Why am I always the bad guy?

Why is it that my DH will get mad at me for not telling him how I really feel in a situation, so I do, and he gets mad anyway??? I told him a while back that it is stupid for SD to be here on her Thursdays with us if he is going to be at work and she doesn't want to be here. Kind of a why make her be here when she could be spending the time with an actual parent kind of a thing.

So I told him to tell her that he had to work and ask her if she still wanted to come. If she said no, she would stay with her mom. If she said yes, then GREAT! She was more then welcome to come and stay with me and the girls. Well yesterday DH called and asked me if I could pick SD up from school today (Thursday). I asked him if he told her that he was working because I didn't want to be the bad guy that, once again, had to tell her that she wouldn't be seeing her dad because he was at work. He got mad and told me that he didn't say anything because he didn't want to deal with BM's bullshit. Well NEWS FLASH DH! Why do I have to shoulder the bullshit because you don't want to. I am NOT going to be the bad guy anymore.

So I get the whole... "I don't ask you to do much for me, so I thought that you could do at least this for me every once in awhile". WHAT THE HELL!!!!! I don't do much for you???? I do EVERYTHING for you, short of wiping your ass!

All I am asking is that he tell her that he will not be there and see if she still wants to come. So now instead of just doing that, he is skipping work and shorting us the $$ that he would have made! So now he will have worked a whole 3 days this week. Thank GOD he is self-employed or he would have been fired LONG ago for skipping so much work to cater to his princess!

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I don't get that train of

I don't get that train of thought either - visitation isn't visitation if you aren't there to visit... right?

I had similar conversations with DH, DH, no offence but I, ME the SM doesn't need time with your skids - if you want them, by all means, take them, spend time, care for them, be a dad - but if you aren't here, I have no desire to spend time with kids that aren't my own, period.

If I need to pick them up for DH once and awhile to help him out, fine - but I have zero desire to spend his requested visitation when he has no plans to be around just so BM can get free babysitting..... I do not take my kids if I can't be there for them and\or I plan around my kids time so that I AM there for them, period. - their SM is never asked to take them on MY Behalf so I can 'get a break'.

BM and DH are 50-50, if DH can't manage his 50% then perhaps he shouldn't have them quite so much?? But that makes me an evil step mom to even suggest that. I work full time I run this household, I have my own 2 bios 80% of the time, yet somehow I do not rely on DH to look after my kids on a daily basis.... not his kids, not his problem - so why is it assumed his kids are my problem??

"but if you aren't here, I

"but if you aren't here, I have no desire to spend time with kids that aren't my own, period."

^^AMEN to this!! and that is how it SHOULD be!!^^

I don't mind spending the

I don't mind spending the time with her if he isn't here. That way she can see her sisters and all, but if she doesn't WANT to be here when he is not, then she shouldn't have to be. DH is very selfish in that. He is scared that if he gives some of his 50/50 time up, BM will take him to court and he will have to start paying CS. SO far it has been a complete 50/50 split. He pays for half of school/activity related items and so does BM. We each pay for our own things on our own time.

Same for me. I'm damned if I

Same for me. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I Will always be wrong because I am not the priority and neither are My feelings.

I never understand why

I never understand why visitation is even initiated when he cant be there. I can tell you I like my kids SM however I still would never send my kids to be with her if my Ex ws not going to be there. They arent her kids and I dont want them to be there when I can have them anyway, Im their mother!

THIS for me too. I like their

THIS for me too. I like their SM, she is a very nice person, I have absolutely no issues with her, but I hold my XH responsible for our children, if he can't make himself available or made plans on his scheduled time, I, the mother of my children keep them in my care because they are my children, not the SMs responsibility.

exactly whatwasithinkin...and

exactly whatwasithinkin...and thats how it should be!!!

I know, it makes you want to

I know, it makes you want to have a fit when you try to have a reasonable discussion, ahead of time, about a problem, you think DH has agreed to do something, and then find that you have been completely ignored because he had his head on the sand and won't confront or change anything. Last year I asked DH to speak to his children and agree an alternative plan for Christmas, 3 months before Christmas. They were turning up later and later with every successive Christmas, and trying to restart Christmas at 6.30pm with a tired 1,3 and 5 year old was impossible. I wanted them to visit in the morning, or try to get away from their mothers earlier. Did he organise it? No. He had one futile conversation with BM, who was unhelpful, let the issue drift, and thus we ended up standing in the snow outside a restaurant on Christmas Eve on my 40th birthday in fraught discussions about what would happen on Christmas Day. I could have killed him. If its difficult, they avoid avoid avoid.

"He got mad and told me that

"He got mad and told me that he didn't say anything because he didn't want to deal with BM's bullshit. Well NEWS FLASH DH! Why do I have to shoulder the bullshit because you don't want to. I am NOT going to be the bad guy anymore."

^^This has been the story of my life with DH and MIL. He ducks his head in the sand, doesn't speak up, doesn't assert himself, all because he does not want to deal with their B.S., but then I am the one that has to carry all the stress from him taking all of his frustrations out on me. I have disengaged from BM so I am not caught directly in the middle and don't deal with her personally, but his constant avoidance and people pleasing still effects my life and it sucks!! I completely understand how you feel. We argued all weekend over MIL and her meddling ways, and I straight up told him that I am going to end up divorcing him over all of the other women in his life, and the fact that out of the three, me, his wife, is always always last and always the one to bear the brunt of it all because he has no spine when it comes to BM or MIL and I am sick to death of catching hell over every little thing because he needs someone to be an ass to. Instead of dealing with them up front and tackling problems, he avoids them and then I deal with the backlash.

^^I deal with these guilt trip tactics all the time. It used to be really bad when I was still engaged with skid and BM, DH would try to pawn off all kinds of HIS responsibilities just to keep from having to deal with it. I do EVERYTHING for this man still, except for skid or BM related things, so I feel your pain here as well.

I watched my friend's husband

I watched my friend's husband say that to my friend over thanksgiving weekend. Friend was SM to his son with Asbergers' . This woman is a self-sacrificing saint who slaved over Thanksgiving dinner and her husband had the nerve to say, I don't ask that much of you, when she said she was too tired to play board games with all the kids. I so wanted to tell him off.

Yep. Told my SO I am not a

Yep. Told my SO I am not a free nanny, even before I agreed to move in. So SS16's grandparents will drive 1000 each way to stay with SS while SO is on a business trip. This is weird for me, so I'll be leaving town too. Not my fault SS wont stay at a friend's house. Not my fault SS has no friends to hang out with.

But I have to wonder how much gparents blame me for them having to drive all this way.

He's 16 and needs a

He's 16 and needs a babysitter? Why? Just curious as I know my 15 yr old daughter could easily be left alone for a few days but no way in HELL would I ever leave SD14 alone for 5 minutes.

That's exactly what SO is

That's exactly what SO is struggling with. We're not worried about him throwing parties or anything. SS really does not act his age. SS does not really want any independence. He's very clingy and emotionally dependent on his dad.

We actually left him alone for the first time for four days last weekend. But SO just isn't ready to leave him alone for an entire week. and I realize he wouldn't be alone if I were home. But the thought of being left alone with him seriously depresses me. It would just be so awkward and uncomfortable, especially since SS treats me as if I don't exist. And I'm also worried about setting a bad precedent. I feel like if I give in this once, SO would be leaving me alone with SS more often for motorcycle trips and more business trips. Also, SO is not ready to grant me any authority to make any house rules, especially regarding his son. SS still views me as his equal, his competition, not as an adult in charge. SO and I have only been together a year and a half. So it's still early days.

Other issues: SS can't drive and doesn't want to learn. And SS has major social phobia, and freezes up and really can't initiate communication with people he doesn't know well, especially authority figures. He's okay talking to me if he absolutely has to.

SO won't admit to this but socially, and emotionally, SS is behind. Academically he does really well. But he can get a little rain man-ish when he starts talking about his video game characters.

And I don't think SS really wants to be left alone and certainly not with me. He just wants his dad, or Grammy or grandpa. He said he got lonely while we were out of town this weekend.

So there it is, don't know if you'd call that disengaging or what, but I'm not ready yet to be the designated adult in charge for a whole week when normally I'm not in charge of anything.

I get it now. He's a lot

I get it now. He's a lot like Stepdevil14. Very immature, socially awkward, needy, clingy...dependent.

I totally understand. I hated that in SD14. She was mini wife and DH fed into it until I told him how inappropriate it was and showed him photos of her sitting on his lap, holding his hand in a lover's handlock (fingers interlaced) and staring at him lovingly AT A NHL HOCKEY GAME!!! She was 12...not 3.

Anyhow, I wouldn't dare stay home with him if I were you either. You're definitely doing the right thing by disengaging and not putting yourself in that position. I would NEVER volunteer to spend a week alone with SD14... ever.

Thanks RedWingsFan, I really

Thanks RedWingsFan, I really appreciate that!

You betcha. Anything I can

You betcha. Anything I can do to help. I know somewhat of your dilemma since SD14 is like your SS. It sucks ass. I'm just glad I don't have to see her anymore!

Yeah, the whole problem here

Yeah, the whole problem here is that your DH EXPECTS you to be there for him and his kids when he's not around. This expectation is unacceptable. If your SD wants to see you and you want to see her it's one thing, but you are still doing him a FAVOR. I would "unfortunately" plan a class for yourself on Thursdays after school, whether be yoga or whatever you like and then just be confused as to why he thinks you should miss that to watch his kids.

We'll make it an "online"

We'll make it an "online" class here on ST.

I'm IN haha!

Me too! LMAO!

UPDATE: DH appologized for

UPDATE: DH appologized for making me feel like the bad guy and agreed to make sure that SD knows if he will be working his Thursday nights and give her the option if she still wants to come or not. Good compromise for me. As long as she wants to be with us she is a pleasant little girl

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Why am I always the bad guy?

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