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I don't like who I am becoming.

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Sat, 04/27/2013 - 5:52am

A few years ago I was a totally different person. I had patience, rarely snapped at others. One of my favorite thoughts = "Why save your politeness for total strangers instead of the people who put up with you on a daily basis?"

I am frustrated, bitter and often snap at DH. I don't like the person I have become after being married to DH and dealing with SD. Seems like I needed to move out before I realized just how much I've changed. I had an inkling, but after not living in fear, I relaxed and realized I do not like living in fear. It brings out the worst in me.

Thinking of all of you and praying for the situations we are all in.

Comments

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Sat, 04/27/2013 - 7:01am

i dont live in fear but i do feel like I live in rage all the time. everytime i see sd I feel my blood pressure raise, i feel my own eyes roll, and i feel disdain and it sucks. 429 days to go.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Sat, 04/27/2013 - 8:07pm

this is me to a T. not every single day since i don't see her much, but it was like this every day for years, and it is like this when i see her now.

Mrs. Why's picture

Submitted by Mrs. Why on Sat, 04/27/2013 - 7:52am

Our bodies have the short term "fight or flight" mode to help us survive in short term stressor situations, BUT, with longer term stress/anxiety we go into a perminant state of fight or flight. What happens is the body continues to pump adrenaline, shut down certain functions etc, the long term consequence is damage to the body.

We have to recenter and figure out a way to brin our bodies back to normal, living above the situation, removing ourself from it, exercise/meditation. Try to b ok in the situation, if u can't. Then u will know =\ it's normal to feel the way you do.

Hopingforthebest's picture

Submitted by Hopingforthebest on Sat, 04/27/2013 - 8:38am

I totally agree with the long term consequences and wonder if being in this step family is going to take years off my life, I try very hard to stay disengaged from my two skids that live with their mom though SS (lives with us) and I have a civil/semi-respectful relationship so lately all has been quite/good buy its almost like I still can't relax and enjoy it when its good because I know a storm is always on the horizon. Lately I have takien up exercising and that is helping get some of the anger out plus I pray ALOT!!! I know what you mean I was a much happpier person 7 years ago and sometimes wonder if I can get that happy me back...such is life though I guess...gotta keep trying

stephiejane's picture

Submitted by stephiejane on Sat, 04/27/2013 - 9:44am

I am about to have my stepchildren move in tomorrow and I have extreme anxiety over it. Yesterday I was sick to my stomach, anxious, and my blood pressure was high. I made myself have to take a xanax-which I hardly ever take. I am glad I found this website.

stepmom2011's picture

Submitted by stepmom2011 on Sat, 04/27/2013 - 3:52pm

I'm glad you found this site too stephiejane.
Haven't thought of the long-term effects of living in stress/fear. But I do have anxiety big time in certain situations. Maybe exercising will help. I am lonely, and trying everyday not to move back home and just take it. I NEED this site to keep me thinking straight! I left the abuse, but miss my family.
Today is SD15's birthday. He said she would not want a gift from me. He said she would even throw away any card I gave her. I miss her smile. She is an amazing personality. Opposite of me. All fire. I don't get it... she beats me up and I am the bad guy?
I am very sad today.
I want to be the best version of myself. It's so hard to take the high road... even with children sometimes. SD15 can push my buttons!