You are here

my boyfriends daughter refuses to meet me what should I do?

frustratedalmoststepmom's picture

Submitted by frustratedalmos... on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 12:30am

I'm a 26 y.o. Women and I've been dating my boyfriend for four months now. Everything is great between us, the only problem is that he's been divorced for two years and his ex wife is still trying to get back together with him and keeps involving there thirteen year old daughter by having her go though his phone and sending pictures of me to her. Its gotten so bad that his daughter is refusing to meet me or have anything to do with me. Every time he spends time with his daughter she cries to him to get back together with her mother. It doesn't help that I have a six year old son that she is jealous of and doesn't want him spending any time with either of us. He's trying his best but she won't hear of any talk of me or my son. We would like to be more serious but how can we move forward if I can't even meet her and show her I'm not trying to take him away or take her mothers place? HELP!

Comments

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 2:53am

Firstly, his daughter has no business getting her hands on his phone or sending stuff from it to her mother. Your SO needs to do some serious boundary setting in order to get this situation under control, plus a password on his phone, of course.

If they have been separated 2 years there doesn't sound like much chance they will be getting back together, no matter what they crazy BM wants.

If it were me in this situation, and there was that degree of hostility from a 13 year old, frankly I would be quite glad she refuses to meet me. Your SO needs to tell her that he will spend time with her away from your house, but this will be limited if she is not willing to meet with you, as they cannot stay out all day long, and he should NEVER go to the BM's house. Don't make any overtures to the girl yourself, it would be a waste of time and effort at this point. Just stay quietly in the background and support your SO in setting VERY FIRM boundaries with his exW and daughter.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 6:31am

I would proceed with caution. Huge red flags. Your BF is not even locking his phone??? Seriously something's up here and sounds like your BF has no idea how to handle his ex and DD.

So are you even having any fun. If it stops being fun, you're young and can easily find a man without kids.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 6:56am

Jealous interfering wife with a vested interest in stirring up trouble in your relationship. Jealous hormonal teenage girl. Conflicted partner who does not know how to handle the situation. Lack of boundaries and privacy with his phone open to misuse. I would think very very carefully about whether to get more seriously involved with this man because all the signs are that you would be embroiling yourself and your son in a very turbulent and stressful situation.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 7:03am

^^^^^ to simpify Bojangles...Run, do not look back. Tell this man to get his life and situation together and then call you. And that will take years from the sounds of it.

This is a bad situation...spend some time there and read, do you really want to live the way we do?

Doesnteatcrow's picture

Submitted by Doesnteatcrow on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 7:37am

Had to state the obvious but you are 26 and she is 13- you do the math. That could be part of the problem too!

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 8:11am

I believe that a four month relationship should not be thrust on a child anyway. Why does he want to introduce you to her so soon? I don’t think your BF can know how damaging that is to kids. Especially a 13 year old girl. Maybe he has a habit of bringing strange women around her and she is sick of it.

I would say to step back and enjoy your relationship without his kids for now. After four months, you can’t even really know this man at all. You may not eve like this man in a few more months.

But be warned…being a step mom sucks.

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 9:26am

It may sound negative what everyone is saying but we are on this site for a reason{s} and the truth is, we are here helping one another and seeking help too. I agree with every single comment others have posted for you and none of us want you to end up miserable down the road.

The red flags are there based on what you have already shared with us and we see them bc we too have been there and done that. We understand your feelings and that you love this guy and all but he is a packaged deal no matter how you look at it or what you do/don't do. I can tell you now that there are boundary issues and control issues here and it can be a living nightmare in no time.

Please take some time and really do some reading on this site and learn about what its like being a step parent and what comes with it. I personally feel deadened by my SD15 and I knew her from years before. Just wanted to be like friends with her and not try to take over her mothers place or take her dad away. I'd suggest that you pay close attention to how your boyfriend handles them and how he changes when he is around them. Many of us here had no idea what to look for when we entered into the step world.

Best of luck to you and know that we want whats best for you. Smile

myspoonistoobig's picture

Submitted by myspoonistoobig on Fri, 04/26/2013 - 10:31am

Do nothing. This is between your boyfriend and his daughter. Nothing to be done till he sorts it out.