“Playing husband at BM’s house”
“Playing husband at BM’s house”
I read this in a blog today (I think Anne Boleyn). ST I don’t know what I’m doing. I think I’ve started something that I’m going to regret. Background info: DH and I have been married 2 years, together for almost 9. I have BS13 and he has SD13. I met SD when she was around 5 or 6.
When SD comes to visit she’s very withdrawn and prefers to sit in her room with the door closed watching TV and/or on her laptop or I-pod or smart phone. Take your pick. She rarely speaks or interacts with DH or anyone else for that matter. Their interactions are awkward and forced at most. DH gets along wonderfully with my family and especially with BS13 (Who doesn’t have a relationship with his biological father). We have all gone out of our way to make SD feel welcome but we still get the “I don’t want to be bothered” attitude from her. Eventually we stopped bothering her.
I should mention that when we first got married I tried to talk to DH about SD and BM . .. or least tried to be involved in some way. He acted as if everything he did with them had to be secret and he just didn’t want me to know what was going on. If he got upset or didn’t like my opinion he’d stop speaking to me for 2 weeks. I got tired of wondering where he went when he left the house without informing me that he was even leaving. All of this was for SD and whatever was going on at the moment (she has gotten in trouble at school for this attitude problem on several occasions . .BM’s solution to the problem was to pull her out of public school and place her in private school instead of facing the problem head on . . .she has issues at the new school believe it or not). After a while I got tired and just stopped asking anything regarding BM and SD. I guess I disengaged before I knew what disengaging was and moved on with life.
SD has always had control of when she visits and when she doesn’t . . .a long time ago I tried to help him realize that this was wrong, his response to me was that I had no experience in the visitation department because my son never visited with my ex. DH always does drop off and pick up. He is always at the mercy of BM’s/SD’s schedule. This is now biting him in the ass. SD no longer comes to our home unless DH calls and begs her to come. She is now coming out of guilt (maybe 1X a month). She would prefer to stay home alone and do whatever she does.
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Here's the rest: Recently I
Here's the rest:
Recently I have been encouraging DH to spend some one on one time with SD instead of trying to force relationships between us and her. . .that’s right now that DH has noticed that I really don’t ask anything about them he’s trying to be father of the year and acts all hurt when I no longer have an opinion. My suggestion was to go see her on Saturday’s and the two of them do some father daughter stuff. Take her to the movies, go to the park, see a play . . .something . . .just the two of them instead of making everyone else miserable. The first attempt at this was last Friday night.
I have always suspected that BM leaves SD home alone . . .A LOT. SD is very quiet in a weird way. She tips around the house like a little mouse. You turn around and she’s standing behind you. CREEPY. I have told her on several occasions to stop sneaking up on me! It’s almost like she’s trying to make it so that you don’t know she’s there. I mentioned this to DH a long time ago and he shrugged it off. So Friday night DH left work (2 hr) drive to BM’s (who was working). He and SD13 hang out till about 9:45 pm at which time he tells SD to call BM to see what time she’s getting off. BM tells DH that he can leave (at 9:45) because she was getting off and would be home in about 45 min. Well DH decided he would stay and see just what time she really got home. Let’s just say DH didn’t get back to our home until about 2 am! BM didn’t show until about 1am! That means that SD13 would have been home alone from afterschool until 1am in the morning. This is every Friday night (and some weekday nights) she’s not with us. DH was livid and an argument ensued. BM played the single parent card (even though she’s the one that cheated and divorced DH for her new man who eventually dumped her). She has no support system, no one ever helps her, if he doesn’t like the situation he needs to change it . . .and on and on. Now DH didn’t tell me any of this, I heard him on the phone with his sister discussing it and had to ask him about it.
So now DH is on a guilt trip. Yesterday after work he drives to BM’s (2 hr drive). He tells me that he needs to take care of some stuff with SD . .I didn’t ask anything further. I’m betting BM was at work and he didn’t want SD to be home alone. I don’t blame him I would not want my son home alone like that either. The problem here is that BM is never held accountable for her actions. Everyone in her world just bends to accommodate her.
He gets home last night around 11:00 pm. The poor man is exhausted. On our drive in this morning BM calls him to discuss something regarding SD. It was a pleasant conversation between the 2 of them (very unusual), matter of fact BM talks to DH about nothing. She never returns phone calls or texts. But all of sudden they are all buddy, buddy. I guess from now on he’ll be playing husband at BM’s house when she has to work late. Am I overacting?? BM is a serial manipulator. Every boyfriend she’s ever had figured it out real quick and ran for the hills. I foreshadow DH being at her home babysitting every night she has to work playing DH to her. This is what she wanted from the beginning. CONTROL! But what do you do . .no one should want their kid alone like that. What other option do we have? I have a sick feeling.
So you're thinking that
So you're thinking that almost every night of the week your DH is going to drive that 2 hrs to go sit with his DD? And then drive back home after BM gets off work?
And WHERE does he fit in his Now-Family?
No, I'm sorry. That just wouldn't work for me.
No one has ever really known
No one has ever really known what BM's schedule is. I guess SD does but she's not telling. I'm assuming she works a couple of nights a week and then weekend shifts. Her neighbors had a granddaughter the same age as SD and they went to the same school so she would use them all the time. We now understand why the grandfather put a 9:00 curfew on her butt. If she wasn't there by 9:00 then SD would have to spend the night with them. Well the other little girl didn't really get along with SD (no one does) and was tired of her and I'm sure SD was tired as well. BM is like well you can just stay home alone.
I'm thinking I'm going to have to sit back and watch to see how this is going to go.
Yes I think you are right.
Yes I think you are right. See how often this happens. And if it is often, then you will have to say something. Your only other option is to have step daughter live with you so she's not left home alone so often. I get the feeling BM might not object to this. Of course, she would have to change schools, but she doesn't seem social anyway.
SD living with us would be a
SD living with us would be a nightmare. DH talks about it all the time but BM will never let go of the child support. She needs it to support herself.
He can't be gone and
He can't be gone and basically living at BM's house but sleeping at yours.
A kid that's a teenager can be home alone. She's not 6.
Even if nothing is going on and BM isn't home for a couple hours talking to him before he leaves it still looks weird and I'm sure BM loves keeping your man from you and using her schedule to do it.
He needs to find another way. IMO his daughter needs a parent and not a babysitter.
WarmBody, I have said this
WarmBody,
I have said this since the beginning. This kid needs a parent. BM puts everything in front of her. Everyone else just has to get in line with whatever BM wants. I'm so sick of it. I was a single parent for 10 years and BS came first. I even had to quit a job and find another one so I could make sure I could take care of him. BM has never sacrifced for this kid. It's either you do it or it ain't gonna get done. She attends no school functions, signs SD up for stuff (basketball) and then leaves it up to other people to get her to practice and games. It's just stupid and so sad!
Yes, that was me who wrote
Yes, that was me who wrote that. I would not allow this. It will get worse. But you read my blog so you know that I dragged FDH to counseling to deal with these issues. It's inappropriate. They are not together and they need to get a sitter for her or find some other solution if they don't want her home alone.
Anne, I debated all morning
Anne,
I debated all morning about posting my blog and then I saw yours. It was like I could see that this was where we would be heading. Thank you so much for your insight. I understands how he feels about his daughter but he can't really think that this is appropriate.
^^^THIS
^^^THIS
When I was 12 I would babysit
When I was 12 I would babysit my three younger sibs (infant through age 6) PLUS the two neighbor kids (8-10) for several hours on the weekend nights.Perhaps that was a bit much but I was fine. I agree that this kid can be there by herself. In fact, it sounds like she's been doing it for quite some time. She has a cell phone and internet so she has more than one way of contacting people should she need something. But if her husband is not comfortable with this, it's understandable. But it's not his issue to solve for the BM.
I agree with this as well!!
I agree with this as well!! ^^^^^^^^^^^ I was watching two and three little kids at 12 myself.
I know!!! This is right down
I know!!! This is right down BM's alley. This is inappropriate. I don't know why I even second guessed myself. I guess I have to gear up for the "she's my daughter and I will do anything for my daughter" speech.
I dont think it's ok for BM
I dont think it's ok for BM to lean on your husband as a husband figure to her or her child. Yes, he is the child's father, that is why he has visitation and most likely pays child support, but her time with the kid is her responsibility. My fiances ex used to email him saying that they needed to have a "family meeting" or and had a photo of the two of them with the kids when they were infants still up in her house after a decade of being divorced. I found this really unhealthy and he put her in her place finally. I think your husband needs to make it clear that she is the mother and he is the father but that they are not parents together, they are parents separately.
Gitana, Thank you. I
Gitana,
Thank you. I totally agree. Sometimes I post here on StepTalk to make sure that I'm on the right track. It's funny how people can make it seem like you are always the bad guy for speaking your mind or how you feel. I feel very strongly about this and while I do think he needs to spend one on one time with SD I don't think it needs to be babysitting for BM in her house!
This is the kind of stuff BM
This is the kind of stuff BM would do if she could get away with it.
BM tries to draw a circle around her, SS and my DH as many ways as she can. She does everything in her power to let DH know that they are and always will be a family.
I have gotten tired of it.
I told him recently if you want to have a family with BM included you shouldn't have divorced her and you for sure shouldn't have married me.
"This is not the Sister Wives, where you go around feeding your ego and catering to your harem".
He has a choice to make either I am his wife or not. If he wants to chit chat and cater to BM the rest of his life then it is time for me to move on.
Oh I like the Sister wives
Oh I like the Sister wives harem comment. I wish I had thought of that with ex-bf. He thought he was complementing me when he said I was the A-Team and his ex-wife was the B-team. So when I was out of town on Fourth of July he felt
It was okay to invite ex-wife/BM to watch fireworks with him and the kids. Idiot.