What would you have done differently?

If you were meeting your new stepkids all over again, what would you have done differently?

Here are a couple of things I would have done with sd11:

My biggest priority at first was keeping the peace. When she pushed herself in between dh and myself and insisted on holding his hand/hugging up to him all the time, I would have gently asserted myself right then rather than dealing with it for a year, waiting until I was so irritated I was ready to explode, and letting him and her think it was OK.

I would NOT have bought her stuff. Even though I was just treating her as one of "my own kids" and bought her normal stuff I would have bought them at that age, it was more than she was used to. I got accused of trying to "buy her love" and now I feel like the only time she wants to be around me is when I'm going shopping. So I wouldn't have started that.

I would have established myself as one of the adults in the house and not been afraid to say anything to her about picking up after herself, messing with the animals, etc. Now it is just awkward. I guess it was awkward then, too, but I didn't say anything to her out of fear of offending her. I wish I'd just plunged in and did it anyway.

So what would you all have done differently?

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I would have looked at it,

I would have looked at it, laughed and walked away.
This ridiculous thing of having to cope with a mini wife on a predestial and a dad with rose tinted glasses I would not be able to repeat.Anything similar would today tell me RUN.

I would keep my distance from

I would keep my distance from the tasks of daily parenting. I jumped in with both feet right from the get go. There was no bio mom in the picture so I filled that void from say one. Doing all the mom stuff to the max. It apparently gave dh the impression that his responsibilities was over and I was now responsible for raising his kids. Its proving near impossible to undo that precedent that I set.

I would have insisted he shoulder their financial burden instead of taking it on as ours. I would let him do it all and just be his partner and help him out when needed.

I would have never gotten

I would have never gotten involved with living with my DH.

ever...sad but true.

I would like to have bought a duplex and have a do over

When DH and I first got

When DH and I first got together I was so intent on making a family unit and treating SS like one of mine until I realized if he was one of mine I would have whipped his butt for the things he did.

But I was just a SM so I had to keep my mouth shut and hope that DH would handle it but DH is a Disney Dad so that didn't work either instead I just grew more and more frustrated.

To answer your question one of the things that I would change is how to handle SS when he "rolls his eyes" about anything that I say or do. I just ignored it and he continues to do it and is almost 18 yo.

I would have called him out each and every time!

i would have worried a whole

i would have worried a whole lot less about making sd feel accepted by me. fdh moved in with me early on, so she was at MY house for her visits. i wouldn't have been concerned with making sure there was food she would like, and that she was involved in everything i did for bd, right down to asking bm to switch weekends so she wouldn't be left out. :sick: yeah, that's how far i went to be "fair".

i wouldn't have waited for fdh to correct her behavior, as it's been 8 years and i'm still waiting. i would have done it my damn self. if he isn't going to make her behave in my home, i should damn well have the right to do it myself. maybe that would have showed her that she DOES have to listen to me.

i thought i was doing the right thing. now i know i was just putting myself out there and not being appreciated at all. all it did was make sd think i owed her something. she still feels that way at 20 years old. i wish i would have just been polite on her visits, but nothing more, and continued to do what i wanted to with bd and not worried about sd's fee fees. i wonder if because i was too damn good to her in the beginning, that is why she thinks i'm supposed to jump right in be motherly to her (but only when it suits her) even though she has a mother.

oh well, she gets it now. took long enough. she knows i don't like her. i think she has finally realized that it's not going to change, and that her ridiculous attempts at guilt tripping me will never get her anywhere. she's managed to make fmil turn against me. that's fine. fuck em both. i stopped caring a long time ago.

I want to thank OP for this

I want to thank OP for this post and all that have responded. Although I have known SD13 since she was about 5 or 6 now that DH and I have gotten married things are SOOOOOOOO different. I will certainly be taking some of these things into consideration. I don't have to learn the hard way if you know what I mean.

SD13 is sullen when she comes over .. . .we go anywhere and she's walking at least 5 feet behind us (DH, my BS13 and I). She doesn't speak to us when she's here. I'm so tired of it. I don't owe her anything! I didn't cause her parents divorce . . .BM divorced DH when SD was 1 or 2. I do believe that now she's telling SD a different story (PAS at it's best).

I have already started planning things without her. I have already told DH that I'm not taking her anywhere without him and I don't feel guilty. If she knew how to act we would not have a problem. She comes over and locks herself in the guest room and stays in there watching TV and playing with her electronics . . .life just goes on without her.