Blendermom's picture

StepMom blog

I have a different blog, but I refuse to write about Stepfamily stuff there, for the most part, because I want it to be happy stuff.. Stepfamily life isn't really happy.

So I wanted to start a new blog about Stepmomming.. one where I can let it all hang out.

This is it.

Dawn's picture

You've Come to the Right Place!

Go for it Blendermom! Let it all hang out. The good, the bad and the ugly!

Maybe we can give some helpful advice and if we can't we are still here to listen!!

Welcome!!

Dawn

SympatheticBioDad's picture

Well, maybe not the ugly...

I just ate lunch! Smiling

Welcome Blendermom!

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People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
Cool

Jim L's picture

My wife is a step mother

Help!
I need help for two reasons. The least important is the fact that I have never been on a blog before and have no idea what BLOG even means. The most important is that I have three children (I am the Dad) and my wife; the most important one in my wife believes that the children don't care anything about her. My daughter who is the oldest has not been here in a year. She is away at school. My middle one (the one she apparently dislikes the most) is in basic training for the Army and will be home on Friday. The youngest is a junior. None of them live with us. My children are coming for Christmas and already the problems with my wife have begun. She has decided now to move out because "they couold be coming to stay and you never taught them to respect me." We have been to an expert in the field and I have read book after book and am caught in the middle. This morning was just another of one of those shouting matches. I am 60 years old and my wife is 58. She is a professional and tops in her field. She is gone every other weekend on business. I would say that "everything" that has to do with the kids is a problem but that might be an exageration. My wife can push my buttons and does when she wants to get under my skin. I love her beyond anything else in my life and could not begin to imagine being without her. I stand in the driveway when I think she is about to come home just to see her face as she drives in. But let one word about my children come out of my mouth and she can almost fly into a rage about all the things that are wrong with them and how it isn't their faul, it is mine for not teaching them to respect her. Here is a list (I could be shot for doing this) of the things that are disrespectful of her:
Not letting me know when my son is leaving the house.
My son watching television and I am outside doing yardwork.
Leaving dirty dishes in the sink.
Leaving dirty clothes in the closet.
Not making his bed.
Me telling him about things that my wife gets upset about behind her back and not so she can hear me telling him.

Now there is a problem with me going to the airport to pick him up as he will be on leave from basic training. He said "when you come up" didn't mean the both of us. It only meant me. This was in a letter. When he wrote that he would like a lot of family to come up but if I couldn't get his brother and another good friend tocome to the airport that my wife and I were fine. She said about this that she wasn't going to plan "second fiddle to anyone and wasn't going to the airport on Friday to greet him."

Am I missing something?

Can anyone help me through this?

Jim

sabreena's picture

thanks Jim for expressing

thanks Jim for expressing yourself so candidly. I am a stepmom to 2 boys, ages 23 and 19. I have been with my husband for 10 yrs so the boys were in our house 1/2 time during those years. they continue to come home for visits. I can relate to all you are saying about your wife as I have experienced all the same things. I do not feel supported by my husband when I tell him things I do not like about his kids behaviors or about the way he parents them (very permissive and they manipulate him constantly, no never means no they can talk him into anything). I have no voice or ability to express my opinion or influence behavior. this is so frustrating! when they are home, nothing is expected of them and I clean up after them, buy groceries, make dinners etc. but get nothing in return. my husband acts like this is all just supposed to happen with no expectation from them to at least even take out the garbage. if I say anything, the response from my husband is either "Well, you tell them" (so now I am the bad guy) or "I don't think it matters if they do that and I don't agree with it" (in other words, your opinion doesn't matter) they have always been the priority. I think this is the hardest because you just want to know you are first in your husband's life sometimes. your wife needs to feel INCLUDED!! for me, when I entered the picture, there was a strong family culture that had been established with my husband, his wife and the 2 boys-- they have inside jokes, pet names, and a certain philosophy that I do not share. this makes me feel very excluded so much of the time. although the boys are grown now, I frequently consider leaving my husband (who I love very very much) because of the tension when they do visit and because I do not feel understood by my husband in this area. he takes it for granted that I should just accept these kids as my own when I have no real role in their lives. I hope this helps with your wife!

Blendermom's picture

Thanks for the welcome..

Thanks for the welcome.. I'll post some more information in a bit.. it's a long, complicated story.. and it stinks Sticking out tongue

nunzia's picture

is it really all bad?

so far, it's working well for me.. unofficial as it may be.

Dawn's picture

Everyone has a different situation

It all depends on the individuals involved. Some people have good experiences and some don't.
I, myself, have ups and downs.
While my stepson needs to have contact with his bio mom, a lot of the problems that we have are directly related to her.
I think that we would have it easier if everybody could work towards doing what is best for my stepson. That doesn't always happen.

Dawn

Heather 's picture

Hi Dawn,I'm new to this

Hi Dawn,

I'm new to this site and was wondering if you had any recommendations for a book for my 10-year-old stepdaughter. We have a good relationship, but have many of the classic problems of difficulty transitioning between two environments. My husband and I have 2 biological children together and I love being a mom. I love my stepdaughter, but I don't like being a stepmom.

My stepdaughter seems to think there is no difference between my relationship with her and the one she has with her mom. She doesn't understand or want to accept that our relationship is different than the ones that I have with my natural children, especially my little girl who is almost 4.

Thanks for your help!

I want a resource that will help her to understand and accept the differences in a positive way that won't hurt her feelings.

Sweetie's picture

Perspective

I can say that I have seen two drastically different perspectives in relationship to both of my stepchildren. With my stepson, things got so bad, that at 15 my husband caught him manipulating and conniving with his biomom, and so he made his choice to live with biomom because he couldn't live by our house rules. He tried college for a year, flunked out, and then tried his Dad's idea of joining the AF and left without telling us last year. He wrote us from basic camp asking for help and forgiveness. Unfortunately, stepdaugher, seems to be exactly mirror image of biomom, completely rebellious. It is like I do not know this girl at all. More like Jekyll and Hyde, I can hardly believe it. She has completely turned on my husband and I over two years ago, causing great aggravation and court costs because she could not get her own way. Thought she was going to run our home by her rules--not going to happen. Previously she had been on shared custody with alternating two week visitation. She acted like a completely spoiled brat. Merely wanted to destroy Dad's relationship with me and is disturbed that she was not able to do so. My husband and I only stayed in the local area because of the children, but after stepdaughter decided that she was going to stay with her Mom full time and suddenly had no use for us, job opportunitity unfolded for spouse to accept civilian PCS out of state and start over away from ex spouse and get some distance. Moved to GA last December and have been ill with pneumonia for two months. My dog that I adored suddenly with into convulsions and subsequently had a stroke two weeks ago. We had to put him down. The only thing that you can count on with your stepchildren is constant change. Savor the sweet moments. The bitter ones do hurt, I can't say they don't. But you can't depend on the parents to do what's going to be best for the kids. For some reason, my husband's ex, keeps thinking she needs to have this buddy image and be cool, instead of being a real parent, and that's not helpful in the end. Later in life, your stepchild may realize you were trying to do him/her a favor. I know my stepson did. We had a long talk about a month on the phone about a month or so ago and I was pretty shocked with the things he told me. For some reason, his Mom has this innate reason to disparage and be mean about everything my husband and I try and do that is kind. Just hold your head up high.
The rest of us are behind you as we have been where you are now.

Regards, Sweetie

alaw1981's picture

Wow thank you Sweetie for

Wow thank you Sweetie for this insight. I am a new step mom so not sure what to expect. I have been very careful around his kids. I am afraid his kids especially the girl will turn out like yours...and the ex is just like her, keeps this buddy image instead of parent image. I am not sure why so many of those people have the same characteristics?? And it is the children that suffer.

Blendermom's picture

It's not the kid that makes

It's not the kid that makes it hard - it's her parents and the fighting. More specifically, her Mother let's SD get away with Whatever, and I mean WHATEVER she wants. She's dropped out of school, drinks, does drugs and mom makes excuses for her. It's very upsetting to my DH.

virginia's picture

Driving me crazy

Having a 15 year old girl living in the house is bad enough. Having her mother who is 38 act just like her is really bad. They get together and the stepdaughter forgets everything that dad has taught her. mom wants to be friends instead of a parent, everything we do is questioned or ignored and now the daughter is ignoring us and miss treating her dad too. How can you give discipline to a 15 year old for not respecting her father when her mom does it too? I really hate seeing my husband mistreated and these two women. They are all driving me crazy!!

Melissa's picture

Been the stepdaughter- now getting ready to be the step mom.

I am really glad I found this site.

After growing up in a blended family which was extremely hard, My step-mother was a complete bitch and I am sure I was a bitch right back to her. I truly sit back in amazement of how her and my father pulled it off. Now I understand. Through the years we have worked on our relationship and she is now one of my best friends. I am now going to be getting married to a wonderful man who has three really amazing children. The kids seem to be doing great! The oldest, he is about to turn 15, (J) she is 11, and (E) he is 8.
But I do not think they realize just how hard this will be for them.
We have had our wedding date planned for the past three months. And the kids are really excited. However-- H.(the oldest) is seeing a psychiatrist(due to his withdrawl from school activities, smoking pot a few times and on goings with him never feeling good.
His father and I attend sessions in order to make sure we know how to best be there for him emotionallly, physically and mentally.
Two months ago the doctor recommend that we not get married b/c H. was having a most difficult time. After we all met a few times the doctor agreed that it would be in H.'s best interest that we do get married.
Then he stated that he really does not need anymore change at present time after we get married.
Now here is were it gets good. The first of July--His mother(38) annouces that she is getting married to her boyfriend(26) three wee ks before our wedding date. They met on line (through her ever public blog site in March)------The kids are going back to school this next month. Their father is getting remarried. Now their mother is getting remarried. Their mother and her fiance just bought a house that they will be moving into at the first of the month of Sept.
And the kids are "fine", "I am good.", "everything is ok."
I am hearing all of these things. But the truth is I am not seeing it. Actions speak louder than words. But is this the right assumption? I do not know. I am just going with my gut instinct.
I just know that when my parents got remarried, it was fun at first. Then it was not fun for several years after that. I am the only one out of the ex-wife, her soon to be husband, and my soon to be husband that has never been married before, (yes, did I mention the 26 year old just got his divorce finalize the first of May) and that has grown up in a blended family. I truly do not think that anyone knows how hard this will be on the kids...........
I am scared for them. The only thing I know to do is listen, and talk with them on a continued basis.
The ex-wife has her own very public blog site. She is an advocate for breastfeeding and for attachment parenting. (She has written a book on the subject). She writes about C. (my soon to be husband) and myself on certain occasions. And she allows horrible things to be written about him by her public for the children to see.
He is an amazing father! Hence one of the reasons I love this man so.
When their divorce was almost final he started dating someone and then she wanted him back. He said no. After several attempts (on his part)to get back with her before that were shot down. And for the last four years she has written several public blogs, articles about how he cheated on her. This was just not the case. So every once in a while she will write something about him. And her "public" who do not even know him or the truth. Slam him on her blog.
He has asked her several times to not allow this b/c the children read it and it upsets them. That is what they say to us and when they come home they ask about it. She then goes off in a tangent about how he/we are trying to censor or take away her freedom of speech. That is not what we intend to do. If we had a blog(which we dont) we would never allow someone to bash her b/c she is the kids mother. No matter if we agree with what the public writes or not. We just ask the same in return. She is a small public figure in the small town we live in and she has even put her new house on her blog for the world to see (address # and street name) This is a concern. Not to mention her posting numerous pictures of the kids and what they are doing. The kids tell us that they do not like it when she does this. But she says that she asks them about it and they say they don't care. They tell her one thing and us something completely different.
And thus it starts. They are kids. They are not going to tell all of us the same thing. We get that.
As you all can probably tell I am at a loss..........I am frustrated and pissed off.
I am trying to do the best I can with this woman. But she is a narcissitic, borderline, highly functional type.
Thank you for this web site. Any words of wisdom would be so helpful.
I know the most important guideline- Never say a negative thing about their mother in front of the kid. I try to put myself in their shoes on a continue basis. I have been there and continue to still go through it with my mother and stepmother.
I just need to hear what others are going through................
Again thank you for this site.

LowOnTheDramaMeter's picture

Unbelievable

Ladies I don't see how you do it! I will soon become a bonafide stepmom later this year. I'm marrying a man with 2 kids. When we were just friends he would share with me some of the issues he had with the biomom. However, I don't think I really could appreciate all that he was going through until now. In my situation the biomom decided that after their 2nd child was born she had 'missed out' on life and wanted to hang out with her friends and meet people. That is difficult to do when you're married with 2 children. Needless to say online dating, a couple of affairs, and late night partying are a clear way to get a divorce appointment. As soon as the divorce came she remarried, had her 3rd child with the new hubby (did I mention he was one of the ones she had an affair with) and 2 years later is expecting another. My fiance told me these things and I wasn't inclined to believe until I saw the evidence. The diaries she left when she moved out, the emails and notes from other men, picts she left. But, she decided to leave and move on. That's fine. Except for the fact she calls my fiance to complain about how unhappy her life is now. I don't get it. To compound the issue the childern (12 and 7) are confused and lacking some basic foundation issues. They are becoming master manipulators, liars, and not very pleasant.

As I mentioned I don't know how this will work out. My fiance is a wonderful man and no, I don't think his ex was the cause of everything that went wrong in their marriage. But, this is freaking unbelievable sometimes. You really have to have had the experience to truly appreciate all that a stepmom goes through. My hats off to many of you sticking with it. I just don't think it's necessary for one person (a mother at that) to cause so much drama.

Lissa's picture

Trying to figure it out

Hello! I'm new to the site. First day actually and as I've read so many of the blogs I notice how so many say how "amazing" and "wonderful" their stepkids or soon to be stepkids are and I'm trying to understand how I get to that point. I honestly have no reason to dislike my stepson. He's a good kid, causes no problems, except for the typical 10 yr old outbreaks but other than that I should be like most of you ladies and saying how much I am so in love w/ my stepson.
He's been in my life going on 7 yrs. His dad and I have been married for almost 4. He was never married to his sons mom but she has caused us GREAT!!!! GREAT!!! problems financially and just problems period I try to tell myself that I allow what she has done to us to effect my relationship w/ my stepson. I hate it! I really want to finally break free and be able to wrap my arms around him and love him as if he was my own. But it's so hard for me to do. At times I think I just don't think I let myself.
So many emotions go through me. I try to be happy and do things w/ him but it doesn't take much for me to just want to be left alone and hide in my room and be left alone.
I've admitted to myself that I believe I just have a heart issue and only myself and God can fix it. Which I know is true it's just taking some time and a little harder than I expected.
How do I get out of this rut? How do I just allow myself to love this child as if he truly was mine? Like I've said he's a good kid, but then why do I have such a hard time loving him like I feel like should after so many years.
Anyway, this is not even the tip of the iceberg but it's what I've been feeling today since I've read so many of your blogs that have praise and good things to say about your stepchildren or to be stepchildren.
I just feel like I should be so much further in my relationship w/ him by now.

Anyway, just frustrated......

Joan Karlins's picture

Your not alone

I have been a step-mom to my husband's son for ten years. He is a great young man, but he's not mine. I don't have the feelings for him that I have for my own children, or the child my husband and I have together. For a long time, I thought it was jealousy over his Mom's financial success. I don't believe that anymore. He has a Mom and it isn't necesassary for me to love him as I do my own.

Universal Momma's picture

Lissa your not alone!!!!

I am in the EXACT same situation and I am looking for some support! I also have a 10yr old stepson that I can't seem to bond with. I could use some advice.

Stepmom929's picture

Can't seem to bond...

I completely understand what you are all talking about. I've been married to my husband for 3 years and his 6 year old son lives with us full time. His biomom sees him rarely, but when she does see him she showers him with love and affection. He is a wonderful kid, I really don't think he could be a better, sweeter little boy. He tells me all the time how much he loves me. I always say it back but I don't think I mean it. I just can't seem to open up to him. It's like there is some wall up between us that I can't break down. I'm 5 months pregnant with my first child now and I already feel SO much more of a bond to this unborn child than I have ever felt for my stepson. I don't get a warm feeling when he wants to be affectionate and sit with me or hug me...I just feel numb. His biomom has caused my husband and I stress in the past, but really doesn't anymore. I thought that once my husband got full custody and the drama was over with the biomom I would relax and start to accept him as my own. Not only did he get full custody but biomom didn't even put up a fight. She actually thanks me all the time for my role in her son's life, I really can't complain about her. I don't think she's a good mother but she really doesn't give us a hard time. On top of that I LOVE my husband SO much. So with all of this I can't figure out why I can't open up to this child. I just ordered a book about step-mothering that I am hoping will help me understand some of my feelings, but I am glad I found this blog. I am so comforted that there are others who feel this way. My friends and family always tell me what a great stepmom I am, but they don't know that I feel like I'm faking it most of the time. I heard something on the radio the other day - some people were discussing a woman who was mean to her stepson while he was growing up and one of the people said "She isn't obligated to love him but she should at least be courtious and caring"....although I felt some relief that maybe stepparents AREN'T obligated to love their stepchildren, I also felt such a sadness that it's possible that I might live with this child for the next 12+ years and never really love him? Is that possible? I am just afraid somehow I am bringing on this inability to love him and I don't know how to turn it off..........I'd love to hear any feedback or wisdom out there...

gobble's picture

OK, maybe I'm not such a bad person

I know what you mean by that 'numb' feeling. I try to make myself want to hug her, snuggle with her, love her, but it doesn't work. I've been her stepmom since she was 2, and she's a good kid. But I always feel like a mean person because I cannot love her like I love my own 2 kids. In fact, I don't know that I love her at all. Aside from her annoying habits (which I think are normal for an 8 yr-old), she doesn't cause us any problems. Even her mother is good to us. But, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't be too sad if she were to never come for a visit again. I don't want to feel this way. She deserves to feel loved by her family and I want her to grow up secure and confident (every kid deserves that). I think kids are perceptive; I'm sure she can tell the difference in how I treat my own kids (I want to squeeze them and kiss them all the time). It grosses me out when she wants a sip of my drink, yet I have no problem with my own kids putting their slobber all over it. I try to pretend to be affectionate for her, but I wonder if she can tell it's forced. I don't know what it would take to make me feel differently.

frustratedwith13yearolds's picture

troubles with a teenager stepson

I have been with a man for almost 3 years, and have lived together for 2.5 years. He has a 13 year old son who lives with us full time, and a 6 year old son, who lives with his mom fulltime, except in the summer. I have a daughter who will be 4 soon, who calls my bf daddy as she knows no different as her biodad is not in the pic.
Anyways, for the past 1.5 years, B, the oldest has given me problems. As of late he has taken to writing letters to his dad on things that I have done to make him mad. The last letter said that I wouldn't let him sit in the front seat, but instead let his cousin. Who by the way was in the front seat before I even picked him up, and we were only going a few kms down the road to go home. the other 2 issues he had were so silly, one was me not allowing him to play video games first thing in the morning and the other was when I allowed my daughter and her cousin on the bed, where the other cousin and the youngest step son, had to sit on the floor.
Now I have mixed feelings. I feel that he is trying to get me into trouble, which doesn't make me very happy. I talked to my bf about the letter and of course he is not at all upset with me for these things. My oldest has a big attitude and is very selfish sometimes and I feel that he would do anything to make his dad angry at me.
Although not the right response from me, all i can think of doing now, is to let him do whatever he wants and to never be the one who says he can or cannot do something. I will just refer him to his dad.
I don't know what else to do. I almost feel like I want to plain old give up on him. One of my bigger issues with him is when I have to give him trouble for attitude or for not doing something, he ends up taking it out on my daughter.
help...I don't no what to do....

RS's picture

Frustration

I have been a stepmom to two boys (11 and Cool for almost four years. They are fantastic kids. I read somewhere that it can take up to five years for the stepparent to become accustomed to the new "family". I've heard another source say it can take up to seven years - a fact I can completely believe. My stepkids are great and although their mother can be very difficult at times, we generally get along. My frustration is with the resentment I feel on a number of issues.

My fella and I both make good livings. I'm a professional, working 10-12 hour days. Most days, when I get home (we have the kids every other week), no homework has been done, no food prepared, no groceries picked up, and definitely no laundry done, despite the fact that my fella works similar hours but shift work, so he has time to throw a load of laundry in, pick up things for dinner, etc. I make virtually all the lunches before I leave for the office at 6:15am, do virtually all the laundry, make most of the meals, whether he's working or not, make sure we have enough groceries, make sure the homework is done, and buy most of the kids' clothes.

Also, they moved into my house, and although he pays half the bills, I pay all the property tax and pay for all maintenance, etc. They are not my kids and although I love them , I'm fed up. I haven't been on a proper holiday in five years, unless I've either organized or paid for it. He wooed me and chased me very hard to get me, and took great care of me for the first six months until the kids moved in, but no more. I rarely get taken for dinner, am rarely thanked, and when he and I go out together, I pay half, despite the fact that they are his kids and we make the same living.

I sound like an absolute mug, and I suppose I am. Two years ago he bought the 11 year old (then 9) a $1300 guitar. The other day, he talked about "going half" with his son on another $1000 guitar. I feel like I don't belong. I feel frustrated, left out, and often neglected. The kids love me, I have no doubt - but I'm desperate to know if there is anyone else out there who has experienced similar things and who feels the same way.

When I try to speak to him about it, he gets extremely defensive and turns everything around so that it seems like it's all my fault and that they are my issues. I know, as I've always known, that the children will always come first, but they always come first at my expense - regardless of plans we've made or my emotional needs. When I ask myself "what's in it for me", the response is always the same - "not much". I'm a 40 year old, fit, attractive, professional woman with no children of her own. What on earth have I done?