me. I can remember when I was a young adult and ran into so many couples who made allowances when their brats were being obnoxious. I was one of the few who insisted my kids say "Please" and "Thank you". My self-absorbed SD was an only child. Her Dad contends she was not spolied. Ya, right!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Sandye21, we are definately

Sandye21, we are definately on the right track here, we obviously have married the same man and are both dealing with the same SD. My DH also maintains that his offspring were absolutely not spoiled. Saw some family snapshots at the in-laws, questioned sister-in-law about this weird dress SD was wearing (she was about 5 at the time), seems the whole family were shocked when Princess turned up at a family wedding wearing a gown that would have outshone the bride, mummy and daddy supposedly paid $500 for the dress, and the two boys got matching leather jackets. Other photos I have seen are just as worrying with expensive gowns etc., for school functions and such. None of his 3 children every got part time jobs, yet all of them got cars, all of them were on the dole, but all of them were running around town in their cars with petrol, insurance and registration paid for by guess who. Mummy never worked either. Whenver there were car accidents and there where many always with one of his children at fault - guess who paid, yep daddy. Did they have to pay it back, not on your life. When his daughter was revrsing out of a car space and hit the car behind her, she took off. Seemingly someone got her number plate and the police turned up at mummy's doorstep looking for the princess............of course she rang daddy. All of them were more annoyed that someone had taken her number plate than anything, no one in that family seemed the least bit perturbed about her hitting someone else's car and taking off.............no morals, no respect, but most importantly NO CONSEQUENCES for their actions. That is how mummy and daddy raised them, that is the way they are today, and that is why they have been told to get the hell out of my house and never come back or I will have them charged with trespass. This family is so foreign to me, I was a single mum with three kids and they all learnt to say please and thank you, they all learned that actions have consequences, and they all had part time jobs, most importantly, each and everyone of them had to save up from the part time job to buy their own card, and pay their own rego, insurance etc, and ALL THREE OF THEM DID. But, my husband still insists his children were not spoilt, and still feels the need to provide not only for them but for any offspring they produce............Yeah, okay that sounds like a plan Smiling My husband was estranged from these vegemites when we first got together, the picture he painted of them, was certainly not the reality. If I had know what his family were like, I would never have become involved with these people. He is a lovely man, but if there is a wrong way of dealing with people, sure as the sun comes up, he'll find it, and act on it.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Ymint and StepAside.

Ymint and StepAside. After joining this site and reading all the comments not only do I feel that I am not going insane anymore, but I have come to realise that I have very much done the right thing in banishing my husbands daughter from my home. I am left with just one question now - is it possible we have all married the same man and are dealing with the same adult step daughter.

Thank you all so much, even though we are strangers the support I have found here on this site makes me feel as though we are all the best of friends. Thank you StepAside and Ymint in particular.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Thanks Ymint. I found this

Thanks Ymint. I found this site because just after I had told the cow do take a hike and not come back, I had typed into Google I hate my stepdaughter, not to find anything but just to write it down and help get it out of my system more than anything. I was shocked by what came up. I looked at this site out of interest, and found myself, well my problem I should say. It is bittersweet I guess, so many of us suffering the same experience with step families and it is 2011. You would think in this day and age step families would not be so hard as we are all supposed to be better educated, and more understanding as there are certainly a lot more of us. Perhaps we as step mums should form some sort of minority group go to the equal opportunity commission and lodge a complaint for discrimination against all of the spoilt little brats. Anway again as I have previously said, this site has been a Godsend for me, it has calmed me down, reassured me, and made me feel normal. I have a breast biopsy next week, and even that is not looming so large in my life now because that at the moment is my only problem, and I don't have the bitch, oh sorry I mean the princess to worry about. It is lovely to have other people in my life all be them virtual people Smiling, but people who fully understand why I was at my wit's end, and people who arent' blaming me for the problem. I think that now Princess Bitch is out of my life, my health problems will follow her out very soon. Hope all stays well in your life. Good Luck to all on this site suffering this emotional turmoil through no fault of our own. So many of us have tried and tried to the best of our ability for years, yet no amount of respect, understanding or generousity has changed the feelings of the spoilt people, and as so many of us have come to realise - nothing we do every will. They do not want a relationship with us, no matter how much we may have wanted it with them. Sure is nice to no longer want something I can never have. Have a good day. Bestwishes M.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well, I finally got the

Well, I finally got the courage to ban the coniving, sneaky manipulative adult step daughter from my home, and what does she do. Rings her 87 year old nono who has recently undergone surgery for bowel cancer and has remained quite ill since the op. Crying on the phone to nono about being banned from the house and daddy not seeing her. Does nono ring us, no he sides with his precious grandchild, who has seen him probably 5 times in 10 years, and hasn't spoken to him on the phone for over a year. She never rings him for his birthday, Christmas, Easter, nothing. Yet he feels sorry for her because she was crying (she does that when she can't get her own bullying way). So, now nono has told my sister-in-law that he doesn't want to see his son or myself (who has called him daily for years), and who have visited him as often as we can, but he does live a 4 hour drive away so we can't do it every weekend. Anyway, not only does he not want to see us, but he has instructed his daughter not to inform us when he dies, he doesn't want us at his funeral. Lovely. This wicked woman, has driven a wedge between my husband and his sons, my husband, myself and my father-in-law, and between myself and my husband. My peace was very short lived, three blisfull weeks, and she is back, without even seeing or hearing from her, she has again found a way to hurt her father and I, but sadly most of all, she has made her 87 year old grandfathers last days on earth miserable and alienated him from his son, his choice you could say, but if you knew this manipulting little bitch you would probably understand why this old man fell for her crap. To all you step adults out there who think this kind of behaviour is your birth right IT'S NOT. Karma will get you, and it won't be pretty, so for your own sakes GROW UP NOW AND STOP ACTING LIKE SPOILT BRATS. You may be having a ball making other people miserable right now, and feeling quite proud of yourselfs, but what you sow, you reap. So I would be damn careful about how you treat people from now on, because this childish behaviour of yours will get you back sooner than you think. One rule in life is all you need, 1 simple rule.....Treat other people the way you would like to be treated........and you idiots cannot even follow that. Grow up. Your counterpart here has just ruined the last days of an old man's life on this earth because she thinks it is her birthright to get things the way she wants them.

StepAside's picture

I'm so sorry she managed to

I'm so sorry she managed to find another way to get her digs in by manipulating your old, sick FIL. If everybody in these families would just wake up, let the stepbabies be treated and seen as adults who are fully capable of making their own choices in life, and stop allowing them to run ramshod over everybody, I believe they'd calm down once their power was yanked.

All your FIL had to do was say, "I'm sorry honey. I love you." That was it. He could have stayed out of it. But everybody is so quick to jumping to the stepbabies' sides, that they keep feeding the monster of entitlement.

3 years ago, my MIL invited everyone to her home for Christmas dinner, the weekend before Christmas. The SD's mother was in town for several weeks. The SD's had no intention on seeing any of DH's family for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or New Year's Eve. They had made it clear that they would be with their mother.

We live 4.5 hours away from MIL. We were going to come for the weekend and see Dh's family, who actually consists of more than just his three grown daughters.

The grown daughters decided that their mother should be at that dinner. Then they went so far as to say that if she wasn't welcome, that none of them would attend.

Oh myyyyyy, blackmail. Just like their mother did to us for years. And what did everybody do? They lit up the phone lines to see if I'd be okay with hanging out with their mother. Amongst themselves, they grumbled about it, but they all caved and said if that's what they had to do so that the SD's would come, they'd do it. Lastly, that left me as the only one left in question, and so I caved as well. Fortunately, BM's plane was delayed and she didn't make it anyway.

In hindsight, everybody was responsible for their own choices. In my opinion, as soon as the SD's pulled out the blackmail card, MIL should have said, "Okay dears, maybe we'll see you next year. Have a great time with your mom." Action meets consequence.

That's what would have happened in my family. But there's so much twisting and manipulating, that resentments get huge because others feel pressured to go along.

And in hindsight, I should have told my DH that he had his own choice to make. Go, knowing that he'd be spending the evening with his ex-wife and demanding daughters, or stay with his wife and kids, because we weren't going to play into that type of disrespectful, manipulative behavior.

I felt like a schmuck for agreeing to their terms. And indeed, it only continued to feed the monster of entitlement that exists to this day.

I think your 87-yr-old FIL has bigger issues to deal with than his grandbaby sucking him into her drama when he's dying. But if he wants to take on her battles, that's his choice. If he chooses to leave this earth with unresolved relations between himself and your husband and you, because he went for it, that's his choice. I really doubt that's going to be pleasant for him, or for you and your DH.

But again, that is HIS choice. You have to let others own the responsibility for making their own choices. When you do things you don't feel right about, in an attempt to change their choices, you give them power.

And I agree, these meglomaniac egos our grown, entitled step"children" have will indeed be met with karma some day. Whether that's in divorce court, fallout with family members who are sick of meeting their demands, or friends who walk because they've simply had enough... relationships under these conditions are doomed.


emotionaly beat up's picture

Thanks StepAside. I have

Thanks StepAside. I have been tearing myself up a bit over this the last few days, and am pretty angry for getting myself worked up over it once again. Particularly as I have a breast biopsy on Monday morning (confident that it is only cysts), but I think it's only natural for something in the back of your mind to just niggle away there with these sort of things. Anyway, that aside hindsight is a wonderful thing, and you are right you probably should have put your foot down and gave your husband the choice of dinner with the ex and the parasites or dinner with you and the kids, ah! but if only we could have hindsight before the event. Smiling You said you felt like a schmuck for agreeing to their terms, and that is exactly what I have felt like with the Princess Bitch (sorry), for 8 years now, and to be honest I had just made up my mind last night about how I truly felt about all of this and your reply has been really helpful because it confirmed what my mind and heart had already known, if FIL wants to jump in here and take the side of his darling grandaughter who has had nothing to do with him for 10 years, and he chose to not even make a phone call to us getting our opinion (because grandaughter asked not to talk to dad. Obviously she didn't wand grandaddy to know the things she had been doing or saying). Then that is his choice, and whether he be 87, or 107 or 27 doesn't really matter, he made the choice to side with her facts unknown and to ban his only son and myself from his funeral. Whatever this little piece of work said who knows, but to ban his son from the funeral is gut wrenching to us, but typical behaviour from many european parents, doesn't really take much to cut family members off. Yet they all go around making such a fuss about "family" whilst at the same time sweeping the family secrets off the side of a cliff. Anyway, dad has made his choice and dad can live with it and take it to his grave if he so choses, my husband still wants us to go up there this week and I have agreed, but for the first time ever I will go up there with an entirely different point of view on this family, and I will be myself, not what they want me to be. Usually after driving four hours to visit, FIL will come out the house as we are parking in the driveway, as soon as my car door is open, he is standing there saying Margaret, what will we have for lunch/dinner, depending on the time we arrive, and I always oblige. I do his washing ironing cleaning etc., while we are there. Not this time, no matter what the outcome of this visit, the damage has been done, I will never forget he banned us from his funeral, and just to make sure we get the message he has apparently changed his will in the last few weeks - just an added little punishment. He thinks that will be the thing that hurts the most, but nothing could be further from the truth, being banned from a funeral is so hurtful to me, nothing else could be more offensive, and quite frankly he can ram his will right up where the sun don't shine. But I will never, never ever, understand why people do not see through these step adults and see them for what they are, he doesn't seem to notice that she has only come out of the woodwork since he got sick in June, and then she only rang him once before he went into hospital, she hasn't rung him since until last week to suck him into the drama, why can he not see the closer he gets to the grave, the closer she gets to him. I know who I be banning from the funeral and the will. I thought it was strange when she rang my husband early this week for the first time since I told her to beat it. Even stranger she didn't according to him even bring up anything about being told not to come back here, he said she was just talking about the baby, mind you when I asked him if he had said anything to her about being told never to come back here, he said, no she didn't mention it so I didn't either (this is a family of nutters me thinks), but I am guessing now with my hindsight that as she had told grandaddy or grandsucker perhaps more aptly, not to tell daddy what she had been saying, I think she was just putting out feelers to see how loyal FIL had been to her. Now she knows he has kept her secrets this will increase her power or at least that is what she thinks. I wil be letting out a few secrets of my own next week when we go up there. StepAside, right now I think that whole damn family can go to hell, is that too awful of me to be feeling this way. I wish I could be more gracious, but I just don't seem to have the compassion in me for them anymore. Thanks for your reply it did help. Smiling

emotionaly beat up's picture

Visit to FIL over, step

Visit to FIL over, step daughter not mentioned FIL law cool to both my husband and myself, a lot talk in Italian that I could not understand, but judging by my husbands demenour nothing said about his charming daughter and I would have been made well and truly aware of it I'm sure if that had been the case. So, it would appear from what sister in law says all three of my husbands children will be going up to see him this month. Seems FIL is blissfully unaware that these three now want to be close to him. SIL says the closer he gets to the grave the closer my husbands three try to get to him. Seems both my husbands sisters are well aware of the manipulation these three are capable of. How odd that SD seems to have surrounded herself with males willing to do her bidding and that females give her a wide berth. What a shame for her newborn that this woman doesn't are about anyone or anything. I have been convinced since she became "accidently" pregnant that this "deliberate" pregnancy was her desperate bid to come between me and daddy. I truly a sorry for that new born baby.

Clairecpa's picture

Practically every post here

Practically every post here has struck a chord with me. I've found it extremely difficult to find much of anything that relates to ADULT skids. Seeing so much here that mirrors what I've been dealing with is amazing & helpful. Thank you all.

I am already at the point of disengaging, but that disengagement also includes my DH. I have 2 sets of skids. Those from his first marriage are fine. It's the 2nd set and his clingy, needy, toxic ex that are my problem. DH's first marriage had problems, but it lasted 14 yrs & 2 children (boys -last one at the end of marriage, to 'save' it Sad ). He divorced 1st wife for #2. He and #2 had almost 20 yr marriage and 2 children (boy/girl). She divorced DH (their youngest, the princess, had just finished jr yr of high school) for another relationship. DH and I got together and married 1-1/2 yrs later. #2 got dumped by her married 'relationship' shortly after she & DH's divorce and (except for a brief respite when she had another b/f) she has been a royal pain ever since, both financially & emotionally, and their 2 kids have followed suit. My DH had plenty of opportunity to get back together with her if that's what he wanted and didn't. I thought things would be okay for us -ha, what a dope I was. I am pretty sure she is borderline personality disordered and I can definitely say she has made a chump out of my DH and he's clueless. She gets off on conniving more money from him that he's had to borrow or take out of his retirement funds. His finances are a shambles due to divorce and her and both their entitled kids. The princess SD does get the lion's share, but the BPD-ex is not far behind. I found quickly I get no voice in financial decisions (his earnings) -none of my business.... I support myself financially for all my personal needs, contribute to 'ours', cooked & cleaned myself blue in the face for 6 years of pool & other parties for his brats & friends & family at our/his house, shopped my butt off (& paid)for gifts for them (I've never received anything from them), and have bent over backwards to be nice regardless of what they pulled, but that's going to stop. Both kids are married now (24 & 27), but not off the dole. The princess has gotten luxury travel trips, attended a horribly expensive private college & now a god-awful expensive private law school & personal expenses (surely her husband could foot some of those & their mortgage?) that DH can't afford either, but insists he's going to pay for all somehow. Got a huge mortgage on our/his house too, courtesy of the divorce (yep, I am living in 'their' house & he doesn't want to change anything -it's horrible). He's paid all expenses for the kids by himself -no contribution from the ex and no college funds for either of them. There's lots more, but this is too long as it is. -sorry:)

My biggest issue is the emotional non-suport from my DH, his selfishness for himself and his last 2 kids, and his inability to set boundaries for the ex. I'm not a bio mom and married for the first time extremely late in life, so that probably doesn't help. Perhaps it is a 'guilt' thing for him, but he bends over backwards for these last 2 skids ('real' family) and I'm left hung out to dry. Of course there have been the invitations where I stupidly found I was not expected or welcome -too late-, as well as downright rude & obnoxious behavior in our home. I know he's aware of it -he just ignores it and has actually participated in it -if his kids are around everyone else is ignored. It's embarrassing and, at times, has been downright humiliating. He has even made get-together plans with them that just plain exclude me (that have even occasionally included the ex-wife!). Maybe the d-a thinks he is sparing me while satisfying his fatherly duties, but I am so utterly hurt by his actions I can't see straight. He tells me every day that he loves me, but he's been a sneak about so many things (tried to hide, but I later found out) and/or given me partial information or told me stuff he's done after-the-fact.

So I'm not sure where I am right now. We've been married 6 years and things have not gotten, as he continued to assure me they would, any better. If I divorce him I will be hurt financially, and at my (our) age that is a consideration. I can't help feeling at a loss why he married me and how he seems to expect me to tolerate what's been thrown at me. It's a damned shame I do still love him, but divorce is on my mind too frequently and, at this point, my attitude has gotten so bad he may agree it's the only solution. If it's just us we're pretty good, but the kids & ex play into things so heavily it's rarely just 'us.'

I only know I'm sick & tired & outraged at being given so little consideration or support and he flies off the handle if I try to talk to him about any of it. Dadblamed holidays coming up soon are starting to get me discombobulated too. And he just told me this morning 'he & kids' are having noon Thanksgiving dinner with my MIL(in a nursing home). I thought both of us were going to eat with her because we're also supposed to go to an early evening Thanksgiving at my brother's home and the timing was going to work out well. I'm guessing he's now got it worked out that I will have to take my mother (95) by myself and he will drive himself so he can leave early. He has told me he's had enough in-laws & doesn't want anymore -so I'm left on my own for my family get-togethers unless we have them at our house. Basically, I guess he's not much of a husband period. Have toyed with the idea of counseling, but it's kind of scary to me and I don't know how to even start looking into it. Anyone else had experience with it. Could it help me?

Thanks for listening to my venting and thanks again for all the posts on this subject. I am not ALONE!

sandye21's picture

If DH will not go to

If DH will not go to counselling you need to go on your own. You deserve better treatment from your husband. He is riding 'roughshod' over you and you are so battered down you can not see you have the right to be respected as a human being. Why do I know? Because I was in your shoes for over 20 years before I put a stop to it. I stayed with DH for way too long because I thought I would be losing a lot of money if we got a divorce but it finally got to the point where I thought it would be worth it. I went to a therapist by myself and she assured me that I deserved respect I was not getting. I was not over-reacting and it was not my imagination - SD was blaming me for her parents divorce and I had nothing to do with it. She was sadistic and mean. When DH got wind that I was contemplating divorce he was 'suddenly' willing to talk and said, "No one should be treated like that in their own home." It's been almost a year since we've seen SD and I can see he is wavering some, almost defending her rudness to me but now I am MUCH stronger. If it means he leaves, so be it but I will never again allow anyone into my home who is disrespectful of me.

ybarra357's picture

I’m so sorry that you’ve been

I’m so sorry that you’ve been pretty much regulated to doormat status.

Yeah, your DH is being downright dickish. I would seriously consider counseling for yourself. You don’t deserve this abhorrent treatment.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Hi Kate another one with

Hi Kate another one with adult stepkids. I put up with the exactly the same crap as you did for 8 years. However I do not for one second blame the stepkids I blame my husband fair and square. He sat there and did nothing, absolutely nothing about their rude ignorant behaviour, he should have been ashamed of them and ashamed of himself. They made me unwelcome in their homes, but worse, they made me unwelcome in mine. They would come here with their vodka drinks, offer them around to each other and dad, and leave me standing there and my wonderful husband did NOTHING. So, the end result is this, because my husband failed to teach his children manners, or demand respect for his wife, I suffered the consequences of that. Now, Because he failed to do that, and I decided last August that enough was enough after yet another incident, I banned his daughter from our home, she in turn being pack leader, would not allow her brothers to come here either. Now what I see is this, they are happy they have nothing to do with me, I am thrilled to pieces that I have nothing to do with them, and my husband is miserable because he does not see his children. I am not a cruel person, but unless he himself suffers the consequences of his actions, he is never going to learn, so currently, sk are happy, I am happy, husband not so happy. Now he can fix up the mess he created or live in it. I surprisingly enough, feel sorry he is unhappy, but what can I say, too bad, so sad, he stuffed it, he can fix it. You are not alone, we are out here by the millions.

sandye21's picture

I'm in the same spot as you.

I'm in the same spot as you. My DH just sat there and did nothing while SD and her Husband were viscious and rude to me for decades, treating me like I was invisible or playing sadistic games - plus he actually blamed me for making SD incomfortable. Last year he ran out the door when SD yelled and screamed at me. Talk about feeling betrayed! I had asked that she and Hubby speak up instead on having mumbling sideline conversations while we were in the car or in same room. She came unglued. The next morning the three of them went out for the day. I know him well enough that I knew he probably tried to pass himself off as the poor, abused guy - married to a bitch. But like you, I banned SD from our home. If he wants her to come back he will have to do the right thing. This means insisting in front of me that she is to respect me as his wife, and that we are a united team. After her tirade, she may have even thought he was going to leave but he didn't, In reality HE and his comforts come first in his life. She has not called him once since that day, sent him a card for either Father's Day or his Birthday. Like you I honestly feel sorry for him. But like you said, "What can I say, too bad, so sad, he stuffed it, he can fix it."

emotionaly beat up's picture

Hi Sanye21, another woman

Hi Sanye21, another woman married to my husband, no wonder he cannot sort this mess here out, he seems to have created the same problem world wide with a few hundred wives Smiling Exactly the same attitude he is putting it out to his family that he is the poor victim in this saga, but for me he would gladly let his darling kids walk all over him, and given that you dear daughter want me dead, well I would be more than happy to do that for you, but my wife, well you see, she won't let me, so what can I do. He has also TRIED to run out the door after she got so angry with me she told me to get (you know what), gosh I wish I had the kind of guts to say to DH good idea, let's go sweetheart, not that brave I'm afraid, and not that quick either I didn't think of it till the next day.

My SD even went so far as to have a baby when she couldn't get dad away from me on her own, she is absolutely livid that he didn't leave when her baby was born, she was 101% sure he would, so I guess that's because I wouldn't let him. If only she knew I am over it. With some advice from someone here, I have come to realise that not only is my husband controlling, but he is allowing his daughter to control me as well, everytime she wanted something, or had him come over to do this or that, it impacted on MY life, so therefore she in effect was controlling, when I did and didn't see my husband, she got him out of bed one night because her bf rang up and said she was upset, she dictated that I could not speak to my husband when she was here, because when I tried to join the conversation, she talked over the top of me, and he of course would turn and talk to her. So, as I have always said, it is all his fault, yes she did these things, but he did not have to respond and jump through her hoops of fire, she can treat me any way she likes, he needed to treat me with respect.

Like your SD my husband received no Fathers Day cards or phone calls this year, oh well Mother's Day was great, guess we can't have it all. Smiling

emotionaly beat up's picture

KATE2009, to date 157

KATE2009, to date 157 responses to your post - still feeling alone in this Smiling I found this site late last August early September and it has been a Godsend. While knowing we are all out here in the same boat doesn't fix your problems I hope it makes you feel better to know that this is not yours and yours alone, you are in no way causing the problem here ....it is just the way it is. Hope things get better for you. Good Luck and all the best.

Not-the-mom's picture

I too am in the process of

I too am in the process of disengaging from my skids. Sarah101's advice is good. It is best in your situation to stay away from the skids. You can't change them, and if they refuse to grow up emotionally on their own, there isn't much you can do about it.

Go have fun without them! Sticking out tongue

Keep the faith!

moose's picture

I am another stepmother of

I am another stepmother of adult kids that feels this post was written about my life. SD is 27 and SS is 25. From day one of DH and I dating they made sure that I knew I was unwelcome. They have spent the last 7 years emotionally abusing me. Like may of you DH has made every excuse in the world to justify their behavior. After so many years I have now disengaged. I say hello and good bye to them but that is about all. I refuse to put myself out there anymore because I just get kicked in the teeth again and again. Well this Thanksgiving SD called DH and told him that they were not coming for Thanksgiving(the spend whole day with BM but come see DH for about 15 minutes. Mainly to make sure SD gets her birthday entitlement money) SD spoke to DH for about an hour totally trashing me and telling him that I did not even say hi and bye to her the last time I saw her. This was a total lie because I make sure that I do. Well DH fell for it hook line and sinker. He apoligized to her repeatedly and told her over and over how much he loved her. He also told her that he would be seeking help from a councelor for me to help me with my problem. Not once in the last 7 years has SD or SS apoligized to me for their cruel abusive treatment of me. They were allowed to do so with DH never saying even a word to them. It might upset them then they would only give their love to their BM. I have now disengaged from DH as well. He totally threw me under the bus. Everything I read here I can truely see that it really is abuse. It has the same effects on us as it does on a child who is abused or a spouse who is abused. Seeing SD and SS has the same effect on me as seeing a abusive spouse would have on a abused spouse. Your heartrate speeds up your palms begin to sweat. The anguish is real. You are not crazy. How could someone who loves you fault you for finally standing up for yourself and saying I will not let you abuse me anymore? I was not put on this earth to be abused by you just because I fell in love and married your father. My love goes out to all you ladies who have had to experience this same kind of pain.

Shadow.Wife's picture

4 years ago i met the man of

4 years ago i met the man of my dreams. I never planned on falling in love again but i did. I feel like God brought this man into my life and will think that tell the day i die. He was very funny he made me laff all the time and we would talk for hours. My husband lost his wife in an accident it will be 5 years pretty soon. I have never been a step mom. I am a mom but never a step. I fell deeply in love with my husband he was married for 33 years. and thats why i have been so understanding or have tryed to be. I have never lost a life partner in the way he has. but i have lost a mother and i know what that feels like. When i met my husband i use to be nice Smiling now i find myself being alot tuffer my heart i guess. When my husband calls me the wrong name does it hurt yes but i tell myself in time . I moved to my husbands home where he shared his life with his wife. There are photos on the living room wall of there life. and there are a few of us. Part of me wants them down but then another part of me says you cant ask him to forget the life he had. the photos are apart of his memories. and he has a right to them. My husband is a great man. but when it comes to his kids he is very defensive of them. The day my husband took me to meet his adult kids i first met his son. he was very nice to me i was so glad and yet scared because it was importaint to me for them to like me because i really loved there father. Then it was on to the next daughter its his step daughter but he raised her most of her life.. so she is his daughter. when we got there my husband interduced me to his son in law and daughter my son in law said if you dont have a sence of humor you wont make it in this family. i just laughed i didnt no what to say. his grandaughter wispered something in my ear for the life of me i dont recall what it was but i do remember it being very nice. after awhile i went back home. I dont recall how many days had went by but my husband asked me to come visit with him again at his daughters house and i did it was for a few days.. my husband was working in the trailer he has a trailer there for his bussiness. i was in the house wanting to get to know his adult kids. i was sitting on the couch and his daughter and son in law were by the fire place i had told his daughter that i was sorry about her mom and that i wasnt here to take her place but that i would like for us to be friends the son in law said they throught i should get a job making my own money that i was reaping the rewards of there mothers death and that they didnt think it was right that my soon to be husband was making my car payments. I had cleaned there home after a few visits living room kitchen and laundry...they pointed out that they didnt care for me doing this because they didnt no me. he also said they blame my husband for there mothers death because she was on her way to do taxes.wasnt his fault. I went out to the trailer and i told my husband only about the part where they felt i should get a job. because if i had told him the rest im sure it would have hurt him. he talked to his son in law the next day and the son in law said that i misunderstood him.. I didnt. Im not sure if my husband believed me or not but i no what was said and i didnt misunderstand. I got married and it was so nice thats when i met his other daughter. She didnt talk to me much but i understood here is another woman in her dads life. the following day we were at my husbands home and his youngest daughter kept going into the house just acting really funny. after she left she had taking something that didnt belong to her it was her fathers. when he called her on it she denied it but he new. it turned out that his youngest daughter who is 25 is addicited to precription drugs along with his son. Did i no this no. But i loved my husband and was going to stand by him and try to also help his adult kids. the only thing i could do was lisen and i did over and over. Tryed to give advise nothing worked. when his son got busted in ca for drugs i went and got him out and got his truck out of the tow yard. when his grandson wanted a new car my husband got him it i drove 5 hours to pick the truck up and came back the same day. I one day asked his son how many cars has your dad bought for you he said 38. yes 38..he is 31..the last car he took out and set it on fire and tryed to do an insurance claim on it. didnt work..they got money from there mothers death so he got another truck with his money and its gone because someone kidnapped him and took his truck. he stole money from his father and stole money from people my husband knows he also stole this ladys medicine for canser and he lied about not taking it. then he finily admitted he took it. she got it back but not all of it. I could go on and on here. here are more of the things that have been said to me.well maybe i shouldnt. but i will tell you that everyone of his kids talk bad things about him to me then say if i say anything they will deny it. i cant talk to my husband about it because he is very defencsive of anything that comes to his kids.He talks alot with his step daughter he tells her everything sometimes i think its because she reminds him of his wife. sometimes i wish he would come to me the way he does to her. anytime these kids want anything they play on his feelings and he feels bad because they dont have there mom anymore. well let me tell you. when my mom died it didnt give me the right to be rude to others. everyone has lost someone in life.How does one deal with all of this im not sure but i am trying. but i dont like all the drama. i just want to love my husband for the rest of what ever life has left for us.

hector's picture

Hello everyone... something

Hello everyone... something from the male point of view. We all make misktakes, and if not caught early on become enslaving. My girlfriend has six children who are now adults, and oddly enough it's the girls that made their way independence and the boys (23 & 24). They live at home... enjoy their money and dummy step dad flips the bill with her 16 year old daughter who receives SSI due to her vision condition. I'm just about ready throw up i'm so pissed with myself for getting into this relationship, but i have a heart; which i'm ready to throw in the dumpster. I always look at the glass half full and half empty... because that's what it is, a two sided coin. It's not their fault (the boys) since mom is still breast feeding them... i blame myself for being to much of a coward not having left when i had the chance... Ladies, if you instill in your children the feeling of security that any decision they make cannot be made without MOMMA... please don't invite a man into your life to go through this non-sense... because you will be the one to suffer the greatest, since you will suffer the failure of another relationship, the regrets of your decisions, the being despised by your boyfriend or husband, but the saddest part is that your children will do anything to protect their slave,yes, THEIR SLAVE... because you will be alone when they decide to leave you alone for a lover, and will keep an eye on you from far away to make sure you don't make the same "MISTAKE"... be happy with yourselves, so you can be happy with others and don't think for a single moment that your failure to correct your past mistakes will not be construed as weakness. I already have my bags packed... EVEN THOUGH IT'S BREAKING MY HEART... I HAVE TO CARE ABOUT ME TOO!

Boudicca's picture

So sorry you are going

So sorry you are going through all this Hector. Sadly it is too late for most of us here. You are right, you do have to care about yourself. Good luck!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Hector I agree with all that

Hector I agree with all that you are saying, but would add it is the same for the dads who are more concerned about being adored by their little Princesses, than they are about bringing up happy healthy well adjusted young women. The dads who want to be the MAN in their daughters lives, even if she has a man of their own, daddy still wants to be top dog. The dads who have not allowed their daughters to grow up to be independent young woman because daddy didn't want to let go of his little girl. These men have not only spoilt these woman crazy, but have taught them to think they are the centre of the universe, and when daddy moves on with another woman..........all hell breaks loose. These woman have come from a home where bio mum clearly sat back and allowed her husband to treat his daughter as "special" and daughter has learnt she comes first.

So the problems are mostly caused by bio mums and dads who hated each other so much in the marriage they focussed all their attention on the kids, mums to sons, and dads to daughters and they created spoilt monsters who do not know how to function in the real world without mummy or daddy, mum and dad, are so caught up in this they are terriffied of losing the adoration of their precious child. The fact that these kids are now in their 20s, 30s, and even 40s, doesn't seem to cross the minds of this type of parent.


The marriages are not destroyed by these useless kids who have been mentally and emotionally crippled by their bio mum and dad, it is destroyed by the parent who refuses to see what has happend, and then as you say tries to get themself into a new relationship with a new partner but still maintains that little freddy or fiona are the centre of their universe and can do no wrong. They still in the second marriage fail as parents and as partners.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Unfortunately too many people

Unfortunately too many people don't get it when you say the marriage comes first, they somehow read that as neglecting the children. It is not that way at all. In a healthy marriage mum and dad look after each other physically, mentally and emotionally first, and by being there keeping each other healthy and happy in every area of life the support they give to one another just naturally trickles down to the kids who come from a healthy happy home where mum and dad love each other and treat each other with respect. What greater gift can you give a child than to bring them up in a happy healthy environment.

Same people who think kids come first are often the same people who think that kids suffer due to a broken marriage, and they don't see the contradition in their comments.

Our role as parents is to bring our children up to be independant, adults who can form relationships of their own and live a healthy happy life. If we do not teach our children to respect their partner, if we instead teach them that they come first,that by screaming, yelling, demanding and bullying they can get their own way, what do they learn, they learn to be selfish self centrered adults who think the world revolves around them and they are unable to form healthy relationships of their own because they have never learnt to respect another persons needs. The turn out to be people who care about no one except themselves and ultimatley they suffer for that. Marriage comes first.

emotionaly beat up's picture

If my SD were coming here and

If my SD were coming here and I had other plans I would continue with my plans, but hell would freeze over before I would let her force me out of my home just because she was an ill mannered rude spoilt over indulged baby in a grown woman's body. Once you leave the home because they come into it, you start a whole new set of problems. If they don't like you, don't come to your home, or let dad go out, but no way in hell would I leave to indulge her any more than she has been indulged. Dad and mum have given her her own way her entire life and look how that turned out, no thanks, not adding any more fuel to that monster.

sandye21's picture

I actually had a therapist

I actually had a therapist suggest leaving so SD could come visit. I told her there was no way I was going to leave my home to accommodate SD and added that SD had done so many underhanded and nasty things I did not trust her. The therapist backed off, saying maybe it wasn't a good idea then. I am not objecting at all to DH going to see her whenever he wishes buy why should I inconvenience myself for someone who would never do the same for me? The way I see it, if DH can not do what is necessary to allow her into our home, he can deal with the inconvenience. By the way EBU, I am still wondering if your SD is an only child.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well that depends on who's

Well that depends on who's perspective you are looking at. From where I stand my husband has two boys one 36 and another 34 as well as this 30 year old Princess of Darkness. So, no matter which way I add it up, I keep thinking he has 3 kids.

Now if you look at it from DH and The Princesses perspective, yes she is an only child. Smiling

Jokes aside, it does make, well it did make me physically ill the way he ignored his sons and went panting after this woman, but now I don't care. I feel sorry for the mess he has made of his sons, and I still get somewhat angry that he allows his daughter to bully them and run their lives. If one of them speaks Sandye, this is not a lie, she glares at them, if one of them is asked a question she answers for them, and if they are pressed to answer themselves (I've tried it), they look to her, and keep looking at her while they give the shortest answer possible. She calls the shots.

Since I banned her, she banned the brothers now no one comes here, can you hang on a moment Sandye while I get a hankie to dry my tears Laughing out loud She hates my guts, she is doing this to punish dad, and me, the person she claims to hate the most, (she doesn't she really hates dad the most), but anyway, me - she gave the gift of life to. She is so thick she does not realise how happy she has made me. In an effort to destroy my life and watch me die, she has sent me up to 7th heaven. Love it.

So, cannot give you a definative answer on that, but if you saw it for yourself, you would say ONLY child. Smiling

Think your DH and SD are clones of my DH and SD Eye-wink

StepAside's picture

I definitely believe the more

I definitely believe the more stepchildren there are, the harder it is. Also, the females really are the worst usually. Any time any one of my SD's has shown the slightest desire in getting beyond the war with me and moving toward mutual respect, the other two drag that one back into the mire and remind her who her "blood" family is. Treating me with kindness is a huge sign of betrayal. Since there are three of them, this attitude gets bounced back and forth and always prevails.

I have one brother. He has really struggled with resentment toward my SM and our father. He and I both had some pretty terrible face to face experiences with her. She has never acknowledged any of the events that happened and never apologized. To contrast, I've apologized to my SD's for things I didn't even do. Might as well have put a "kick me" sign on my back.

Anyway, hanging on to my resentment was not getting me closer to having my dad in my life. Perhaps it's because I have kids and my brother does not. But I wanted my kids to have family, and I want to have family. When my brother saw me spending more time with my father and my SM, he kept telling me I was stupid for trusting her again. And he kept bringing up all the resentments he had toward them. It was a real challenge for me to intentionally just start changing the subject when he'd start. Eventually, he figured out that I didn't want to get sucked into that anymore. And over time, he started to repair his own relationship with them.

I don't think any of my SD's are motivated to take that position on behalf of their father. I frankly don't think they particularly care if he's in their family or not. They have their mother and their grandmother, and each other.

My point is, siblings can have such a huge influence over each other. I really think there is strength in numbers. A single stepkid is the minority. Several stepkids make the stepmother the minority.


sandye21's picture

I guess the dynamics are a

I guess the dynamics are a bit different. When there is only one SD Daddy has a tendency to appease her at SM's expense. She's been raised as VERY special and there is a more of a resistance to share Dad. But I see your point. I never thought of it but having to deal with a pack rather than a single pitt bull would not be too much fun either.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Yes my SD is a special child

Yes my SD is a special child all right, but not special in the way she thinks, more along the lines of "special needs child" I would say. When you ring daddy and ask him to come around and show you how to sweep the floor because the broom doesn't work, well, that in my book classifies you as special needs.

Laughing out loud Just realised the day that happend I was fuming mad, now when I remembered and wrote it I was actually smiling. Oh life is good with her gone.

Mominator's picture

HAHAHA, my YSD does the

HAHAHA, my YSD does the "daddy, I'm very very sick, please hold my hair while I throw up" routine. It's really quite nauseous. Might have worked when she was 6, but 20??? Really? How insecure are you witch?

emotionaly beat up's picture

Maybe she should get a nice

Maybe she should get a nice sort haircut so she can manage to throw up without assistance. Cannot fathom at all what these dads think. They surely must see other people's kids don't act like this, most woman at 28 can sweep a floor, and most 20 year olds can hold their own hair back to throw up, do they not worry that their kids really are "special needs" kids.

I have to say this and it is not funny, and really out of character for me, because I actually have compassion for people and admit it was not my proudest moment, but one day when the evil Princess Useless was over using our internet she called daddy into the study, the second daddy went into the study BF gets up and goes in too. So, I ring my GF and we have a chat for 15 - 20 minutes, I rang my daughter for another couple of minutes, and then after 40 minutes I went to the study and asked DH if I could speak to him, we went into our bedroom and I asked if he thought it was appropriate for the three of them to leave me alone on the couch while they all went into the study. Now I know this was just another day of SD finding a way to isolate me, and I was also aware that BF was not allowed to be alone with me at anytime (BF told me she had told him that), so, as much as I was annoyed with her getting away with it again, I was ready to stab DH for once more helping her to isolate me. His response, was I was just watching evil one (well he used her name), on the internet, you can come in to if you like. To which I replied, are you serious, do you really think a good night's entertainment for me would be to stand behind evil cow and watch her surf the net, and why are you doing it, you would never do that for me or anyone else, yet you and BF have been in there for 40 minutes standing behind her while she sits in comfort surfing the net, why? He say, she wanted me to, and I could help but say, why is she retarted.

Honestly it's hard to know who is more stupid her or DH telling me I was allowed to go into my own study to stand behind SD and watch her surf the net. Are these men completely MAD.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Mominator I can top that one,

Mominator I can top that one, when SD was 28 daddy got down on his knees (he has arthritis in the knees), on cold hard floor tiles, and he helped precious put her shoes on. No I am stuffed if I know how she got those shoes on her feet by herself to come here, but she made it look so hard to get them on when she was leaving that daddy had to laugh and get down on his knees to help her. Gosh she's so cute isn't she.Her hair is naturally dark (italian heritage so I mean dark), But it is dyed blonde, think she did this at an earlhy age so she could act the helpless none to bright dumb blonde thing. (No offence I my kids and my grandkids are blonde), so is my very best friend she has tried dying it dark, but you can't dye the dumb out Smiling Actually this has just reminded me, funny story of the day, precious, helpless, evil cow when pregnant announced to a room full of people, if I have a baby girl it will be pretty like me (wish I could post a photo here cause pretty in all seriousness and not being nasty is not how you would describe her), still to continue, she then added, it will have my long legs, (nope she is 5ft nothing), so not too much hope of the baby having long legs, but the icing on the cake, she will probably have my blonde hair, well maybe baby would have if mum was drinking peroxide throughout the pregnancy.

Talk about a Hallmark moment, her face was priceless when I could not help but say, there's not much chance of your baby being blonde, BF is dark and your hair is naturally dark........Now she has been dying her hair since she was a kid (have seen family photos), and I am not sure if she had forgotten she was naturally dark, or if she was shocked that I knew that, anyway wish I had had a camera for that look. By the way baby was born with jet black hair, and short little legs.

Boudicca's picture

Hahahaha! I would love to

Hahahaha! I would love to have seen the look on her face - priceless!

saffron5567's picture

I have tried setting

I have tried setting boundaries. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I have a lot of trouble being the "b" stepmother and I usually back off the boundaries I swear I'm going to set.

Still, it's the only way to move forward if you want more peace in your head. I put it off and put it off and then I get furious about something and I demand a boundary be set and then I feel like a shrew trying to take Daddy away from his little girl (SD is 26!) I really ride the roller coaster on this one.

And it's so hard to decide if we're being reasonable or not. I hear in your post that you're not sure it's right for you to make a boundary. But is it right for you to feel the way you do because of others' behavior? The answer to that question is what typically helps me get the nerve to make a demand.

Good luck. I know I wasn't much help. I'm married four years soon and still don't know my place in the marriage or the triangle with his kid.

FigNewton's picture

I have been married two years

I have been married two years to a man with 5 grown children. My relationships with each one of them is very different but can be summed up by saying that our interactions are awkward and they continue to be disrespectful, unthoughtful and rude to me. But I am writing today to ask for advice on a particular tough situation that I am dealing with. My husband had always "promised" to take his daughter on a vacation to a particular place. His ex-wife would never agree to a family vacation to this particular place, so they never went. Now his daughter is in her mid-20s and married and next week going on that vacation...just the two of them. Mind you, my husband and I aren't going on vacation this year. Nope. Just his daughter and him are going on the vacation. From the minute they started planning this, I expressed my disappointment and frustration to him about this vacation. It didn't matter. His fatherly guilt about promises unfilled were more valuable to him that my feelings. And truly if I knew that this trip would erase all of his fatherly guilt, then I would be packing his suitcase for him. But I know that isn't going to happen. His fatherly guilt will return on the plane with him. He gave her a good childhood, he gave her an expensive wedding, he has been a good dad. But honestly, she is a married working grown woman going on vacation (that he is paying for) with her father. And my husband, although he says he understands where I am coming from, is still going on this trip. It's like he could never stand up to his ex-wife about this trip but he has no problem disrepecting my feelings. He keeps saying he is sorry that I am hurting but it doesn't matter...I am still hurting.

Poodle's picture

FigNewton, you will get more

FigNewton, you will get more replies if you cut and paste this entry into a whole new post, as you've added it onto a 2009 post and people will start reading that from the beginning and forget about your issues. I suggest do that and then people can concentrate on just your issue in the post.

It's nothing personal.

JustBeYourself's picture

Hello all, I just read this

Hello all,

I just read this entire thread from 2009 to date. I have 3 adult SC. Hindsight being 20/20, I would have never followed the advice of their father when we started dating of coaching me to win over the eldest and the rest would follow. Eight years later and many, many, many escapades later (just as you have all described), I have come to the same conclusion. Respect yourself. There is no amount of trying to win them over that will change their position. FYI, I never won over the eldest and the rest did not follow; they did pretend for a couple of years eventually only to please their father, but then they returned with a vengeance. Their father did try extremely hard for several years to attempt the best possible blended family, but eventually the constant feeling of being caught in the middle became overwhelming. There was no discussion between us, but over time, it just naturally unfolded that he distanced them and their constant disturbances from me by not sharing. More or less, what I didn't know couldn't hurt me. I contribute this to our different discipline styles. He's a push over and I'm not totally hard core, but I don't accept blatant lies and disrespect either.

They continue. I don't. I learned their behavior was making me feel like a junior high school girl caught up with some deep need to "MAKE" them like me. I finally and quietly accepted that "it is what it is."

I consider their behavior to be no different than that of your typical schoolyard bully. And what do we all know about schoolyard bullies? If you don't respond to their negative behavior they have no thrill to carry on and annoy. I can't say that is true for the eldest, as she is still a killjoy, but she no longer does it to my face. Yes, she still carries on with her negativity and needing to be the princess at age 29 to her father and it stops there. At first, I felt sad that their father had quietly given up on his campaign of family blending, but I soon began to understand he probably knew better than I did that if he left me out of the loop most of the time on their shenanigans then I was much more calm, as is his personality. Now, I really appreciate his action regardless if it was his own self preservation or both of ours.

The point to this is to just be yourself in the beginning, middle, and end. I wish I had. I wish I had never had the urge to "MAKE" them like me, but it's human nature. I accept their jealousy, and I truly have never had any jealousy for them, and I have often thought that was the problem; they wanted me to be jealous of them making them feel superior. Oh well, life goes on. I am polite to them and leave it at that completely unconcerned that I know the oldest (29 years old) still inserts daily negativity to her father. Why? Because it stops at him and he doesn't share with me. Does he stroke her ego sometimes in agreement to "keep the peace?" Probably! Does it bother me anymore? Nope. Why? Because we are still happily married.

Sad to say, but true: I realized the problem is his, not mine. He and his children have a great relationship. My biological child and he have a great relationship. His children do not care to recognize me and my biological child as family; they only pretend for their father. He's no fool. If he wanted to put his foot down and clear the mud he would. Therefore, he OWNS this along with his adult children and not me and my adult biological child, and we have never been anything but gracious, so no guilt there.

Freedom came when I realized not to play the game with the schoolyard bully. It may not be perfect, but I don't believe perfect exists.

God bless and good luck all.

Freshstart's picture

Hello great comments. Try

Hello great comments. Try also "Step Monster" by Wednesday Martin. See if you can get your partner to read it too.

emotionaly beat up's picture

No lifestooshort you should

No lifestooshort you should not apologize to someone who came into your home with the sole intent of using you and your husband. Your husband should be apologizing to you for letting his sons behavior get you to that point. The son should be apologizing to both of you. The consequences of apologizing to the son are you are taki g the son's side in this and saying he us right therefore you owe him an apology. Do you.

Kate you have written the story of my life. I put up with this for 8 years. Nothing I did changed the attitude of DH's kids all adults towards me. My husband sat in silence and said nothing no matter how rude they were to him or to me.

I eventually hated my Sd with a passion. I don't know when the penny dropped but drop it did one day and I suddenly woke up to the fact that sf was not the problem. DH was. By saying and doing nothing he was encouraging het behavior. He was sending a clear message to her that he was fine with her behavior and felt she was justified in behaving like this.

That day I started to speak up I decided if my husband wanted to put up with his daughters disrespect well more fool him, but I was done. That day I realized Sd was not even close to being the problem. DH was to blame for the whole sad and sorry mess.
My husband failed to teach his children right from wrong he failed to teach them respect and manners. He also as a husband not only failed to support his wife but he by his silence allowed his children to abuse insult and isolate me.

This situation came to a head when Sd had a baby. Her trump card. She got boyfriend to tell DH on her behalf if he wanted to see his granddaughter he had to leave me.

This ended with me banning sd from my home and telling DH he was more than welcome to go with her. Sd then when crying to FIL and FIL took her side too. He told her and her boyfriend they could come to my house anytime they wanted to. and just ignore me. Now my relationship with FIL is non existent and my FIL's relationship with my husband is barely there.

I think the biggest mistake I made here was putting up with it. I allowed this to go on out if respect for my husband. I believed it was his place to speak to his children and pull them into line. I thought that it would be crossing the line for me to put them in their place. When that penny dropped I realized that I too had allowed them to get away with this appalling treatment of me. I decided no more. I should have spoken up 8 years earlier. While I was busy for those 8 years respecting my husband he was actively busy disrespecting me by allowing and encouraging his children to come into our home and behave like they did.

I should have nipped this in the bud. I should have and I suspect I did know my husband was incapable of standing up to his daughter.

If I have learnt anything it is this. SK's will not respect you because you respect them, they will not welcome you into their hone because you welcome then into yours. If you allow them to be rude and disrespectful and isolate you, they shamelessly will. If they do not want anything to do with you no amount of respect gifts or money will change that. In fact the opposite is true. Doing these things makes them think you are an idiot. They laugh at you behind your back. They know how they are treating you and they see your gifts as an attempt to win them over. Which if course it is. We want peace. But while they will grab the gifts money etc all that is happening is their contempt fit you is building with each gift. The more you do / give them the more they despise you.

The stories here are often the same just different people.

Let your husband allow his children to treat him like the village idiot if he wishes but do not accept that fit yourself. Expect the same from your adult steps that you would from any other adult guest in your home. Nothing more NOTHING less. If they live there then they need to know that as adults living at home is a privellage not a right and they need to treat everyone in the house with respect or get their own house

Lifetakes Moxie's picture

The problem starts and ends

The problem starts and ends with the spouse, they can lend a hand or buff the brat! It really is that simple. Disrespect is not to be tolerated ESPECIALLY in one's own home. I have a very disrespectful SD, who at 36 still uses name calling like she did when she was 12. Sadly her bio mom has no ears for it! I had to recently speak up for myself as I could no longer tolerate her lack of respect. This I addressed with my wife, who took near seven weeks to finally have a "chat" with the SD! How sad is that! I was almost out the door, wasting a relationship nearing 26 years. Her children were 14, 11 & 8 when I came into her life. It has never been easy, but I thought at least it would get better, not so. Disrespect from adult skids cuts deeper than if they are young. Gashes are wide, blood flows under bridges long since abandoned. I have seen much in my life, but I will not accept disrespect, and you will be a better person for it if you dump it out with the trash. Do not allow excuses, from the skids or the spouse, and if that is all you receive than do yourself a huge favor, and move on with the rest of your life. Live in a plastic tent in the middle of the woods, in the midst of the coldest winter, you will be far, far better off. No manner of disrespect should ever be dismissed by the spouse under any guise. Love starts with the spouse. If your spouse loves you, they will demand respect for you from their children. If they don't demand it, just pack up because to say it simply, they DO NOT LOVE YOU.

bostonstepmonster3's picture

No, not alone. Because my

No, not alone. Because my husband can't grow a pair and defend his supposed love of his life, I have an appt with an attorney next week. I'm allowed to be treated as a third class citizen in this family, the kids and his mother have said and done things in front of both of us and he let's it go. But if I acted out of sorts or was upset, I was in the ghouse. My husband is not in love with me any longer if he were, he would protect me from negative people and their trash talk. If I say one little thing about his son, he blows up, but if I tell him that same person sent gay porn mags subscribed in my info to deliberately hurt me, happened after hate letter, he turns the other cheek. He doesn't come down on them at all. I give my everything to this man and zero appreciation. What the hell am I doing? I've been praying he'd return to the man I married and I feel lied to. He promised he would never huft me, 2 years full of tears now.

Lifetakes Moxie's picture

It's high time to talk to

It's high time to talk to that attorney, and high time to pack. Good luck, there are kind men out there.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Be glad it is only two years

Be glad it is only two years bostonstepmonster3, and not twenty.

I took 8 years of my husband doing his crap. I banned the main problem, his daughter just over a year ago from ever setting foot in my home again. She then went crying to my FIL and completely destroyed my relationship with him.

My husband expects people to say hello to him first, he sees that as a sign of respect. His children however never said hello or goodbye and he said, well I can't make them talk to you. He allows his daughter to get away with anything and everything and like you if I say one word about her it's on. Mind you, he has no problems with her disrespecting him either. She hung up the phone on him once, and his response, well she was at work and couldn' talk. She had been talking fine until he said something she didn't like, then she slammed down the phone. But that's okay, that is his daughter, and he has told himself she only did it because she was at work.

I understand how you feel, I am so sorry for you, for us, for all of us on this site who married one man and then found ourselves living with another. All the best with your attorney. I hope things go well for you.

missy1's picture

Thank the LORDY for this

Thank the LORDY for this site!!! I feel so relieved I am not alone in this. I have 2 SS both in their 20's and it has been nothing but a nightmare since day one and of course their mother is a nasty, vindictive manipulator who has never wanted her boys to like me. Like you all, I have tried everything, been nice e.t.c...but nothing works so, one of them I have had nothing to do with him since last Christmas, the other one is ok and is always polite but I always feel that little resistance to really get to know me or allow me in. Last Christmas and as all Christmas's before I never get thanked for their gift from their father and I, but last Christmas really took the straw for me when THAT!! SS (SOB) ha ha a little humour needed, gave an Xmas card to their dad and thanked him for dinner e.t.c and ignored me, and the card was only addressed to my partner (been together for 12 years Sad but what really peeved me even more was the SS girlfriend who had never met me or my P, proceeded to thank him, gave him a hug and said Happy xmas. I decided that I had had enough and left the room quietly and left them to it, hence not speaking to him for an entire year and it has been bliss, except for the fact that SS's are coming up on Xmas morning for breakfast, I told my P that I was not feeling comfortable with the 1 SS and perhaps something needed to be said, he basically told me it was my problem between the SS and me, the problem is he has never pulled his son up on his behaviour and never backed me up. Does anyone have some sane advice?? I spoke to one person from work and she suggested that I don't say anything before Christmas but pull him up on the day for e.g. instead of his father handing the gift to him that I hand it to him and say Happy Christmas this is from your Dad and I.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I put up with this shit for 8

I put up with this shit for 8 years. I was completely ignored. DH told me his daughter wanted us to go round for a drink on get birthday. Yeah. Everyone including DH was offered and had drinks. Except me of course. DH said nothing. Everyone but me was offered cake. DH said nothing. Now this us just one example. There are hundreds.

I learned this and you need to take note. If your DH has said nothing about his rude sons ignorant behavior in 12 years. He's not going to Ever.

If you say nothing. His sons will treat you like the idiot they think you are. Lets be honest. Look at how they treat you in your own home. You say and do nothing about it, your husband says and does nothing about it, so the message to the sibs us clear. Dad is happy for them to disrespect his wife. And dads wife us a dickhead anyway. She puts up with it. Hell they even worded the girlfriend up to ignore you, and she did. Some strange woman came into your home and your family for the very first time, and made you feel like an unwelcome, unwanted guest in your own home. And no one did anything about it.

Your husband like most of them here is afraid to upset his sons. They might stop talking to him. He couldn't have that. He'd rather they treat you like shit. That means, in his mind, they live him.

You really do need to pick up your self esteem and get some self respect back. You have to muster every bit of courage within you and sort this out. You need to demand respect from your husband. First and foremost. And you need to tell that frightened gutless wonder you will not be disrespected in your own home, or anywhere else for that matter. You need to tell him either teach his sons some manners, or you will.

It took me 8 years. I told my husband to sort it out several times. He failed. Just kept coming up with a million reasons why it was all my fault. He refused to see he played any role in this. He certainly refused to think that greedy, manipulative, self centered daughter of his with an overinflated sense of entitlement was in any way at fault. After all she was raised and treated as special. And if I fell into line we would have no problems. I cannot tell you the hell I have befn through.

She had a baby. We went to the hospital. I held a gift out to her. She turned her head and stared at the mattress. She ignored me once again in a room full of people. When we left I said to DH. That's it. I'm done now. I am finished with her. DH's response. Well you could have said congratulations. See ignore what she did. Fail to acknowledge how humiliated I was. And scrape the bottom of the barrel to find some way to blame me.

Two weeks pass. I refuse to go to her home to see the baby. DH doesn't interestingly go either. But rang her daily. Then he gets his orders from
His daughters boyfriend. If you want to see the baby. You need to leave your wife.

He did not go. So not to be outdone. She s few weeks latet turned up here. I told him to go the door and tell her she was not welcome or i would. He told me to do it. So I did. That was a year ago last August.

DHs family is a mess. When his daughter saw I was not about to budge she went to my husbands father. She had ignored this man for over 10 years. She had not even told this man, het grandfather, she was pregnant. Yet shamelessly she goes to him crying daddy won't see my baby.

Now I have not spoken to FIL for nearly a year. FIL barely speaks to DH. And never calls DH. The whole family is finished because Sd could not get her own way anymore.

This is my first Christmas in years that I am actually happy. This is the first Christmas I will have nothing to do with DH's family.

I have taken my life back. I told DH I would not put up with it anymore, and if he wanted to. He could go with his daughter. Because ultimately all of this was his fault. By doing nothing about the rudeness of his family. By allowing them to ignore, isolate and humiliate me, he was in fact, supporting and encouraging them. He was showing them that treating me like dog poo on the soles of their feet was fine. He taught them to treat me like that.

Your husband is never going to deal with this. So you need to decide what it is you want and go for it

If you don't want then there. Tell your DH they are not coming. You will not accept it. If you want to try one more time, then warn him. One bit if rudeness out of them and he has two seconds to pull them into line, or you will ask them to leave. Tell him he can go with then if he likes, because it is HIS fault , he allows them to treat you this way.

He won't go. He will think you won't follow through. And he will be stunned witless when you do.

Ultimately what you will have done is put the responsibility of your ss manners back where it belongs. On their fathers shoulders. And all you are asking your DH to do us show done respect for his wife. Not such a big deal us it.

But if you do nothing. Nothing will change.

I would love to know. Where you even asked about them coming for breakfast. Or did your DH organize and plan it and you Cinderella just need to get your butt into the kitchen and cook for them and their girlfriends.

Sort it out. Say something. Because your husband never will. He us incapable of it.

Orange County Ca's picture

You've gotten a lot of advise

You've gotten a lot of advise here and I'm not going to try and read it all. After I disengaged* from my step-daughters I let them set the tone for our relationship. As it ebbed and flowed I simply treated them the same.

Right now we're in a tolerating mode and I expect that to last until I pass on. Both live out of the state and my wife visits one of them there and both visit here on occasion. When they visit I'll say hello after they recognize me which usually takes a moment or two. "You looking good" I say and then I excuse myself.

If they didn't initiate a hello I'd just ignore them until they did and frankly didn't care if they didn't.

Once they realized I didn't give a damn it took all their power away and they no longer act negatively - just friendly or neutral depending on their mood I guess. I respond the same.

Take a look at the following and remember that you owe these people nothing and you got along just fine in the world before you knew them and you'll get along just fine without them:

* http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html


I've observed humans for 70 years and dogs for 10. I prefer the dogs.

DRAINED AND DON&#039;T KNOW's picture




Towanda's picture

I know this is a very old

I know this is a very old post, but wow! The original poster took the words right out of alot of our mouths and it was good to see in print by anyone just now surfing this sight for the first time!

ohiomima's picture

I just found this site and am

I just found this site and am overwhelmed with good vibes!! Spent all of Christmas day crying my eyes out. My H and I have been married almost 20 years and although I have a very close relationship with my step-son and his wife and daughters, my step-daughter decided long ago that she hated me and has viewed everything since 1992 through that lense of hatred. My husband stopped attending her children's parties at her mother's house (his ex shares this house with the man who helped break up their marriage and is now married to her). This refusal to attend parties there is, of course, my doing as far as she's concerned. Yesterday for the first time in over 2 years my H went to his daughter's home, alone of course, to bring presents to the grands. This, after two emails from his daughter outlining all his shortfalls as a husband. He deserted her, he moved 25 mintes away, he married me, he might hurt the children like he hurt her...on and on ad nauseum. I used to think she shut him out as a way to hurt me, and now I think she wants to hurt him too. If she can feel like she's won him over, away from me, she will feel like the victor in this sick power struggle. I'm at the point where I am trying to do the right thing for my husband and for the grands. I can't imagine ever getting over my new-found hatred of her, but want so much for my husband to be able to see the grands. Now I feel like I'm just venting blah blah blah. How do you describe 20 years of pain in a short post? If anyone has more advice on how to close off the heart and take the high road, please post!

LauraTryingToFindCompassion's picture

Thanks everyone for sharing

Thanks everyone for sharing your woes. I am so happy to find this site and to know that others are facing the same struggles that I am. My adult stepson has hated me since the day we met. He's manipulative, lies and passive-aggressive. I truly believe that he has tried to sabatoge every relationship my husband has tried to have prior to me. I have tried everything despite the behavior, have still stepped up to the plate because I love my husband. We've endured years of his issues such jail time, driving without a license, court, unexpected pregnancy,got-a-job-lost-a-job, needs money because he buys multi hundred dollar toys but can't pay bills, brain washing our granddaughter to despise her mother (...of which he is still married but has hooked up with another woman to help raise her. She has a a car and drives. He is still not divorced from our daughter-in-law.) My husband is finally now neutral with his son's behavior. In years past, my husband was wracked with guilt about how the he and his ex split up when his son was 8 years old (ex found another guy and up and left, didn't want to see her son for a couple of years)- thus not seeing the behavior and giving in. Stepson still treats his father with a large amount of contempt when he doesn't get his way. My husband still tries to hold on to any glimmers of love because he loves his son. I have decided to disconnect and detach from trying to maintain a relationship with my stepson. Whenever, he and the girlfriend and granddaughter come over, they do not acknowledge my presence, do not say hello. I still kick myself for trying so hard all these years, being the safety net for the granddaughter, when her parents failed to plan or think ahead with their decisions. When they come over, I just go into a different room or leave. Just when I was feeling good about this holiday season, they show up unexpectedly with "gifts" of which my stepson pulls 1 of 2 out of the bag and says, "...hey this one doesn't have a name on it." as he is talking to the girlfriend and she says "...oh that's hers" as if I wasn't standing there... Needless to say I spent evening crying and my husband says I am throwing a hissy-fit. My stepson also continues to friend me on LinkedIn, Facebook, Google+, etc. of which I ignore and block him. I married my husband, not his grown child, is what I keep telling myself... if I didn't, I would run and not look back.

Towanda's picture

Ohio mima and Laura, welcome,

Ohio mima and Laura, welcome, we feel your pain! This is a very old post and you may want to start your own new one and you will get alot of input from others! I just recently found this post and thought it spelled out so much of the pain many of us can't put into words.
Ohio, I think you and I have a very similar situation. keep posting!

Weeser1's picture

Thanks to you all for making

Thanks to you all for making me think, again.

Thanks to you all for making me think, again.I believe we are all in the same place.
About a year ago, I read some of these posts and did exactly what was suggested.
I want to say it did help my peace within.It is upsetting when skids act so irresponsible,dis-respectful.Someone needs to take a stand.That usually would be the childs parent.If that parent does not- there lies the issue. By the way, I have the same problem.I can't put it any other way than it pisses me off.In these kinds of upbringing bring other issues. Two out of three of my skids are drug addicts. Iam ashamed to say it.
But, that's it.What a waste of time.How sad is that? Disengage is the only answer.
Thankyou to all

Echo's picture

Holy crap. This thread is

Holy crap. This thread is almost FOUR YEARS OLD !!! How deep does someone have to dig and dig and dig to pull something up that's this old ?!?!?! And WHY would someone ?

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

LowProfile's picture

I too am an invisible

I too am an invisible stepmom. Prom just took place last weekend, my friend did SD18's hair. The ONLY pic taken of "US" is the one my friend took. I took pics of dad and sd, and even sent some to evil MIL who requested them of her granddaughter and son. I help with all the events and get no credit other than when the BM makes nasty comments to SD about how I am such a good friend to SD....PFtttt sarcastically said of course. Graduation is coming may 31 and I just think Ill sit back and watch, Any advice on this event will be appreciated.... BM will get all the credit as will Dh for SD's achievement. And to think it may or may not get better when this child moves out only sickens me..The advice on here helps a bunch. I could also write a book on how to be treated like crap 1000 different ways in just a short 6 years of me and Dh being together and be told, I could be a lot worse kid. I just replied to her As I can be a lot worse SM HA! Learning to ignore is getting better, being disengaged better. Just living in a step parent world day by day.

Happily Married yet Disgruntled Step parent

Hanny's picture

In my situation, my SO blames

In my situation, my SO blames me for all the issues with his skids. They are pretty much respectful, we don't have much of a relationship. But they've voiced opinions to him, such as they though that my life style improved when I moved in with him. My answer to that was 'what business is it of theirs'. The youngest when she went off to college insisted that I not be there to help her move in. She just wanted her mom and dad, and of course mom's BF was there and that was okay. They don't think that I try hard enough to have a relationship with them, and SO pretty much agrees. Our solution to all this is we just do not talk about it anymore. I will go to family events when he wants me to, and he comes to mine. He enjoys my family, I not so much his. His family is just not fun. You cannot be yourself with them. We have to hide things we do from them. My family is very open about things, and that's how we've raised out kids. I keep my daughter separate from SO's skids. They've only been together maybe twice and his kids were very rude, didn't even talk to my daughter. He admitted later that they were rude. But it is uncomfortable, it is like an elephant in the room. We get along great, have lots of fun together, but will never marry because of his kids. My SO is pretty much an ATM to them (he's said this also), and if we got married, they would get made and think that I would be taking over their inheritance. So we keep things separate, we have his daughters over, and then we have my daughter over, or I go meet my daughter somewhere and we do things by ourselves. But still it's all my fault because I don't reach out enough and let them know I want to be their friend. I once told him 'don't expect your daughters and me to bond'...they are too old for bonding, we will never go out and get pedicures together. I'm pleasant when they are around and try hard to make them feel welcome, but I can never get over the things they've said and done. My daugther on the other hand loves my SO and she would be happy if we got married. We've been together 9 years...it is getting easier the older they get because they aren't over as much, but still there is that 'elephant' just sitting there between us.

StepAside's picture

I believe the "elephant in

I believe the "elephant in the room" boils down to a conflict of interests. What they said was true. Your lifestyle most likely did improve when you moved in with your BF. The flip side is that they believed by default, when their parents divorced, that all of their combined assets would continue to stay in their family and never be shared with anyone else. That makes accepting second marriages very difficult. I'm guessing their mother's lifestyle also improved when she married your BF. I know if any of my SD's got married, their lifestyles would improve as well. It's typical. However, since you are taking from someone they believe they had in their possession, you are a target for their resentment, not just a new family member.

That's probably also why your kids get along with your BF. He's not taking from them. If anything, his inclusion has added to your children's lives. Oh well, that's life. Some young adult stepchildren figure it out and end the hate, and some never do.

Sounds like you're already hardened to the process, like many of us, and have learned not to take it personally. It's amazing to me how little this stuff is ever talked about with stepchildren. They go develop dysfunctional ways of thinking, and nobody ever tells them otherwise. In fact, many times folks around them are empowering their beliefs. I got a speeding ticket and had to spend 4 hours in driving school. Give me a group of young adult stepchildren for 4 hours, and I guarantee at least some of them would leave with a new perspective.


Rags's picture

Who cares if your life style

Who cares if your life style improved when you moved in with your partner. Purposely not presented as a question but as a statement. In the very rare occassion when two people of identical meens and income hook up it is always the case that one or the other improves their lifestyle.

When we married my wife was a single teen mom college student on welfare working two jobs. I was a degeed engineer making good money. I can assure that my lifestyle and quality of life improved just as much as my DW's and our son's (my SS then 1yo). My contribution was economic, parental and spousal but they contributed as much to me in return. That is how quality family relationships work.

Of course the DickHead SpermIdiot can't say the same. Instead of learning to be a responsible adult of character and integrity he went on to spawn three more also out of wedlock children with two more baby mammas. His quality of life has always sucked entirely due to his lack of character. But, that is not my problem, my wife's problem or our son's problem. Sadly it is a problem for the three younger SpermIdiot spawn.

My XW and I on the other hand were of substantially equal meens when we met and married. That was a disaster. Not for any reason other than her complete lack of character and integrity.

So, don't sweat what your Skids or BM think or feel about your lifestyle. Screw em an enjoy your relationship and life.



A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy. Parenting is not a popularity contest. -Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a piece of my life then use your head or

Rags's picture

The key to addressing this

The key to addressing this issue IMHO if the ADULT stepchildren classification. You indicated that you treat them with dignity and respect as you would any other adult you are in contact with.

Well, with adulthood comes responsibility. The responsibility to behave as an adult and treat people with dignity and respect.

So, hold them accountable for that adult responsibility.

I for one would not abdicate my place with my spouse because of the behavior of a Skid or a member of the IL clan just as I would not expect or ask my wife to abdicate her place with me. We are married. We are a team. Neither of us would tolerate our family or BioKids treating the other with anything less than polite respect adn dignity.

Do not negotiate this with your DH, tell him that you will be treated with polite dignity and respect or you will start jerking knots in the rude ill behaved people who fail to treat you acceptably and you will not under any circumstance abdicate your position as his equity partner and you will not tolerate him tolerating others treating you in any way other than with polite dignity and respect.

Another thing that you may want to keep in mind is that idiots like your SKids and their BM are like cockroaches in a dark room who scurry for dark corners when the light comes on. You be the light. Lett them scurry. Beem your happiness in life, your marriage, etc... Never fail to accompany your DH to any family gathering whether you are specifically invited or not. Look your best, be confident and be happily on the arm of your partner. Have a confident twinkle in your eye and if anyone pulls their usual crap bare their ass confidentyly, publically and politely.

eg. Wow BM. You would think that after so long you would have dealt with the failure of your marriage to my husband. I truly hope you can figure out how to move and be happy. I truly want that for you. Smiling

eg. Well Skid, I would really like to know what is bothering you. This is a very nice family get together that everyone but you seems to be enjoying. Is there anything I can help you with to make it better for you. Smiling

Be ready to kick up the beeming smile, throw back your head and laugh happily with the clear message that ..... BM/SKid you are sooooo funnnnyy!!!! The real message is of course that they are pathetic but you let your happiness, confidence and positive assertiveness send that message.

All IMHO of course.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy. Parenting is not a popularity contest. -Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a piece of my life then use your head or

Samantha123's picture

I've been so committed to

I've been so committed to making everything work that only after 26 years did I recently try to accept and deal with the fact that my husband's two "kids" have treated me disgracefully for decades! I never spoke of it, or even admitted it to myself. I must have been out of my mind.

My husband is elderly and has been very ill for eight and a half years. His "kids" visit every couple of years, sit on their backsides, read books and ask what time dinner is going to be ready. Their dad is flat on his back, hooked up to machines, can't use the bathroom on his own, and all they can do is read books and play with their phones.

The lack of common sense, of courtesy, of respect no longer makes me angry. I just want out and away from this family of users. Stepmothers are mules, nothing more.

skeeter's picture

You are not alone! You can

You are not alone! You can talk until you are blue and it only digs a hole for you. Just continue to treat everyone with respect (even though they don't return respect). You don't have to be their friend, parent, or any other liking. You had it right when you stated that you treat them like any other adult. That's the key! If they treat you badly, just do what you would normally do with another adult. I don't know your personality, so I'm not going to give advice on how to react. I treat my skids as I would anyone else in the room. I am NOT their mother; I am NOT out to be their best friend; I DO NOT owe them any special treatment. My SD53 treats me like the bitch she is. I just ignore it; because I value the respect DH gives to me. He knows what is going on, even though we don't talk about it. No amount of talk will change a Father's love for his children. Just keep your relationship healthy with DH; ignore what goes on outside that relationship. DH will respect you for your "mature nature". I learned the hard way, I was trying too hard. Relax and enjoy your DH. Good Luck!

growupalready's picture

This is a really informative

This is a really informative thread. I'm so glad I stumbled across it late last night was I was feeling desperate over the upcoming holiday and the fact that I have to (most likely) spend it with an unpleasant step daughter.

My husband has two grown daughters, 21 and 24. The younger one is fine, we have had a pretty good relationship right from the beginning. It's the older child that has me wanting to bang my head against the wall.

Like so many step daughters (I had no idea how similar these types of people are) she is self centered, inconsiderate and highly insensitive when having any dealings with me. Just to simplify her many unappealing traits:

1. When she visits she only wants to see her dad. I am not invited.
2. She won't travel to our home because it's too far for her - one hour - she makes her father come to her, usually at her mother's house and usually when her mother is home. She never gives up trying to get those two to spend time together.
3. When we got married this past summer her wedding present to us was a framed picture of herself. (I kid you not. I had been wondering how she was going to make our day somehow about her and she outdid herself with that one.)
4. Besides the photo she didn't offer any form of congratulations or display any happiness for her father.
5. Two days after our wedding she texted her father asking him if he knew where her mother's wedding dress might be! (He hasn't lived in that house for five years and really, why the hell should he know where her wedding dress is???)
6. When her father once dared to declare his love for me on FaceBook she immediately texted him the message "what the hell was that?!" and requested to have lunch with him where she proceeded to bitch him out for not also declaring his love for her and her sister.
7. When we do spend a day with her everything seems to go very well. I usually end up feeling hopeful and actually believing that there is hope for a good relationship with her only to have those dreams dashed when a day later she reports every single thing I did wrong. One of my horrible offenses against her was not saving her seat at an event I thought she had left already. The horror!
8. Christmas day two years ago my grandfather passed away. Just 20 minutes after I received the news SD24 had a total meltdown because she didn't want her father and I to stop at her mother's house to pic up the x-mas presents she forgot to bring. It was an epic, full-blown screaming session all because she didn't want me in her mother's house. (Incidentally, I have nothing to do with the end of her parent's marriage. They were divorced for three years before I ever met him.)

The worst part about it all is that everyone thinks this girl is wonderful. No one can believe that she would behave the way I say she does so I often feel like I look like a real jerk. She does everything with a sweet smile on her face and kisses the asses of all the right people. It's maddening!

I could really go on and on and I realize that my stories are not special or unique and that many of you have dealt with much worse for much longer. But somehow it feels good to write them all down and get them out. My husband is like so many, he feels helpless, he worries that he will lose them if he stands up to them. Just this morning I shared with him the ever-growing feeling of dread I feel over the holiday coming up next week. I tried to impress upon him that he needs to put an end to her childish behavior otherwise I don't think I can keep my mouth shut any more. Until now I have remained silent to her face. I haven't wanted to give her any real reason to dislike me. What I now know is that I could be freaking Mother Teresa and she would still find fault in the smallest and most insignificant of things.

So, I am done caring. I am done worrying about her. From here on out it is she who has to win me over. Thanks for letting me share. Smiling

DRAINED AND DON&#039;T KNOW's picture




up2myiballs's picture

I feel your pain! My H,

I feel your pain!

My H, tormented by emotional blackmail, feared loss of love if he challenged his daughter's decision to go to out of state college, even though he had only put enough money away for in state tuition along with all expenses plus spending money. Instead of half of 7K for school, now it was half of 20K per semester!
Being married for only 3 1/2 years, I never talked to nor met his daughter until the 4 months ago at the end of her second semester at this new school. Doing the tour and driving around campus she drops this bomb on us stating that she has to go another term because she didn't have all of her credits. That's another 20K that she so nonchalantly tells about as if it's NO BIG DEAL.

My husband not having the funds pays for her tuition, un-benounced to me, uses 30K of my business funds to pay for her school. Once discovered, I sent her a letter, as if I were talking to an adult, since she is 21, telling her I can't afford to pay for her out of state tuition. But not wanting to leave her stranded, I will pay for one more full semester of in state tuition, plus 400$, but no housing. I told her she had to live at home or get a job. Her extra semester would have to be covered by her BM. The deadline for her answer would be the end of the month.

After the crying phone call to my H, she writes a letter to him stating that "I didn't know that it was her (SM) money that has been paying for school, and because of the the way she (SM) has treated me, I don't think taking any more of her money is a good idea AND that she had NO business to step in and make me out to be an unappreciative naive child. Her words have really hurt me Daddy."

My H told her that that the offer is what it is, since he hasn't had a contract for 2 years and is out of money.

The Step Daughter's 20 year old boy friend sends my husband this letter:

"Do you understand that you owe her this money? You left there family and you ruined her childhood. You owe her this money as someone who did all that and as someone who is trying to be a decent person on this planet.
This is how this is working. You owe her money. So where ever you get that money from isn't of her concern. If you take it from (your wife) than SHE should be yelling at you to pay her back. I you don't want to deal with that then go to a bank and take out a loan.
Thanks for ruining ANOTHER week of (your daughter's) life when you could have been and adult and picked up the goddamn phone."

I couldn't believe what I was reading!

Nonetheless, the SD let the deadline pass.

Now, I harbor so much resentment that I could care less if I ever saw the SD again. This is not what I bought into. I wouldn't have!

Your GREATEST weakness, is an UNGUARDED strength

CarpeOmnia's picture

Boyfriend is a nob. What your

Boyfriend is a nob.
What your husband did in taking your business money to pay for his daughter, without your knowledge is very
low and unconscionable.

Close your wallet.
To all of them.

skeeter's picture

Disengage! Do not let these

Disengage! Do not let these stepkids into your married life or you and DH will be miserable.

I finally let go of all the baggage that "I" let into my life. It took way too long, for me to realize, I didn't ask for this; but I let it into my life. No more and I mean no more.

It has been almost 2 years and it is so...so...nice and peaceful. SD53 and SGD29 still try to cause problems, because "I" let them before, it was like the norm, but now I refuse to let them.

My solution: I am civil, when I am confronted with their presence, and move forward. I AM NOT available and disconnect from the scene, conversation, whatever it takes . I blocked both SD and SGD from my FB, I don't text them, I don't email them, and I only talk to them by phone, if they call and I have to answer the phone. Our home is DH's home too; SD and families are welcome to stop here anytime and visit their Dad and Granddad; but I do not invite them, I do not entertain them, I do not fix family dinners any longer and I have somewhere else to go, so that DH can enjoy them. He goes up the street to visit SD any time he chooses, I do not go. If I get caught here; I make the best of it, but do not tolerate rudeness. I will change the subject or tell them "that was rude". DH knows the situation and doesn't say anything to me, if I put my foot down. I try not to make DH feel uncomfortable, so that is why it's better for me to be busy, when they present themselves. I just keep it all separated from my relationship with DH. Skids will never get into my head again! It's worth the effort.

If I had never let them into my life, I would NOT have to let them out. I was trying to make us all a family, what a mistake. I never tried to be their mother, but a friend; that didn't work either. So all my efforts were "learned" mistakes. I now have a new outlook on it all and it's as if the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel good.

DH has never defended me; it goes over his head. I decided it was poisoning our marriage, and that is what SD53 and SGD29 wanted. Guess what, I have won! We are doing much better and they are mad...mad...mad. Evil

vogue1's picture

I am so pleased I found this

I am so pleased I found this website - I don't feel like it's only happening to me. I have been married to my DH for 15 yrs and he has an 18 year old daughter and 20 year old son. My husbands ex has remarried but she still continues to threaten us with further legal action and manipulates the children. My DH has paid for EVERYTHING - private education, you name it he has paid. He has even been paying his sons university tuition as well as maintenance to his ex whilst the children are in full time education.
He received an email from his son last week saying he was dropping out of uni (been there 1.5 yrs alread)and wanted to do another course at another uni starting in September. He expected my husband to keep paying him to have an easy time until Sept. My husband has told him to get a job or get Job Seekers Allowance. My stepson told my husband that someone should pay for his living expenses!

sandye21's picture

Entitlement runs rampant

Entitlement runs rampant again!

vogue1's picture

I actually told my DH that I

I actually told my DH that I would leave him once our youngest is 18 if the situation does not improve. He is an incredible dad and husband but cannot see anything wrong in his own childrens behaviour. He needs to realise that they are adults now and must be accountable for their own actions. I have had enough now. 17 years is too long to have this amount of stress. We are totally at the mercy of his ex still.
My step daughter has now said that she wants to do another course before trying to get into uni. She has not asked my husband is that is ok she is just expecting him to foot the considable bill. It also means that he still has to pay his ex wife another £15,000 per year if they are in full time education.
Neither of my steps has ever even tried to get a Saturday job - they just expect that money will appear for them. It is sickening.
They have no manners when they are in my home. When they were younger my husband said he would not tell them off whilst they were here because he did not want them to have a bad time when there were here! They are now the product of that upbringing. Rude and ungrateful. Most of the time when they leave they do not even have the manners to say goodbye to me!
My DH is not like this in any other part of his life. He is a very high achieving business man who would never let himself be treated like this.
I do not want to leave him but cannot spend the rest of my life being treated as if my opinions do not count and being too scared to say anything to him about it.
We are seeing someone next week to try to work through this. Maybe she can help my husband get rid of some of the guilt he has carried around with him for so long.
He has changed his email so that any emails that come through from his children do not appear in the regular in-box. I just don't want to know.

Rags's picture

Facts. They are the only way

Facts. They are the only way to deal with this kind of crap. Show DH the facts and outline how you will bring the pain if his spawn do not mend their behavioral crap.

Good luck.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy. Parenting is not a popularity contest. -Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a piece of my life then use your head or

OutOfStep's picture

This forum is great. I've

This forum is great. I've been married for a second time now for 15 years. I have two SC - one SD (32) and one SS (37), both who live nearby. Neither one has ever acknowledged my birthday, our anniversary, etc. Never once have we received a thank you note for gifts. This behaviour has been going on for years. It's obvious that they want their daddy all to themselves.

The SD and I get along ok, but not great. My SS is horrid to me. I finally told my H that I was not going to put up with his negativity in anyway. He is not welcome in our home again when I am present. This has been nearly 2 years. I told my H that he could do whatever with his kids without me - my only request was that these get-togethers would NOT be on Friday or Saturday nights - I consider those our nights to do things as a couple.

Now with texting, they both text my H all the time, including Friday and Saturday evenings asking him if my he would like to join them at some bar or another. Even if we have not made plans to go out, he will tell me about these invitations and ask if it's ok if he could join them!!! Earlier in the day, he would say he didn't really want to make plans because he had too much paperwork to do!!! I'll be darned if I'm going to sit home alone and have him go out with his 'kids' on a Saturday night!!!

The sad part is that neither one of them has a relationship, so they go out together and then ask their daddy to come with them too.

Most of the time he keeps the texts and communications secret from me. To make matters worse, SD just moved 1/2 block away. I'll go to the grocery store and come home, and there will be a note that he's at SD's. Usually SS is also there and they are enjoying a beer together. H also went to a superbowl party at SS's (I of course will not go to those). H said he'd be home shortly after half time. At midnight he was still not home. So I texted him to find out what was going on... Oh they had started a movie and he lost track of time. Right.

Most of the time when they all get together always involves some sort of party or bar with a bunch of other 30 something singles. It makes me very uncomfortable. When I object, he says that I just 'hate his kids' and don't want him to spend time with them. I just don't get any of this.

Anyway, this type of thing has now been going on for over 15 years and I'm trying very hard to just get on with my life and figure out what makes me happy. Unfortunately, my oldest D is out of town and my other D is very involved with other things. The last thing either one of them wants to do is hang out with their mommy several nights a week!

Sorry for the rant.


DRAINED AND DON&#039;T KNOW's picture




DRAINED AND DON&#039;T KNOW's picture




Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I have read so many opinions

I have read so many opinions on here it's enlightening.

I am a Sd n I am a SM. My brother & I had very different views about my step mother.
My brother & my mom had the typical son/mother relationship ~ they were very close. I was Daddy's girl. My mother suffered from cancer for 2 years ~ in the end of my relationship w my mom we grew close. My mother had a heart to heart w me ~ she told me ~ when I am no longer on this earth < whoever your father finds ~ plz respect her. That to me was her dying wish ~ she gave me a wonderful gift ~ such an amazing woman she was. Dad found someone months after mom passed ~ the dating situation was different. Did I want my father to be happy ~ yes. I wanted him to enjoy what part of his life he had left.

My brother harbored resentment ~ he felt like my sm was a gold digger. She was never married before n we lived in the burbs n she was from the city. She never had kids. My brother was hurting n I would have conversation w my sm about how hurt he was when mom passed. My brother believed you get one mother ~ she was my fathers wife. With me my sm would never be my mother ~ but I gave her a grandmother title. My brother did not. To explain his ways was always difficult but I respected my brothers feelings. I just chose another road ~ to enjoy my father for the rest of his living days.

My mothers gift was immeasurable. To simply say ~ she was amazing to hsve the courage to talk about life without her.

Who would ever imagined that I would be in a position to me a SM. My husband passed away almost 6 years ago living me as a widow just approaching my 40's with 4 kids ranging from 14 to 4. My fiancé & I had dated one summer during college ~ be ended our relationship due to me going to college in another state. I in turn married my husband n he dated the BM of his daughter. They broke up n she found out she was preg n 8 years later they married. Divorced 3 yrs later.

The SD loathes me. I gave her everything I gave to my kids. Loved her as my own. She was a little tough around the edges ~ something was very different. Ahhhh haaa she was the apple from her crazy ass mother. BM loathes me ~ not that she loves my fiancé ~ she just feels I m impeading on SD's perfect life w daddy. Bullshit.

She is not welcome in my home for a laundry list of reasons. I will never stop fiancé from having a relationship w her. I just chose for her not to be in my life around my children. She is a mean girl who has harassed n continues to harass my daughter.

Not my shrew to tame ~ nor am I the ring master !!

bedar's picture

well done .................

well done

Girlbiker's picture

So glad to see I am not the

So glad to see I am not the Only one....

So mine is a 6 month relationship.... My BF was divorced last year, he has two daughters 19 and 21, his relationships with them was rocky for a while.. but finally he has gotten them both on the mend, but they have no desire to meet me or interact with me.

His youngest daughter graduated recently and BF was instructed that I was not invited to the graduation or the party, but the ex-wife's brand new BF was there. He went by himself to the graduation and party.

My BF invited to girls to Easter Dinner .. He didn't tell them I was going to be there, so I think they were a little upset, he said it was okay. I think it wasn't.

The youngest played sports in school and I attended some of the games with him, and she actually asked him to not bring me anymore as it was embarrassing to her (I guess the other girls were teasing her) (I am not overweight or unattractive)... We stopped going to the games, and didn't go to the state championship because of it.

I have two children (23 and 19) one out of state and one in the military that comes home on the weekends, both my kids really like my BF and have accepted him as my partner and my son has given his approval.

I am pretty sure the ex-wife has talked a lot of crap to the girls, I just don't know... Im feeling left out.. when they are around I am an outcast.


Sm333's picture

I can really relate! Hi all!

I can really relate!
Hi all! I just found this site. So amazing to see that there are so many stepmoms dealing with the same issues I am. I felt so alone, because none of my gf's have adult stepdaughters. No one can relate to my story.

My situation is this: I met my husband when I was 38 and he was 48. We were married when I turned 41 and he 51. He has four adult children from a marriage in his twenties. Three girls and a boy. He divorced their mother at age 30, when he learned she was cheating on him with another man, on the pretense that she was visiting her mother in another town. She went on to marry this man and had three more children with him. So, my SD's are from a family of 6. The three of them range in age from 27 to 33.

I have no children. I waited until I met the right man, my DH. Unfortunately, he had a vasectomy directly after his 4th child was born, over 20 years ago. He was not a candidate for vasectomy reversal, nor was he really wanting any more children at this point in his life. He now has 7 grandchildren at his current age of 53. I wanted children, though definitely not a deal breaker to marrying him. He is a wonderful man! Yet, everyone knows, including his daughters, that it is a bit of a sore spot for me. He told them this so they would know to be sensitive to it.

I have tried very hard to be accepted by his adult daughters, who all live near us. In these first few years that DH and I have been together, I made every effort to become closer. I always ask them about themselves, take a huge interest in their children, buy them and their kids presents on birthdays and holidays. Yet, I feel no closer to them then day one of our meeting.
These are just a few of the experiences I have had with them:
They never ask me a question about myself that they bother to listen to the answer of. They just talk right over me every time.
They constantly talk about how wonderful it is to be mothers when around me.
They write things on our family IG about how they are total "daddy's girls."
They call my DH daily and always want something from him, which takes a toll on us financially. His girls are all married to men with good jobs and they have more money than we do. Yet, they always ask him to buy them things. Sometimes it's plane tickets!
They never reach out to me, with even a text, regarding upcoming family events. When I text them, they act super surprised that I would be doing that.
They always tell their kids on birthdays and holidays, right in front of me, "look what Papa bought you!" No mention of me at all.
They flaunt how close they feel to my stepson's new wife. They call her often and text her every day. When I alluded to her on a recent visit that they seem to be very close and I wished it were that way with me, she said point blank that they told her they do not want to, because I am married to their dad. Just too hard to share him. Uggghhhh. Just feels so hopeless!
If anyone has any words of wisdom on this situation, or commiseration, please respond. Thanks for reading!

sandye21's picture

I am sharing the collective

I am sharing the collective wisdom I received from this group 3 1/2 years go: Disengage from these mean spirited SDs now. If you read past posts you will find what you are going through is typical for SDs and SMs. It might seem sick, and it is, but it is typical. By the way, a counselor once told me that people 'talk over' other people to invalidate them, but I'm sure you are aware this is what your skids are doing. I went through all the things you wrote about for 20 years before I had enough of it. It is obvious they don't want to be bothered with you, why not return the sentiments? To disengage you quit allowing them emotional space in your brain.

Let DH take care of all birthday and Christmas presents, do not remind him, do not contribute a dime to them. That way when they say, "Look what Papa bought you", you can be glad it's the truth. Without your contribution, they will be wondering why they are not getting as much or why they were forgotten. In fact, if you allow your DH to be responsible for Birthday and Christmas gifts, and remembering them, odds are they may not get anything at all.

When they talk about how wonderful it is to be mothers around you, just say, "Hmmm", nothing else. I don't know what a family IG is, but you can write how you are Daddy's 'total wife'.

The way I took care of the 'ATM Daddy' problem was to get DH to agree to pay for all expenses of his family (including SD) and I would pay for mine. Again, don't contribute a dime. Would they pay for YOUR plane ticket? Don't text them anymore. They will never see you as family so why waste your time?

One important thing - your DH has a role in this by not insisting the skids show you respect as his wife or in your home. Don't allow it. I know I sound harsh but you are outnumbered and they are bullying you. It is all about emotional and mental survival. Good luck and (((HUGS))).

AVR1962's picture

You are not being unfair for

You are not being unfair for setting boundaries for yourself. Let me give you an example that happened with us so hopefully you can understand this better. My husband divorced his first wife and he hired an attorney and won full custody of their sons. She asked if he would consider letting her have the boys once she re-established herself and he said he would consider it. She left state and found her new life, got busy with that and made no contact with boys for nearly 2 years. The boys were 2 & 4 when she left.

I entered the picture after husband had been divorced for 3 years. His ex did not know anything about me til almost a year after we were dating. Once she found out I was in the picture (we did not know one another) she came unglued. She wanted her sons, she did not want anyone else raising them, she was angry with husband and she did just what you described your partner's ex has done. She told lies and did everything she could to destroy any kind of relationship I could have with the boys.

I called her one day and told her the boys were suffering from the hostility and what would be best for them would be for her and I to get along and for her and my husband to try to work towards what was best for the boys. She would not hear me. Her mind-set was to gain custody of her sons, she wanted no one else in the picture.

Meantime my ex remarried and my girls had some issues with their new stepmom. I called her, I supported her, I tried to make a friendship with her and she was accepting. If the kids complained about her I tried to help them understand her reasoning, I never said a bad word about her and we were always friendly towards each other.

This is 25 years later now and the result of all of this is that husband has very little contact with his sons. His ex was very cunning and manipulative. The boys sought her out for a relationship. I have no relationship with the boys who were allowed to disrespect me, and have not for several years. My ex and his second wife divorced after 19 years marriage but my girls still have a good relationship with their stepmom and they consider her grandmother to their children and I support that. My daughters have a relationship with their stepdad who I never allowed them to disrespect.

What I am saying here is that your partner and his ex need to let the children know that they accept you so the kids can accept a relationship with you. The children have to come to terms with their parents' divorce and with not coming to terms and creating issues she is doing her children an injustice. I tried to get my husband to talk to his ex to try to help her see they needed to work together to help the boys but there was so much hard feelings and he refused any conversation. As a result the boys sided with bio mom and gave her support, even though it should have been the other way around.

If the parents cannot let their children love you/accept you and are unwilling to support you, all you can do is save your own sanity.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Well, OP, here goes. I would

Well, OP, here goes. I would never accept any behavior from steps that I would never accept from my own DD. Just because DD is mine would make no difference. For those step-adults who want to have a nice, pleasant, family relationship with you, go for it. But for those vicious ingrates, have nothing to do with, cut them off, do nothing for them and ban them from your home.

You deserve respect, whether a stepmother or not. Those that refuse to give you respect are not worthy of your time.

Samantha Oscar's picture

my husband was always

my husband was always cheating on me and even spends nights out. sometimes he even leave for the entire week end, pretending that he has work, but i know he just go meet women, my life was lame until, i asked robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com to cast a spell for me. so that my husband can be a good man and after his spell, my husband changed automatically, he now spends much more time with me and the kids and we're a family again,

SugarSpice's picture

you are not alone in how you

you are not alone in how you feel.

it is clear skids have been poisoned by bm. one word of advice: disengage. your are trying to win their love by being nice. it wont happen. do not allow yourself to be a doormat to their bad attitude. develop your own interests. do not attend events with dh if it means you are treated poorly.

if your husband does not have the balls to support you disengage from him too.

Miss T's picture

It's been said before, but

It's been said before, but I'll say it again: THANK YOU for this forum! I now know that I'm not losing my mind or my bona fides as a halfway decent human being.

The Mister is a great dad, and truthfully there's nothing horribly wrong with his son. He's 22, and is here only a very small part of the time--alternate weekends when he was in high school and now on breaks between college semesters. But I've come to dread these visits. Much as I understand his feelings, it is hard to be in close quarters with someone who hates you. And the kid has been here for the entire summer, 3 long months now.

The Mister and I rarely fight, but it's been one thing after another for these past 3 months. I was not asked if a 3-month stay would be OK. I was simply told that the boy needed a place to stay, and my home is my son's home blah blah blah. The boy's mother rents a room in a crazy cat lady's house, so she has no place for him. For some reason the Mister thought 3 months here was not only OK but actually would work out great. He was so wrong. I've been doing a slow burn the entire summer. At one point I was told that if I couldn't make his son feel welcome, they both were leaving. I nearly took him up on it.

But I've mostly managed to keep my temper, and except for a few relatively minor incidents my complaints have been few and presented calmly. After a few weeks of my persistently pointing out the problems, The Mister actually reined the kid in. It's still miserable, and I'm hanging on for dear life until he goes back to school in 10 days.

A big part of the problem is that, 12 years on, the boy's mother hasn't really reconciled herself to the divorce. She rained hell on the Mister when he moved in with me because it was so unfair to their son. Their son. Sure. The Mister, as much as he generally operates in good faith, doesn't fully grasp how this affects the kid, who--thank you forum, for validating and clarifying this--even without his mother egging him on would resent and dislike me.

Sorry, but the feeling is mutual. Despite everyone's having more or less kept a lid on the worst of it, SS's long visit this summer has been tremendously damaging to my relationship with his Dad. It's going to take a lot of patience and work to put Humpty together again. We've been together for 7 years now and have talked about getting married in the next year, but these months have given me very cold feet. I don't want to be stuck in this dynamic forever. Plus, I am the one who brought assets into the relationship--he was dead broke--and MY lawyer will know to make the prenup watertight because this kid hates me and will go after everything he can get his hands on out of pure spite. And I may just decide not to marry his Dad at all. I am that angry and disgusted.

All this drama even though apart from that one ugly incident The Mister has been reasonable and mostly does have my back. It's hard to imagine what some of you all are going through. Good luck, and thank you again.

Miss T's picture

"My stepkids have for the

"My stepkids have for the most part always been indifferent to me. On occasion they have even been rude or condescending as well.

"They can barely bring themselves to say hello, let alone hold any form of conversation with me.

"When they visit, they treat me almost as though I don't exist, although I can be in the same room as them."

What is it with these people? Are they all reading from the same script, or what? Does Skid Central send out a playbook when the parent of a pathetic, long-suffering COD, finds another partner?

Yeah, I went through this as well. I said to DH, and this is a fairly direct quote, "He doesn't say hello to me when he comes into the house, or good-bye when he leaves. At the very least, I would like some notice about when people are coming and going in my house."

Now I get "Hello" when skid comes in, and "Good bye" or even (during those horrible extended visits) "See you later" when he leaves.

That, and nothing more.

Well, that's what I asked for, right? Smiling

skeeter's picture

Kate: Hope things are better

Kate: Hope things are better for you since you've posted this in 2009.

Since I posted last, I handled my situation with my SD55 and SGD30 exactly like Sara101 handled it. Very good advice, and at least I know I am on the best track possible by reading the advice on this site.

Sometimes I read it over and over. Your mind is in control, so busy yourself and don't think about the adult stepkids or your BH and what they are saying or doing. That is the only advice I can add to all the good advice that Sara gave you.

Stay on this site when it gets rough; you know you are not alone. I hate being lonely, but it is part of disengagement; update us on how it has been going.

((((((hugs)))))) for the holidays!

happy3rd's picture

I have been married to my

I have been married to my husband for 12 years. We met in 1984 and fell in love in 1986; we were both still married and each had three kids, girl-boy-girl order for both, his all one year older than each of mine. His then wife was a mess emotionally and totally overwhelmed with having three kids, one of whom was a boy and she 'was afraid of him' (when he was 2). My husband slept in the basement after the kids went to bed for years, off and on for months at a time. She was full of phobias, was a hoarder, thought 'sex was something men do to women' and coped with Valium. They married at 18 because she was pregnant and before the wedding lost the baby. He married her anyhow; that's what you did back then. MY marriage to my high school sweetheart was awful. He was as emotionally and verbally very abusive, stayed out increasingly and frequently all night, drank increasingly too much, and I found out later, cheated almost from the beginning of our marriage. I didn't know about the cheating; I just knew ten years into the marriage, after he told me when I pleaded with him to do anything to show him that I mattered to him and he said he couldn't 'help me out' and also told me finally he didn't love me and didn't care if it was him or me who left, that I had been fooling myself staying in this one sided 'arrangement'. When I met the man I am now married to, we both knew as if it hit us like lightening, that this was it. But that seemed too ridiculous. We barely knew each other when he told me he thought he loved me. I did NOT believe in love at first sight and really, I don't even now. I actually have NO great advice to anyone regarding relationships because on the surface everything we did was totally stupid and wrong and out of order. I guess the only good thing I could tell anyone would be wait until you are older to decide you are really and truly ready to make a marriage and childbearing decision (I mean upwards minimally of 25; you grow very much in your 20's). Then I guess I would say really, trust your gut. Good and bad. And NEVER believe someone will 'do better' or that you can 'help' them or that what you see ISN'T what you are going to get. Do NOT move in and form a couple before you have a commitment, because then you end up trying to make it fit (although I didn't do that I see it all the time - moving in is not a commitment).
Anyway, once my husband who I thought could have cared less noticed I was done with him, and he spied on me and checked up on me, he found out I had met someone. I was like the trash on the curb that he didn't want till someone drove by and began loading it into their car. He then decided IT was his.
At that point he called my now husband's crazy wife. Told her I was --- her husband. Then he left with a gun and I had no idea to where. So I called the man I am now married to and told him, who in turn called his wife and confessed that he loved me, that HE pursued me, that none of this was my fault, etc. AND that my husband had a gun and was missing! So. The wife called me. I was (rightfully so, I guess) told I could have him and to burn in hell. It was terrible. SHE was the one who told me that he said it was all his doing and fault and that he loved me. We ended it all at that point, but I never stopped loving this man. We both just couldn't see how our kids would have ANYONE to respect if we got married to each other. Their other two parents were hot messes and they would have bad mouthed us to kingdom come. We walked away from it, totally in love with each other and tried to move on.
We both had tons of counseling. Meanwhile my ex continued to stalk me (we did get divorced), tap my phones, have me followed, called my work and harassed me. He put our life savings into a Swiss bank account and left me with three young kids to support and quit paying support to me (he was self employed, of course). And he basically divorced his kids except for badmouthing me when he did -rarely - see them. I was afraid of him. I did think for a while, since he seemed hell bent on destroying me now that I had dumped him, that he would kill me. Or kidnap my youngest child, who was only about 4 at the time.
Eventually I met a man at my job who was a nice man, never had children, seemed to be a good guy, who fell madly in love with me. I was really numb emotionally. Dead. Didn't want to think beyond today. Not in anyway myself, who I am today. My oldest daughter was always sassy and was about 11 when her dad was gone for good. She missed him and remembered when she spent time with him. The other two kids never wanted to see him anymore. He scared them. My daughter was in my face, really coming out of her skin at times. I didn't consider sending her to her dad's an option; he would not have done the right thing by her. But I also had to work. I had to pay bills and parent these kids. My job, the job that I had to have to be able to support them, required travel. I couldn't see how I could raise this rebelious kid being gone so much. And this guy wanted to help me. I really needed that at the time. Out of the blue within six months he proposed. He wanted to buy me an engagement ring and I didn't want one! That should tell you something. And I asked him not to tell anyone. The HR director was a woman he had dated who had a thing for him. I knew she'd be jealous and I didn't know for sure I was going to go through with this as soon as I said I would marry him. He told everybody. She did retaliate and it affected my employment which became difficult. He talked me into quitting work for the summer till we got married and be home with my kids. That was the hook. I was in it up to my eyeballs. He also moved into my house, although we slept in different rooms. I did not want my almost teenaged daughter to see me living with a guy under her nose. But now, he was in the house.
So we did get married. Within six months he lost his job. I found out he had genital herpes which he had not told me about. I found out he'd been with about 400 people before me too! He drank like a fish, was deluded about what next big thing was going to come along, he did drugs (not around me or the kids but I found out). I ended up being the main bread winner, consistently getting better jobs and bringing in the most steady income. I knew I had made a really bad mistake. But I didn't want to put the kids through another divorce,we had moved out of town and bought a house before things it the fan and it continued to pile up. I do not deny it was my own doing. STUPID. I never trusted myself to be able to do what I had to do on my own and thought he would help. Ha! What a joke. We stayed married for a long time. Strangely we were friends who never, ever should have gotten married. I did like him but he drove me crazy. When my youngest daughter went to college, we both had known for a long time we would divorce. He moved to another state, we sold our house and I rented a condo.
About the time I sold the house, I got a call from the man I had met 17 years before. He had contacted my sister who gave him my number. He too had gotten married and it was a disaster. She was wealthy, looked down on him for not going to an Ivy League school and was not nice to his kids. It lasted from start to finish 4 years, 2 of which were spent going through an acrimonious divorce. My divorce was not nasty. My second husband had a lot of college friends who were attorneys. I had lost everything the first time and we remained enemies forever. I didn't want that again. My second husband still cared for me; he's just basically - despite the fact that he speaks several languages and has a college degree and has worked for some great companies - an old hippie at heart, loves his pot and drinks, could live in a box if he had funds to travel and doesn't get being 'domestic'. He made mess after mess financially and I knew he would drag me down with him if I stayed. We split everything - our lawyer was 'our' lawyer and drew up the papers for both of us. He said he was used to people fighting and it went against his grain but he admired how nice we were to each other.
When my now husband called, he told me about his son, whom he had always been concerned about, being convicted of a serious criminal offense that resulted in hard time. He was heart broken and I was the person he wanted to talk to. He asked me if I was single and I said yes, he said he was too. We met again and knew we had always loved each other. About a year later we got married.
I knew when I married him a lot of people would think I had jumped for the third time into marriage. It was embarrassing since both of us are the type of people who would have wanted to marry for life. But you cannot 'hitch your buggy to a nag if you want to win the race' as my dad said.
We decided at the onset that faith had to be in the center of our relationship, we talked about every dime we had and our debt (really lack of it), what our expectations were about how we'd deal with our kids. We knew it was going to be hard with them but had no idea how hard. We just knew they would never come between us. We both felt we'd sacrificed for them from the beginning, they all but one finished college and had starts in life and were loved and supported.
We are truly an exception when it comes to never letting our kids get in the middle of our relationship. We'd be over if we did. But the price we have paid is a very fractured family. VERY. I have no relationship with two grown daughters, instigated mostly by the one I always had issues with as far as her mouth and behavior were concerned. I do believe she is bipolar and will stop at nothing, including lying to get her way. She tore up a family holiday six years ago; my son has refused to have anything to do with her since and my other daughter believed the lies my daughter told her about what transpired, making us all look bad to justify her behavior. She has also berated her husband relentlessly, who has kowtowed to her all of the time they have been together (comes from money). I hate to say this but she is her father's child. Narcissistic and mentally wrong. And she has torn us up.
Things are great with my son and his wife and their child. For both my husband and for me. We adore all of them and there is no drama. This has made things understandably worse with his kids, the girls in particular. But his oldest is almost as bad as my daughter (of course they despise each other!) and creates problems with the youngest daughter. His son is ok too; it's just that with his background I know he is a manipulator. But for whatever reason, he is much easier for me than any of the girls to get along with.
And here is the kicker. His first wife, who told me to take him and burn in hell, and I get along fine. Our differences have resolved although not before she badmouthed me to the kids forever. There are many personal things my husband cannot say to them about why he and their mother didn't work. But I was painted as the REASON. That isn't even close. Also when we got married our two youngest daughters talked and his daughter told my daughter that we'd been having an affair all of those years that we were not! Her mother told her that. It created a lasting chasm between my daughter and me. I am so appalled and hurt that she could even believe this.
His girls are terrible to me. His oldest really bad. It will never get better and I am sure of that. We have made sure our will is set up and our executor and caregivers all set so it's as clear as it can be.
She says she is coming to visit soon. She has stood us up before. I think I will find someplace to go. My husband understands. This stuff is NOT for people who are not ironclad devoted and in love. Anyone wanting to marry someone with kids better have an idea of the fact that there is a lot of hell to go through. I think especially with female step kids, even if they are grown up.

SOSchendlinger's picture

I have been married for 4

I have been married for 4 years and with my husband for a total of eight. I have 3 skids. Two girls, one boy. I get along with the eldest girl, the other 2 are psychotic. The youngest girl loves to call me the c word. After reading everyone's comments in this forum, I am relieved to know I am not alone. I've taken everyone's advice and I am not going to interact with these sick,psychotic adults. Thank you everyone.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I, too use to try to make

I, too use to try to make things work with my Twit. Out of 3 adult steps, only this one is a pain to say the least.

She wasn't too bad when we lived hundreds of miles away, but I did notice some strange things. DH use to poo poo me about them. And then when we moved closer (Twit manipulated DH, and me to move closer so she could help us out as we got older, etc. Boy, time has shown that was a crock) she started showing her real colors. After years of DH telling me to suck it up, etc., she didn't mean it (yes she did), etc., I threw him out. THAT got his attention and we went into counseling where he had his eyes opened wide. The tie between her will probably never be broken as he knows she has PROBLEMS (I'll say) and IMHO is unstable and vicious (something that is hard for him to actually face).

Things are much better than they were, but I still live looking over my shoulder waiting for this cretin to make her next move. She is, IMHO, absolutely nutz. Goes ballistic at the drop of a hat. Once she asked me where I got something. I told her that "it was mine from long before I met her Father..(I was going to add that I didn't remember exactly where it came from)". She got all teared up, started bawling and accused me of saying she was stealing it! Oh how she went on and on. Back then DH chastised me because Twit told him I was accusing her of saying it was hers! This is typical for Twit. I call it Twit speak, comes out of no where and makes no sense.